The First Death 1 Part 2

Where was I? Oh yeah, the “quiet” room.

For someone who pretends to be an expert in everything, Anita’s pretty ignorant. I’ve never been to a strip club in my life and I know that their routines can be pretty taxing – people use those dances as WORKOUTS. Apparently LKH thinks that strippers just stand there (dressed like a centurion) and have people fling money at them.

Oh yeah, and Jean-Claude offers Anita a lap-dance from completely out of the blue. She’s asking him a legit question, and suddenly he’s all “Did you want a lap dance?” Yeah, he’s a real professional. I’m sure things get interesting fast when he’s meeting with insurance agents and asks if they want to talk about it in bed. Seriously, the POLICE are investigating him right now, so why isn’t he even pretending to treat them with respect?

Anita spends a whole panel saying “No” and menacing him with her face tentacle, and then HOLY SHIT what happened to Jean-Claude’s face?!

Seriously, what the hell is with that? Suddenly the guy’s got no bottom lip, his hair is clinging to his scalp like seaweed, and his face has this freaky mutated bone structure that apparently has eradicated all normal cheekbones. Plus, the “creepy peeping tom” expression is not sexy at all.

And since Anita/LKH loves having a creepy Pepe Le Pew vampire drooling on her, Dolph doesn’t tell him to quit being a douchebag and sexually harassing a consultant for the police. He just starts asking questions… apparently unaware that the building is turning into an Escher print behind him.

I mean, what IS that thing behind him? It looks a little like a light fixture, except it’s in the wrong place. Is this stupid strip club melting, or did it have really shitty builders and contractors?!

We waste another panel on this comic pointless dialogue about words, and JC gives the total non-answer, “Women, they have their moods.” I know what mood I’M in after reading this shit. And for some reason, Anita spends the whole sexual-harassment portion sitting FACING Jean-Claude… and once Jean-Claude starts FINALLY being even slightly professional, she turns away and pouts with her arms crossed. Awww, did the big bad vampire slayer want the Eurotrash vampire to paw her some more?

  1. What is Dolph doing? He looks like he’s sketching this enchanting scene.
  2. What the hell is up with Jean-Claude’s thighs? They look almost as big as both of Anita’s put together.
  3. And for that matter, is he even sitting down? It looks like he is, but his butt doesn’t seem to be resting on anything? And what is his right leg doing?
  4. And the dimensions of that couch are definitely off – it’s big enough to be a day bed, but it seems to have these upright cushions just floating in random places.

I think we all know Anita doesn’t do subtle. Of course, the cops don’t either – contrary to what she seems to think, law enforcement people don’t exactly dance politely around issues. Fortunately, she’s too ineffectual to NEED to be subtle.

This is a pretty typical display of Anita Blake’s detecting style: she just randomly zooms from suspect to suspect, and goes apeshit on anyone SHE thinks is guilty, evidence be damned. Alibi? Evidence? Motive? Pfaugh! Anita Blake needs not these things!

Seriously, this is really shitty detective work. Okay, Pepe has an alibi that pretty much rules him out as a suspect, unless he’s got a twin brother hiding in the basement (and no, I wouldn’t put the twin thing past LKH). Anita deems his alibi “convenient”… despite the fact that there’s an actual REASON why Pepe was working while the Evil Killer Vampire was also at work – THEY’RE VAMPIRES. According to LKH’s canon, these people can’t even MOVE during the day, so obviously a vampire-run business would be run… at night. Same with serial killings by a vampire. It’s not convenient, it’s LOGICAL. And if you’re running a super-popular strip club, of COURSE you’re gonna spend your work hours there!

The funny thing is that LKH once sniped at Jim Butcher by talking about how wizards were good at the magic but not the detective work. Anita’s so shitty at this stuff that she couldn’t find herpes.

