Female Force – Stephenie Meyer Part 2

So what are the “juicy” parts of our dear Smeyer’s life?

Smiling evilly on a date with Lurch. Wow, that’s just SO juicy and fascinating.

Seriously, you have to TRY to get more boring than Smeyer’s life. This comic is positively breathless over the fact that… GASP! a college-aged woman went on a date! With a man! They sat at the same table without a chaperone! They drank Tang! A whole chapter of her long, riveting, scandalous biography could be devoted to this alone!

Also, she looks EVIL here. She looks like she’s scheming how to skin and eat him. And the guy looks like he’s a lobotomized Kryton with the edges sanded down.

I wish I were watching Red Dwarf now. At least in THAT story, the hopelessly loserish people are acknowledged as such. In this comic, they’re depicted as fascinating deep intellectual wellsprings of knowledge.

So anyway, the vampire says – Back to the story at hand. The COLLEGE DAYS. In which NOTHING INTERESTING happened AT all, or it would be INCLUDED in this CRAPPY comic BOOK.

Ah, so Kryten is her husband, who quit his job and became a househubby so his wife could fully devote herself to masturbating over sparkly teenage boys. Either he has the patience of a saint, or he’s waiting for the optimal time to grab half her fortune in the divorce.

And since nobody in the world actually cares, the comic informs us that Well, more accurately met him AGAIN. They first met SIXTEEN YEARS EARLIER… But since it was during a cannibalistic riot, nobody really thought about two four-year-olds meeting each other.

… and… so what? They met before when they were freaky little kids who look exactly like their older selves. Seriously, does this author realize that little kids don’t have perfectly coiffed hair and faces exactly like they will as adults?

And… what the hell are they sitting on? It looks like the edge of a sandbox, but look! No sand! It’s some sort of wall going around a playground with the WORST PERSPECTIVE IN THE WORLD…. and I don’t know why. Does the playground regularly get invaded by guinea pigs, so they had to erect a tiny wall to keep them out?

Also, note that that woman back there has no feet. Lovely.

reels back in horror

What?! You’re telling me that they didn’t instantly feel a burning sexual obsessive passion for each other, eclipsing all other relationships and driving them to suicide if they couldn’t dry-hump every day?! How could Smeyer marry someone who wasn’t her TROO LURV?!


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