Edward Cullen Is Coming To Town

… He sees you when you’re sleeping, so get an effing restraining order!

by SatireKnight

 


Everybody has heard the classic “Santa Claus is Coming To Town” carol, but I’ve always gotten a creepy vibe from hearing about how Santa is always watching you. Santa = Big Brother! He is always watching! He monitors your behavior, and deviation from his will MEANS PUNISHMENT! Bend to Santa’s will!

Seriously, if you were talking about anyone other than jolly ol’ St. Nick, you would be calling the police. So it only seems appropriate to rewrite it for the most famous creepy-ass stalker of our times, Edward Cullen.


 
Edward Cullen is Coming to Town

You better watch out
You better just cry
You better cower in fear
I’m tellin’ you why:
Edward Cullen is coming… to town!

He’s sniffing your blood
And he’s thinking twice
About the “good vamp” shtick and always playing nice
Edward Cullen is coming to town!

He watches you when you’re sleeping
He stalks you when you’re awake
He sparkles like a disco ball
And he might just cut your brakes!

You better watch out
You better just cry
You better cower in fear
I’m tellin’ you why
Edward Cullen is coming… to town!

Little passive girls, little stalker boys
Who treat the passive girls like mindless toys
Edward Cullen is coming to town

Little werewolves that don’t have a prayer 
They just can’t compete with gelled-up hair
Edward Cullen is coming to town.

All the vamps and weres in Forks
Will have an emo-off around the tree
Bawla doesn’t want those jocks and dorks
She wants a sparkly stalker, you see

You better watch out
You better just cry
You better cower in fear
I’m tellin’ you why
Edward Cullen is coming… to town!

He watches you when you’re sleeping
He stalks you when you’re awake
He sparkles like a disco ball
And he might just cut your brakes!

You better watch out
You better just cry
You better cower in fear
I’m tellin’ you why
Edward Cullen is coming… to town!

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