  1. So apparently if you’re playing poker with your friends or at the office Christmas party, you don’t have an alibi. How fair.
  2. So they wouldn’t know where he was. Still wouldn’t mean his alibi is bust, because he’d need enough time to dash out and commit the crime WITHOUT BEING SEEN. Also, in this current day of SECURITY CAMERAS, you’d expect that there would be a few around there that MIGHT have noticed the boss.
  3. What the hell is going on with Pepe’s fingers here. It looks like he’s touching his own lips, but his fingers are facing outward and he’s apparently bending them back!
  4. No, he did NOT say that. It’s news to us! And LKH doesn’t even have the excuse that this is a shitty adaptation of a book, because this is a comic-only story. So that means LKH included Jean-Claude acting like a skirt-flipper INSTEAD of having him say basic important information that is relevant to the plot!

And then… it all ends. That entire pointless scene – which was supposed to be a routine investigation into one of the possible suspects, ends just like that. We just wasted SIX AND A HALF PAGES on what should have been maybe ONE page, and most of it involved Pepe posing and cooing.

In fact, even LKH’s Sue calls the author out on this:

Here’s the thing, LKH: you don’t get to chronicle “wastes of time” in comic books, because they have a set format and length. Unlike in your crappy novels, you do not get to ramble on forever and include scenes that contribute nothing to do the plot. I know LKH included this scene to introduce Pepe to Anita, but couldn’t she have him do something OTHER than be a red herring? Couldn’t he have TOLD HER interesting facts that led to the murderer, thus justifying his miserable existence?!

So did Anita actually contribute anything? Not really. Dolph apparently snuck out and did cop work while Anita wasn’t watching… and while we weren’t watching either. Yeah, it’s much more important to see Pepe drooling about lap-dancing than to find out HUUUUUUUUGEEEE IMPORTANT CLUES.

Anita actually breaks into a smile for a moment, pleased that they found a clue. And while they’re busy getting into a car that is WAY too low for Dolph’s Hulk body.

Great. Our heroine cares more about playing detective than in SAVING CHILDREN. I mean, what could be more admirable than that? I now want to beat her to death with a splintered bat.

And to reinforce that Anita doesn’t give a crap about children dying, the next day another boy is killed. At least… I think he’s supposed to be a boy.

Maybe I’m not looking at the right character, but that kid doesn’t look like a boy. He doesn’t even look like a kid. He looks at least as tall as all the adults around there, he’s got a very womanly butt, and waist-length blonde curls. I know LKH makes a living by writing about girl-butted men with flowing hair, but this is ridiculous.

Also, can someone explain to me why there are ninjas at the crime scene? I know ninjas are cool, but I don’t expect to see them in forensics work. (Comic books have the weirdest shit when you look up close).

Dolph tells her the corpse’s name, and Anita starts being pretentiously wangsty again. Somehow knowing the name made it worse. What was lying in that alley didn’t need a name anymore. It was just dead. There wasn’t enough left of this one to be anything. Anita strikes me as one of those charming, sensitive people who likes to decide shit like this for the rest of the human race. You’re still grieving over your dog? Get over it! Anita has decided that you should!

It’s also really stupid. So apparently dead bodies don’t need to be referred to by names, oh dumb bint? Funny how that doesn’t apply to Anita’s sainted mommy that she still wanks on about for sympathy, just to random kids in the street she never met before. And what the hell does she mean, There wasn’t enough left of this one to be anything? At least 90% of the kid’s body is still there and intact. It’s not like he was fed through a fucking meat grinder. But of course, Anita has to make Deep And Dramatic Remarks to show that she’s SUPER EXPERIENCED.

Here’s an interesting question: why the hell hasn’t the public been informed about this? You’d think that with a pretty-boy-killing vampire on the loose, people would be keeping their prepubescent boys anchored to their sides at all times. Instead they apparently let the kids wander all over the place. Does this mean the police aren’t TELLING anyone about the serial killings?!

