Twilight – The Movie Part 2

I was planning to do this movie in ten-minute increments, but honestly it takes way too long to slog through this while snarking it thoroughly. So I’m going to do five minute increments, at least for the moment.

Anyway, Stewart makes this bizarre face and noise, almost like she had an orgasm she didn’t expect. Of course the purple-prosey way Bawla describes Edward in the book, maybe Bella DID have an orgasm and this is just Stewart’s wooden way of showing it.

I can totally imagine a Stewart sex scene – there would be lots of wandering eyes, lip-biting, loud mouth-breathing, no change in expression, and she would just say in a bland monotone, “Oh yes. Yes. Yes. Oh yes. Right there. Harder. Yes. Faster. Yes. Oh yes.”


“Oh Edward, I dream of your creamsicle sparklepeen!”

JESSICA (cont)
(she obviously does)
So yeah…. seriously, like, don’t waste your time.

This is quite possibly the bitchiest screenplay I’ve ever read in my life. Seriously, I’ve never read a screenplay before that was so openly nasty to women other than the main character.

Sadly, it’s still kinder to women than the actual book is, where every woman other than Bella is a bitch, a whore, a blithering idiot or a sycophant.

BELLA
I wasn’t planning on it.

“I was planning on skipping the talking and just leaping into his lap.”

A full sentence out of this alleged actress, with no loud mouth-breathing, huffing or awkward silences! HALLELUJAH!

But Bella can’t help but peek at Edward again. He’s staring at her outright now, with a slightly frustrated expression that unnerves Bella.

“I can’t stand it when people don’t button their sweaters right! It makes me CRAZY.”


Rosalie explains how she found Edward stealing her makeup and underwear.

And… Jasper is also staring at her, but for some reason THAT doesn’t bother her. Seriously, why does she even assume that he’s looking at her?

Also, he doesn’t look that frustrated:


“Damn, I left my keys in the car. That upsets me. A lot.”

He looks more like he’s stoned out of his mind. He certainly doesn’t look frustrated – he’s almost as expressionless here as Stewart is.

And then he just…. looks away. Seriously, that’s how this epic scene of sexual tension and romantic longing ends. He just sort of gets distracted and pays no more attention to Bawla for the rest of lunch. What, he’s not gonna steal her ugly gym shirt and sniff it covertly?

16 INT. BIOLOGY CLASS – DAY 16

A room of black-topped lab tables. Two to a table. Bella and Mike enter.

Wow, I wonder who Bella will end up sitting with! It couldn’t POSSIBLY be the creepy guy from lunch! That would be too painfully predictable!

MIKE
Mr Molina!

MR MOLINA
Hey, Mike.

“Mike, I said we’re not dissecting any dead ferrets!”
“Uh, that’s the new transfer student.”
“… oh. Awkward.”

12.
Mike takes his seat and points her toward MR. MOLINA, Birkenstocked, enthusiastic science teacher at the head of the class.

Yeah, he’s not any of that in this movie. I dunno what shoes he’s wearing, but he’s basically your average underpaid, unenthusiastic teacher who is obviously counting the days until retirement and a sad little pension.

And then…. OH NOES, Bawla steps in front of a fan!

A giant fan! A fan that has no reason to be there because they’re in the middle of FREAKING, which would only make the place even more depressingly cold. And Bawla walks in front of it so it can make her hair blow dramatically like she’s in a friggin’ shampoo commercial! And conveniently blow her smelly post-gym odor all over the room! Immediately, several students drop dead from Bawla’s B.O. and Edward comes pretty close to throwing up.

Then the music gets dark and gritty to let us know that Something Significant is happening…. which is almost comical considering the sheer mundanity of what’s going on. It’s like if someone announced,

“I have to go to the bathroom!”
and this played:

or someone said, “I got an extra doughnut!”
and this played:

or someone said, “I just realized that sweaters are on sale!”
and this played:

Yeah, it’s almost that silly.

So anyway, Bella’s yummy floral scent is flowing all over the room. We also see that the fan is actually blowing papers around, which makes it doubly stupid – why would you put a fan in a classroom when it means the students can’t even take notes? Even more bizarre, the fan basically vanishes for the rest of the scene.

Oh, and Edward almost voms on the table.

Ah, true love. Nothing says it like projectile vomiting.

