Ten things I’ve learned from Two Marriages and a Decade of being Polyamorous

Before we start, some thoughts on the blog title:

Two Marriages

“Yes, I had a nasty divorce, and I spent years thrashing my ex-husband’s alter ego before brainwashing him into servitude. Listen to my love life advice!”

a Decade of being Polyamorous

No offense to poly folks out there, but what does being poly have to do with it? It’s an entirely different relationship dynamic from the majority of people out there, so… I’m not sure how lessons learned from that would apply to monogamous relationships.

Also, Why the hell Is she Capitalizing random Words? Is she Channeling Talia gryphon?

1 Do not date drama llamas. Do not date people that are prone to drama, just don’t. No one is that pretty, no sex is that good – no drama queens, or kings.

I just… first bullet point. FIRST. And already my head hurts.

Here’s what’s wrong with this:

  1. LKH is a drama queen. This is the woman who freaked out when she saw a delivery van, wrote a whole blog about injuring herself in mixed martial arts, and regularly launches into melodramatic wails about her tortured soul and bleeding on the keyboard.
  2. The only way she could be drama-queenier is if she somehow merged with Anne Rice.
  3. Furthermore, her self-insert is a drama queen of a different sort, who is only tolerated because she’s so purty and has a magic tightwet vagina that no man can resist.
  4. And all her boytoys are ALSO drama queens.
  5. And no, I will not call them “drama kings,” because that implies masculinity.

2 Remember that you aren’t perfect either.

“I know, I know! It’s truly shocking to believe that even I have flaws! People are so dazzled by how wonderful I am that they can’t believe it either!”

No one is perfect, don’t expect it, don’t look for it, because if you do, you are doomed to be continually disappointed.

I’m sorry, but how is this something worthy of blogging about? Did it really take two marriages and a decade of polyness to figure out that… people aren’t perfect?

In other breaking news: water is wet. The Pope is Catholic. Bears shit in the woods. Shocking, I know, right?

3 Love means different things to different people.

To some people, it means bar stools. To others, it means lightly cracked windshields. To most people, it means an egg whisk and lots of maple syrup.

Do not assume that because your last girlfriend loved getting flowers, that your current girlfriend doesn’t see them as funeral flowers,

… wait, so because Last Girlfriend loved flowers… Current Girlfriend DOESN’T see them as funeral flowers… WHAT?

and is trying to figure out a way to tell you, “Please, stop buying me dead plant matter.”

And if you’re fifteen and only on your second boyfriend, this is useful information. For anyone more experienced than that…

Oh, and this is interesting. Apparently her first husband felt unhappy and embarrassed when she very publicly sent him flowers (cuz you know, giving them to him at home wouldn’t MAKE PEOPLE NOTICE). This is depicted as being totally his fault, because he wasn’t as awesome as Jon.

So love means different things to different people… unless you’re LKH’s ex, in which case, it’s always your fault.

4 People have different hierarchies in love: I put great sex near the top of my list,

I am so shocked. I never would have thought that she was so into sex. She never talks about it, like, ever.

if that’s not present, then I will not even date you, let alone get into a serious relationship, but I know a surprising number of women that put sex fourth, or lower on their “love list”.

  1. It’s cuz they’re gurls, so they’re lame.
  2. Some of them care about personality and reliability and brains more than sex!
  3. Not LKH! She wants a big dick and long hair, and nothing else!
  4. And would it kill her to not write these paragraph-long run-on sentences?!

Some of the things they put higher on their list ; financial security (whatever that means to them),

So she thinks they should put sex above… you know, not being in crippling debt forever?

someone who wants to be the breadwinner,

I don’t know of any woman who puts that on their list these days. They certainly want a guy with a good job, because not every woman is lucky enough to have made gobs of money off their sexual fantasies.

wanting children, good father.

And if you want children, as LKH clearly didn’t, those are more important elements in a marriage than getting your hedges trimmed regularly.

Not all men put sex at the top of their list either. I’ve run into several that put emotional security, companionship, good mother, wants to stay at home with kids, or doesn’t want to stay at home with kids, higher on their “love list’. Make sure the love of your life has the same priorities in this area, as you do, otherwise it will eventually destroy your happiness together.

5 No one wants to think they are wanted just for sex. I’ve found that even if the relationship begins with sex, even if the man and I negotiate that it’s going to be about hot, monkey sex, eventually he will feel bad if he doesn’t feel appreciated for other fine qualities. Even your friends with benefits, if it’s to continue as a relationship, needs to know that you like them, even if your friendship is mostly about the booty call. Make people feel appreciated, and make sure they know what you need to feel appreciated to.

6 Men are not mind readers – let me repeat that – men are not mind readers. That’s right my fellow women, the men that want to date you, are dating you, are in a relationship with you, married to you, cannot read your minds. So, it’s up to you to tell them what you want, how you want it; what makes you happy, what makes you sad; you must communicate with them. If any of you have ever said, “If you loved me, you’d known why I was mad at you.” You are setting your lover, boyfriend, husband, up to fail, or get so frustrated there’s going to be a serious fight. Talk to the man, or woman, in your life, ladies, please.

7 Men, most women need you to talk to them and tell them what you need, want, and what makes you happy, or sad. Yes men, I’m talking mostly to you, though any women who date women you get #6 and #7. The strong silent type is fine, but not if it leaves your girlfriend, lover, wife, in the dark as to your emotional wants and needs. We can’t make the shared relationship wonderful, if half the couple is a mystery that never talks to us about anything important.

8 Ladies, don’t push too hard on the communication if the man has never been taught, or encouraged to talk about his emotional needs and wants, it’s going to be weird and uncomfortable for him. The men need to try, but we need to encourage their efforts in this area, but not too hard, or too constantly. Baby steps if they’re one of those men that isn’t an emotional sharing sort of person. If you think 7 & 8 contradict each other, not really, it’s a dance between the two of you, to figure out what’s comfortable for both of you, and how much you both need from each other in this area.

9 If a woman asks a man, “What are you thinking?” and the man says, “Nothing.” Just believe him, men have this wonderful ability to actually still their minds and think nothing for minutes at a time. I know, as a woman, it’s hard to believe that everyone’s mind isn’t going a thousand miles a minute, but it’s true of most men, and even some women. If you insist they had to be thinking something, they will be pressed to make something up, or get angry that you didn’t believe the truth.

10 If you’re with a woman that changes her clothes a lot before going out, please, do not get angry about it. Do not grab a shirt, or shoes, and say, “This matches, let’s just go.” Or, “You look good enough, let’s go.” If your lady is the type to do this, then just budget enough time to let her try on a dozen outfits, before she’s ready to go out. You don’t have to understand why she does this, when you think she is beautiful in anything. Honestly, I’ll do it on occasion and it’s like a compulsion, even I don’t understand it. You will not break a woman from doing this, if she does it, so you can fight about it constantly, or just accept it, and deal.


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