Then some blond woman comes hurtling over, screaming the dead boy’s name. She also apparently busts through a line of police tape, but none of the cops seem to care much. They just sort of stand there looking confused or mildly perturbed, and don’t really try to stop her. So it’s up to Anita to be a know-it-all jackass.

… and why not? The cops would call her in anyway to conclusively check his ID. Just a wallet wouldn’t be enough for a positive I.D.; for all they know, this was Brian’s best buddy who found the wallet and was bringing it to him. His best girl buddy. Because that still doesn’t look like a boy. Won’t they start to suspect that this isn’t Brian when they notice the giant breasts?

I suppose this is LKH’s attempt to make it look like Anita cares. Actually, it just makes her look like a domineering asshole who is trying to force people along with whatever SHE thinks is good for them. I mean, she’s surrounded by homicide cops who have seen this stuff before and presumably dealt with grieving relatives, but she thinks that HER WAY is better than theirs because… well, no reason. And for that matter, if she DOESN’T see him she won’t even know if it’s really him!

And being a caring and sensitive soul, Anita shows what an awesome person she is… by kung-fuing a grieving mother to the ground. Yes, Anita starts wrestling and pinning down some poor woman because SHE has decided, as Expert On Everything Ever, that grieving mothers shouldn’t get to see their dead kids. Our “heroine,” ladies and gentlemen.

How about Anita lets the woman decide for herself, rather than trying to decide FOR HER and then enforcing it via a PHYSICAL ATTACK?

I like this woman, even if she apparently has no eyes. If I had a child and it was murdered, I would totally beat down any pretentious know-it-all hobags who started telling me what I did and didn’t want, and tried to keep me away from said child because he’s dead. Just what the hell does she think funeral arrangements involve, a wax dummy?

What’s next, she’s going to start beating up some little kid whose father was killed? That would be truly heroic!

And now she’s flinging the poor woman to the ground and kneeing her in the stomach. Why is our allegedly kickass heroine doing this? Because the poor woman wants to see her dead son, and Anita has decided that this is a bad idea and she’s going to enforce it by physically assaulting the mother. It really shows how divorced LKH is from reality that she thinks this will make Anita seem kind and giving, instead of seeming like an autocratic megabitch who beats up innocent people for no reason. “I am going to help you out the way I want, and IF YOU DON’T ACCEPT IT I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS!”

Also, this fight scene shows that LKH apparently doesn’t understand sequential art. None of these pictures seem connected to each other!

And to further reinforce that Anita is So Kind And Giving, she sits there hugging the grieving mother, presumably ready to bash her over the head with a steel pipe if she tries to see her son again. I held Brian Dickinson’s mother and was glad. Because I got to beat up someone weaker than me! Aren’t I awesome?! Glad that I’d kept her from seeing what that monster had done to her son. Or rather, delayed it by a few minutes since the cops will ask her to identify the body, and then she’ll have to arrange for the funeral stuff. Brilliant. I had to see it, but she didn’t. No, she doesn’t HAVE to, but she certainly has the right to…. which this crazy violent bitch just interfered with.

In conclusion: in this woman’s place, I’d have Anita’s ass thrown in jail. She assaulted this woman out of the blue for no reason, while surrounded by cops. For that matter, where are the cops? Shouldn’t they be trying to peel Anita’s crazybitch self off this poor woman?

Anita monologues for another half a page about how she has to keep helping Dolph find the Evil Vampire, and how she’ll blame herself if any more kids die. Of course, she’s contributed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in this investigation, so I’m not sure why she thinks it’ll fail without her.

Add it to the list of things that make no fucking sense in this series. We’re never told WHY Anita became a vampire executioner. We’re never told WHY she wants to be one. And we’re never told WHY they would give out this kind of legal power to short bitchy violent civilian women with no formal training rather than… oh, I dunno, the POLICE or the FBI or any person who actually makes realistic sense. It’s not a highly specialized skill, so I don’t see why all the cops wouldn’t have the right.

Vampire executions: so easy, Anita Blake can do it!

