My Immortal Chapter 5

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!

An u ken probbly spel rite 2!

Yeah, her logic is that her abysmal fanfic will only be despised by people who are the sworn enemy of mallgoths/mallpunks: PREPS AND POSERS! If you’re a middle-class suburban kid with no real problems but lots of angst, you will automatically LOVE this clusterfuck.

 
Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!

Yes, because if J.K. Rowling’s books have taught us anything, it’s that Dumbledore starts screaming abuse at his students whenever he suffers discomfort.

PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

….

Naw, just kidding. She continued updating. A lot.

So back with the story, Dumbledore forces the two goff lovers to follow him. No mention of whether he made them put their clothes back on, or whether they’re wandering through Hogwarts in the nude.

 
“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

Hey, I ain’t a fan of Ludacris either, but I don’t use his name as an insult. Oh wait, he means “ludicrous.” Oh Dumbledore, your cracktastically nonsensical dialogue is what makes this fanfic fun.

 
I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Draco comforted me.

This would be more moving, except that we’ve established that “Enoby” is only happy when she’s miserable, and describes everything “depressing” as good. So… why does she need comforting?

 
When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

Slight question: why? Do they somehow know what is going on? Do they take turns training a telescope on the Forest just in case some students sneak out to screw, and if someone DOES one of them heads out to interruptus the coitus?

Or do Snape and McGonagall just sorta hang around looking angry, in case somebody does something wrong?

 
“They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!” he yelled in a furious voice.

Which raises some interesting questions about sexual behavior at Hogwarts. Is it technically against the rules, especially since the school has a bunch of teens wandering off and doing stuff unchaperoned (including what is implied to be some heavy-duty making out)?

And now it’s time for a minor meme, which has become permanently tied to the character! It is so awesomely bad that your socks might blow right off.

Priceless.

 
“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Professor McGonagall.

… well, presumably it’s because people tend to find sex enjoyable.

 
“How dare you?” demanded Professor Snape.
And then Draco shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HER!”

“And because I’m horny as hell!”

 
Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

… yes, because of those three, Snape seems to be the most likely to be moved by “because I love her!” from a couple of rule-breaking students.

Speaking of breaking rules, that Mercedes is apparently still in the woods. Maybe it’s having a romantic interlude with the blue car.

 
“Are you okay, Ebony?” Draco asked me gently.

“They actually yelled at you. You could have been hurt!”

 
I went to the girl’s dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I came out…

  1. … he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the second time.
  2. Seriously, it’s the middle of the night. Who dresses like that at that time except for sex?
  3. “Dorm” is not the same thing as “bathroom.”

 
Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing “I just wanna live” by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there.

Ah yes, because a song about how a band’s critics suck for criticizing them is the most romantic thing in the world. Especially when it’s so specifically about them and not a song that could be done by anyone.

Talkin’ on the phone got an interview with the Rolling Stone
They’re sayin’, “Now you’re rich and now you’re famous
Big-ass girls all know your name and
“Lifestyles of the rich and famous”
Your first hit, aren’t you ashamed?
Of the life, of the life, of the life you’re livin”

Yeah, I would be so flattered if a guy sang THAT to me.

 
We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

Yes, in one teeny chapter we went from “he put his thingie in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time” to a chaste goodnight kiss.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s