My Immortal Chapter 1

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)

You’re GOFFIK? Wow, I never would have guessed. Glory hallelujah, now I know how to pattern my life from here on!

 
2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven,

I wouldn’t have assumed it, personally. Also, is she saying gay people are “ew” worthy?

 
bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!

Evidently she does not rok, because the spelling in this fic is atrocious. And the irony of saying “u rok” to someone for helping with her spelling is apparently lost.

Then again, the spelling actually becomes WORSE after Raven leaves the scene, to the point that there are words that are actually incomprehensible.

 
Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!

But if you’re in love, why are you depressed?

 
MCR ROX!

If you have the musical taste to not know what that is, she’s talking about My Chemical Romance. Google pictures of them to get a good idea of what kind of band they are.

 
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Is that the rating? Because I think it’s changed to NNNNNNNNCCCCCCCCC——111111111777777777.

 
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way

… well that did it.

One sentence. One sentence in, and already I am in pain. Actually, not even ONE sentence, but maybe one-eighth of the sentence. Especially since we’re pretty clearly dealing with a Mary Sue here, judging just from the NAME. I mean, look at that name! We have a pointless apostrophe, a “Darkness,” and the character’s first name is “Ebony.”

The only way she could be more Suey is if her first name were “Ravyn.” Instead, we have the more conservative “Raven” merely as her FOURTH name.

 
and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name)

So… does that mean she had long ebony black hair when she was born? Because that’s when most people get their names.

 
with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back

So the red tips reach her mid-back?

 
and icy blue eyes like limpid tears

OOWWWWWWW! The purple prose! It burns!

Also, what are “limpid tears”? Limpid usually just means “clear,” so her eyes look like CLEAR tears? OWWWWWWW….

 
and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).

I’ll give the non-goffs of the world a hint: Amy Lee is the lead singer of Evanescence, the band that produced the song that this fic is named after.

Cuz she’s GOFFIK, geddit?

 
I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.

Because if you were related to him, he would totally want to bone you. Incest is fun!

 
I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.

I was unaware that vampires were known for their dirty crooked teeth. In fact, I haven’t seen any fictional vampires who DON’T have straight white teeth.

 
I have pale white skin.

Unlike the people who have pale DARK skin, or dark white skin.


“So I’m supposed to be black, but also sparkly white? I’m so confused!”

I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).

I’ll freely admit that I actually don’t know a lot about the Harry Potterverse. I’ve read most of the books, but I’ll admit it was a long time ago. However, I don’t remember any vampires attending Hogwarts.

 
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black.

Because no self-respecting goth wears anything but black, EVER.

 
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.

Well, naturally. Where would a giant throbbing abyss of pretentiousness shop other than Hot Topic, the “edgy” store for suburban white kids who want to piss off their parents but not wear anything that isn’t corporate sponsored and mainstream?

Also, I just checked online. Hot Topic is a North-America-only store. They don’t have any branches in England… which is where Hogwarts is supposed to be.

So then Ebony indulges in her favorite hobby: describing her incredibly generic and skanky clothes.

 
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots.

You know, it’s been awhile since I read the Harry Potter books, and I may have forgotten some important details. But I do seem to remember there being a dress code or uniform. I’m pretty sure “gawthe hooker” wasn’t part of it.

Nope, don’t see any fishnets or corset tops.

Nope, somehow I can’t see that sort of attire passing muster at Hogwarts.

 
I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

Well, what else would you expect a goff Hot Topic vampire to wear? Something flattering?

 
It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.

I was a little less happy about being encrusted in freezing slush.

 
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Ah, taking a page from the Avril Lavigne book of being edgy and showing how much you don’t care.

Also, maybe they’re staring at you because you’re at an elite prep school with required clothing, but you’re dressed like an Anita Blake character.

 
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

Oh Em Gee! What a SHOCK, seeing a Harry Potter character at Hogwarts! Whatever next, a Hobbit in Lord of the Rings? A Christian allegory in Narnia? A sociopathic brat in Twilight?

 
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

  1. Why? Do you have some sort of agreement to drop conversations if anyone you know calls you?
  2. And how does someone this obnoxious have FRIENDS?
  3. And again, it’s been awhile since I read the books… but I don’t remember Draco Malfoy being shy. Ever. To anyone.
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