Anne Rice

Vampire Mistress of Breakdowns

 
Oh, Anne Rice. Before you started writing books about werewolf bestiality and Jesus (thankfully not in the same book) you wrote about vampires and witches… and unfortunately, it didn’t take long for your books to start sucking. Yes, even though she invented the swooningly attractive, angsty “good” vampire for our age (which makes her indirectly responsible for Edturd Sullen), her books began turning into a wankfest.

Just a little warning, though: I don’t plan to snark everything she did. Here’s a listing of her non-snarkable works, and why I won’t be snarking them (or in a few cases, might… when I get around to reading them).

As for the ones I WILL snark…


  • The Master of Rampling Gate – Anne Rice’s only published short story, to my knowledge. And… wow, it makes Twilight look deep and personality-driven. Guess what: it’s about an angsty vampire!
  • Violin – This book is like getting high during an ugly carnival funhouse, then immediately stumbling into a luxurious house where an insane woman explains all her personal issues. Someone needs to tell Rice that nobody except her therapist wants to hear all this. Also: hot ghost studmuffin.
  • The Wolf Gift – Having abandoned vampires, Rice decides that werewolves are much more compatible with her beliefs. I don’t get it. Anyway, it’s a novella’s worth of plot stretched over a seemingly endless novel, with a newly lycanthropized young Stu discovering that not only is he now even more perfect than before, but he’s now Werewolf Batman. And he has random werewolf sex with a woman who just happens to be his troo luv. Ugh.
  • The Wolves of Midwinter – More of the same, but with less plot. Lots of rich, cultured people being rich and cultured.

 

The Vampire Chronicles

  • Merrick – Memnoch the Devil was technically the book where the series jumped the shark, but this was when the series reached the point of no return. It’s all about a sexy alcoholic witch who has the power to turn gay men bisexual, and how Louis wants her to help him contact Claudia’s ghost. She’s a Sue, in case you hadn’t guessed. Ugh.
  • Blackwood Farm – This is much like Interview with the Vampire, except it’s all in the present day, it’s missing all the moving spooky stuff, and it stars a perpetual adolescent who we’re supposed to like. Also, Lestat shows up just to put his feet on the coffee table and LISTEN.
  • Blood Canticle – And here we have it, one of the worst non-endings to a series I’ve ever read. Basically it’s Lestat hanging out with his new vampire “kids,” chatting with a ghost, and eventually going on a Scooby-Doo-like adventure to find the Taltos. Very whimper-not-bang.

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