New Moon – The Story

A note: I don’t pull any punches here, so if you haven’t read New Moon and you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read this.

cries hysterically

Sorry, it’s already spoiled for me. Kind of like a piece of limburger you leave in your car for two months of summer.

 
Writing a sequel is a very different experience than writing a story. It was for me, at least.

A sequel is a KIND of story, you dipshit. And you should KNOW that.

Then again, who am I kidding? New Moon HAS no story. And this is Smeyer, who thinks Pride and Prejudice is all about an ordinary bookish girl attracting a dickish rich man, and nothing else.

 
If you’ve read the story behind Twilight, then you know that I didn’t set out to write a novel or begin a career as an author. I was just writing down a story for my personal enjoyment, letting it grow as it would and lead where it would. No pressure, just fun.

Lots of sex scenes involving mustard, clown feet and giant sparkly penises! That was the fun part!

 
The first sequel I wrote to Twilight—Forever Dawn—was more of the same.

FUCKING KILL ME.

She ran the whole “I’m hot for you/but we mustn’t!” thing into the ground in Twilight! Is she seriously saying that she wrote ANOTHER book of the exact same tiresome drivel?!>

 
Originally, Twilight had a more defined ending.

So I assume it ended the same way as Life and Death, except with the genders unreversed.

 
But, when it was ended, I started writing epilogues. After I’d written three epilogues, all of them over a hundred pages long, I realized I wasn’t ready to stop writing about Bella and Edward.

HOLY FUCKING HELL. What did she have to write about for THREE HUNDRED PAGES?!

I mean, the ending of Twilight isn’t particularly complex, and I can only think of one actual plot thread that required any wrapping-up. And really, it wasn’t really screaming for resolution. I don’t think anyone who read Twilightactually cared what happened to Victoria… either because they have the attention spans of lab mice, or because they were too damaged by the experience.

 
One of those epilogues turned into Forever Dawn.

ONLY ONE?!?!?!?!?!

(People often ask me if I’m ever going to make Forever Dawn public. The answer is no. For one thing, it’s not great—it’s downright embarrassing in some places.

She published the rest of the series, so “embarrassing” and “not great” clearly are not obstacles for her. Or… the book was Fifty Shadesbad, and that is not something I can bear to imagine.

 
However, some of the content will work as a loose outline for book four, so I can’t tell you what happened, either.)

So THAT’S what she kept from her “embarrassing” first draft? The alien pregnancy and pedophilia?

 
I was about three hundred pages into Forever Dawn when my life got turned upside down.

I started hallucinating about sparkly naked boys! It’s not creepy!

 
People were going to read what I was writing. More specifically, young adults were going to be reading what I was writing. Unintentionally, I’d written a young adult novel.

Well, given Smeyer’s attitude towards sex… and swearing… and violence… and anything more advanced or more mature than a bratty teenager… it should surprise nobody that it turned out that way.

 
I realized pretty quickly that Forever Dawn did not follow the rules of YA.

I’m not sure what those rules are, because… there really aren’t any. There are tropes, but as long as you don’t get super-graphic with sex or violence (don’t be Game of Thronesy) you don’t have to stick to them.

I mean, generally you need to have a protagonist who is 18/19 or below. But having a young protagonist doesn’t make your book YA (To Kill A Mockingbird)and some series for kids and teens follow the hero/ine into adulthood (take John Flanagan’s Ranger’s Apprentice series, where we do follow the hero several years after he got married, then lost his wife).

And a lot of books sort of cross over between YA and adult fiction. Some series are considered appropriate for teens, but also complex enough for adults. For instance, Garth Nix’s Abhorsenseries generally has protagonists in their teens, but usually late enough in their teens that they act like adults. Nix’s Sabriel, for instance, is only seventeen or eighteen when the story starts, but she’s very pragmatic and well-trained, so she isn’t whining and being a drama queen, but is still inexperienced enough that you can empathize with her. Also, Nix follows her well into her thirties.

Or take Erika Johansen’s Tearling series. Technically for adults, but except for a few mature themes (which you can find in some YA books) they are no different from a longer YA series.

Or how about The Hunger Games series? It has a pretty graphic depiction of teenagers and children MURDERING EACH OTHER, mixed with political intrigue and social commentary. The writing isn’t phenomenal, but it is definitely a very dark and powerful story that requires a lot of maturity. A few decades ago, I bet it would have been considered too dark and adult.

Or how about Red Risingby Pierce Brown? The main character is actually only in his mid-teens (since Reds have a very short lifespan), but lives an adult’s life at first. He’s even married. Then he’s switched over into the lifestyle of a Gold, meaning he’s now being treated as an adolescent who needs to prove himself and be trained. Technically an adult novel (there is an offscreen rape, which I think teens can cope with), but definitely YA-esque.

 
Because I was caught up in the story, I finished Forever Dawn anyway, knowing that it would never see the light of day; I gave it to my big sister as a birthday gift. And then I started on the real sequel.

… why would you? I mean, if you knew nobody was ever going to see it until she wants a new fleet of Volvos, why waste your time on fanfic based on your own book?!

… that doesn’t count. She actually sold that shit.

 
The biggest non-YA thing I’d done with Forever Dawn was this: I’d pretty much passed over the rest of Bella’s high school experience entirely, skipping ahead to a time in her life with more mature themes.

I wonder if that is why she says it’s not good, because “more mature themes” sounds much more interesting than “Bella whines about wanting to be a vampire and has a meltdown.” Of course, this is Meyer, so “more mature” probably means that she’s a suicidal twenty-year-old who still acts thirteen.

Either that, or Meyer’s “more mature” means sex, and that is why she refuses to let anyone see it.

And if you see above, I pointed out that yes, there are young-adult/children’s books that do that. Hell, Will Treaty is an adult (legally/socially) for a good chunk of the series!

 
So, as I began to sketch out New Moon, I went back to Bella’s senior year of high school and asked my little cast of characters, “What happened?”

A whole lot of nothing, apparently.

 
I swiftly regretted asking them for the story. Because they gave me a story I wasn’t expecting. More specifically, Edward told me something I didn’t want to hear.

“Have sex with your self-insert? Ewwwwww, I don’t like vagina.”

 
I should probably mention here that I am not crazy (that I know of),

Not diagnosed, anyway.

 
I write my stories because of my characters; they are the motivation and the reward.

