New Moon Chapter 11

In case you’re wondering where the April Fools chapter went, it’s right here.

What happens in this chapter? Well, you know all that buildup to Victoria wanting to attack Bella, and Laurent prowling around wanting to kill her?

Yeah, that has nothing to do with this chapter. Or… anything else in this book, really. So to anyone expecting a plot here, Smeyer has one thing to say to you: neener neener.

EACH TIME THAT I OPENED MY EYES TO THE MORNING light and realized I’d lived through another night was a surprise to me.

Me too. I mean, Charlie has been living with her for a whole YEAR. Can you imagine living with Bella Swan for a year and not strangling her in her sleep?

I could tell he was worried—watching me jump at any loud sound, or my face suddenly go white for no reason that he could see.

… I can see why. Those are not normal reactions to… anything.

But for some reason, after a year of spending time watching Bella act like an insane spaz, suddenly NOW her weird behavior is making Charlie worry. I would have thought he would have stopped noticing. And since stereotypical sitcom dads blame everything teenage girls do on boys, he thinks it’s all Jacob’s fault.

I smell impending douchery.

The terror that was always foremost in my thoughts usually distracted me from the fact that another week had passed, and Jacob still hadn’t called me.

“It took a threat against my life for me to stop fixating on a hot boy who was actually treating me like just a friend after I gave him the Just A Friend speech!”

But when I was able to concentrate on my normal life—if my life was really ever normal—this upset me.
I missed him horribly.

Of course she does. Bella’s life is empty and pointless unless she is has a guy to obsess on. And if he takes five minutes away from her to use the little boy’s room, she’s devastated and lonely. She’s like one half of Richandamy.

In the Twilight world, they’re just in TROO LUV.

And since Bella can’t get through math class without a BIG STRONG MAN to center her life around, she’s more upset about Jacob ditching her than about her IMPENDING DEATH. Most people would care more about being torn limb-from-limb by an angry vampire played by Rachelle Lefevre and/or Bryce Dallas Howard, but nope! Bella’s first priority is always to find a penis to obey!

It had been bad enough to be alone before I was scared silly. Now, more than ever, I yearned for his carefree laugh and his infectious grin. I needed the safe sanity of his homemade garage and his warm hand around my cold fingers.

Yes, she doesn’t actually care about HIM. She just wants him to make her feel good because her boyfriend ditched her.

And to Bella’s horror, she is still being ignored by the Black family. She also suspects that Jacob’s father is deliberately blocking her calls, since that is the only possible explanation for nobody being at home. So she continues PHONE-STALKING the house every day, including ALL FRICKING DAY on Wednesday.

Thursday I sat in my truck in front of my house—with the locks pushed down—

Yes, I’m sure car locks will keep out the vampires.

I was arguing with myself, trying to justify a quick trip to La Push, but I couldn’t do it.

I just couldn’t bring myself to miss Real Housewives of Phoenix!

So she’s come to the conclusion that Laurent has alerted Victoria, and therefore she will put her darling Jacob IN DANGER if she goes to La Push to see him. Um, it’s been a WEEK, you dumb bitch. If they were going to jump out of the bushes and kill you, THEY PROBABLY WOULD HAVE DONE THIS ALREADY.

What if they caught up to me when Jake was nearby? As much as it hurt me, I knew it was better for Jacob that he was avoiding me. Safer for him.

Yes, keep telling yourself that to justify the fact that he has been IGNORING YOUR ASS.

Nighttime was the most likely time that they would come looking for me, and what could I say to get Charlie out of the house?

… no, the most likely time for them to come looking for her is sometime when Charlie isn’t there, like the period after school. Or during his all-day fishing trips. I mean, they’ve been patient for six months, so what’s a few more days?

Oh, and why does she come to the conclusion that NIGHTTIME is the most likely period? Guess what time it was when she first encountered Laurent and Victoria!

Yes! It was the middle of the friggin’ day! Clearly they don’t care what time it is when they pounce on and eat people. Your logic is full of fail!