  1. What is that circle they’re sitting in?
  2. Why is there a puddle splattered directly under their legs?! Did somebody wet themselves? Get Anita a diaper!
  3. Why is this woman hugging Anita instead of beating her pasty ass to the ground?
  4. When last we saw these two, Anita was pinning this woman down and screaming in her face. How does being pinned down turn into kneeling upright?
  5. Oh look, Anita’s crying which means she CARES SO. Nope, false alarm – she’s just got a double eye infection that’s oozing pus.
  6. Besides, what about “I’m so awesome that this case will fail without me! Plus I beat up housewives!” would make her cry?
  7. I desperately want to pit Izumi Curtis against Anita. There’s a housewife that wouldn’t take Anita’s shit.

Since Anita is apparently finished beating up grieving relatives for the day, she saunters over to police HQ so she can be totally ineffectual there instead of beating up innocent women. She sits in the corner of the room while Dolph is interrogating some vampire guy… who, incidentally, they learned about, found, apprehended and dragged to HQ WITHOUT ANITA’S INVOLVEMENT. In fact, I seem to recall at least two characters singing Anita’s praises by announcing that she’s the only vampire hunter who hunts the vampires, and doesn’t expect the police to “gift wrap them.” So when an evil vampire is apprehended, who does it? The police of course! Marvel at Anita’s prowess!

In case you’re wondering, we are only about ten pages away from the end of this comic book, and Anita has done JACK SHIT. All she’s done is walk around and talk, and occasionally assault innocent bystanders. But I guess it doesn’t sound as impressive to call her “Anita Blake: Housewife Beater.”

Anyway, the cops have captured this dude:

Yeah, I’m not exactly quaking with fear either. He looks like what you’d get if Luke Skywalker became the new crazy desert hermit. Or maybe an aging surfer.

Anyway, LKH manages get through three whole panels before making it ALLLLLLLL about Anita, who is inexplicably sitting in the actual room rather than on the other-side of a one-way-glass window. Presumably that’s because if she were, the vampire couldn’t randomly start demanding, “Who is she? What is she?” Uh, she’s a bad Lara Croft knockoff, and a huge bitch.

So instead of telling him to shut the hell up, Dolph asks Anita to come closer so the guy can see her. And the vampire freaks out completely, screaming,

I know I’ve griped about this before, but it’s really ridiculous to write a comic book about a person at the beginning of this career and have them be the biggest, baddest and most feared since EVER. It’s like if someone wrote a Star Trek prequel in which Captain Kirk is a noob ensign who’s never actually done ANYTHING much, but is instantly the most famous Starfleet officer EVER and is feared by all Klingons merely for existing.

The whole concept of this comic is to show Anita at the very beginning of her career before she became so famed. But instead we’re just getting the same, “Gasp! The Executioner? I’m terrified! Look at my scared face! The Executioner scares me! How come we call her the Executioner if she’s only a year out of college?” drivel. It’s like LKH can’t force herself to have Anita not be the center of the supernatural universe, and can’t even bear for her not to be known by her nickname, aka “The Slayer.” Erm, I meant “The Executioner.” Yeah, doesn’t have quite the same ring to it, does it?

Especially dumb: there ARE other vampire executioners. Yet somehow the chick who’s been doing this for ONE YEAR as a SIDE-JOB is the most frightening EVER.

So the vampire surfer starts yelling, “SHE MURDERS VAMPIRES! SHE’S THE EXECUTIONER!” which is basically another ego-stroke for Anita. And Anita wastes another panel mulling over how old said vampire is, and even digging into his brain to find out his approximate age. Because obviously this is essential for the plot.

And the naughty vampire’s reaction to another Anita monologue?

Yeah, that sums up my reaction as well.

Oh, and both EvilVamp’s eyes and Anita’s cross are glowing. We’re not told why. Apparently this is significant. And EvilVamp then lunges over and has a “kiss me you fool” moment with one of the cops.