“And it’s definitely NOT because I wasn’t worshipped in high school and ended up married to an ordinary schlub and had to be an ordinary housewife taking care of snotty-nosed kids, instead of married to a 1%er sparkly vampire who will let me live a life of tacky nouveau riche idleness as an eternal teenager. That was NOT my motivation.”

 
The difficulty with strong, defined characters, though, is that you can’t make them do something that is out of character.

And then there are Twilight characters…

 
NO! I didn’t want Edward to leave. I pitched a fit every bit as violent and tearful as those I’ve seen in New Moon discussion forums.

I love to imagine her doing this in real life. Her husband and kids just find her lying in the driveway, howling and bawling “EDWAAAAAAARD! DON’T LEEEEEEAVE MEEEEEEEE!” You know, going full Bella.

“Stephenie, what are you doing out here?”
“EDWARD LEFT MEEEEEEE!”
“… what?”
“HE LEFT ME AND NOW MY LIFE IS OVER!”
“Stephenie, he’s not a real person. He’s fictional.”
“I CAN’T LIIIIIIIIIVE WITHOUT HIM!”
“Seriously, I’m going to call a doctor.”
“COME BACK, EDWAAAAAAARD!”

 
Someday, when Midnight Sun (Edward’s version of Twilight) is available, I think you’ll understand better what was going on in the boy’s head.

I’ve read what parts of it were leaked, and frankly… it tells me exactly what I expected. Edward’s inner self is exactly like his outer self: an egotistical, whiny, bratty little twat who hates women, suppresses his homoerotic feelings, and treats Bella like shit.

The only difference is that while that personality was merely interpretable in Twilight…but Midnight Sun proved that I was right all along.

See, just as Bella doesn’t think she’s good enough for Edward, Edward sees himself as a soulless monster destroying Bella’s life and endangering her afterlife.

… or he’s a controlling misogynistic prick who doesn’t want his girlfriend to be equal to him in physical power, because then he couldn’t push her around and intimidate her.

For example, he has shown that he is okay with her dying in agony – including sucking her blood – as long as she doesn’t become a vampire. And as further evidence that this is misogyny, just consider: in Life and Death, the story ends… with She-Edward turning He-Bella into a vampire. So either she thinks Edward would care less if he had a vagina, or she couldn’t bear to write about a woman controlling a man’s life and destiny because… woman weak and stupid.

 
The incident with Jasper acts as a catalyst, forcing him to act.

Even though logically it should have been a concern all along, and the slightest preventative measures would have kept it from ever happening.

Oh, and did Alice have even the slightest inkling this would happen? Nope. Her powers are totes reliable, guys!

 
He is determined to save Bella. He thinks the best way to do this is to take the vampires out of her life.

Except that as a selfish fuckwit, he screwed it up in multiple ways, because actively removing all the vampires she knows… doesn’t erase the fact that she KNOWS ABOUT VAMPIRES. And therefore, it will not be enough to just leave.

For instance, what if Bella started looking for vampires? Actual sparklepires, not people who think that they are vampires. For one thing, apparently vampires running around killing people is pretty commonplace, to the point where the Cullens just kind of shrug it off in Eclipse. What if she sought out one of those vampires and convinced them to turn her?

Or how about the Internet? The Internet has all kinds of fucked-up corners, like ones devoted to weird fetishes too gross for me to describe, chronicling one’s deliberate anorexia, the Kardashians… so what if she went searching for vampires online? For one thing…. remember Alice saying that they have only one law except for the other ones?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that anyone inquiring about the whereabouts of super-pale, super-gorgeous sparkling people would likely attract some vampiric attention eventually. And given that the punishment is DEATH, it means that Edward is gambling that Bella will NEVER EVER EVER speak of this stuff to anyone…. and if he’s wrong, his entire family AND Bella will die. ALL OF THEM.

Hell, remember that Bella is acting insane, self-harming and suicidal. I’m shocked she didn’t go looking for the Volturi, if she was SO desperate to get in contact with vampires AND wanted to put herself in danger. It’s even more likely when you realize that the Volturi WANTED TO TURN HER.

Speaking of which, what about the Denali sisters? Edward had already blabbed to Bella that there was a coven of vegetarian vampires up in Denali, and presumably they hadn’t moved just because he broke up with his girlfriend. So why wouldn’t Bella head up there to either contact the Cullens through them, or ask these women to turn her?

I know that finding them would probably be at least SLIGHTLY difficult, but please note that Denali has a population of under two thousand people. Which means it has roughly half as many people as Forks does, which Bella sneers at as a small town where everybody knows everyone else’s bidniss. Would it be very, VERY hard to locate the only super-pale, super-gorgeous people who never appear in daylight? No, not really. I’m pretty sure that if Bella wanted, she could hop in her ugly old truck with her “quite enough” sock of money, drive up the coast, rent a motel room and start making inquiries.

In fact, please remember that Bella KNOWS THE NAMES OF THESE VAMPIRES. She has been explicitly told their names (she repeatedly mentions Tanya in New Moon), and she clearly remembers them. So that would make it even easier for her to hunt them down, because their names are not that common in the US (compared to Kate, anyway).

In fact… that would have been a kickass story for New Moon.Bella is heartbroken when Edward leaves her, so she decides to pursue vampirehood on her own terms so he won’t have any reason to avoid her. She tells Charlie she’s going on a road trip to “find herself” or something, but she’s actually planning to find the Denali Coven so they can give her what she most wants. No, not sparkling dick – vampirism!

Charlie resists this because he is worried about Bella’s mental health. He’s been inviting Jacob to dinner every night to try to distract Bella, since he has a good effect on her mood, but Bella won’t be dissuaded. She leaves a letter to her father saying this is something she needs to do, and sneaks out in the dead of night.

While she’s traveling, sleeping in her truck to save money and struggling past her heartbreak, she becomes aware that someone/something is tracking her. And as she approaches Denali, she sees the vampire that is following her – it’s Victoria! HORROR STING!

But then Victoria is driven off when one of the Denali sisters comes to confront her, and Bella rushes over to tell the sister – Tanya, let’s say – that she knows what she is, that she is Edward Cullen’s ex-girlfriend, and that Victoria was trying to kill her. Tanya is horrified, because Laurent is staying with them, and this new information throws his loyalties into doubt – especially since he has been gone hunting for the past week. So until things can be ironed out, the Denalis bring her into their house and debate what to do next.