If I told him the truth, he’d have me locked up in a rubber room somewhere. I would have endured that—welcomed it, even—if it could have kept him safe.

Let’s all swoon about how selfless Bella is. You’ll stop in a minute or two, once you see the “brilliant” Bella’s master plan is.

But Victoria would still come to his house first, looking for me. Maybe, if she found me here, that would be enough for her. Maybe she would just leave when she was done with me.


So she’s going to continue to endanger Charlie just out of the belief that if Victoria checks Charlie’s house and Bella isn’t there, she’ll kill Charlie. There’s no reason to think she WILL, especially since we later learn that she’s in the area for a very, very long time. In fact, she’s been in Seattle FOR MONTHS.

But yeah, obviously she’s going to attack Charlie if Bella goes out for a little while. That’s the only LOGICAL conclusion to come to. She couldn’t, I dunno, come by and detect that Bella’s not home, then leave when it’s obvious she’s not! No! The only thing she would EVER do in her revenge plot against Edward is kill his girlfriend’s DAD if his girlfriend isn’t home. LOGIC!

No, Bella must selflessly stay in the same house as the person she’s trying to “save” while dangerous vampires are after her, in the feeble hope that if she stays there, the vampire will break into the house, kill her, and not kill HIM. Because yes, the only way to keep your loved ones safe when you’re being hunted by killers is to STAY AS CLOSE TO THEM AS POSSIBLE.

That… is the laziest thing I’ve ever heard. Nah, Bella can’t be bothered to actually LEAVE THE TOWN to save her dad. That would be too much work. So she actually works out a fake scenario where this is a GOOD idea.

It’s also stupid because I’m pretty sure that the vampires – with their supercalifragilisticexpialidocious senses – would be able to tell if Bella left. If they dropped by days later, they would be able to smell that she hadn’t been there in awhile, and would start looking for her ELSEWHERE. They would also have the speed to restrain, gag and kill her – or abduct her if they wanted to take their time – before she had a chance to make a fuss.

In fact, it would be crazy easy. I mean, getting into Bella’s bedroom isn’t hard at ALL, especially for a vampire.

So I couldn’t run away. Even if I could, where would I go? To Reneé? I shuddered at the thought of dragging my lethal shadows into my mother’s safe, sunny world. I would never endanger her that way.


You are eighteen. You are LEGALLY AN ADULT. You can join the army, get married, be tried as an adult, and all sorts of other fun things (except drinking). You do not have to live with your parents anymore.

So why the hell is Bella not packing her things, telling Charlie she’s going on a road trip, and holing up in a motel with the money from her college fund? Oh wait, because if Victoria comes by the house several days later, she’ll be so enraged that she’ll kill Charlie for shits and giggles… instead of, you know, HUNTING BELLA. Even though she has no reason to do so, and she’s much more likely to kill Charlie if he hears someone breaking into the house and attacking the daughter he allegedly loves.

But enough of life-threatening vampire attacks! We have to devote the rest of the friggin’ book (which is nowhere NEAR finished) to supernatual dicks attached to supernatural dicks. Because yeah, things like killer vampires attacking isn’t INTERESTING! We have to follow Bella’s 24/7 obsession with men and how her life is empty and worthless unless she has one to obsess on. I’m so happy I could vomit.

So that evening, Charlie decides to call Harry Clearwater to ask about his best friend in the world… whom he hasn’t seen in weeks,

Charlie warned me not to make a nuisance of myself—Jacob would call when he got around to it.

A nuisance? She’s STALKING the Blacks. She’s been told explicitly to stay away, but in this chapter she seriously considers kidnapping Jacob because he isn’t paying enough attention to her.

And that Friday, Bella comes to the genius conclusion that EVERY SINGLE READER has already figured out. Wait, you mean reading Jane Austen occasionally doesn’t make you brilliant? I’M SO SHOCKED!

Jacob avoiding me. Charlie saying he looked strange, upset….Billy’s vague, unhelpful answers.