Seriously, I can only assume that Robert Pattinson did this on purpose, since it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t like his character or the books in general. And my shriveled respect for Catherine Hardwicke shrivels a little more because she apparently DIDN’T NOTICE how this looks!

By the way, I am going to riff heavily on Robert Pattinson’s acting in this movie – but like with Ed Speleers, it’s all in good fun. Unlike Stewart, who is a genuinely horrible actress, I think Pattinson genuinely has talent which he WASN’T using in this pile of shit. Of course, I can’t blame him, because they could have a couple of blow-up sex dolls playing Edward and Bella, and the idiot masses would still flock to watch them. So why bother trying?

Also, I have automatic snarker-luv for any guy who makes this comment:

I would like to shake your hand, Mr. Pattinson. Dude, you are a smart man, and I will send you a plaque and a medal from the Order of The Golden Snark once we are no longer broke.

Anyway, Bella notices Edward trying not to puke at the smell of her post-gym body, and is depressed that this guy she’s never spoken to and has seen exactly once DOESN’T LIKE HER OH NOES. And by depressed, I mean Kristen Stewart stands in front of Dramatic Fan and looks at the floor, with no expression whatsoever.

Mr. Molina takes Bella’s class slip.

MR. MOLINA
Hi, welcome to the class. Here’s your stuff, and I got a seat for you right here, so come over, the last one, s’fallon to catch up.

Was Kristen Stewart the acting coach for any of the random minor actors in this movie, or is there some sort of Incoherent Babble Virus loose on the set?

Mr. Molina gestures to the only empty seat… next to Edward.
But as Bella approaches, she’s taken aback when –

– he starts vomiting violently on her chair.

Yes, I know he’s supposed to be overcome with hunger at the smell of Bella’s yummy blood, but honestly it looks like Pattinson is trying not to upchuck on the table. It doesn’t say “hunger,” it says “I ate the cafeteria food and am now regretting it.”

MR. MOLINA
(to the class, animated)
Today we’ll be observing the behavior of planaria, a.k.a flatworms.

“Which are incredibly simplistic, parasitic creatures with no brains, not unlike Ms. Swan here.”

As Mr. Molina distributes two petri dishes per table –

MR. MOLINA
We’re going to cut them in half, then watch them regenerate into two separate worms.
.
The same thing happens with Twilight fans, which is why there were so many of them. Trust me, I’ve tried it.

Edward takes a dish, then slides the second one across the table to Bella as if she had Ebola.

“I am so stoned, I can barely move. Wow, I’m like… sliding this dish across the table. Wild.”

Bella, shrinking, subtly sniffs the air, smells nothing.

Insert obvious fart joke here.

Then she sniffs her hair. It’s fine. She’s perplexed.

Only a Mary Sue could publicly start sniffing herself – her hair, her pits, her feet – and not be tortured for it by the other people in the room. Seriously, if nobody else has started gagging at your stench, you’re probably not bad enough to induce vomiting.

Also, this is a BIOLOGY class with flatworm dissection. If a guy suddenly looked ill in that class, I would not suddenly go, “Oh noes, he hates my smelly pits/feet!”

So Bawla looks directly at him, and Edward looks back at her. He still looks sick.

I’m serious, he doesn’t look even remotely hostile and angry, or lustful, or…. ANYTHING. He looks TOTALLY EXPRESSIONLESS. In response to this, Bella furrows her brow and looks incredibly constipated. Ah, the faces of Troo Lurv… wangsty and devoid of any expression that the audience might actually be able to identify. I feel the romance sweeping me off my feet! Truly this is a romantic epic for our times!

Oh, and the soundtrack sounds like someone is slowly strangling an electric guitar, or maybe a mechanical cat. This does not convey, “This is deep! This is tortured!” to me, it conveys “someone skipped all their music lessons and is bluffing their way through a song.”

She takes her dish, and makes a dark curtain of her hair between them.

No, she doesn’t do that. That’s the kind of melodramatic drivel in the BOOK that doesn’t translate to real life. It would look fucking ridiculous if someone did that.

So Bella sits there twitching and pulling at her hair all through class, and Edward stares at her for no real reason. I guess he forgot to turn The Glare off. Oh, and look at how incredibly arty and symbolic Catherine Hardwicke’s direction is! I mean, there are all these little moments that you just don’t notice… oh, like….

