The Eye of Argon Chapter 5

“Up to the altar and be done with it wench;” ordered a fidgeting shaman

“I have a noon appointment with my manicurist during a teleconference with my stock advisor, and GOD HELP YOU if I’m late! Now get on the altar, because I don’t have all day!”

 
as he gave the female a grim stare accompanied by the wrinkling of his lips to a mirthful grin of delight.

So he… has a case of bipolar face, huh? His eyes are just doing their own thing, unconnected to the rest of his face?

The girl burst into a slow steady whimper,

Yeah, that sounds really appealing. Nothing like a droning whine from your damsel in distress.

 
stooping shakily to her knees

So… she’s kneeling? Why doesn’t he just say “kneeling”?

 
and cringing woefully from the priest with both arms wound snake-like around the bulging jade jade shin rising before her scantily attired figure.

  1. … a BULGING shin? So, is he really muscular or something? Or did the sculptor really suck?
  2. And of course the sacrificial victim is wearing a skimpy outfit. What else WOULD the sacrificial victim wear? How could men get their jollies without imagining an attractive woman being tied up and manhandled while her boobs are hanging out?
  3. Theis makes it sound like the jade shin is just popping out of the ground, and the girl grabbed onto it.
  4. Her arms are like snakes? So, they don’t have any joints or anything.
  5. Waaaaaiiitttt… this isn’t the girl with the orchid hair, blue ovals and opaque nose, is it?
  6. It is, isn’t it?

 
Her face was redly inflamed from the salty flow of tears spouting from her glassy dilated eyeballs.

So her face is swollen, she has glassy eyes and there are tears SPOUTING out of her eyes. While wearing a skimpy sexy dress. This is a weird book, and Jim Theis had some weird fetishes as a teen.

 
With short, heavy footfals the priest approached the female, his piercing stare never wavering from her quivering young countenance.

  1. Yes, I’m sure that’s why he told her to not put a bra on her quivering young countenance.
  2. A priest and a shaman are not the same fucking thing! Get it straight!
  3. How do you have “short” footfalls? A footfall is when your foot hits the floor and makes a sound. You can’t have it be long or short unless you drag your feet across the floor. I think he meant STEPS, but since that’s not what he said.

Halting before the terrified girl he projected his arm outward

And started playing the movie marathon! Also, commas are for heathens!

 
and motioned her to arise with an upward movement of his hand.

“Get up so we can sacrifice you! Hurry up! Come on, quit dragging your feet – we’ve got six more sacrifices to do before we can go home!”

 
the girl’s whimpering increased slightly and she sunk closer to the floor rather than arising.

So, apparently she’s not tied to this statue’s base, and since these Priests Of Generic Evil expect her to get up. So… why isn’t she running away? Seriously, get up and run away, especially since it’s shown that these priests are pretty pathetic specimens. I mean, why is she just lying there whining pathetically and not moving?!

The flickering torches outlined her trim build

Of course they do. In a story like this, why else would they be there?

 
with a weird ornate glow

or·nate/ôrˈnāt/Adjective
1. Made in an intricate shape or decorated with complex patterns.

HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE AN INTRICATELY-SHAPED/PATTERNED GLOW?

 
as it cast a ghostly shadow dancing in horrid waves of splendor

I just… I… don’t know what this means.

  1. How do you have a “ghostly” shadow? Des it look like a ghost? Does it have a sheet over it? Does it go “Ebenezer SCROOOOOOOOOGE”?!
  2. Dancing in… wait, why is the shadow dancing? Wavering would make sense, but DANCING?
  3. In…. what do “horrid waves” look like?
  4. 4. And to make matters worse, they are horrid waves of SPLENDOR. Horrid waves of beautiful and opulent appearance! It’s like Theis was selecting totally random words and stringing them together without having to actually make SENSE!
  5. START MAKING SENSE! I COMMAND YOU TO START MAKING FUCKING SENSE!

 
over smoothly worn whiteness of the marble hewn altar.

For the last time, I do not care about the furniture! We had a whole chapter on the altar and the wardrobe not long ago!

