What Can’t You Say?

I could make my girlfriend my legal wife.

No. No, you couldn’t. See, same-sex marriage HAS been legalized… but bigamy laws are still very much in effect. And bigamy doesn’t just apply to hetero marriages.

And in case you’ve managed to block out LKH’s past oversharing, both she and her girlfriend are married legally to other people. So I’m pretty sure that unless it was preceded by a round of divorces, it would be a very ILLEGAL marriage.

Bondage and submission is so hot right now it’s almost mainstream.

No, not really. They’ve reached the point where people no longer recoil in horror at the idea, but most people still don’t know much about them. It’s more desensitization than mainstreaming.

Exhibit A: Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes, everyone is totally okay with the idea of people in it having BDSM, but it’s NOT mainstream enough that most people know enough about the topic to know how UTTERLY FUCKED UP and COMPLETELY WRONG that book’s depiction of it is.

What is something mainstream? Well, take Marvel stories. They used to be something grasped mainly by nerds, but now you can mention, say, Rocket Raccoon and everyone will know exactly what you mean.

What’s left? Non-monogamy is making the news and big names are admitting they have open marriages.

  1. It’s not making THAT MUCH news, darling.
  2. Maybe back when Big Love was on, and Sister Wives hadn’t turned into the sad dull dysfunctional clusterfuck it now is. I guess Caprica had a poly family too…
  3. Yes, some famous people admit to having open marriages, like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Back in 2011. Breaking news!
  4. But open marriages are not the same thing as polyamory.
  5. Yes, polyamory can be considered a type of open marriage, but the term more often applies to people who have more casual relationships or sex-only dalliances outside of their marriage.
  6. And you know what kind of non-monogamous relationships mostly reach the news? Hint: it usually involves one skeevy douchebag and multiple wives.

 
A lot of people assume it’s just adding extra sex partners, or that it’s cheating, but that’s not it.

Except you know, some people in open marriages DO just want some strange. Just because you insist that sooper-serious long-term relationships are what it’s ALL about, and casual sex never happens, does not make all non-monogamous relationships the same way.

Different strokes for different folks, that’s all I’m saying. There is more than one form of non-monogamy, so declaring that it isn’t this or isn’t that is kind of a bad idea.

Polyamory means to love more people;

  1. And to eternally bind them into an unbreakable cult of worshippers who are never allowed to ever love or desire anyone who isn’t approved by committee.
  2. And it must last FOREVER. Nobody gets to ever go monogamous! NEVER! IT IS TREACHERY MOST FOUL!
  3. LKH also doesn’t seem to realize that not everyone in a poly relationship needs to love each other.
  4. Nor, for that matter, do they only need to be involved with people within a structured relationship.

 
it’s a relationship with multiple partners. No lies, no cheating.

And since it’s a relationship with multiple partners… there is the possibility of lies and cheating.

Yes, people like Hamilton like to pretend that polyamory means no more cheating ever, suck it monogamists. But polyamorists do and can cheat.

 
My plus one needs to be a plus three:

“Also, they need to widen the sidewalks so we can all walk hand in hand! We need a bicycle built for however-many-people I’m involved with! We need to develop new dances so all four of us can waltz with each other simultaneously!”

I’m pretty sure that being polyamorous doesn’t mean you have to drag your boyfriends and/or girlfriends everywhere.

 
my husband, our girlfriend, and her husband.

… yeah, that doesn’t sound off at all. It sure doesn’t sound like the husband is shoved in as an afterthought and an outsider, just because LKH wasn’t able to leave him out. It sure doesn’t stick out that he’s “our girlfriend’s husband” instead of “our boyfriend.” Nope nope nope. Poly happiness everywhere!

 
We’re still searching for that perfect bed that sleeps four comfortably.