Because there’s nothing like using the wings of a dead, stuffed animal to make an anemic-looking stalker look look like an ANGEL. Seriously, someone take away that damned owl and put a bat there instead. A bat with goat horns. Maybe we could place a can of Mace somewhere nearby?

So finally Edward sort of bends over the table and looks AGAIN like he’s going to puke. I think Pattinson was doing that on purpose. Maybe it was a subtle comment on the movie he was making?

17 INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY – DAY 17

— just before the BELL RINGS, Edward jumps out of his chair and bolts out the door. Bella stays in her seat.

Oh how tortured is Bawla! Yeah, there’s no sign that Bawla gives a shit whether Edward just ran out of the room or not. Stewart just sits there looking vaguely constipated.

So then Bawla walks into…. a room. I don’t know what room it is – it could be the janitor’s closet for all I know.

EDWARD sweet-talking the enchanted female ADMINISTRATOR, 40’s. He doesn’t see Bella enter.

EDWARD
There must be something open sixth period. Physics? Biochem?

Because nothing says “sweet-talking” like pleading for a science class. I guess all this time I’ve been charming all those school counselors with my questions about which English class to take.

ADMINISTRATOR
No, every class is full.
(to Bella)
Just a minute, dear.
(to Edward)
I’m afraid you’ll have to stay in biology.

You can hear the sixtysomething woman wetting her panties with desire as she tells him that he can’t switch classes.

And then… OH GASP. Edward notices that Bella is in da house… I mean, da room. And in response…. Bella just stands there mouth-breathing with NO CHANGE IN EXPRESSION. Apparently her gormless expression infuriates Eddie even further.


EDWARD
(to the Administrator)
Fine. I’ll just… I’ll just have to endure it.

“I’ll have to put up with the lingering stench of flatworms and gym sweat! My life sucks! I am emo!”

So he stomps past Bella and out the door. Bella looks back… blinks… bites her lip… then walks out after him. I think you just saw Stewart’s whole acting range. Okay, I want medical confirmation that Kristen Stewart has actual facial muscles and not just a plastic mask shaped like a face.

So then we switch to:

24 INT. FORKS COFFEE SHOP – LATE AFTERNOON 24

A really bland little restaurant that looks like it was cobbled together with the leftovers from a hardware store. Inside, a waitress is putting a GIANT plate of fried fish and fries in front of Bawla… and judging from Bawla’s “underfed teenage boy” figure, I’m betting she’s gonna nibble on the end of one fry and then declare herself full.

After all, all vampire wannabes must be anorexic and toilet-paper pale. How often do you see a curvy vampire?

CORA
Can’t get over how grown up you are. And so gorgeous.

Well well, someone’s angling for the big tips, isn’t she? Because in a town where all the BOYS are prettier than the lead character, I somehow doubt that’s from the heart.

Bella glances at Charlie, who keeps his eyes on his steak. A bearded, hippy logger, WAYLON FORGE, 50, appears behind Cora, leaning over her shoulder to Bella –

WAYLON
‘Member me, honey? I was Santa one year.

“Huh huh, wanna play Santa again? I LOOOOOOOVE playing Santa with underage girls!”

CHARLIE
Waylon, she hasn’t had a Christmas here since she was four.

Wow, that actually makes this scene even CREEPIER than it already was. Please tell me Waylon is banned from elementary school grounds.

WAYLON
Bet I made an impression, though.

… okay, I don’t even wanna know what THAT means?

I mean, what is the fucking point of this little exchange? Are they trying to hammer it into our heads that THIS PERSON

is so mind-blowingly, devastatingly, out-of-this-world attractive that not only does she manage to pull the sullen vampire into worshiping her, but also ALL the teen boys (99% of which have never spoken to her) AND all the middle-aged perverts who probably get arrested twice a month for hanging around the playgrounds with their hands down their pants? And if there were any gay men in Stephenie Meyer’s world, they would probably want to bone Bella too! Seriously, ALL the men in the world are supposed to be hopelessly attracted to a chick with no lips?

I mean, I could buy it if THIS person moved into Forks…

I could totally imagine it. I could imagine vampires, teenage boys, middle-aged perverts with three teeth apiece, woodland animals, and normally heterosexual women/homosexual men panting after her. But here’s the thing… she had a lot of sex appeal! And by that, I mean giant boobs, a beautiful face and a curvy sexy body! Sophia Loren in her prime could totally have gotten that reaction, and I would buy it completely.