“Jacob just realized he’s gay! It all makes sense now! THAT’S why he didn’t come rushing over to bask in my presence! It’s the only possible explanation!”
“Wait, stop, nothing doing!”
“Who is that?”
“It’s the author, Stephenie Meyer.”
“Wait, what?”
“I have come from on high to tell you that that cannot be the answer you are seeking. Jacob cannot be gay.”
“Why not?”
“Because gay people do not exist. Everyone knows that.”
“What? Of course they exist.”
“No they don’t. They’re mythical.”
“Like unicorns?”
“Don’t be stupid. Unicorns exist! They’re sparkly and telepathic!”
“Um… gay people do exist. There are pride parades and gay celebrities. They can adopt kids, and even marry in some states.”
“Look, you stupid little bitch. They don’t exist in MY WORLD. In my world, they’re imaginary, just like single people and book plots.”
“That’s stupid.”
“Shut up. You’re MY self-insert, so you have to do what I say!”

Holy crow, I knew exactly what was going on with Jacob.

Stop saying “holy crow.” It makes you sound even stupider than you are.

So what is this shocking revelation? Why, it’s the answer I came to a couple chapters ago: that Jacob has joined up with Sam Uley’s little “cult.”

He hadn’t given up on me at all, I realized with a rush of feeling.

Yes, because the intervention of an EVIL CULT is the only reason that a guy would stop being interested in Bella Swan. Because she’s just so lovable!

So now Bella is faced with a difficult choice:

  1. She can maintain her track record of being useless and passive, but be without a male to fixate on.
  2. … or she can go rushing out to save Jacob, which would require getting off her doughy ass.

What a decision!

If I went looking for Jacob, I risked the chance of Victoria or Laurent finding me with him.
If I didn’t go after him, Sam would pull him deeper into his frightening, compulsory gang.

So I decided to just lie limply by the side of the road until Jacob decided to drive by, THEN I would confront him. It’s brilliant!

No, Bella decides that since it’s been a whole week, the vampires probably won’t come after her during the daytime or anything. Yeah, a few minutes ago she was all “oh woe, they will be here any second now!”, but as soon as she gets the chance to hunt down a hot male and cling to him like a whiny remora, suddenly it’s not dangerous at all. Guh, she disgusts me.

The chances of them following me to La Push were much lower than the chance of losing Jacob to Sam.

“Jacob’s not allowed to date Sam! He’s supposed to pine after me until I pop out a monster kid, then he should become a pedophile.”

So Bella decides that it’s worth risking the lives of Jacob and a bunch of other innocent people because hey, she can’t “lose” Jacob to anyone else. Yeah, she doesn’t give a shit about any of the other boys, just Jacob since she wants to use him as human valium.

And how does our brilliant heroine plan to deal with this?

I was going to talk to Jacob—kidnap him if I had to. I’d once seen a PBS show on deprogramming the brainwashed.







That was a joke, right? I mean, it was meant to be sarcasm or something, right?







It’s not a joke.

Dear Lord, that was meant SERIOUSLY. Bawla is SERIOUSLY claiming that she can DEPROGRAM A BRAINWASHED PERSON because she… saw a show about it on PBS. While I find it totally plausible that Bella never watches anything other than PBS and is stupid enough to think that deprogramming can be done before dinnertime… I can’t believe that an editor actually saw that and left it in!

I mean, if watching an hourlong special on brainwashing can make you expert enough to deprogram a brainwashed person, then clearly a little knowledge can turn you into an expert. I read a pamphlet on knitting and now I can make my own socks. I read a book on voodoo and now I’m a Voodoo Queen. I watched an episode of Sherlock Holmes and now the cops beg me for my crime-solving expertise!

To make this even stupider, Bella is planning to KIDNAP Jacob. Yes, she’s going to kidnap the boy who’s twice her size and has actual muscles, as opposed to being a doughy out-of-shape teen girl with no special physical strength or skills. Who is surrounded by OTHER boys who are twice her size and have actual muscles. That can only end well.

