When we last saw BitchSue, her mood had been ruined by the sight of Caryn… for no adequately-explained reason. Think this chapter will pick up on that? No way! Never mentioned again! This chapter doesn’t follow that in any way. The last chapter might as well have ended with “Then Jessica was abducted by broccoli aliens,” because it means nothing.
Anyway, she comes in and hears some girls making canned “what a hot guy” conversation, and as usual she acts like a snotty bitch about those girls.
But instead of minding her own business, which is what you would EXPECT from someone sneering at them, she asks who they’re talking about.
Jessica couldn’t see the subject of this profound conversation.
This sort of snotty comment only makes sense if it’s coming from someone who has profound thoughts at all.
The quietest, a senior named Kathy, looked over her shoulder, recognized Jessica, grabbed her friends’ arms, and pulled the girls away.
“Holy shit, it’s that girl who eats garlic, beans and onions for breakfast! Run for your lives!”
Jessica scowled as she watched them go. At least most people were subtle about moving away from her.
Why bother being subtle? It’s not like she’s subtle about her nastiness to others.
But she stops sulking about the people she treats badly treating her badly when she sees… THE HOTTIE. He’s hot. He’s very hot, in a Hot Topic gothy sort of way. Did I mention he’s hot?
How hot is he? He’s GARY STU HOT.
His face could have been modeled after the portrait on a Roman coin.
A Roman coin?
Yes, I’m overwhelmed by lust at the sight of those completely ordinary faces.
Hair the color of raven feathers
… yeah, what else would he have?
contrasted with his fair skin,
… again, what else would a vampire have?
He was dressed entirely in black,
He loves black, just like Jessica! It must mean they’re both super-smart, morbid and whiny! It’s TROO LUV!
except for a gold chain around his neck. The pendant on the chain looked like a cross, but Jessica couldn’t be sure from where she was standing.
… why is a vampire wearing a cross? Oh right, this is a tween ripoff of Lestat, so holy objects don’t bother him at all. If he sparkles, I’m burning this book.
But she recognizes this hot guy! She KNOWS him! It’s… AUBREY!
Yeah, we’ve never heard of him before, mainly because he’s actually a character in Jessica’s books, where he was the villain of her first book Tiger Tiger, and was the main character of Dark Flame, her second book.
I’m not kidding here. This teenage writer is writing about her Sue, who is also a teenage writer… who has encountered a character named Aubrey, who was the villain in In The Forests of the Night AND supposedly the villain of the FICTIONAL first book Tiger Tiger… who is the love interest of THIS second book, and allegedly the main character of the Sue’s SECOND book.
This is like if Anne Rice got a lobotomy, then wrote a book all about a New Orleans writer with a bestselling vampire series who meets Lestat, who is the villain of her first book The Vampire Interviews and the star of her second book… I dunno, just call it whatever. A fictional character who is a fictional character’s fictional character EXCEPT HE’S REAL inside the fiction…. GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
This has gone beyond self-insertion. This has gone BEYOND meta. This is even beyond Stephen King writing HIMSELF into his books. This is like a big seething mass of Sue-ness and self-referential self-indulgence, with layers and layers of DUMB.
Gorgeous, powerful, and somewhat mysterious, he was every teenage girl’s fantasy … or at least, he was hers.
- Every teenage girl’s fantasy…. so basically, hot.
- I love how he’s only “somewhat” mysterious. Like moderately mysterious.
- And why does the description of how he’s HER personal fantasy make me think that he’s poorly-developed and really Stuey?
- Fun fact: Atwater-Rhodes later came out as a lesbian.
Considering her present status in the world of teenagers, she couldn’t pretend to speak for the rest of the female population.
It doesn’t take much to enthrall teenage girls, no matter how pretentious or “outsider” they are.
Of course, Aubrey was a vampire.
Which only makes him hotter to dumb teenagers and middle-aged women with unrealistic expectations.
Get a grip, Jessica. You write fiction, she reminded herself. Aubrey doesn’t exist. She would hardly have minded if her vampire hero had existed, but such a thing was impossible. Vampires were not real.
Just once… JUST ONCE… I would like someone to say this, and it totally turns out that they aren’t real. I just want this. Because it’s gotten ridiculous – every time somebody goes “No, vampires don’t exist!” you know they do and they’re going to fall in love with the main character.
So she goes on about how it can’t possibly be Aubrey, but he totally looks like him in every detail. Then she goes and sulks in the back of class, where Caryn comes in… for the second time that day… and Jessica snarls at her…. for the second time that day. I feel a strange sensation of deja vu… almost like this scene happened in the LAST chapter, got forgotten, and is happening all over again.
Caryn looked over once from the group she seemed to have been accepted into, but Jessica sent a fierce gaze her way and Caryn cringed, visibly shaken.
Possibly it’s because if she glances at the general direction Jessica is in, the self-absorbed bitch glares at her for no reason.
So we’re told that the new guy is Alex Remington, and for some reason he scares Caryn. So after class, Caryn gets the hell out of there, and a girl named Shannon caught up with him. No, we know nothing about Shannon, including her looks or anything about her except that she’s the cliche class slut.
Jessica could recognize Shannon’s methods of flirtation a mile away and shook her head in disgust. Shannon already had a boyfriend, but that had never stopped her when there was a drop-dead-gorgeous male in her line of vision.
Yes, that skanky man-hunger is the one defining characteristic she has. It’s always nice when the author doesn’t even PRETEND she’s writing well-developed characters, and just embraces the shallowness!
And since Sues’ love interests are completely immune to Skanky McSluttiwhores and are not at ALL tempted by easy girls who would totally put out for them, Alex doesn’t really notice Shannon. After all, in poorly-written vampire Suefiction, your True Love will never even look twice at the gorgeous naked women leaping crotch-first at him, because they aren’t nearly as desirable as the plain, dull and antisocial Sue. That’s how it works in real life, after all.
So Alex glances at her, and of course he has black eyes with black lashes. And since they both wear black, are super-attractive and… uhhhh… yeah, they have a moment where they both look amused at how blatant Shannon is being. They made eye contact, so it MUST be love!
Then Jessica leaves, and the chapter mercifully ends.