Then Jacob suddenly appears on foot, and warns Bella about Victoria following her all the way from Washington. One of the Denalis reveals that he is a werewolf, their mortal enemy, shocking Bella. Jacob explains that he tried to kill Victoria to protect Bella, but she kept barely eluding him and he wasn’t able to.

Meanwhile, one of the sisters is out scouting when she sees Victoria with a gang of other vampires, old cronies of her and James. The Denalis debate whether they should turn Bella to keep Victoria from being able to kill her, but are worried that it could damage relations with the Cullens. They contact the Cullens for help, but are not sure whether help will arrive in time. To make matters even worse, a representative of the Volturi arrives with a deadline for killing or turning Bella. This shadowy, mysterious group know that Edward has violated their laws, and anyone who assists him by leaving Bella alive or human may share in his punishment.

Inevitably Victoria and her friends – including Laurent, which would allow for instant tragedy rather than rehashed ones TWO BOOKS LATER – attack the house and are barely held off until the Cullens arrive. Jacob chases Victoria off while her friends are killed, but loses her in the woods. He wants to take Bella back to Forks immediately, but she insists she has to stay there for the time being. Upset, Jacob leaves.

Meanwhile, Edward is filled in on how his stupid decision endangered Bella, since only her sudden flight from Forks saved her from Victoria. He insists that Bella can’t be turned, but the Denalis point out that he’s killing them, Bella and his family if he keeps up with this, and if he doesn’t turn her, they will. When Edward tries to come up with a Cunning Plan, Bella tells him that she’s chosen this for herself, and he doesn’t get to tell her what her destiny will be. Since they have a deadline, the other people browbeat Edward for being selfish, until he agrees to turn her at the deadline date. The Cullens move back to Forks, where Bella learns that Jacob is distancing himself from her.

Wait…. what just happened?

I just literally came up with a MUCH BETTER PLOT than anything in New Moon, hitting most of the same plot-required marks, but without Bella being an evil selfish twat, manipulating the werewolves, the silly melodrama or the plotless exploration of Bella’s emoness.

 
Is he being silly? In some ways, yes.

Oh, he’s being so silly in his controlling douchebaggery. Teehee!

 
Edward’s dealing with the idea that if he hadn’t been quick enough, if he hadn’t read Jasper’s thoughts just in the nick of time, then would that—death—have been better for Bella than a life with Edward? If she died at eighteen and went to heaven, wouldn’t that be better than an immortal but soulless and damned existence?

Here’s a question: why aren’t you addressing the fucking stupidity of his beliefs, since they make no logical sense, are based on nothing, nobody shares them, and they exist entirely so he can wangst and be a controlling dickbag? NOTHING about Edward’s attitude towards Bella becoming a vampire makes logical sense, because it’s all based on stuff pulled from his ass (the spiritual aspect) or stuff that contradicts his viewpoints (“You neeeeeeed human experiences!”).

This is like trying to make us sympathize with the inner turmoil and wangst of a guy who is forced to dump his girlfriend because he believes the moon landing was faked and she doesn’t. I’m too busy thinking about what a moron he is to care about his twagic romantic feelings.

It’s also totally inconsistent. Does anyone actually believe he thinks his darling shining Joseph Smith Carlisle is “soulless and damned”? Or Esme? Or Alice? Or his true love, Emmett? Of course not. He only applies this to himself, so he can wangst about it, and to Bella, so he can continue to control her life.

And of course, that’s what it’s about. This whole section is basically just Meyer trying to justify Edward’s dickbaggery by insisting, “It’s becuz he WUVS her so!” But of course, she never acknowledges even for a second that he is WRONG, that it is HER choice to make and not his. Even if it is the wrong choice, IT IS NOT HIS TO MAKE. So him acting like a dickbag in order to control her doesn’t stop being a dickbag just because you attach the word “wuv” to it.

Also, you can’t be soulless AND damned. One or the other, but not both.

 
So there I was, with Edward leaving. It was a hard pill to swallow, but once I accepted the inevitability of it,

Please stop pretending that you didn’t know he was coming back.

 
WHAT IF… What if true love left you?

That would be an interesting exercise… if this series had any “true love.”

Not some ordinary high school romance,not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable.

Not a super-rich guy who could make you immortal and lavish money on you so you can just lie around being boring for the rest of eternity. Now THAT is true love! Fuck personality!

Oh, and Meyer? If you want us to believe that this is the one, the only, the irreplaceable romance that no other can even come close to…

  1. Don’t have them spend most of their time fighting.
  2. Don’t have the whole relationship be based on wanting to fuck each other.
  3. Don’t have the whole relationship ALSO be based on smell and looks.
  4. Don’t have him spend most of his time trying to intimidate and/or mock her.
  5. Don’t emphasize that they are completely incompatible, and have several issues that can’t be resolved.

Because you know what? That points to a relationship that is actually much WORSE than an “ordinary high school romance” (sneer sneer) with a “random jock boyfriend” (how inferior to my imaginary sparkly boyfriend!). Specifically, it shows a relationship that is fundamentally broken and would realistically never lead to anything.

 
True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul’s match. What happens if he leaves?

Well, since it actually happens to real people, who have real relationships instead of dating for six months and never getting past the “making out” phase…

 
The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping.

Okay, first I want to specify that a lot of people don’t realize that there is a difference between passion and love.I remember once reading a book about the Rolling Stones, and it had Anita Pallenberg (lover of Keith Richards, Brian Jones and Mick Jagger) discussion her relationships with the men. She stated, “[Brian Jones] was, I think, the passion of my life. There’s a difference between love and passion. Brian had that passion, and I think I was passionately in love with him.”

Stephenie Meyer clearly doesn’t know the difference. She mushes together women who actually HAD love… and women who had PASSIONS, but whose relationships were either false or damaged.

And seriously, how much NERVE must you have to compare classic heroines of romance like Juliet, Isolde and Marianne Dashwood to your twat of a heroine? Meyer wrote one of the shallowest “romances” ever written, with a golddigging “heroine” and a creepy misogynist “hero.” Yet she DARES to compare her story to them.