From the set of “Hot Sweaty Police Station 4: Make Me Your Prisoner”

And then the cop goes from gawping into the prisoner’s face to pointing a gun at Dolph. Between two panels. And suddenly the vampire is loose. No explanation is given for all of this — it’s like a half-page was snipped out with no warning, and suddenly people are doing totally different stuff. I mean, the next panel could have Dolph wearing a fruit hat while the vampire and the two cops sing “Kumbayah” and hold hands.

“I don’t wanna shoot you, Barnes! Which is why I’m pointing my gun at the ceiling while that guy over there gawks in shock.” And these guys are still better than our alleged heroine.

Oh, and what is Anita doing while a vampire is running wild, causing mayhem, and is on the verge of actually killing some cops before escaping? Ooo, I’m sure she’s preparing to take down the vampire with her amazing martial arts skills! Or perhaps she’s going to outthink him and prevent him from getting away! Perhaps she’ll use her magical powers over the undead to break his hold over the cop!


Fear the deadly badassery of the Executioner!

… never mind, she’s gonna cower behind Dolph again.

Then…. something happens. I honestly don’t know what it is, because I’m not sure what IS happening. I mean, what’s going on here?


We hates it, my t! We hates it forever!

I mean, what’s going on here? I think Anita’s cross is suppose to be paining the vampire, but she’s not really any closer to the guy than she was a couple panels ago, yet somehow her glowy radioactive cross is a problem NOW because she’s putting her hand on it?

Cop in background: “Oh, I feel one of my heads coming on.”

Also, what is the vampire doing? From the motion lines it looks like he’s sliding sideways! Did he step on an icy patch, or is he doing his ballet practice, or what? And why is he suddenly channeling Gollum after being fairly normal up until now? Why is he hissing, precious? We hates it, precious! Gollum, gollum!

Anyway, the glowy radioactive Cross O’ Doom doesn’t pain him TOO much, because then he leaps AT Anita for no particular reason.

Okay, some points:

  1. What’s the point of a radioactive cross if it doesn’t even repel them enough to keep them away from your actual body?
  2. What’s the point of having a cross at all if a vampire can knock it off so easily?
  3. How the hell did Anita stay alive this long if a small-fry vampire can disarm her so easily?
  4. Why are they choking that poor man in the background?
  5. Later in the series, Anita would be welcoming that vampire with open legs, especially since he hasn’t got the dreaded SHORT HAIR.
  6. Art fail: I had to drastically expand this picture to see that that thing trailing from the vampire’s hand was actually the cross and chain. Before I blew it up, it looked like he was trailing a splash of water.

So he snarls in her face for a few panels while… nobody does anything to help. You’d think that a superpowered vampire could have ripped off her face in an instant but he seems more interested in going “Look at my fangs! Look at my fangs!” And then… there’s another panel where I can’t tell what the hell is going on.

…. yeah, I’m not sure what’s happening here. Suddenly her little cross bracelet glows, which… causes blood to spurt out of the guy’s eye and his cheekbone starts melting. Is she punching him? Are bracelets somehow more powerful than pendants? Or is Anita supposed to be so awesome that her mere presence makes vampires melt like a wet green-faced witch? Seriously, what the hell is going on here?

Let it be known that we have exactly eight more pages to go, and the only proactive thing Anita has done is stick her bracelet at somebody. Yeah, I can see why this is called Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter. What with all the ass-kicking and vampire hunting and all.

Another note: How come the police aren’t coated in radioactive crosses? Why is Anita the only one wearing any? Why is this whole imaginary world so stupid?

So then we spend an entire page with Dolph pointing a cross at the vampire, whose eye has been injured. A WHOLE PAGE in which we just get pictures of Dolph pointing his gun at the guy without moving. Basically it’s THIS…

… but from multiple angles. Also, note how the hypnotized cop has vanished without a trace.

The funniest thing about this whole page? The apparent assumption that if Anita had her gun, she magically would start making a difference instead of being… I dunno, DEADWEIGHT?

