My Immortal Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!

That shocks me. Deeply.

dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!

I must have been in the bathroom during the scenes where Dumbledore starts screaming four-letter words at his students. Sigh, those movie adaptations, always getting stuff wrong,

and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!

… yes, because Snape strikes me as a total Bible-thumper. And he had NO other reasons to act negatively at all.

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me.

For the hundredth time, HE’S BEEN DATING YOU FOR ONE DAY. Does Tara Gillesbie subscribe to the Smeyer theory of love and romance, wherein you must never date anyone except your troo luv or you’re cheating on someone you’ve not met yet?

I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

My buttprint was still crushed into the bark!

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick!

  1. Oh no, it’s Lamar Smith!
  2. What is “and everything”? Are there OTHER features that go with red eyes and no nose?
  3. The “flying toward me on a broomstick” part… sort of falls flat when you consider that everybody in this series has a broomstick.

He didn’t have a nose

Thank you, Captain Redundant.

(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was… Voldemort!

Ohmigosh! Voldemort looks like Voldemort in the MOVIES! Just like how Sauron looks like Sauron in the movies.

Voldemort promptly casts the Imperius curse… wait…

googles it

Okay, according to my exhaustive research, the Imperius Curse is a spell that compels the victim to do whatever the hell the caster wants them to do. And after being hit by that… Ebony immediately attacks Voldemort right back. So either he masochistically WANTED to be attacked, or Tara just raped continuity again. Both are possible in this story!

“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.

… um…

She’s summoning a cat to save her?

I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

  1. Sadists. Don’t. WORK THAT WAY!!!!!!!
  2. Where are all these qualities like sadism and bisexuality coming from?!
  3. Why would ANYONE feel bad for Voldemort? He’s only the scourge of the wizard world. That’s like feeling bad for Sauron or Emperor Palpatine.
  4. Voldemort is… kind of a wimp. He just got pwned by a random teenager.
  5. Admittedly he got pwned by a toddler in the past, but at least that wasn’t just flinging spells at each other.
  6. Also, shouldn’t Ebony be this guy’s biggest fan? He always wears black and he’s evil.

“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”

… and apparently Voldemort now talks like the King James Bible.

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. “I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”
“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“No.” he answered.
“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.
“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.


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