 
The shaman’s lips curled back farther,

So… his lips were already curled? I thought he was smiling.

 
exposing a set of blackened, decaying molars

Uhhhhhh… how far IS he curling his lips? Because when you curl your lips, you usually expose your FRONT teeth like incisors and eye teeth. Molars are waaaaaayyyy in the back. Does this guy have a mouth like Julia Roberts?

which transformed his slovenly grin into a wide greasy arc of sadistic mirth

And even worse, BAD DENTISTRY! Bad dentistry of EEEEEEVVVIIILLLL…

 
and alternately interposed into the female a strong sensation of stomach curdling nausea.

Okay, girls and boys, it’s Dictionary Damnation Time!

in·ter·pose/ˌintərˈpōz/Verb1. Place or insert between one thing and another.

So his teeth are inserting stomach-curdling nausea BETWEEN INTO the girl? This is like a word paradox! Reality is collapsing even as we speak!

Also, alternately… what? Doesn’t “alternately” mean that at least two things are being experienced one after the other, not just one?! There are non-English-speaking babies from other countries who understand English better than this guy!

“Have it as you will female;”

Last time I checked, “female” was not a verb. Not that the sentence would make sense if it were. COMMAS ARE FOR HEATHENS!

Also, what is that semicolon doing there? Take mercy on the poor thing!

 
gloated the enhanced priest

… enhanced? How? Does he have breast implants? Is he a cyborg? Was he genetically engineered? What?!

 
as he bent over at the waist projecting his ape-like arms forward,

And moving them in a circle, before doing six push-ups and ten pull-ups. Work those muscles! Feel the burn!

 
and clasped the female’s slender arms with his hairy round fists.

Using open hands might help, because it’s hard to clasp… ANYTHING with your fists.

 
With an inward surge of of his biceps

Feel the burn! Feel the burn! Now do two more reps, and we’ll move on to triceps exercises!

 
he harshly jerked the trembling girl to her feet

… because apparently running away is out of the question. No, she’s a damsel and needs to be rescued by the big strong meathead of a MAN.

and smothered her salty wet cheeks with the moldy touch of his decrepid, dull red lips.

Well… that was random. I mean, does he kiss all the people they sacrifice even if they’ve totally pissed him off? Is this some sort of weird fetish he has? Is he craving salt?

 
The vile stench of the Shaman’s hot fetid breath

… vanished as soon as he popped some Altoids in his mouth and announced, “They’re curiously strong!”

 
over came the nauseated female with a deep soul searing sickness,

Usually when someone with bad breath starts slurping on your face, your soul isn’t the thing that’s getting sick. Usually it’s the stomach.

 
causing her to wrench her head backwards and regurgitate a slimy, orange- white stream

Yes, thank you for giving us the details of how she pukes. I really wanted… nay, NEEDED to know the exact color and texture of her vomit.

 
of swelling gore

Wait… what? That wasn’t GORE, that was vomit. People don’t puke up “gore” which is basically blood and gruesome little bits of flesh… and it’s definitely not orange-white.

Okay, I’m going to drop the subject before I barf on my keyboard.

 
over the richly woven purple robe of the enthused acolyte.

“I just LOVE it when people puke all over me! Nothing makes me happier!”

 
The priest’s lips trembled with a malicious rage as he removed his callous paws from the girl’s arms and replaced them with tightly around her undulating neck, shaking her violently to and fro.

  1. Uh…. does he mean his “insensitive” paws or his “callousED” paws? Because I honestly can’t tell.
  2. Replaced them with tightly?
  3. Add undulating throats and snake arms to the long list of physically impossible body parts in this book.
  4. How does a neck undulate?
  5. Do any of these women have bones?

 
The girl gasped a tortured groan

Is it a gasp or a groan? MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

 
from her clamped lungs,

I don’t think that her lungs work like that. Unless her lungs have CLAMPS on them. No wonder she can’t breathe.

 
her sea blue eyes bulging forth from damp sockets.

Dear Lord, now we know what happened to Marty Feldman! He had a sex change and ended up in a crappy fantasy novella!