Also, how the hell does she plan to keep him captive while she does that magical 3-hour deprogramming? She lives in a small house with her dad; there’s no mention of a shed, basement or attic. Is she planning to chain up the sexy teen boy in her bedroom and hope the TOWN SHERIFF just doesn’t notice the shouts from her closet?

I swear, this sounds like a sucky, racist version of Black Snake Moan.

Also, note that Bella apparently has decided that Jacob’s DAD isn’t in a position to decide whether his son is in a cult and needs to be deprogrammed. No, the person who decides this is a bland, clingy, borderline deranged chick who has been STALKING him because he hasn’t been spending all his time with her. Yeah, it’s not like his FATHER cares about him, huh?

Speaking of racism… since there’s no un-awkward place to put this, I’m also going to comment on the implications of Bella trying to “save” Jacob from Sam’s “cult.” Specifically, they’re kind of… racist.

I’d like to preface by saying that it pisses me off when people see racism where there is none, because you hurt innocent people and just diminish the impact of REAL racism when it does pop up. And I am not First Nations/American Indian/Native American, but if I were, I would be damn proud of my heritage. Well I am proud of my heritage, but not of THAT heritage because I’m not… never mind.

Think about it: Jacob is spending almost all his time on tribal lands. He’s spending it with other boys from his tribe. He’s doing this with the approval of the tribe’s elders. He’s basically immersed in his people right now… and Bella – the self-insert of a white Mormon woman – cannot stand this and wants to “rescue” him so he can spend all his time with her.

She wants to rescue a Native American boy… from the “cult” of his own people.

As I’ve commented elsewhere, I am not saying that all Mormons are racist, or even that most are. And I’m trying to be as inoffensive as possible… which is not easy for me, because people tend to discriminate against MY religion and so I like to piss them off. But keep in mind that the Mormon church once had an entire PROGRAM devoted to taking Indian children from their families, indoctrinating them in LDS beliefs and stamping out any unique cultural identity that they or their families had. And now Bella – self-insert of a Mormon woman old enough to remember the program – is desperate to snatch Jacob away from his family, friends and tribe so… she can “deprogram” him of those connections.

As if that wasn’t questionable enough, recall that the series ends with Jacob and a few other Indian werewolves being welcomed into the fold of the white Mormon-ideal vampires. Whether their skin turns “white and delightsome” is unmentioned. The main point is that the werewolves’ “happy ending” is to be isolated from their people and culture, so they can join the “family” of the white wealthy Mormon vampires.

Think about the implications of THAT.

I’m not going to claim that Smeyer deliberately put “Indians should be ‘deprogrammed’ of their culture and join the white Mormons” subtext into her story. But again…. if your religion/culture has a history of racist teachings, you should be extra super amazingly careful to not include something that offensive. Especially if your depiction of American Indians is FUCKING RACIST.

So because Bella must rescue Jacob from the evil cult of Native American culture, she decides to call the police. No, I’m not joking. She’s decided that the only reason a boy would spend time with his friends instead of her, is because he’s been brainwashed into an evil cult, and that the police should intervene.

She calls the police…. because a boy isn’t paying attention to her.

That’s stupidity worthy of Radio Dead Air.

“Dad, it’s Bella.”
“What’s wrong?”

“Like, I figured out what’s wrong with Jacob. He’s not paying attention to me so, like, there’s only one possible answer!”
“What’s that?”
“Well, he’s spending lots of time with other Indian boys at the reservation! That means he’s been brainwashed into the evil cult of Native American culture! You should go down there even though you have no jurisdiction, and arrest anyone who isn’t a hot teenage boy!”
“I know he’s been brainwashed! There’s no other explanation for why a guy wouldn’t spend all his time panting after me!”

“I’m worried about Jacob.”
“Why?” he asked, surprised by the unexpected topic.

“Usually you don’t notice anyone else’s problems.”
“Daaaaaad, you know I’m selfless and never pay attention to myself!”

