Eclipse Preface

I’m just going to be really nitpicky and pedantic: this should be called a prologue, not a preface. A “preface” is usually an INTRODUCTION to a book. It’s sort of like the introductory paragraph of an essay, giving an idea of what the overall work is about.

This is not an introduction or a preceding sum-up. This is a teaser.

But I suspect Smeyer doesn’t read nonfiction… or anything else that doesn’t dazzle her with hawt menz. So she’s probably never read a preface in her life.

 
ALL OUR ATTEMPTS AT SUBTERFUGE HAD BEEN IN VAIN.

If you were a better liar, it might have worked.

 
With ice in my heart,

Can you really tell it apart from the usual iciness of her heart?

I watched him prepare to defend me.

Oh dear. I’m in such suspense. I wonder who “he” is. I cannot wait to find out. Whoever can it be?

His intense concentration betrayed no hint of doubt, though he was outnumbered.

Sure, they were all kindergarteners, but they were still more than a match for him. He was on the ground, sniveling and weeping uncontrollably, within seconds.

 
I knew that we could expect no help — at this moment, his family was fighting for their lives just as surely as he was for ours.

Which narrows down the options to… one guy.

Why the pretense at being suspenseful when we know this can only be Edturd? Sure, Jacob has a family… but that involves a non-powered guy in a wheelchair, and two women who don’t live near here. Plus, they’re female so they can’t fight. Nobody with a functioning uterus is allowed to do battle.

And given how much Bella hates Billy, I don’t think she considers him Jacob’s “family.” No, Jacob’s TRUE family is the Mormon Church Cullens, once he falls in love with a baby and puts aside Evil Native American Culture.

 
Would I ever learn the outcome of that other fight? Find out who the winners and the losers were? Would I live long enough for that?

Hopefully not… unless Satan’s plan works. Again.

Black eyes, wild with their fierce craving for my death,

… can Smeyer see me through the book? HOW IS THE SORCERESS SHE-DEVIL DOING THIS?

 
watched for the moment when my protector’s attention would be diverted. The moment when I would surely die.

Yeah yeah yeah. I don’t know who Smeyer thinks she’s fooling. Bella is her Sue, and therefore will live forever and never suffer any real consequences, injuries or problems.

Was ANYONE reading this really worried that Bella would die? Or Edward, Smeyer’s abusive sparkly eternally-underage dream man?

… was anyone with more brains than a squirrel worried?

 
Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a wolf howled.

I swear to you all, this was my first thought.

I suspect that’s what Smeyer thinks all American Indians wear.

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