  1. Ugh, that sounds horrible. The heat alone would be awful.
  2. Seriously, I can barely stand being in a bed with MYSELF.
  3. And again, being in a poly relationship doesn’t mean you have to sleep together ALL at the same time. Especially since it doesn’t mean you NEED to be involved with everybody in it.

Look, here’s an example of a polyamorous author talking about her life, Pamela Dean.

I have two life partners, whom I live with, along with one of my husband’s other partners; and I have another romantic interest, of going on six years’ standing; my relationship with her has refused to fit into any easy category, but is nonetheless important.

… I can’t even think of a context where it might be a problem. Well, I suppose descending on a World Fantasy Awards Banquet and insisting that all three of one’s sweeties and all their sweeties be allowed to sit with one at one’s publisher’s table could be a difficulty, but I don’t think that would be appropriate anyway; sometimes they haven’t even room for each writer to bring one guest, let alone a horde.

See, that doesn’t bother me, because Dean isn’t insisting that everybody must be this super tight-knit unit where everybody is involved with everyone else, but okay with the idea that sometimes partners have other partners that their partners are not partners with. She also indicates that not everybody lives together. She’s also totally okay with people NOT accommodating all her romantic partners and THEIR romantic partners, because she is thinking about OTHERS when she does it.

 
We take turns shopping, cooking, doing dishes, just like other couples,

… except for the part where LKH doesn’t seem to do any of that.

 
but we’re a fourple.

I hate that word. It isn’t even a word. Call yourself a quartet or something.

(Though it’s still better than her previous word, “polyquad,” which sounds like an adorable Australian animal).


Behold, the wild polyquads!

More adults to help run the household, yay!

How much “running” does it need?! None of you currently has any children, you don’t collectively run a business, and you don’t exactly have a vast mansion. Why does your household require more “running” than a house rented by college roommates?

 
A kitchen remodel meant we all had to agree on every­thing, not so yay.

  1. So… being in a relationship with more than one person means that you need unanimous approval?
  2. That seems… unlikely.
  3. I mean, take any grouping of people, and they won’t be able to agree on pizza toppings, let alone home furnishings.
  4. What’s wrong with taking a vote?

 
But we did agree and we love it, from the handmade tiles to the Viking stove.

That mention of the expensive stuff in her house is so subtle I almost didn’t notice it.

 
What? Did you think it was all orgies and that the household ran on magic, where everything is always clean, and clothes never wrinkle, they only tear off in moments of passion, buttons zinging across the marble countertops?

  1. Well, that’s how it is in HER BOOKS.
  2. She may talk endlessly about how realistic her relationships are, but when was the last time Anita mowed the lawn? Went shopping for someone else? Cleaned a toilet? Oh right, she doesn’t do that – she just humps people wherever she finds herself and allows them to sit there massaging her ego and keeping her from exploding at the slightest inconvenience.
  3. The only person who allegedly does ANYTHING is Nathaniel, who happily does EVERYTHING… when we’re not looking. All the housework, cooking, shopping, etc NEVER interferes in trailing after Anita like a creepy, manipulative pet.
  4. He never says, “Oh sorry, Anita. I can’t come to the Circus so we can all crap on Asher. I need to go to Costco to buy light bulbs, rice and frozen pizzas. We’re all out, and I’ll have nothing to make for dinner if I don’t go right now.”
  5. And I can’t help but wonder how far this “oh we’re totes a REAL relationship who ALL pitch in, not just about sex!” thing goes for LKH.
  6. For instance, LKH doesn’t like kids. She’s never really hidden this, and she’s always equated children with negative experiences like sickness, death and interference in sex.
  7. So what is going to happen if her girlfriend decides she wants to have a baby, especially with the husband LKH clearly doesn’t like?
  8. Is she going to change diapers, bottle-feed, take it to the pediatrician, go to its school meetings, help it with homework?
  9. After all, it’s not all just about sex, but about all of them doing stuff to run the house together.
  10. Or does she think everything major requires a unanimous vote, and she can just vote it down?
  11. Just curious.
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