Cocking her right foot backwards, she leashed it desperately outwards with the strength of a demon possessed,

…. uh, I’m not quite sure how a demon can be possessed. Wouldn’t a demon be doing the possessing? And wouldn’t that be MUCH more interesting than whatever she’s doing?

 
lodging her sandled foot squarely between the shaman’s testicles.

snicker

What is it about bad, cheesy fantasy and people getting kicked in the crotch? Okay, this scene isn’t QUITE as silly as the Eragon one where an epic, dignified tale of good versus evil (or rather, bumbling douchebags versus competent Designated Villains) ends with one person kicking another in the “fork of the legs.”

Whining Damsel kicking Evil Priest just came outta nowhere. But it is pretty ridiculous. At least it’s in keeping with the rest of the story, and the silliness isn’t over yet!

 
The startled priest released his crushing grip,

… on nothing at all because he kept grabbing things with clenched fists!

 
crimping his body over at the waist overlooking his recessed belly; wide open in a deep chasim.

I… honestly don’t know what he’s saying here.

1. crimp 1 (krmp)
tr.v. crimped, crimp·ing, crimps
    1. To press or pinch into small regular folds or ridges: crimp a pie crust.

I would love to see him do that with his body.

  1. How does your waist OVERLOOK your belly? They tend to be in the same place, unless this guy is wearing an Empire-waist dress.
  2. And… WHAT is wide open?
  3. What is a chasim? It sounds like a piece of Middle-Eastern underwear.
  4. And if he means “chasm”…. no part of your body should be compared to a chasm. That just… is never good.

 
His face flushed to a rose red shade of crimson,

Because nothing says crushed-crotch pain like FLOWERS! Pretty pretty flowers… and pain!

 
eyelids fluttering wide with eyeballs protruding blindly outwards from their sockets to their outmost perimeters,

Ewwwwwwww.

while his lips quivered wildly about 

Yes, they bounced around the room, quivering wherever they went.

 
allowing an agonized wallow to gust forth as his breath billowed from burning lungs.

  1. So an agonized…. roll in mud?
  2. I love how nobody in this book ever just does the basics. He can’t exhale, his breath has to BILLOW!
  3. Why are his lungs burning? She kicked him in the CROTCH. Are his lungs down in his crotch?

 
His hands reached out clutching his urinary gland

Ewwwwwww. Does he mean the bladder? Because that’s a little hard to grab.

 
as his knees wobbled rapidly about

Are his knees made of Jello? How do your knees “wobble about”?!

 
for a few seconds then buckled, causing the ruptured shaman to collapse

Wow, she really led him have it in the nads, didn’t she? I mean, apparently he’s “ruptured” now, although I don’t want to think about what she did actually rupture.

 
in an egg huddled mass to the granite pavement, rolling helplessly about in his agony.

… what is an egg huddled mass? I mean, it made sense except for that first word. Does he look like an egg because somebody tried to chisel the family jewels?

 
The pathetic screeches of the shaman groveling in dejected misery

“Somebody kill that bitch! She turned this whole chapter into me getting kicked in the balls! Nothing’s going to happen in this chapter except that!”

Seriously, how long is Theis going to milk this crotch-kicking drama? She can’t have kicked him THAT hard. The only thing in this book that has lasted longer has been Greg whining about being imprisoned.

 
upon the hand hewn granite laid pavement, worn smooth by countless hours of arduous sweat and toil,

I do not care about the pavement! Not only were we told ONE SENTENCE AGO that it was granite, but we already got an entire chapter devoted to the crappy costumes and furniture in this room, and to date NOTHING has happened except some guy got a footprint on his penis.

a welter of ichor oozing through his clenched hands,

Well, since ichor is a discharge from an ulcer, I’m assuming that he had some nasty STDs to begin with. This also raises the question: did this guy fling up his robe so he could grab his penis?

… I now need bleach to erase that from my memory. Excuse me.

 
attracted the purturbed attention of his comrades from their foetid ulations.

“What the hell is he doing over there? He’s been screaming and grabbing his willy for like ten minutes.”
“I guess he REALLY likes that girl.”
“Shut up. We have to continue making high wailing noises for no reason, as if we haven’t noticed any of this crap.”
“How do you have smelly ululations anyway?”

 
The actions of this this rebellious wench bespoke the creedence of an unheard of sacrilige.