  • Anne Shirley didn’t lose Gilbert. He got sick once, but she didn’t “lose” him – and in fact had not fully realized she was in love with him before that.
  • Juliet “fell in love” with a guy she had met twice, who was obsessing on her cousin about five minutes before he saw her. Also, she’s a sheltered 13-year-old drama queen. True love, huh?
  • Marianne Dashwood did not have “true love” with Willoughby. The whole point of her subplot was that she did love him, but it was a love based on someone he wasn’t. He was her fantasy passion, and her actual love was her husband (and you know it killed Smeyer when she married fusty, un-hot old-guy Colonel Brandon).
  • Isolde’s fate isn’t even the same in every story, bimbo. In one, he kills her. In another, she drops dead when he dies. And it wasn’t a terribly compelling love since it was caused by a LOVE POTION.
  • Catherine and Scarlett… let’s face it, those are more about passion than love.

And yet, I prefer ALL those stories as romances, because none of them are fucking Twilight.

 
I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her?

Becomes somehow even more boring, whiny and insufferable than she was before… with extra self-harm!

Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward

 

 

 

 

OH YOU FUCKING HACK.

You actually have the fucking gall to act like Edward Cullen is the peak of ideal manhood, that none of those relationships are AS GOOD because HE’S EDWARD CULLEN, and those women didn’t lose as much because THEIR GUYS WEREN’T EDWARD CULLEN, so their loss wasn’t as big a deal. Who cares about losing true love unless the person you love is “perfect”?

Yeah, I know I criticized some of those examples. But the difference is, I’m not a hack writer telling people that the crappy vampire romance I’m writing is SUPERIOR to some of the greatest works of literature in the English language, by great writers such as Austen, Shakespeare, Bronte, and whoever the hell wrote Tristam and Iseult. I’m not arrogant enough to insist that my shithead “hero,” who creeps into girls’ bedrooms and schemes to kill innocent people, is the ultimate lover.

You know what Edward Cullen is, Meyer? You want to know what your “perfect” man who is allegedly superior to all other men is? He’s a whiny, immature little brat who throws tantrums if anyone defies his will.

He’s a wimpy little pussy who didn’t even attack the guy who had half-killed his girlfriend, and got his ass handed to him by a preteen.

He’s dumbass whose cunning plans could be thwarted by anyone with more brain function than a gerbil.

He’s a creepy freak whose seething hatred for all women is only eclipsed by his stalker tendencies.

He’s a socially-inept loser who can’t interact like a normal person unless he mind-rapes someone.

He’s a pathetic poser who sits in a corner telling himself how scary and dangerous he is, while everyone ignores him.

He’s a misogynist who loathes all women who aren’t “mothers” or “platonic friends,” screams obscenities when a woman refuses to do what he orders her to, and constantly mocks his girlfriend.

He’s a sociopath who repeatedly and cold-bloodedly plots to kill innocent people by the dozens.

Oh, and he’s also probably gay. Seriously, any man who spends so much time rhapsodizing about other men while doing everything he can to avoid having sex with a woman… that doesn’t point at “straight as an arrow.”

So fuck off. Fuck off and take your imaginary teenage sparkly paramour with you.

 
(Romeo was a hothead,

So?! What does that have to do with the relationship he had with Juliet? Unlike “perfect” Edward, he never physically abused her, like grabbing her head and twisting it to where he wanted her to look, or acting rapey and physically pinning her down!

And unlike Edturd’s tantrums, Romeo had a legitimate reason to blow his stack: he was trying to break up a fight, and Tybalt murdered his friend Mercutio. His killing of Tybalt wasn’t because he was a “hothead,” but because he was grief-stricken and justifiably angry. Also probably guilt-ridden because Mercutio only got into the fight because Romeo refused to fight his secret wife’s cousin, because Mercutio wasn’t from either family and therefore had no stake in the fight.

Ugh. She “bases” her fucking awful book on Romeo and Juliet, and dares to sum up the characterization with a SINGLE WORD.

 
Willoughby was a scoundrel,

… which is why it wasn’t “true love.” You can’t truly love someone if you don’t even know what kind of person they are. You fuckwit. YOU decided it was true love because he’s hotter than Brandon.

 
Tristan had loyalty issues,

So fucking his aunt-by-marriage is okay, but not marrying someone single whom he didn’t wuv trooly. Smeyer logic!

By her standards, Jaime Lannister is a superior man. Sure, he’s fucking his own sister and tried to kill a kid to keep that secret, but at least he doesn’t bang other women.

 
Heathcliff was pure evil,

Which doesn’t suggest it was “love,” does it?

Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers,

Again, doesn’t suggest real love, does it? At the very least, a damaged, volatile, badly flawed love that is not particularly “true.”

 
and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward).

… so it’s an inferior “True Love” because he was nice instead of being a mean, misogynistic creep? So a guy who doesn’t treat women like shit is somehow inferior to Edward? HOW IN FUCKING HELL DOES THAT WORK?!


I just… how can someone actually listen to the diarrheic drivel that pours from this woman’s gob?! How can ANYONE stand to pay attention to anything she says?! She is so shallow and bitchy and sneering that I just want to pelt her and her fucking awful books with ROCKS.

 
So what happens when True Love in the form of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?

SHUT YOUR NOISE HOLE.

 
I let Bella answer the question for herself, writing to see what she would do.

Well, clearly that was a mistake. Because not only was her story horrifyingly boring and awful… but she also was unintentionally comical, with her endless melodrahmaz and rambling about her imaginary holes. So yeah, you fucked up.

 
It was hard to write her pain, because I had to live it to write it, and I was often writing through my tears.

No, you didn’t have to live it to write it. If you have to “live” something to write about it, you have no business writing fiction.

 
At the same time, it was always interesting. Bella surprised me with her grit and dogged determination. She pushed through the agony, living for others—Charlie in this case—as has always been her style.

“Living for others”? Since when? She’s done exactly one unselfish thing in the whole series, and it was wildly out-of-character.

What has she done? She rejoiced that her parents got divorced. She mocked people who were nice to her. She used the werewolves, then tossed them aside with a sneer when she got her sparklepires back. She used Jessica as a front for her crazy behavior. She “unselfishly” tried to keep Charlie safe by staying in the same house as him.

Hell, she wasn’t “living for Charlie” in Forks, because he wanted to send her off to live with her mom. Why didn’t she go? Because she wanted to hang around Forks just in case her ex-boyfriend decided to come back.

(Side note: there are those who think Bella is a wuss. There are those who think my stories are misogynistic—the damsel in distress must be rescued by strong hero.