So why is it that BELLA allegedly has the same level of sex appeal despite as a legendary “sexy pot,” without having the bod, the personality, or the looks?! THIS IS JUST PAINFULLY CONTRIVED, a futile attempt to make a heroine that easily-swayed tweenagers want to be.

And since she’s FUCKING SEVENTEEN and is being hit on by a creepy old man, this entire scene is just PAINFUL, PERIOD.

CHARLIE
You always do.

And I’ve arrested you several times for your “impressions.”

CORA
Buttcrack Santa?

WAYLON
Hey, the kids love those little bottles, though –



This entire scene is making me veeeeerrryyyyy uncomfortable. Like, “why is no one keeping this guy from being around small children?” uncomfortable. Especially with mentions of his asscrack and “little bottles”… it sounds like they’re reminiscing about a fun weekend at the late Michael Jackson’s. But who am I kidding? This is the Twilight series, where pedophilia is just another expression of troo luv, as long as you’re “destined” for each other. What’s a few implied child-touchers here or there?

And why the hell is Bella actually breaking into a “my face is malfunctioning” smile at this moment? She hasn’t had a genuine smile in this entire movie so far, but suddenly she’s smiling at PedoSanta!

I mean, what about this creepy exchange is even remotely funny? Does she think pedophiles are hilarious?

AND WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT OF THIS SCENE?! What is the point of this character? Why is he in here? Does him playing pedoSanta to a four-year-old Bella have any bearing on the plot? Is it ever referred to again? NO! IT IS NOT! This is just a random scene inserted for a redshirt!


CORA
Let the girl eat her garden burger, Waylon.

Ooooh, more of Hardwicke’s “subtle” symbolism. See, Bella is eating a crappy vegetarian meal even though the character isn’t vegetarian, because her boyfriend calls himself a “vegetarian vampire” even though he’s NOT, because he eats animals. See it? See the subtle stuff? See the depth? See how awesome it is?

BE IMPRESSED, DAMN YOU ALL! MARVEL AT THE GREAT AND SUBTLE SYMBOLISM OF TWISHITE!

Honestly, one of the worst things about this shitty movie is that it took a promising director and turned her into a suckup to all the paranormal-romance-craving teenagers out there. I mean, Hardwicke went from Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown and The Nativity Story to… this lump of poop, and the “I love you even though you might be a killer werewolf!” werewolf movie Red Riding Hood, which is basically a companion piece to the Twishite series.

And you know what’s even worse than THAT? It’s the fact that Hardwicke has just set female directors back at least twenty years. Hollywood is convinced that female directors just wanna make soppy revolting “girly” movies and aren’t capable of making anything more; even if they make good movies that appeal to everybody, Hollywood just KNOWS they’re just DYING to make plotless girly horrors that will drive off the desirable young male demographic. So what does Hardwicke do? She decides to prove them right by dumping gritty drama and Biblical source material…. so she can write about teenage girls wanting to get boned by supernatural hotties.

That sucks. It sucks a lot.


CORA
(to Bella)
As soon as you’re done, I’ll bring your favorite – berry cobbler. Remember? Your dad still has it. Every Thursday.

Okay, this is pretty implausible. Not the sparkling vampires who repeatedly go to high school – the idea that everybody vividly remembers this walking lump of tapioca when she has absolutely no presence.

BELLA
(doesn’t remember at all)
Thank you, that’d be great.

“I’ll just stare at the floor while I talk to you, because I apparently haven’t mastered the most basic social skills.”

Left alone now, Charlie and Bella both reach for the ketchup. Charlie gives her the ketchup and goes for the barbecue sauce instead. Silence as they eat.

Oh, the social awkwardness of it all! Seriously, WHY IS THIS SCENE IN HERE? We’ve already figured out that Bella is socially inept and that she and Charlie don’t talk. We don’t need a bunch of boring-ass scenes to ram it home.

So both Bawla and Charlie stare at a bunch of happy laughing people, both of them with absolutely no expression. We can’t tell if they’re jealous, wistful, angry, or whatever. Also, it’s painfully obvious that there is no ketchup in that bottle. Stewart waggles it around like a two-year-old with plastic play food.

