Vampires – Vampire Myth

There are many myths about vampires, most of them created and put into circulation by the Volturi.

So why the hell did they come up with some of the more entertaining myths, like “vampires hop” or “vampires have OCD” or “vampires have only one nostril”?

I love the idea that the Volturi were just sitting around, coming up with this crap.

“Hey Stefano, I have a new one! See, we’ll tell people that we all have ONE BIG NOSTRIL!”
“HAHAHAHAHA! You’re killing me, Nick.”
“Hey guys, here’s an idea: tell them we turn blue, wear period clothes and hop around like bunnies!”
“That’s a good one, but I have a really great one: you become a vampire if you have RED HAIR!”
“Pass the blood, man. I need to be a little drunker to top THAT!”

(And yes, those are all real vampire myths. Shows what Smeyer knows)

Their purpose is to disguise the existence of vampires behind stories that could never be proven to have a basis in truth—and to make it possible for a vampire to easily “prove” that he is not a vampire to a human who believes the myths (by touching a cross or standing in front of a mirror, for example).

This might SEEM like a smart approach… but it’s not. Because the fact is, this sort of folkloric approach might work in the short term, it wouldn’t hang on in the long term. Why? Because if you claim “Oh, vampires are purple and have noses down to their navels and they smell of pickles!”, people might believe you for awhile. But when people kept getting sucked dry like a Capri Sun, they would eventually conclude that, due to the lack of purple long-nosed pickle-scented individuals, that MAYBE THEY DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT.

In other words, if people are being picked off and there are no corpses with long teeth and no reflection hanging around at night… they MIGHT come to the conclusion that hey, maybe those pale sparkly people who never eat and never appear in the sunlight… MIGHT be the actual vampires. YA FUCKING THINK, DIPSHITS?

And the most laughable part is that even though supposedly they have bamboozled the entire human race into thinking that vampires are totally different from what they are… they are STILL convinced that if someone sees them sparkle like a disco ball, they will immediately go “OMG, vampire!”

And Smeyer doesn’t seem to realize it, but vampire legends actually do have a basis in fact. Specifically, the “symptoms” of many vampiric “tells” (elongated teeth, movement after death, thirst for blood) actually have a basis in some illnesses and effects of the recently dead. Other vampire legends (ex: a woman who looks at a vampire while pregnant will give birth to one) are rooted in long-standing beliefs that extended WAAAAYYYY beyond vampires. And vampire apotropaics are usually based on preexisting folklore and folk knowledge, like silver, garlic, hawthorn, wild roses, etc.

So not only would the Volturi have to spread lies about vampiric nature… throughout the ENTIRE WORLD… adjusting those lies for EVERY INDIVIDUAL CULTURE… they would have to also create ALL THE FOLKLORE that those lies were based on.

And yes, that WOULD be a lot of vampiric lore to spread lies about. Because while Smeyer pays lip service to having done “research” on the various kinds of vampire across the world, the only kind she acknowledges are the one variety that is only a century or two old. In other words, she sticks to a very small, highly-specialized bunch of popular characteristics like “doesn’t show a reflection” and “can’t touch a cross.” For instance: pretty sure Chinese vampires are unaffected by crosses. Pretty sure African vampires aren’t affected by hawthorn. Pretty sure Romanian vampires don’t look like birds. Pretty sure Greek vampires weren’t full of needles and beads.

And if you actually do any research into vampire lore, you will discover that there are COUNTLESS legends, most of which are totally different from the “myths” that Smeyer claims were spread by the Volturi. The vampires take all sorts of different forms, have different habits, different weaknesses, different MOs, etc. Pretty much all they have in common is that they drink blood, and not all of them do that. Hell, one of them is the strigoi, which is the same root folklore creature as the FUCKING WEREWOLVES. And we’re supposed to buy that the Volturi spread ALL those lies?!

It’s also stupid because HELLO, STUPID, most of the myth-spreading about vampires came from Bram Stoker. It’s not like the typical vampire lore was commonly-known BEFORE him.

And it’s ALSO stupid because vampire legends have pretty much existed for as long as civilization has. Yes, they existed WAY before the fucking Volturi supposedly did. For example: the ancient Babylonians and Hebrews believed in the demonic vampiric Lilit/Lilith. The goddess Sekhmet. The ancient Persians

Though vampires are never in any danger from humans, the Volturi contend that human ignorance makes hunting more convenient for all.

Yes yes, keep insisting that your pussy-ass vampires are in no danger from puny humans. The more you claim it, the more it sounds like Edward’s pathetic “I’m so dangerous! I’m scary!” diatribes.

Again, I don’t buy this. Humans are good at killing. We’re really, really good at it. If a method of killing something we want dead is ineffective, we’re going to keep trying until we find something that works. Chemically, physically, biologically, etc. If necessary, we’d detonate small nukes in vampire gathering spots.

Or is Smeyer going to insist that if a human casually dropped a depinned grenade into a vampire’s pocket, the ensuing explosion and fire wouldn’t affect it at all? Bullshit.

It’s doubly stupid because Smeyer presents her vampires as BIOLOGICALLY vampiric, meaning there is apparently no supernatural force making them into vampires (like there is with Anne Rice’s vampires). Her vampires aren’t so much “undead” as “freakishly mutated.” So while I MIGHT… MIGHT be able to buy that supernatural vampires are unharmable, a biological creature is going to have some physical weaknesses. And believe you me, humans would find them and exploit them.

Ugh, her vampires are nothing but Smeyer’s desire to be the untouchable elite. Same with the rich thing.

Vampires are burned by the sun. Vampires are always unconscious during daylight hours. Vampires have no reflection. Vampires can be harmed by crosses, holy water, and garlic. Vampires have visible fangs. Vampires can assume the form of a bat. Vampires must have permission to enter a house. Vampires can be killed by a wooden stake stabbed into their hearts.
Vampires have red or black eyes (gold wasn‘t a known option at the time). Vampires reflect sunlight prismatically. Vampires never sleep. Vampires are nearly indestructible.
Vampires are flammable. Vampires are pale. Vampires drink blood. Vampires are beautiful. Vampires are immortal.
One benefit of the surviving truths is that there are humans who actually seek out vampires in an attempt to gain beauty or immortality. This benefits the Volturi when they want a human front as a façade.


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