Ellen Schreiber

… or yes, there actually is a teen vampire series worse than Twilight

Goth is deep. People who wear “normal” clothes are pathetic, shallow and bigoted. Vampires are just like emo teenagers. Personal depth, independence and intelligence are entirely determined by how much black you wear.

Sadly this series has all the depth of a hamster’s finger bowl, as Ellen Schreiber writes her personal fantasies of being a sullen, whiny teenager who hates everything until she finds Twoo Wuv with a whiny Hot Topic vampire. Lots of teen soap opera antics ensue, only less interesting and way more immature. Also: goth goth goth.

CLARIFICATION: I love goths and their way of life, and I have a touch of the Romantic Goth about me. So if you see me referring to someone as “gawthe,” it basically means that I think they’re a poser.

So put on your black T-shirt from Hot Topic and play your favorite Evanescence songs, because it’s time for…


  • Vampire Kisses – In which the most annoying, pretentious “gawthe” girl in the universe finds true love with the most milquetoast vampire you can even imagine. Yes, this guy is actually lamer and less scary than Edward Cullen.

What To Read Instead of Ellen Schreiber

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