“I think…I think something weird is going on down at the reservation. Jacob told me about some strange stuff happening with the other boys his age. Now he’s acting the same way and I’m scared.”

“Well, sweetie, have you considered that he might be gay?”
“STOP SAYING THAT! Gay people do not exist!”
“Who was that?!”

So Bella mentions Sam Uley’s name, and Charlie immediately decides that she’s wrong. Yeah, because any halfway decent cop decides that random people are saints, and refuses to even entertain the possibility that those people could POSSIBLY be involved in anything illegal. And I don’t mean people they love or are related to – I mean people they’ve never even spoken to before.

Then again, Smeyer doesn’t seem to realize that a random small-town cop has NO jurisdiction on a reservation.

“I think you’ve got it wrong, Bells. Sam Uley is a great kid. Well, he’s a man now. A good son. You should hear Billy talk about him. He’s really doing wonders with the youth on the reservation.”

  1. “He has them doing scrapbooking and chaperoned dances and all sorts of wholesome family-friendly things!”
  2. See how long Billy’s opinion matters to him.
  3. The “wonders” Charlie refers to are basically a bunch of teenagers hanging out together in very little clothing.
  4. Nor is he involved with most of the “youth” on the reservation. What, does Charlie/Smeyer think that there are maybe ten kids on reservations? Uley gets involved with only a handful, and the non-werewolves can just get fucked.
  5. And it’s not like the reservation boys were a bunch of delinquents before. The worst thing they did was have a bonfire to celebrate the Cullens getting their sparkly asses out of the area… and I don’t think that’s actually illegal. It just pissed Charlie off because he thinks the Cullens are gods.
  6. Not that Smeyer would know about ACTUAL problems on reservations. Nah, she’s more concerned with the woes of middle-class white suburbanites who marry into insane wealth, and how haaaaarrrddd their lives are.
  7. And note the comment that this whole thing revolves around: “A good son.” Once again, Charlie’s entire opinion of a person boils down to how smothering their family relationships are.
  8. Like when he decided that the Cullens were wonderful, amazing people based on the fact that he had never arrested any of them, and they spent all their time together instead of having FRIENDS.
  9. So creepy child molesters who dote on their parents are good people. A straight-A kid who wants to be a doctor and distances himself from his abusive junkie mother? HORRIBLE EVIL PERSON who should probably be in jail.

So since he knows from second-hand accounts that Sam Uley is “a good son,” Charlie is now 110% on his side and won’t even entertain the possibility that he’s doing something wrong. Wow, I wish I lived in Forks. Clearly the constabulary is top-notch! If you got mugged, raped or attacked by anybody Charlie likes, he’d just dismiss the victim’s accounts because hey, that guy is a good son! With a cop like him in charge, they must feel SO safe.

He was trying to soothe me now. I’d lost him as soon as I’d mentioned Sam.

“Now now, Bella. You know that as a girl, you’re functionally retarded and must be treated as such. Ah, these little women and their funny fancies!”

And note that he doesn’t disbelieve Bella because she’s a delusional ho and has been stalking Jacob and his family for the PAST FEW WEEKS. He disbelieves her because she dares to speak ill of Sam Uley!

“Well, Bella, then I’m sure it’s okay. Jacob’s a kid; he was probably just messing around. I’m sure he’s fine. He can’t spend every waking minute with you, after all.”

“But daaaaaaaad, real friendship means spending all your time with ME when I want it, and conveniently vanishing when I don’t!”

“This isn’t about me,” I insisted, but the battle was lost.

Yeah, you keep insisting that Bella is stalking Jacob purely out of selfless caring. She’s already admitted that she only wants him because he’s human valium.

“Charlie . . .” My voice was starting to sound whiney.

“Chaaaarrrrliiiiiieeee… THIS ISN’T FAAAAAIIIIIIRRRR! I want Jacob around to make sure I don’t have a gaping chest wound because my boyfriend dumped me months ago! Why isn’t everyone thinking about poor selfless little me?!”

