So when we last left our uberbitch heroine… protagonist… main character we’re forced to tolerate, she had ditched dinner so she could write. And write. And write. She writes literally all night, and only falls asleep when the sun is rising. HEY, here’s an idea – maybe she’s a bitch because she never bothers to SLEEP.
Exhausted, Jessica turned off the computer, stood to stretch, and fell into bed and a sleep filled with nightmares.
She had that dream where she had to be nice to others, treat her mother LIKE her mother, and lived in a frilly happy wonderland. It was HORRIBLE.
No, instead she dreams about some chick called Jazlyn. Jazlyn… really? It sounds like one of those nightmarish white-trash names people give their innocent babies, where just tacking a “lyn” onto a random word or sound makes it somehow “real.” Then again, this is an author who thinks “Jessica Ashley” is super-unique and snowflakey, and tacks on the surname “Allodola.”
So anyway, here’s some of Jessica’s deathless prose… which is coincidentally just the same as Atwater-Rhodes’: Jazlyn collapsed to her knees, unable to stand any longer. Her head pounded as her body fought the strange blood that was trying to overtake her system.
They really should check the labels on those transfusion bags. This is the second time the hospital has screwed up this week.
She knew this sensation. She had felt it once before, on the day she had died, years ago. It had not hurt so much then. It had not hurt to die.
Yes, because “death by vampire” is known for being oh-so-painless. That’s why they have giant fangs.
It had not hurt to die…
Why did it hurt so much to live again?
I think it has something to do with not having a life. Tell me, does Jazlyn get out much?
Her vision went black as her heart beat for the first time in more than thirty years. She drew a slow, painful breath.
I know this is really silly, but I keep imagining a vampire exhaling these clouds of dust. I mean, if they haven’t been used for awhile…
The heart in her chest labored, unaccustomed to its task. Her lungs burned with the constant intake of oxygen, which seemed to sear her throat. All the muscles of her torso cramped each time she inhaled.
Just to nitpick, shouldn’t those muscles have completely atrophied and DIED from lack of use? I mean, that’s what happens to muscles when you don’t use them for long periods. They DIE. They don’t just get flabby. They DIE. This chick’s diaphragm should be a withered little string by now.
Finally she fell into blissful unconsciousness.
Funny, I would expect inhaling to have the OPPOSITE effect. It must be all the lung dust.
Jessica wakes up, and thinks about how she’s had this dream for years now and she feeeeeeellllssss it as if she were there. Sigh, I don’t think I need to mention that this is INCREDIBLY CLUMSY FORESHADOWING?
Yes, it’s glaringly obvious that this was her in a previous life, or her mom, or a previous identity, or some shit like that. I mean, there’s not even any suspense. And it’s pretty obvious that yes, this girl Jazlyn was a vampire, and since she’s connected to Jessica (because Jessica’s a SUE!) some of her Emo Gothy Darkity-Darkness rubbed off on her. Of course, THAT is the reason everyone shuns Jessica and she’s so dark and awesome. After all, it can’t be because she’s just a bitch.
Though it was less than an hour after she had fallen asleep, she was no longer tired. As always, that dream had forced fatigue far away.
I’m pretty sure no dream works like that. Your body is still gonna be tired even if you got jolted awake. I wonder how long it will be before EmoBitch Sue has a psychotic break and starts killing people.
So after having a shower, we’re treated to a paragraph-long description of the Sue’s looks…. in a mirror. Atwater-Rhodes, that’s the cheapest and dirtiest way of letting us know what she looks like. We don’t even need to KNOW what she looks like – she will of course be gorgeous, naturally have all this stuff like good skin and slender bod that other people have to work for, and have striking characteristics in hair and eye color. Oh, and she look look a lot like the author, except prettier.
Jessica well knew she had a body and face to die for.
How humble of her. And how typical of a Sue.
At five feet, five inches tall,
In other words, totally average. Hey, I wonder how tall Atwater-Rhodes is.
she was slender but not bony and had well-toned muscles despite the fact that she rarely worked out.
And on the Mary Sue list of characteristics… check, check, check and CHECK. She’s slender and even TONED, but doesn’t have to work for it. How delightfully cliche.
Her skin was naturally fair and had been kept that way by her aversion to sunlight.
… yes, that IS how it works. Your point?
And yay, another Sue who acts like fair skin is something important or unusual.
Unlike those of many girls her age, Jessica’s complexion was flawless and always had been.
The words “wishful thinking” are sparkling at me like Edward Cullen’s ass. This is like Eragon’s infamous shaving scene.
Her long jet-black hair tumbled around a face with high cheekbones, full lips, and expressive green eyes.
Naturally. I mean, what else would she have?
- Jet black hair, of course. Our dark gothy heroick-of-the-night cannot have any hair color except the BLACKEST BLACK OF DARKITY-DARK DARKNESS!
- And it’s LONG. I mean, a Sue can’t have SHORT hair.
- High cheekbones: considered attractive, so she has them.
- Full lips: ditto.
- Green eyes: A very Suey color, although thankfully Atwater-Rhodes didn’t think to call them “emerald” again. I might vomit if I read that.
Yet despite her attractive appearance, Jessica had never so much as had a date.
That’s because no matter how pretty you are, if you’re a nasty snotty bitch to EVERYBODY, nobody will ask you out except a hardcore masochist.
And again, enough with the tiny violin. “WAHHHHHH, I’m so pretty and desirable, so why does nobody go out with meeeeeeeee?” It’s like Atwater-Rhodes doesn’t make this simple but important connection between “I’m a huge bitch and I do it on purpose” and “I have no social life, woe is meeeeeeee.”
Occasionally that fact bothered her, though she usually had plainer insults to deal with than oblique dismissals from the boys in her grade.
I’m surprised she even WANTS to date boys, especially since she’s been depicted as a hardcore misanthrope. Hasn’t she figured out yet that no boys at her school are worthy of her?
So finally Jessica quits gawping at her reflection, and thinks about how again she’d been unable to find the flaw that made people hesitate when they saw her on the street or in the hall. Yeah, apparently she thinks she’s flawless. Trust me, that flaw is there, but it’s not visible from the outside – and funnily enough, Jessica only thinks her OUTSIDES matter when it comes to other people. It hasn’t even occurred to her that NASTY BITCH = PEOPLE NOT LIKING YOU.
Downstairs in the kitchen, Anne was finishing a batch of pancakes.
Finishing MAKING them or EATING them? Be specific!
So Jessica finally stops being a bitch for a few minutes and actually treats her mom and teacher semi-decently. Yeah, I don’t know where this mood swing comes from, since she was bitching about poor wittle misunderstood her just a few minutes ago.
Then Caryn walked by, and Jessica’s cheer vanished.
… WHY? Is Jessica allergic to normal people? EXPLAIN!