  1. She is a wuss.
  2. She cries, she admits to being a coward, she is too wimpy to ever do anything herself, and she claims to be too emotionally fragile to cope with someone saying, “I don’t want to hang out with you.” Oh, and she faints in the first book because she pricked her finger.
  3. And your stories ARE misogynistic.
  4. The fact that Bella is a useless twat who needs to be “saved” is beside the point, since Edward never manages to save her from anything, because he’s also a useless twat.
  5. Your stories are misogynistic because femininity is inherently associated with weakness and cowardice, attractive women are depicted as sluts and bitches, all “good” women are mindless Stepford homemakers, every good romantic relationship is a father-daughter one, women are wanton sex fiends who need to be kept under control by a morally upright man, men tell women what to do and women are expected to just obey, etc.
  6. Trying to depict all accusations of sexism as being about that ONE THING… is just a sign of how you don’t want to acknowledge the reality. Which is that your books are misogynist.
  7. Fuckwit.

 
Detractors of her reaction don’t always take into account that I’m talking about true love here, rather than high school infatuation.

  1. No, it’s not true love.
  2. Like I said above, the relationship is filled with mockery, fighting, sexism and serious issues that are not being addressed. That is not true love.
  3. And high school infatuation? High school infatuation is DEEPER than their relationship.
  4. At least high school infatuation can be PARTLY based on someone’s personality, as well as their looks.
  5. They got together because he was hot, and she smelled good. That is literally the only thing that attracted them to each other.
  6. Oh, and the novelty that he couldn’t read her shallow, selfish little mind. That too.
  7. And considering Bella’s fixation on being turned into a vampire, it comes across less as “twoo wuv” and more “I want to be a sparkly rich immortal, and my boyfriend can give me that.”
  8. Seriously, she spends a LOT of time moaning in New Moonabout how she’ll never be a vampire now. Not that she is forever parted from Edward because she isn’t a vampire… but that she wanted to be a vampire, and now she doesn’t get to.
  9. Hell, when they were on their way to stop Edturd’s suicide, she almost orgasmed with joy because Alice said she would turn her.
  10. You’d think the possible death of your true love would matter more than “I’m getting what I want!”

I emphatically reject the second accusation.

You would, wouldn’t you? Fuck off.

 
I am all about girl power—look at Alice and Jane if you doubt that.

Yes, those two are totally all about girl power. Jane is pure evil and sadistic, and Alice… doesn’t actually do much of anything. Seriously, she predicts the future but screws up when it most counts, and not a lot else except killing enemies that Edward is too much of a pussy to even fight.

Alice’s only other reason for being in the story is to worship Bella, and force her to wear pretty clothes because Meyer thinks you can’t be deep and smart AND nicely dressed.

Oh, and don’t say “girl power.” You sound like a fucking Spice Girl.

 
I am not anti-female, I am anti-human.

  1. Yes, because females aren’t human. It’s not like half the human species IS female.
  2. So yes, logically she is anti-female because you can’t hate the human species without hating a large number of females who are part of it.
  3. Moron.
  4. Does she think that saying she hates human beings somehow makes her seem more likable than saying, “I hate other women”?
  5. Because it doesn’t, especially when she clearly hates women too.
  6. A person who didn’t wouldn’t spend so much time depicting all women who DON’T worship her self-insert as callous, shallow, jealous bitches who don’t deserve the Perfect Wuv Bella does, or mannish she-hulks who can’t have babies.
  7. Yes, we know you hate humans, Meyer. Your constant sneering that humans are boring, ordinary, weak, unworthy, inferior to your Superior Speciesin every way makes it very clear.
  8. You don’t want to be human. You pretty obviously want to be the speshul snowflake elite, who are smarter, stronger, morally superior and cooler and whiter and richerthan mere mortals.
  9. But you’re not. If cool, elegant, cultured vampires existed, they wouldn’t want someone as tiresome, shallow and stupid as you. Someone whose imagination is so small and cramped, whose morals are so self-centered, whose tiny intellect is so shriveled and misshapen.
  10. In short, you are everything you hate in the human species. You are shallow, petty, dumb, weak and unworthy.
  11. And worst of all, you are too boring and bland to even be amusing in your wretchedness like Laurell K. Hamilton.
  12. And I bet on some level, you know that.

 
if the narrator had been a male human, it would not have changed the events.

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Yep, she tried to prove this point by “writing” a gender-flipped version of Twishite. And instead of proving that the story would be just the same if a dude were the main character instead of a girl… she proved that it wouldn’t.

Because she’s a misogynist, she couldn’t BEAR to write about a guy being cowardly, or experiencing doubt, or feeling unattractive, or being intimidated by a girl, or any of that.And by the same token, she couldn’t bear to have a girl be physically and mentally intimidating, since Beau frequently mentions how WEIRD it is if he ever feels intimidated by Edythe. And since she’s a woman, she isn’t constantly mocking him, sneering at him as weak, and generally being a twat.

People thought it was pretty much the same book… but when you look at the texts side-by-side, you realize she changed a LOT of this to accommodate how she perceives men and women. Sometimes it’s just a word removed or added, or a phrase, or even a sentence. But it means that she doesn’t want a male hero who is as pathetic as Bella, or a female heroine who is as dickish and physically intimidating as Edturd.

And of course, the ending of the book is all about how Edythe, having a vagina, isn’t as strong and moral and loving as darling Edturd.

 
When a human being is totally surrounded by creatures with supernatural strength, speed, senses, and various other uncanny powers, he or she is not going to be able to hold his or her own. Sorry. That’s just the way it is.

No, actually they can. Allow me to introduce you to Karrin Murphy.

Karrin Murphy is a female cop in the Dresden Files series. She is a completely ordinary human being with no supernatural powers whatsoever. Hell, she didn’t even find out much about the supernatural world until the FOURTH BOOK of the series… moments before she carved up a plant fae with a chainsaw. It was an awesome moment.

And yet, despite being a totally mundane human, Murphy holds her own in the supernatural world.No, she’s not as strong as most of the creatures she comes across. She suffers horrible mental trauma and physical injury due to going up against such creatures. And no, she can’t deal with every magical situation in the series… but that’s okay. It doesn’t make her weak or useless (like Bella) just because she can’t do EVERYTHING.