Being a good cop who refuses to investigate anything that Sam Uley or the Cullens might be doing, Charlie basically tells her to fuck off because he’s still investigating the mysterious attacks by animals that AREN’T bears, but for some reason the authorities keep insisting that they are.

It must not have come to a confrontation, then. Laurent must have simply outrun the wolves, but why? What I’d seen in the meadow just got stranger and stranger—more impossible to understand.

It’s not impossible, you dumb bint. He was scared of them. He ran. Not hard to comprehend.

Also, note that the one thing Bawla never even considers is that the Cullens were bullshitting her about how invincible they are. Especially since Edward lives his whole life in delusions of how scary and dangerous he is.

Having been shrugged off by her dad, Bella decides to call Billy and demand that he serve up his son’s dick on a silver platter to the Whiny Goddess of Phoenix.

“Hey, Billy,” I almost growled.

I suspect Bella’s “growls” sound like a droning whine.

So Billy announces that Jake isn’t home, and that “He’s out with his friends.” GASP! A character with a normal social life! And he’s interacting with non-white people! THIS MUST END!

Billy confirms that he’s not with Quil, but is with Embry, so now Bella knows that Jacob has been brainwashed by evil Native American culture. Note that she doesn’t care how BILLY feels about this, or whether he considers Jacob’s involvement to be okay. No, he’s part of the EVIL CONSPIRACY and cares nothing for his son’s well-being, and only the whiny white girl knows what’s right for Jacob.

Again, kinda racist.

That was enough for me. Embry was one of them.

He was one of the Native American bodysnatchers.

Billy brushes her off since, you know, she’s a GURL and nobody pays attention to them. So Bella actually drives to La Push so she can stalk Jacob openly instead of just implicitly.

I’d sit out front of his house all night if I had to. I’d miss school. The boy was going to have to come home sometime, and when he did, he was going to have to talk to me.

“Even if Billy called the cops and had me dragged away in handcuffs for trespassing and stalking his son, I’d still refuse to go! Even if he got a restraining order against me, I’d dig a tunnel into their basement!”

Then she notices Quil walking by the side of the road. Even from behind, I was sure it was Quil, though he looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. What was with these Quileute boys? Were they feeding them experimental growth hormones? Yes, the uneducated Native Americans not only turn into big hairy savage beasts, but they also are big, overmuscled slabs of sexualized animality… unlike the refined, slender white vampires.

Again, kinda racist.

If he had “russet” skin, you’d have a picture of how she sees Indians.

Quil’s expression frightened me more than it surprised me. His face was bleak, brooding, his forehead creased with worry.

“But I didn’t care about HIS problems! Time to manipulate another boy into giving me what I want!”

I’m not even joking. Bella offers him a ride, and immediately makes it clear that she did it just to pump him for info. Our heroine. And even though we already knew he was part of Uley’s gang, Quil confirms it for us AGAIN.

“And before that—did he avoid everyone? Was he acting upset?”

“Well, he did say that he was thinking about coming out of the closet-”
“Why is there a voice coming out of the sky?”

“What do you think it is? Drugs or something?”

“Is Sam Uley feeding them… NYQUIL or some other brainwashing drug?!”

Quil finally says that he doesn’t know what else it could be, and that the older people aren’t really worried about what’s going on. He’s also afraid that he’s next on the list.

That was the second time I’d heard it described as a cult. I shivered.

Again, it turns out this is not a cult. But I can see why Bella might mistake Native American traditions as one!

So since Quil has fulfilled his only non-squicky role in this story, he hops out. And Bella parks in front of Jacob’s house so she can stalk him.

I waved once and smiled a tight smile, but stayed where I was.
His eyes narrowed; he let the curtain fall across the glass.

Five minutes later, a police car arrived.

I was prepared to stay as long as it took, but I wished I had something to do. I dug up a pen out of the bottom of my backpack, and an old test. I started to doodle on the back of the scrap.