So… you only get to shoot dangerous murderous criminals if you’re NOT a cop? On what planet does THIS happen?

Also, she CAN’T shoot him unless she makes a finger-gun and goes “bang.” THEY TOOK AWAY HER GUN. They said that on the same page!

So then we get ANOTHER page of nothing really happening except talking. The EvilVamp starts mewling that he hasn’t done anything to get a warrant of execution unleashed on him, and Anita starts sniffing that, “I have a court order of execution for any and all vampires and their servants, or any human that is in league with the said vampires. Which means I can kill your ass right now. And it’s legal.” No, please! Kill my arm, or my foot! But not my ass!

Seriously, this is a really stupid idea. The whole “order of execution” is pretty obviously intended to give Anita a Bondian license to kill, which doesn’t exist in the United States. The whole idea is that – since LKH doesn’t want to put any restrictions on what Anita does – she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants and however she wants to do it. Consider this the bloody and violent predecessor of “I must spontaneously pull my magic power of the day from my stretched-out vagina!”, okay?

Now, there is such a thing as an executioner’s license to kill, which is why people who flip the switch or give lethal injections are not penalized for murder. But casually handing out a piece of paper that allows the bearer to legally kill anybody they decide to SUSPECT of being connected to the crime (ie, anybody who happens to be standing nearby), and not even have any questions asked? That’s ridiculous. Even if such a thing existed, they would NEVER give it to someone like Anita. She’s a dumb, violent sociopath who doesn’t have enough brains to actually figure out who the bad guys are, so she just uses it to threaten random suspects who MAY or MAY NOT be connected to the crime.

Recall that in the first scene, she threatened another vampire with that exact same order of execution. The guy had no obvious connection to the crime, and she had absolutely no reason to pin the crime on him, but apparently if he refused to allow himself to be taken in for questioning SHE WAS GOING TO KILL HIM. So she apparently solves a crime by killing all the suspects, no matter how minor.

The “order of execution” thing is especially fucking stupid because in this universe, US vampires are now supposed to be legal citizens of the United States. Yet apparently they – and any human associates of theirs – have no legal rights AT ALL if a crazy violent bitch decides that she wants them to be guilty. No trial, no jury of their peers, not even a phone call. Yeah, that seems likely.

So then Anita reinforces her reputation as the good guy by threatening to torture him with her bracelet.

So she’ll cold-bloodedly murder anybody she even SUSPECTS of being a minor minion of the murderer, but she won’t torture them. How comforting.

And Dolph and the other random cop apparently have the same moral code, since the other cop announces, “You almost made my partner shoot me. I don’t care what she does to you.” Yes, I’m deeply indignant about what Keystone Cop #1 almost did to Keystone Cop #2. Also it’s hard to care much since Keystone Cop #1 has vanished without a trace.

And then I’m gonna introduce you to Miss Star of David and Mrs. Pentagram!

Also, it’s so nice that threatening people with torture gives her a thrill. Later on, her sadistic thrills will be clarified as being orgasms dependent on clawing and biting her brainwashed boyfriends.

Yeah, Anita fails miserably at any kind of negotiations. Since she’s announced that he’ll die no matter what he does, what exactly is his motivation to tell her anything?

Anita then starts rambling about how badass she is:

Which is why she’s tried to pin the crime on TWO VAMPIRES so far so she could kill THEM. Also, later in the series it’s revealed that a vampire can be executed for SHOPLIFTING. Kind of takes away from the badassery of her whole self-image doesn’t it?

Oh, and we finally find out where Keystone Cop #1 is – he’s handcuffed on the floor with a dazed expression that just screams, “Uggggghhhh… last thing I remember was Greg saying, ‘I bet you can’t drink this whole bottle of tequila…'”


 

  1. No, she wouldn’t, because other people’s well being doesn’t matter to her. Or the author.
  2. You know you’re in a truly great detective series when the detective doesn’t find the bad guys, and just sits around threatening a minor thug until they spill the beans.