But she holds her own because she knows who to ally herself with to compensate for her weaknesses. Because she’s tough and hones her body to maximum fitness, so she can do as much as any human being could. Because she’s smart and can think her way through problems rather than just sniveling in a corner like Bella (see plant fae above). Because she’s adept with weapons both magical and mundane.

Most importantly, Murphy is GUTSY. She won’t back down because she’s too busy bleating about how weak and human she is. She’ll charge in and attack creatures far more powerful than she is – and win – because she’s smart, capable, and because she never backs down when something needs to be done. That’s why various people – including divine knights, wizards, vampires and demon mercs – admire her bravery and capability. That’s why she ends up the HEAD of a supernatural alliance to protect Chicago after everything goes to hell.

So yeah, the whole “she’s just an ordinary human, and ordinary humans can’t hold their own!” argument is fucking stupid. Bella doesn’t even TRY, let alone work at it.

And no, don’t even try to tell me that Meyer’s approach is more “realistic.” She created a Superior Species who literally have no weaknesses at all, and whose feeding habits defy logic on several levels. Jim Butcher has fever dreams that are more realistic than her little sexual fantasies.

We can’t all be slayers.

We can at least be competent. Tell me, why doesn’t Bella try to THINK her way out of situations with vampires? Right, because she’s a moron and too lazy to do anything.

 
Bella does pretty well I think, all things considered.

Of course you do. She’s your self-insert. How often does a SUE fail to do anything well?

 
She saves Edward, after all.

By glomping him. You don’t get cred for “saving” someone when all you do is grind all over them. When it comes to the Volturi and “saving” Edward (which she could have done by declaring that she wanted to be turned), she sits there like a sack of spoiled meat.

 
To follow after Twilight, I needed a time of day to reflect the mood of the sequel.

“Twilight” didn’t describe the mood of the first book. “Middle of the afternoon on a boring rainy day” was the most typical time of day, unless Bella was in her room at night, being boring and writing about cliched topics.

As this is the blackest period of Bella’s life, I thought it appropriate to name the book after the darkest kind of night, a night with no moon.

No, the darkest kind of night would be a new moon that is also stormy and cloudy. New moon nights still have stars, asshat.

 
When the advanced reading copies began to fall into the hands of my fans, I asked people read New Moon twice,

I’m shocked she didn’t assume they would already, what with her characters being superior to those in any fiction EVER.

 
I’ve found that readers are so anxious about the absence of Edward

Anxious? That’s odd. I spent too much time drinking because of Bella’s continued presence that I barely noticed Edturd was gone.

 
that they can’t settle into the middle portion of the book.

And God forbid they not pay attention to Bella whining… and whining… and walking… and using Jacob for her own ends… and NOT witnessing an epic battle… and whining… and using ALL the werewolves… and whining… and walking… and whining… and NOT committing suicide…. I mean, the book would just be RUINED if they didn’t read those parts.

 
However, at that point they’ve missed the main section of the novel almost completely.

She says that like it’s a bad thing.

 
On a second reading, knowing that Edward will return to the story at the proper place and time, the reader can slow down and enjoy the wondrousness that is Jacob Black.

“See, he starts out as a nice kind friendly guy, but then morphs into an asshole! He’s so DREAMY!”

I didn’t realize until I was working on the resolution how much my characters had gained from this experience. Vital stuff.

Vital stuff like, “Bella gets her way,” and “Edward completely fails to attack a preteen.”

 
Without this painful separation, Bella might never have realized that Edward really is hers to keep.

  1. Yes, because nothing says “mine to keep” like being dumped for several months.
  2. In fact, she TORTURES the reader by constantly bleating that Edward doesn’t love her, even as he dry-humps her in her plane seat.
  3. Also, it creeps me out when people use exclusively possessive language.
  4. Especially in a book series where Bella thinks about “staking a claim” to a guy.

 
Words can’t quite capture the life-changing nature of this knowledge for Bella.

…. which is probably why that part is so horribly written. Bella just goes, “Oh, I get it now,” and the subject is dropped forever. It’s as anticlimactic as Breaking Dawn.

 
Equally as cataclysmic—Edward finally realizes the intensity of Bella’s feelings for him,

Which ones? Her craving for dick, her love for her own future vampire perfection, or her overwhelming lust for his wallet?

 
something he has always underestimated.

That’s because Edward is socially inept and completely lacking in empathy. He literally can’t grasp ANYTHING that isn’t spoon-fed to him by telepathy.

 
Here’s the thing about Edward: he knows human nature pretty well.

No. He doesn’t. This is demonstrated many, many, many times.

For instance, his insistence that he’s super-scary and everyone in the school is afraid of him. We’re then shown that no, nobody really thinks about him or finds him frightening. For another, he thinks human beings are boring, despite the abundant and sometimes horrifying evidence to the contrary.

And if he knows human nature so much, how come he hasn’t figured out how own sexuality yet?

He’s seen a hundred thousand human relationships from the inside,

No, he hasn’t.

See, Edward’s powers allow him to hear people’s thoughts… AS THEY’RE THINKING THEM. Which means that he’s missing out on the WHOLE REST OF THEIR LIVES that he is not present for.

I know Smeyer doesn’t want to admit this, but couples who are loving, devoted and eternal… don’t have to be all luvvy-dovey ALL THE TIME, EVERY SECOND. Because nobody does that. Nobody feels that way 110% of the time. So what Edward is seeing is a SINGLE MOMENT in time… and is arrogant enough to think he can grasp a person’s ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP based on that. Nobody gets a bad day, or gets in a squabble, or anything. If you aren’t COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY LOVEY-DOVEY AND OBSESSED WITH EACH OTHER all the fucking time, it means you aren’t really in love.

You know, the kind of love that dumb tween girls think they are destined for with a boy-bander. The kind that doesn’t exist and never will, because true devotion and eternal love don’t require you to be fawning over each other and making out 24/7.

I could believe that ARO has a good grasp of human nature, because he can read a person’s whole LIFE by touching them. Edward? He gets a single snapshot, and thinks he knows everything about a person. Fuck off, emo boy.

and none of them have come close to touching the depth and everlasting devotion of Carlisle’s and Esme’s love, or Alice’s and Jasper’s, or even Rosalie’s and Emmett’s.