Mrs. Cullen
Mrs. Edward Cullen
Mrs. Bella Cullen
Mrs. Bella Queen of the Vampires

So then Jacob appears, but he’s very different.

The first thing I noticed was his hair—his beautiful hair was all gone, cropped quite short, covering his head with an inky gloss like black satin.

I’m going to assume that Smeyer doesn’t realize how offensive that is. Long hair is very important to many Native American peoples, and is a part of their cultures. You don’t casually lop it off.

Also, why is his hair short? What, does long hair interfere with turning into a giant werewolf? Bullshit!

His neck and his shoulders were different, too, thicker somehow. His hands, where they gripped the window frame, looked enormous, with the tendons and veins more prominent under the russet skin.

Again, oversexualized slabs of man-meat, unlike the refined “beautiful” white vampires.

It was his expression that made him almost completely unrecognizable.

Suddenly he was walleyed!

No, now he’s angry and pissed off, possibly because someone cut his hair for no reason: There was a darkness in Jacob now. Like my sun had imploded. Yes, he’s not a person unto himself… he’s HER sun.

Then she notices that other angry young men with their hair cut short are standing behind him.

The oldest by several years, Sam stood in the very back, his face serene and sure. I had to swallow back the bile that rose in my throat. I wanted to take a swing at him. No, I wanted to do more than that. More than anything, I wanted to be fierce and deadly, someone no one would dare mess with. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly.

Sorry, but she could be a ravening hellbeast and nobody would be scared of her. And she’s too passive to ever be “fierce.”

I mean, we’re talking about THIS chick:

Now, let’s see how she looks as a vampire.

Nope, she just looks like a mallgoth in a shampoo commercial. I can’t see someone as pathetic as Bella scaring ANYONE silly, no matter what she is. Unless smugness is really scary.

I wanted to be a vampire.

I’d say “duh,” but there aren’t enough “duhs” in the world to convey how stupidly obvious that is. Yeah, the girl who nagged and whined at her boyfriend to turn her wants to be a vampire.

So then Bella has a massive emogasm because OH NOES, she can’t be a vampire now because her boyfriend dumped her! PAIN! WANGST! WOE! EMO! LIFE IS PAIN!

Jacob just sort of stands there while Bella gasps, moans, paws at her imaginary chest injury, applies eyeliner and cuts herself. I love the idea of him just watching while she self-indulgently gyrates like the idiot she is.

It was the most forbidden of all wishes—

… except for my secret wish for Edward to tie me up and whip me while telling me how stupid I am! BDSM IS FORBIDDEN! EXCEPT IN FANFIC THAT IS LATER TURNED INTO SHITTY EROTIC FICTION!

Jacob is completely unimpressed with Bella’s whole act, and seems to be royally pissed off at her. Bella, being female, is weak and pathetic and oh-so-fragile.

His glare was vicious. I’d never seen him look at anyone like that, least of all me.

So basically, he’s looking at her the way any guy would look at Bella Swan.

It hurt with a surprising intensity—a physical pain, a stabbing in my head.

  1. I’m getting a little tired of Bella responding to ANY MALE REJECTION with phantom pains.
  2. Yes, we get it, you’re incapable of being without a guy doting on you, and you fake vague but painful symptoms whenever a guy gets fed up and leaves. Shut up.
  3. I wish somebody WOULD stab her in the head.

Bella demands to see him alone, and Sam Uley allows it.

He made a brief comment in an unfamiliar, liquid language—I could only be positive that it wasn’t French or Spanish, but I guessed that it was Quileute.

No shit, Sherlock. I’d totally expect a bunch of Quileute boys to be talking in FRENCH for no real reason.

And yes, I think this is meant to be another subtle sign that Bella is super-smart (oooh, she can recognize a couple of Romance languages! She reads books occasionally! SHE SO SMART), but it just makes her look like an idiot because she can only “guess” rather than deduce that it’s Quileute.

