Sweeties In The Night
As featured in the Anita Blake TV Show – Episode 1,450
(Cut to Anita Blake’s bedroom, complete with giant porn-style bed, mirrors on the ceiling, a disco ball and a few “Playgirls” scattered around. Anita and Micah are both lying on their backs, fast asleep and stark naked. Anita has her hair in curlers and face cream on.
Someone climbs in through the window and creeps across to Anita. It is Jean-Claude in leather swim trunks, a bright orange beret, a twirling bow-tie, and a dog harness around his chest, which would look silly on anyone else, but on him it looks so masculine etc etc. He is carrying a loaf of French bread, and wakes Anita with a snog)
Jean-Claude: Anita … Anita … ma petit! Wake up ma petit lemon. Come to my arms.
Anita: Jean-Claude! What are you doing here?
Jean-Claude: I could not keep away from you, ma petit. I must have you all the time.
Anita: But you DO have me all the time.
Jean-Claude: Well, I meant literally. As in, more than just a few shags every day.
Anita: Oh, that is most inconvenient.
Jean-Claude: Don’t talk to me about convenience, ma petit! Ardeur consumes my naughty mind! I’m delirious with desire!
(He snogs her repeatedly, then starts removing his trunks. Micah wakes up with a start, sits upright and looks straight ahead.)
Micah: What’s that, Anita?
Anita: Oh nothing. Just a trick of the light.
Micah: Right-o (he goes straight to sleep again)
Anita: Phew! That was close.
Jean-Claude: Now then ma petit banana, ma petit fruit salad, I can wait for you no longer. You must be mine utterly …
Anita: Oh, Jean-Claude! Uh, does “utterly” include sharing me with half the penis-carrying inhabitants of St. Louis, including all the gay ones who just need to meet a sexy enough woman?
Jean-Claude: If it’ll get me laid, then apparently it does.
(Suddenly beside them appears a young public-school teacher with very short hair.)
Richard: Anita! How dare you!
Richard: What’s the meaning of this?
Anita: I don’t have to explain anything because I’m the author’s avatar, and if you don’t accept me then you don’t accept yourself, so you must be mentally ill- (she rambles angrily for awhile).
Richard: Who is this?
Anita: This is Jean-Claude … Richard Zeeman … Richard Zeeman … Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude: How do you do.
Richard: (stiff) How do you do ... (to Anita) How could you do this to me, Anita … after all we’ve been through? (kneels) Dammit, I love you. I have no idea why, considering that you treat me like garbage, but I do.
Anita: That would be because you’re the avatar of the author’s ex-husband, and this is her idea of revenge.
Richard: Oh. That explains it.
Jean-Claude: Anita! Don’t you understand, it’s me that loves you. Frequently! Messily! Using the word “spill” a lot!
(Micah wakes up again.)
Micah: What’s happening, Anita?
Anita: Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window.
Micah: Right-o. (he goes back to sleep)
Richard: Come to me Anita!
Anita: Oh … not now, Richard. I’ve got some major ardeur to feed.
Jean-Claude: Anita, ma petit hedgehog! Don’t turn me away!
Anita: Oh it cannot be, Jean-Claude.
Jean-Claude: I don’t see why not. You’re shtupping everybody else who has the right equipment.
(Enter Nathaniel. He wears a leather S&M harness, has freakishly long hair and smells like vanilla. He wears a notice round his neck: ‘Will Have Sex for Bondage’.)
Nathaniel: Hands off, you filthy bally vampire! (kneels by the bed)
Anita: Oh Nathaniel!
Nathaniel: Yes. Asher’s here as well.
(Into the light comes Asher, with teary eyes. He wears a notice round his neck which reads: “Asher’s here as well’.)
Asher: That’s right… Anita … (he chokes back the tears) Oh God, you know we both still bally love you.
Anita: (checking the name tags) Oh Nathaniel! Asher! Oh, but how wonderful! Not that I’d expect anything less than total adoration, ya know.
(Micah wakes up again.)
Micah: What’s happening, Anita?
Anita: Oh, er, nothing. It’s just the toilet filling up.
Micah: Right-o. (he goes to sleep again)
(By this stage all the men have pulled up chairs in a circle around Anita’s side of the bed. They are all chatting amongst themselves. Nathaniel is reading Charlotte’s Web. Jean-Claude has produced a bottle of wine, Richard is sulking, and Asher is being all brooding and traumatized with his hair over his face. At this moment four were-rat musicians appear on Micah’s side of the bed. The leader of the band nudges Micah awake.)
Rafael: Scuse me, where is Miss Anita Blake please?
Micah: Right and right again.
(He goes back to sleep again. The wererats all troop round the bed and enter the group. Rafael conducts them and they start up a little conga on guitar, trumpet and maracas, then comes to Anita with a naughty little grin.)
Rafael: Oh Anita … you remember St. Louis in the springtime …
Anita: Oh. The Wererat Four! Wait a second, this IS St. Louis in the springtime…
Rafael: Well, you don’t go anywhere, so I had to improvise.
(Suddenly Micah wakes up.)
Micah: Anita! (all the men go silent) I distinctly heard a Mexican rhythm combo.
Anita: Oh no… it was just the electric blanket switching off.
Micah: Hm. Well I’m going for a tinkle.
(He gets out of bed and walks off.)
Anita: Oh no, you can’t do that. Here, we haven’t finished the sketch yet!
Nathaniel: Come on, there’s only another page.
Richard: I say. There’s no one to react to.
Jean-Claude: Don’t talk to the camera.
Richard: Oh, sorry.
(Enter a huge werepenguin dressed as an Aztec god. He stretches arms open wide and is about to speak when he is cut short by Anita.)
Anita: Here, it’s no good you coming in. He’s gone and left the sketch!
Asher: Yes, he went for a tinkle.
(Cut to close-up of Micah and Ronnie snogging in the bathroom. She starts to flush the toilet when he stops her.)
Micah: Sh! I think the ol’ ball and chain is beginning to suspect something…