  1. Yes, apparently it is sacrilegious to kick someone in the Little Evil Priest Of Evil.
  2. The Creedence… Clearwater Rebellion?
  3. So her actions… spoke of… the mental acceptance… of a sacrilege…. that nobody has heard of…. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!

 
Never before in a lost maze of untold eons

So it’s a maze… that’s lost… of… time periods. That actually would sound pretty awesome, if it made sense. As it is, it sounds like Christopher Paolini tried to write while feverish. And drunk.

 
had a chosen one dared to demonstrate such blasphemy in the face of the cult’s idolic diety.

“You should be GRATEFUL that we’re feeding you lettuce according to our Diety. If you don’t stop demonstrating blasphemy, we will feed you RICE CAKES.”

The girl cowered in unreasoning terror, helpless in the face of the emblazoned acolytes’ rage;

Emblazoned:
    Conspicuously inscribe or display (a design) on something
Depict (a heraldic device)

    Celebrate or extol publicly

None of those make any sense in context.

 
her orchid tusseled face smothered betwixt her bulging bosom

…. I’m 99.99% speechless.

  1. Orchids again! Now they’re on the face! First hair, now face! Did Theis have some kind of weird fetish for phallic flowers?
  2. … tusseled? As in, her face is fighting orchids?
  3. And she’s somehow squashing her face into her tits? How is this possible? Unless her breasts are like giant sacks of Jello that are also somehow aiming up in defiance of gravity, it shouldn’t be possible to “smother” her own face in her boobs.
  4. Bulging bosoms. Breasts don’t tend to bulge unless they’re crammed into something too small.
  5. And then… wait, she’s BETWEEN her bosom? Singular bosom? Does she just have one boob? And if so, how does she get her face between just one?

 
as she shut her curled lashed tightly hoping to open them and find herself awakening from a morbid nightmare.

ENGLISH! WRITE IN FUCKING ENGLISH!

  1. She shut her curled lashed? ADJECTIVES NEED A NOUN!
  2. Even assuming that he meant “lashes,” how do you shut your lashes? You shut your eyes, unless you have tentacle lashes!
  3. Commas are for wimps!
  4. So she was hoping to open her lashed?

 
yet the hand of destiny decreed her no such mercy,

Capitalization is for wimps too!

the antagonized pack of leering shaman converging tensely

How can you have a pack of “shaman”? That’s like saying a herd of cow, or a flock of bird.

 
upon her prostrate form were entangled all too lividly in the grim web of reality.

  1. WHY IS SHE PROSTRATE? She’s apparently not tied, hobbled or even shackled, meaning she can run for it anytime she wants. Yet somehow she just lies there whining and occasionally kicking guys in the nads.
  2. Web of reality? Look, metaphors have to make SOME sense.
  3. “Livid” means furiously angry or red-colored.

I could use this every time Theis misuses a word, but I’ll keep it down to two per chapter.

 
Shuddering from the clamy touch of the shaman as they grappled with her supple form

Plurals: Theis fails at them.

Also, they’re grappling with someone who isn’t fighting… so it’s not grappling!

 
hands wrenching at her slender arms and legs in all directions

“You WILL do the hula!”

 
her bare body being molested

Great. Add gratuitous rape to the long list of things about this book that sucks. I’d rant about it, but I’m tired right now. And this book sucks so much that I find it hard to build myself up into a feminist rage.

in the midst of a labyrnth of orange smudges, purpled satin, and mangled skulls, shadowed in an eerie crimson glow;

…. I think he means that the various priests look like a “labyrnth” (whatever that is) when they’re all clustered together. As in, several people look like a maze. Makes sense. But that doesn’t explain why there are mangled skulls on them, unless Skeletor has joined a cult.

And people don’t tend to look like “smudges.

 
her confused head reeled then clouded in a mist of enshrouding ebony

“Well, the chapter needs to end, so I’ll just pass out now kthanxbye.”

 
as she lapsed beneath the protective sheet of unconsiousness to a land peach and resign.

Unconsciousness sure doesn’t seem to be protecting her now.

And…. “a land peach and resign”? So having raped the dictionary all throughout the story, now Theis stringing together random words. I honestly can’t even GUESS what “land peach” is supposed to mean.

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