I don’t need to do much to describe Meyer except to say that she’s managed to do more damage to the vampire legend than a thousand bad Dracula sequels. Her vampires sparkle. They angst, they sparkle, they don’t drink human blood, they sparkle, they look like Abercombie and Fitch models, they sparkle, and they have a creepily incestuous-seeming family. Did I mention her vampires sparkle?
Oh, and The Host sucks too. Imagine if the Goa’uld invaded Earth, but turned out to be a race of spineless whiners who have no culture or civilization of their own.
In case you actually put yourself through this ghastly soppy mess, please refresh your brain by examining this picture:
See? It erases some of Twilight’s toxic atmosphere. Ahhhh…
The Twilight Books (Which I will not call a saga because that implies something epic)
- Twilight – The whiniest brattiest girl in the universe moves to Forks for no real reason, where she and the local Rich Hot Boy mutually stalk each other. Obviously, this is true love. Oh yeah, and he’s a vampire that SPARKLES.
- New Moon – A papercut causes Edward to leave Forks, and Bella has a complete mental breakdown. Nobody really cares except for a nice werewolf boy that Bella is flirting with so she can get what she wants from him. Includes attempted suicide by public sparkling.
- Eclipse – Jacob is inexplicably in love with Bella. Bella is in love with Edward. She pretends to be torn, but we know she’s not. That’s basically the plot. Also: sparkle.
- Breaking Dawn – Bella and Edward finally have violent rapey sex, and immediately they spawn a back-breaking bloodthirsty mutant vampire baby Sue. Poor Jacob ends up engaged to a creepy little Suebaby. Who presumably sparkles too. No, we don’t find out if Edward’s penis sparkles, or if sex with him is like having sex with a creamsicle.
- Midnight Sun – Emo Edward is Emo. This is basically Twilight from the POV of another bland whiny stalkerish teenager with no depth, except he’s a sparkly sparkly vampire who wants to kill people. Edward is actually almost as annoying as Bella… which is quite an achievement!
- Life And Death – It’s the same story…. except Bella has a penis, and Edward is slightly manlier. It’s Twilight gender-flipped, to show that it’s totally not sexist… except it still is. Bravo, you misogynistic hack.
- The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner – You remember that girl who was in Eclipse? The vampire one? The one that died? No? Well, Smeyer wrote a whole book about her anyway.
- The Twilight Saga – The Official Illustrated Guide – All the information we already knew, and a lot of it that nobody cared about… and almost nothing that’s actually interesting.
Other Stories by Meyer
- The Host – The human race is possessed by Sue aliens that amazingly do not sparkle. Think the Goa’uld, but way whinier and less interesting.
- Love Is Hell – Smeyer’s first and (to date) only short story.
- Female Force – Stephenie Meyer Part 1 – What happens when a crappy author who writes crappy vampire tween-porn is immortalized in a crappy comic book with crappy art? This!
- Female Force – Stephenie Meyer Part 2
- Female Force – Stephenie Meyer Part 3
- Fame: Kristen Stewart – She’s such a rebel! Such a maverick! PLEASE BELIEVE US!
- Fame: Taylor Lautner – The least horrible of these comics… which still makes it shitty.
- Fame: Robert Pattinson – Or, the magic shape-changing face!
The Movie Snarks
- Twilight: The Movie – I don’t usually snark movies because it’s harder for the readers to follow, but I’m gonna give it a shot in here. So consider this a special super-awesome treat.
- Edward Cullen Is Coming To Town – A snarky Twilight Christmas carol!
- New Moon Chapter 11 Spoof – The April Fools chapter I mocked up of a “positive” snark on this awful, awful chapter.