  1. Okay, what the hell happened here? Suddenly between two panels, TWO cops have appeared and two others have vanished. And suddenly everybody else is in totally different positions. Isn’t the whole point of sequential art that it… you know, appears in SEQUENCE?
  2. Where did the hat cops come from, and where did the other two go? We don’t ever get told. Apparently people appear and disappear at random in this comic.
  3. What is that thing on the table?
  4. What is Dolph doing back there, and why is he apparently trying to surprise-buttsex the vampire?
  5. Art fail once more. Dolph’s legs are splaying at weird angles, and the tabletop appears to be tilted while the legs are unevenly spaced – one side has them only about six inches apart, while the other side is about two feet apart. This is like a Picasso table!
  6. Nothing says “I felt sick… crap” like leaning casually against the wall with one leg bent and arms crossed.

Then suddenly Dolph is back in front of the vampire instead of humping the chair, and the vampire now has THREE burns on his face instead of TWO. What the hell?

Anyway, Dolph asks why they stopped burying their victims and started just dumping them all over, and it comes out that he and his buddies killed a bunch of people, but not kids.

We then have a WHOLE PAGE of dialogue with Anita prattling on about how she can’t kill him without a specific order of execution (yeah, because potential murder stopped her before) and she prattles about vampire hypnosis. Dolph replies by rambling about a judge we will never see or hear about again, and how his son was murdered by a vampire.

Three little words, now and forever – I DON’T CARE.

Oh, and a nice little dramatic shot of the mass graves being dug up. Wow. That actually sounds promising, except that it has NO-FUCKING-THING to do with this stupid story. Isn’t there anyone else who can do this job?!

This could actually be a somber and effective scene, but it’s sabotaged by the sucky art. First, the ninjas are back. Also, we’re aparently being infested by twelve-foot-tall nettles and broken dead pine trees. Also there’s a guy who’s looking at the trees, another cop who’s dancing with a trenchcoated man, there’s someone on his cell phone, and a bunch of people who are just sort of wandering randomly in an area with no graves. Also, that’s the shortest car hood I’ve ever seen.

And since the attention might be off Anita and on, y’know, the CORPSES that are being yanked out of the ground, Dolph suddenly starts asking Anita about her expert opinion, snicker snicker.

  1. “I can see your strangely squarish head. Seriously, where do you buy hats for that thing?”
  2. I don’t care what Dolph does with all these people who work with him, okay?
  3. So apparently all vampires work EXACTLY alike and would NEVER bury a body even though that’s the easiest way to go undetected? And all humans will bury the body and not try to disguise it? So stupid.
  4. What was it?” “Humans.” Musical sting! Sounds more dramatic when you don’t realize that… we’ve already been told that they have human servants and human followers. So yeah.

Anita’s smart reply?

… she’s saying this to a FUCKING HOMICIDE COP. A person who INVESTIGATES this sort of shit… which is frequently humans doing crap like this to other humans! I’m not even a super badass vampire-killing sociopath bitch, and yet somehow this sort of thing does not shock me because I READ NEWSPAPERS! I READ NEWSPAPERS! I READ NEWSPAPERS!

Since we haven’t been reminded lately that Anita is sooper-attractive, we have a whole half of a page of Zerbrowski ogling Anita’s ass, Anita being grumpy at him, and Zerbrowski saying unfunny stuff. I want someone to set fire to Zerbrowski, please.

… no, please… not another page of ass-related dialogue…

Yeah, we have official confirmation that Anita is dumb. In case you were wondering, Zerbrowski’s dumb joke was “At least it’s a nice view” while her ass was in front of his face. There’s nothing to GET. The only way it could be less subtle is if Zerbrowski screamed at her, “WHOA, NICE ASS! The one belonging to ANITA BLAKE, that is! She possesses a NICE ASS. Which is below her chest but above her legs. Behind her hips. HER ASS. WHICH IS NICE.”