And then… the scene ends. I kid you not – an entire scene was devoted to PedoSanta and Bella’s thirteen-year-old dessert orders. I thought the book’s endless pandering to Bella was painful enough, but at least the pointless painful scenes didn’t get THIS pointless. I mean, are they going to also show us Bella on the toilet, reading the National Enquirer? Are they going to show Bella sloooowwwwllly writing her school papers? Are they going to show Bella wandering around dusting and reminiscing about a Ferris Wheel she rode when she was six?

25 INT. BELLA’S ROOM – NIGHT 25

Bella writes in a folder as she talks on the phone.

… DO SOMETHING. I am so bored right now that I am about to foam at the mouth.

Dear Diary: Forks sucks, dad sucks. Today I bit my lip, flipped my hair, and stared at the floor…
RENE (O.S.)
… So baby, if spring training goes well, we could be living in Florida permanently.

No, Bella doesn’t react to what should be welcome news. I mean, if she hates cold wet weather and craves sun and warmth, she should be looking forward to the idea of going to Florida. Okay, it’s humid, but at least it’s hot. There are hurricanes, drug lords and old people who drive like brakes haven’t been invented… but it’s warm, and that’s all that matters in life.

But silly me! In the movie you can’t even tell if she loves or hates sunlight, especially since she’s the color and texture of dried Elmer’s glue.

Also, shouldn’t her mom’s name be “Renee”? “Rene” is a man’s name. (And in case you care, it’s taken from the script)

TELEPHONE OPERATOR (O.S.)
Please insert $1.25 to continue.

BELLA
Mom, where’s your cell?

Haha. Laugh, for Bella’s mother is humorously flaky and inept, and needs her Wiser Than Her Years daughter to babysit her all the time. Poor super-mature Bella, having to be the “mom” to her mother, because mommy is so flaky and hopeless!

This is what passes for character development… and yes, I am crying.

So then we cut to a gas station, where a woman who looks absolutely nothing like Stewart is talking on a pay phone while…. stuff happens behind her. I can’t really see it clearly because it’s all out of focus.

RENE
Okay, don’t laugh. I didn’t lose my power cord. It ran away. Screaming. I literally repel technology now.

Literally = literally the most abused word in the English language.


And sadly, this is the second actually entertaining moment in the entire movie…. and we are thirteen minutes in. The woman playing Renee actually is kind of funny – she has good timing, she’s expressive, and I don’t instantly hate her character’s guts. What’s more, unlike PedoSanta, the waittress and half the characters we’ve seen so far, her presence in this movie actually makes sense.

Bella chuckles and sticks her fist over her mouth, then makes more weird “uhn uhn” noises. Is this girl brain-damaged?

BELLA
I miss you.

“Charlie’s too self-sufficient! I need someone stupid and inept to babysit so I end up looking competent.”

Then we switch to seeing that Renee is standing in a garage while her husband and a mechanic tinker with the engine. You’d think they would have had it checked up on BEFORE embarking on a cross-country trip, but what do I know?

RENE
Aww, baby, I miss you too!

“I really miss being condescended to all the time. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.”

Seriously, we have seen two actors who are good and actually TRYING in this whole movie, and they’re the BIT PLAYERS. Why can’t we have a movie about the flaky mom and the wheelchair werewolf?!

“Captain’s Log, Emo Date 2006… I still have nothing interesting to say.”
RENE
But tell me all about your school. What are the kids like? Are there any cute guys?

“Mooooooommmmm, don’t you know I’m totally asexual and have no life? That’s what teenage life is supposed to be until you meet your true love! It’s perfectly healthy!”

Bella shows her annoyance by… biting her lip and staring off into space. I’m honestly sorry if this is repetitive but as I said, Stewart’s “acting” is pretty much represented by a bunch of tics.

RENE
Are they being nice to you?

BELLA
(a beat, lying)
They’ve all been really.. welcoming.

Yes. Yes, they have. Wow, it took a whole thirteen minutes for Bella to really start being a bitch, but at least she’s starting off well.

I mean, by any reasonable standards they ARE being nice and welcoming to her. What the hell does Bawla expect, a parade complete with floats, rose petals and a full orchestra playing the Hallelujah Chorus? All hail, for on this day a sullen expressionless bitch hath been given to us! Glory glory hallelujah!

I… GUESS this is supposed to show what a tormented soul is Bella and how very unhappy she is. But here’s the thing: they HAVE been nice to her, and they HAVE been welcoming. The Blacks, the school teens, the random citizens she runs into… all of them have bent so far backwards that their spines are about to break, while Bella just sat there drooling on herself with all the charm of a brain-damaged cow. So that lie loses all fucking meaning because WHAT SHE’S SAYING IS TRUE.