  1. Of course they haven’t. Nothing the Twishite vampires does can be equal/inferior to sniff mere humans.
  2. Like beauty, there is an upper limit to how much “love” you can have for someone before it becomes sick and unhealthy. It’s not an infinite quality, no matter what Meyer likes to think.
  3. And frankly, none of the relationships we see are particularly impressive. Sure, Smeyer insists that the vampires are more devoted and have deeper romances than any mere pathetic human…
  4. … but I literally think Alice and Jasper exchange maybe two lines of dialogue in the first two books (I still have to work my way line-by-line through the third and fourth, but I’m not optimistic). Carlisle mostly ignores Esme, and we don’t see much interaction between Emmett and Rosalie(seriously, have they had a whole conversation… EVER?). That doesn’t exactly scream “depth and everlasting devotion,” because these people hardly even SPEAK to their lovers.
  5. And even if I bought that they have super-duper deep love… which I do not… I don’t buy that they have depth or devotion.
  6. See, couples who really have everlasting devotion actually have to work at it. They have to learn to have harmony, to work with each other’s flaws and personalities, to handle challenges and problems together… and not just making out and going “I wuvs you” all the time.They do this because their love is important enough to them that they are willing to make sacrifices and work past every issue, because they care so much that it’s worth it. Even if it’s a small thing like picking up milk or fixing the clogged toilet.
  7. But the Cullens don’t have that. There’s no feeling of depth or devotion because they never encounter any problems or obstacles, so they don’t have to work at it. They just have to make out and stare at each other in that weird, weird way.
  8. Of course their “love” is “perfect.” THEY DON’T HAVE ANY PROBLEMS.
  9. That’s why there’s no real depth to their relationships. They don’t have any struggle, any clashes, any problems, anything to overcome EVER. They don’t even disagree with each other.
  10. Take Esme. She’s a dead-eyed Stepford wife who just smiles and agrees with everything Carlisle says and does. There’s no true depth or devotion there because there’s no interaction, and one of them never actually registers any feelings or thoughts of her own. How can I buy that they have “deep” love if one of them doesn’t even think for herself?
  11. There are couples whose relationships are rock-solid, loving and passionate until the day they die. Am I REALLY supposed to believe that they are LESS everlastingly devoted than people who LITERALLY NEVER SPEAK TO EACH OTHER?!

Let me give you an example from the real world.

This is Isador and Ida Straus, a couple who lived in the late 19th and early 20th century. He was the co-owner of the original Macy’s store and a Congressman, and she was a homemaker. They had seven children. Everyone who knew this couple were apparently impressed by how devoted they were; for instance, when he had to leave home on business, they would write each other every single day.

And you know what happened to them? Well, after a vacation in Europe, they were heading home to America… on the Titanic.

They were actually offered places on a lifeboat, but Isador refused because there were still women and children on board. He tried to get his beloved wife to leave the boat, but she refused, saying calmly “We have lived together for many years. Where you go, I go.” They were last seen standing on the deck with their arms linked together, in love until the very moment they died. This story was so powerful that not only did it become widespread in the Jewish community, but there is a cenotaph devoted to them with a quote from the Song of Solomon.

And even though James Cameron spent most of Titanic focusing on his stupid made-up romance… even he included a glimpse of the two embracing as their cabin floods with icy water. Not only a beautiful touching moment, but one that makes your heart ache when you realize that unlike the central romance… THESE WERE REAL PEOPLE. They were real, they were in love, they were brave and strong and unstoppable together. Their love made them better people in every way.

So tell me, Meyer… am I really supposed to buy that Ida and Isador’s love wasn’t as deep or devoted as that of creepy culty Carlisle and his Stepford wife, who barely even speak to one another and have never experienced a real problem? Am I supposed to buy that their love wasn’t as deep as Edturd and Bawla, who went out for six months of bitching and assholiness?

Am I supposed to buy that these rotten, selfish characters have “true wuv” and the Strauses did NOT?

 
Can you blame him for thinking himself—after one hundred years of immortal experience—capable of a more profound love than his eighteen-year-old human girlfriend?

Yes. I can. Because frankly, I can’t believe that Bella OR Edward is capable of loving anyone but themselves.

And you know what? Meyer’s depiction of “true love” that is deeper than any human love appears to involve no room for disagreement, displeasure or… you know, any problems ever. So how come the “true love” between Bella and Edward is so filled with them being assholes to each other?

 
Edward is, understandably, a bit of a know-it-all.

No, not understandably. He’s socially inept and has experienced nothing interesting in the last century.

 
He learns a lot through this experience, the most important being that Bella’s feelings for him are an exception to the human rule.

Yes, the important thing is that Bella is a SUPER-SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE OF AWESOMENESS WHO IS SUPERIOR TO ALL THE COMMON SHEEP. She’s destined for vampirehood, because she is better than all those stupid silly shallow people who don’t love deeply enough to act like mocking dicks.

Fuck off, you hack.

despite all his knowledge, he is fully able to make hideous mistakes in judgment.

Ooo, he’s not perfect and he occasionally makes mistakes? I’m so impressed by how much he’s learned and grown! FUCK OFF.

 
Ah, and then there is my favorite gift that New Moon gave to me: Jacob Black.

The favorite gift you made up, named after your brother, and then hitched to a newborn child bride.

 
Originally, Jacob was just a device. In Twilight, Bella needed a way to find out the truth about Edward, and the conveniently located Quileute Tribe, with all their fantastic legends, provided a cool option for that revelation.

Please stop reminding me that you are a phenomenally bad writer, who has random characters pop up just to exposit stuff the heroine is too lazy to research.

 
And so Jacob was born—born to tell Bella and Edward’s secret.

…. no, he wasn’t. They didn’t have a secret. Edward had a secret. Bella’s only secret is that she’s a bitch.

 
Jacob was my first experience with a character taking over—a minor character developing such roundness and life that I couldn’t keep him locked inside a tiny role.

And I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that with Edward gone, Bella needs another penis to fixate on.

I liked him. More than I should for such a small part.

I masturbated to him for a whole ten minutes during my “Edward time.”

 
Bella liked him.

Bella liked him because she could manipulate and use him.

 
And it wasn’t just us; my agent did, too. “I love that Jacob kid,” Jodi said (or something to that effect-this all happened in 2003). My editor agreed. “Can we get more Jacob in the story?” Megan asked.

I don’t think Meyer realizes that this doesn’t exactly make Edward look irresistible, since these women only seemed interested in adding a guy who is… NICE.

 
I was writing New Moon and editing Twilight simultaneously.

I guess that explains why they both sucked so badly.