Seriously, I could ogle a butt like that in front of my hamster, and the hamster would know exactly what is going on! Yet Anita takes like five minutes to figure it out.

Oh, and Zerbrowski is a dick. Openly ogling women when you’re married is dickish behavior, not cute or quirky. His adorably assholish reply, “She’ll believe you, too. She knows I’m a letch.” Yes, because it’s all okay as long as your spouse KNOWS you’re an asshole. And it’s “lech.”

Anyway, the vampire with the mullet is currently napping in their car trunk… which means he’s been in there all freaking day. Did it take dozens of people ALL DAY to dig up some shallow graves?! How long can it take?! Night and day make no sense in this place; they seem to change every half hour!

“Wait, you want to put me in handcuffs? And then you want to do what? Put WHAT WHERE? And then you want to do THAT? NOOOOOOO PLEEEEEEAASSEEEE…”

Sorry, that’s more of a Narcissus in Chains and onward kind of use for handcuffs. That said, why is he looking terrified and defensive of being put in handcuffs? And why is a third of this page devoted to putting him in handcuffs?!

Okay, “kiss” is possibly the goofiest name for a collection of vampires that I can think of. How about a fang? A blooding? A sweep? A dance? A bathtub? ANYTHING BUT FUCKING “KISS!”

And since Zerbrowski and that butt-ugly tie he’s been wearing for two days belong to a special supernatural police unit, shouldn’t he know something as basic as that?!

The vampire keeps whining and mewling that the others will kiss him… I mean kill him if he tattles on them, and Anita tries to be all badass by going, “We’ve had this discussion before. They’re not here. I am.” Yeah, and you’re about as intimidating as a dead sloth, so your point is? She also belatedly realizes that he’s got no motivation to tell her jack-shit, because she’s going to kill him either way. Smooth.

Zerbrowski plays nice cop by saying that he’ll see what he can do to help this vampire, which is Anita’s cue to start wanking about how the only punishment for a bad vampire is DEATH.

… and yet Miss Morals isn’t bothering to disillusion the vampire, is she? Lying is bad, but lying by omission is fine. And then the guy spills all his beans on the table right away, while Anita sneers and heaps all the blame on Zerbrowski.

I hate Anita.

… so the vampire wasn’t real until just this scene? What was he, a hologram? Is this some sort of weird Missouri slang that doesn’t exist elsewhere in the US?

So the vampire’s head sags down, and Anita wins random-comment-of-the-day award by saying, “Sean… don’t go all Dracula on me again.” So… don’t be a master manipulator and possible present-day-self of Vlad Tepes?

Wait a second… Dracula? As in, the title character of the Bram Stoker novel? Uh, please explain to me why, in a world where monsters have ALWAYS existed and everybody ALWAYS knew about them, somebody would write a novel about clueless English people finding out that YIKES vampires exist. Especially since said vampires do not line up with LKH’s depiction of vampires AT ALL (in that Dracula couldn’t care less if the human characters are having sex or not). It would be like somebody writing a novel about the mythical chimpanzee.

  1. And now we’re back to two crosses.
  2. Is there a reason why his eyes glow different colors? Before it was blue, and now it’s green? Are vampire eyes like mood rings?

Then he breaks the handcuffs in half, and Zerbrowski undermines the danger by saying, “Talk to me, Blake.” I guess LKH heard it on a TV show and thought it would be a cool line, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense here.

Also, Anita’s jewelry is glowing BLUE, not GREEN. I don’t get why the change happened. Anita screams for Dolph, gets pinned down by the vampire, and fires her gun through his torso with no effect. It took LITERALLY the entire comic book for Anita to do ANYTHING vaguely kickassy, and it apparently isn’t actually harming the guy.

And finally this comic book ends… or rather, this part ends. The story is only half over OH DEAR LORD HAND ME A GUN BECAUSE I NEED TO BLOW OUT MY BRAINS!

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