Ohhhh waaaiiiiittt, maybe we’re supposed to be thinking, “No, they haven’t been welcoming, for that meaniepants Edward almost threw up when he saw her! He doesn’t like her! And since he’s the only person in the WHOLE FUCKING TOWN who matters, that means that EVERYONE hasn’t been nice and welcoming.” Yes, suddenly it makes perfect sense. For brain-damaged cows.

And in one stupid self-absorbed line, this movie goes from being annoyingly boring to obnoxious. Wow.

RENE
Uh oh. Tell me all about it.

BELLA
It doesn’t… even matter.

No. No, it doesn’t. The end! Are we done with his pointless scene yet?

RENE
Yes it does, honey!

“Well, like, there’s this one boy who is totally hot, but he totally doesn’t LIKE ME so life isn’t worth living! And Forks obviously is full of nasty meanies because ONE PERSON didn’t like me!”
“… that’s it?”
“My life is full of torment!”

So Bawla slaps her notebook shut and shoves it off her lap. I think she’s supposed to be angry, but it’s honestly impossible to tell. She could be having a muscle spasm for all I know.

BELLA
I have homework to do. Ummm… I’ll talk to ya later.

“Then I have to go slit my wrists and write tortured poetry on my livejournal account.”

RENE
Okay. I love you.

BELLA
Lumyatu.

And in this scene, Bella shows her inner turmoil by slightly furrowing her brow and…. sticking her fingers in her mouth. Then she thinks of Edward’s immaculately plucked brows and mascaraed eyes, and his mouth as he tried not to puke on the table. Romantic. It’s still impossible to figure out what the hell she’s supposed to be feeling – is this supposed to be ANGER?

I would also like to add this little rant: while I detest Kristen Stewart on a personal basis (since I consider her an untalented, ungrateful, pretentious wannabe who only has a career because of family connections), that doesn’t really have anything to do with her horrible acting. I honestly cannot identify more than one or two “emotional moments” in this entire movie so far – and we are almost fifteen minutes in, people! I should not have to respond to every single line the lead character chokes out with, “What? What emotion was that? What is she trying to convey? I’m confused!”

This is not acceptable! Even with really bad actors, I can usually identify one or two emotions, but with Stewart it’s like watching a friggin’ hand puppet voiced by a stroke victim. In a dramatic movie, you NEED to have competent lead actors because that is who the audience is connecting with. If your lead actors have NO recognizable emotions… then the audience won’t know what the hell they’re supposed to be feeling!

So we suddenly cut to Bella hanging out outside her Tomato Truck the next day, listening to… something. I assume it’s Muse, since Smeyer insisted that every unspecified band in the books is Muse… but it pains me to connect Bella Swan with a band as awesome as Muse.

Then again, it gives me the chance to scream “SUPERMASSIVE ASS-HOLE!” every time I see Edward.

BELLA (VO)
I planned to confront him, and demand to know what his problem was.

  1. …. rather than just IGNORING him like a normal person would. What, is the irrational adulation of 99% of the population not enough? You just HAVE to have that other 1%?
  2. And this is based on ONE DAY. She’s seen him acting weird for ONE DAY.
  3. Also, it’s a risky idea to confront someone like this, because most of the time they’ll stare blankly and go, “I don’t even know you. Why the hell would I have an opinion of you?”
  4. And even if you NEED to talk to someone about why they have an aversion to you… why would you lurk around in the parking lot like some sort of mugger? Why not wait until the person you have at least one class with turns up, so you can say “What’s your problem?” WHEN THEY ARE ACTUALLY ACTING STRANGE?
  5. Remember, teen girls: If a sexy rich guy doesn’t like you, just stalk him. This will make him realize that he actually LOVES you. I’m sure the police will realize that you’re just trying to let him know how much he adores you.

But just then, two cars come up with the Cullens in them! And Eddie isn’t in there, just Emmett openly flouting the law by standing on the seat with his upper-body sticking up out of the car. I wonder if the driver deliberately zooms under low bridges just to make him sweat.