 
So, when Jacob Black started taking over New Moon, I was able to go back and weave Jacob and Billy throughout Twilight more centrally.

Centrally? He has about three scenes, and two of them are just inserted at random.

 
Lots of people give me more credit than I deserve;

She should wear a shirt with that line.

 
they think I knew Jacob was a werewolf from the very beginning. This is not the case. Twilight was supposed to be a stand alone novel, remember. There was no thought of werewolves in my mind as I wrote it.

Yes, Twilight was a standalone… except that she was planning to write a sequel by the time she was finished with it, due to three hundred pages of “epilogues.” I totally believe this, almost as much as I believe that she has never read/watched Anne Rice.

On a more serious note, I again don’t believe this was true for one simple reason: Bella is still human at the end of Twilight. When you boil down the whole series, it’s about a conniving gold-digger trying to get her sexually-ambigous boyfriend to make her immortal.

Smeyer has openly admitted that she hates human beings, which is backed up by her sneering contempt for them compared to her sparkly Nazis. So… no, she wouldn’t allow her self-insert to end the story as a human, with the bland mundane lower-middle-class life and personal imperfections that come with it.

So either the ending of Life and Death was the original ending, but she rewrote it… or she always intended to write a sequel.

 
The Quileute (Quill-yoot) legends Jacob tells Bella in chapter six of Twilight are all genuine Quileute stories that I learned when I was researching the tribe (which is a real tribe with a truly fascinating and mystical history).All actual Quileute legends, except for the vampire myth about the ‘cold ones.’

So they’re all genuine legends…. except for the one Jacob actually told her, since his story is basically centered around the “cold ones” and the tribe’s relationship to them. Because Bella/Smeyer doesn’t give a shit about actual Quileute legends.

 
I latched onto the wolf story (the actual Quileute legend claims that the tribe descended from wolves transformed by a sorcerer)

Yes, it is. But if she didn’t plan to include werewolves… then why would she mention the wolf thing?

And is she crazy enough to think that this is somehow unique? Wolves are prominent in almost every North American mythology. For instance, the Shoshone believed that a wolf was a creator god, the Zunis carved protective wolf statues, the Kwakiutl ALSO believed they were descended from wolves, and most tribes had a clan represented by the wolf.

I know what Smeyer knows about Native American cultures can probably fit in Bella’s skull, but is she so stupid she thinks the Quileute are somehow unusual in having a wolf focus?

because it fit with my sketchy knowledge of vampires and werewolves always being at each others’ throats (ha ha, pun intended).

“I totally didn’t watch Underworld! All that tight clothing, and violence, and sexiness, and no bland suburban people at all!”

Seriously, this is a pretty recent development (I think it started with White Wolf, but gained its mainstream presence with Underworld), and has no actual basis in myth or legend. Hell, in the prototypical vampire folklore of the Strigoi… they were actually sorta the same creature. This is reflected in how Dracula turns into a wolf.

So yeah, she based that whole “vampires and werewolves are enemies, right, lolz?” thing on…. nothing. And frankly, their enmity in the series doesn’t make sense either.

 
Of course, I of all people should know that dreams can have a serious impact on your life.

I can almost hear the simpering smugness.

Bella’s wolf dream was always one of my favorite visual images from Twilight.

Apparently she’s too dumb to realize that it makes her look like an even worse writer than we know she is. It means she’s admitting she has not intentionally foreshadowed or set up anything. She just throws shit at the wall and waits for something to stick.

 
And I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be cool if it was true—if ALL of Jacob’s legends were founded in absolute fact? What if Jacob was descended from wolves?

Why in fuck did you bring up those legends if they had nothing to do with anything, you hack? How much irrelevant shit did you plaster in these books?!

 
Sam on the beach in Twilight was no longer just a believer in old traditions—he was the first contemporary wolf. Billy’s warnings were more vital—he had concrete evidence on his hands, rather than just suspicions. And Jacob, my poor, sweet Jacob, had a whole secret heritage just waiting to come crashing down on him.

Which of course brings up DOZENS of plot holes, such as why the tribe keeps this shit secret from the young werewolves rather than warning and isolating them so they won’t hurt someone or think they’re dying or going insane. Or why it only happens to teenagers rather than adult men, meaning they are more volatile and less organized.

And that doesn’t even address the SCIENCE FAIL Smeyer smears all over the werewolves.

It’s hard to explain how joyous the writing process was for me when I was creating Twilight. It was something I did for fun and excitement, with no concern for what anyone else might think, because no one else was ever going to read it.

Well, I guess that makes the mewling quim protagonist, the abusive relationship, the horrible writing and the total lack of plot slightly less egregious.

But I’m still gonna hate on it, because it is just that bad.

 
With New Moon, I knew people were going to read it.

“So I made sure it had even LESS plot and even WORSE writing!”

 
I was going to have to rethink and revise and rework.

“I wasn’t able to just fart my sexual fantasies onto the paper! I had to… WORK!”

 
New Moon was a very hard story to tell, not only emotionally, but also functionally. It needed a lot of work.

It STILL needs a lot of work. Holy fuck in the morning, this book literally has blank pages because the writer is so fucking inept. She has a suicide attempt she won’t admit is a suicide attempt. She wrote about Bella’s “hole” so often that I couldn’t do anything but drink, make sex jokes and post pictures of kittens. She literally wrote in a battle that happens offscreen. Oh, and she hypes up the Volturi, only to make them seem more reasonable than the Cullens.

And of course, there’s the fact that Bella shows the cognitive function of a potted plant, since she can’t manage to connect “people horribly killed” and “KILLER VAMPIRES who admit to killing humans.”

 
The New Moon outtakes I posted explain some of the bigger renovations that I had to make.

Welcome back, booze. I missed you.

Book three was much easier in a multitude of ways.

Yay, more love triangle bullshit in a sea of pointlessness.

 
I learned a lot through the New Moon experience, and I grew as a writer.

“I learned that you can write a book with even LESS plot than Twilight! I r geneeeus!”

 
I’m writing book four at this moment in time, and let me tell you, Forks is a very exciting place to be these days.

And I think we all know where that ended up: a clusterfuck of disappointment, pedophilia, and jaw-dropping astonishment at just how bad things got. Seriously, even the die-hard fans didn’t believe the story summaries until the book actually came out, because it sounded like bad fanfiction. It took them DAYS to start making excuses.

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