“I feel like I’m flying, Jasper!”
“Come on, Emmett.”
“No.”
“Say it just once!”
“NO!”
“Say it or I drive this jeep into a flagpole.”
sigh “I’M THE KING OF THE WOOOORRRRLLLDDD.”

BELLA (VO)
But he never showed.

What nerve! And after she spent four hours lurking in the parking lot, frightening small children with her corpselike face.

So Bella sits there staring at Rosalie and Emmett with NO EXPRESSION WHATSOEVER.

“Oh, how I wish I too were hot, rich and snotty. I’ve only achieved one of those things!”
Meanwhile, all those lame human characters are hanging around a van with some kind of rainbow bead curtain. While Bella exposes her bunny teeth, looks at the ground and sighs again, Unnamed Black Guy throws something at her to get her attention.

I wish I could throw something at Bella.

UNNAMED BLACK GUY
Hey Bella!

All her friends smile welcomingly, unlike the assholic Cullens who all ignore her. But normal social interaction is anathema to Bella, so she waves a book she was obviously not reading before as an excuse to not talk to them.

So her friends go back to being HAPPY and SOCIAL and LAME, while Bella looks deeply tormented by Edward’s absence. And by tormented, I mean CONSTIPATED.

She then glances at Alice and Jasper, who are walking up the stairs. And because Bella is the center of the universe, they are BOTH STARING AT HER even though they are walking away from her. Wow, this vampire family kind of sucks at the “under the radar” thing, don’t they?

“Why is that creepy girl following us?” “Don’t look at her, and maybe she’ll go away!”
Then we see Bella walking into class with her mouth hanging open. Why? So we can see her damn bunny teeth again. SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH.

But what are we looking at? Why, the desk with the stuffed owl behind it! IT’S EMPTY, for Edward is not there!

BELLA (VO)
And the next day… another no-show.

For some reason, none of the teachers seemed to notice this. Apparently students go missing for days on end all the time here!

“Where oh where has my hot rich guy gone? Where oh where can he beeeeeee?”

I’m sorry, but whenever I see that mouth-breathing, expressionless face, I just want to punch a puppy. What’s the right word for it?

flips through dictionary

“Gormless”!

We cut to the cafeteria, where all the Cullens are pretending to nibble on food (you’d think people would ask why Emmett never seems to load up on protein and carbs). Bella ignores her classmates so she can gawk at them… and specifically, at the EMPTY CHAIR FOR OH WOE EDWARD IS MISSING.

BELLA (VO)
More days passed. Things were getting a little… strange.

More and more students were showing up naked for school. Dead animals were being nailed to the locker doors. Sometimes I heard voices telling me to burn Forks to the ground. I tried, but then it rained.

Can anyone tell me why they’re deliberately keeping an empty chair there? Did Edward forbid them to move HIS SPECIAL CHAIR while he was gone?

And once again, I have NO IDEA what is going on. I mean, is she supposed to be pissed that Edward is absent from school and she can’t tell him off? Is she supposed to be depressed by his absence, the way she was in the shitty book? Again, the total lack of emotion from Stewart and the vagueness of the script leave me wondering what the fuck we’re supposed to think about this.

We then get some rather pretty aerial views of the Olympic Peninsula…

…. which are abruptly interrupted by shots of a…

In the year 2067, after the machines conquered the earth…
I’m not sure what it is. An electrical plant? A seaport? It could be almost any structure.

And HOLY WOLVERINE’S CLAWS, we finally have some action! Some guy is running down a dark corridor, desperately trying to escape… SOMETHING.

We hear thuds as he jumps down a scaffolding and keeps desperately running. And then, two silhouetted figures with clawed hands are leaping down the way he just came! He runs out a door! He leaps over barriers! He continues running for his life!

This is actually… a little awesome. Can we please drop the stupid boring girl crushing on a guy who is about to throw up, and follow THIS storyline instead?

Then a figure appears in front of him, and….

“Excuse me, I’m here to talk to you about the Church of Scientology…”

Yeah, now I have something to bitch about. In the first shot, there is clearly only one attacker in front of Yellow-Hatted Guy, and we can see there’s no one behind him. In LITERALLY the next shot, there are three surrounding him.

So then start furiously… punching him. It’s actually kinda wimpy for vampires.

Finally, we get a long-shot of the vampires doing… something to him. At least, I assume they’re doing something to him – they could be making stir-fry with roadkill for all I know. And thankfully, that ends it. For this moment, anyway.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s