So the other boys leave, and Jacob just stands there while Bella drools on herself.

I took a deep breath. “You know what I want to know.”

“I need to know where you stashed all my marshmallow peeps!”

And no, I’m not sure why he should know what she wants to know. She’s made it clear she won’t date him, and she’s been using him as human Valium all this time. Why should he assume that his presence is THAT important to her?

So Bella wanders off into the trees with Jacob, and they have furry sex. Nah, that’s what the fanfic writers would say. Instead, Bella is amazed because now he’s not clumsy anymore. Oh woe!

I just got more and more angry that Jacob had gotten sucked in…that Billy had allowed this…that Sam was able to stand there so assured and calm….

How dare Billy allow his son to be exposed to Native American culture! Doesn’t he know that his son should only spend time with pasty pseudo-Mormons?!

So now Jacob announces that this… thing he’s in isn’t what he thought it was, and he refuses to tell Bawla.

My jaw tightened, and I spoke through my teeth. “I thought we were friends.”

“And by friends, I mean people who are there to serve my whims while expecting nothing from me in return.”

“We were.” There was a slight emphasis on the past tense.

“But then I realized you were just dangling me along so you wouldn’t be lonely because your boyfriend dumped you, without intending to ever actually do anything.”

As if we didn’t already know Bella is a colossal bitch, she acts MEGA-bitchy to Jacob, just making these ineffectual snipes about him and Sam. Honestly, she comes across as a jealous rejected harpy here, and her sarcastic jabs just make her look pathetic and bitter. Yet another charming characteristic that proves that Bella Swan is the worst nightmare of straight men everywhere.

The last sight that Bella Swan’s ex-boyfriend saw…

“But you don’t need friends anymore,” I said sourly.

Yeah, that girl who ditched all her “friends” when she got a hot rich boyfriend SURE BURNED YOU, Jacob!

And like most heterosexual men, just listening to Bella whine and snipe is working Jacob into a rage.

“Jacob, please,” I whispered. “Won’t you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help.”

  1. “I can stand here ineffectually and just whine a lot! That’ll help!”
  2. Let me guess. Bella’s “help” involves moving the Indian kid into her house to protect him from his evil culture.

But since no guy appeals to Bella unless he’s emo and tormented, Jacob starts groaning, “No one can help me now.” Which makes no fucking sense. I mean, his tribe is supposed to idolize the werewolf kids, so why would Jacob be all emo and whiny about it, as if this was something BAD? IT’S NOT SEEN AS A CURSE. IT’S SEEN AS A GIFT.

I reached out to him, as I had once before, stepping forward with my arms wide.

Ah, trying to string him along with almost-shippy gestures, just so you can reject him later on. So predictable.

This time he cringed away, holding his hands up defensively. “Don’t touch me,” he whispered.

“I’m afraid lameness might be contagious!”

Bella starts crying because Jacob refuses to hug her, and Jacob snarls at her to not blame Sam for him rejecting her. Yeah, normally I’d just think it was him coming to his senses. But since Bella can only be made more perfect by being turned into a vampire, it must be someone else’s fault. Hmmm, how about Sam? Yes, that evil Native American! The pasty bitchy white girl is just trying to save Jacob!

“Then who should I blame?” I retorted.

Hmmm… maybe the sociopathic bitch who kept stringing him along by refusing to either date him or say the words “just friends,” and then stalked him when he dared to spend time with OTHER PEOPLE?

When he says she doesn’t want to hear it, Bella starts screeching at him like a spoiled brat who got her favorite toy taken away. Which is pretty much how it is. She also accuses him of being brainwashed, which is funny coming from someone who devoted her every waking thought to the vampires as soon as she saw them.

But Jacob isn’t taking any of her shit. He just says,“If you want to blame someone, why don’t you point your finger at those filthy, reeking bloodsuckers that you love so much?”

Enjoy that quote. Let it sink into your soul and shine like a jeweled flower. Sadly, we will receive few such enjoyable moments in this crappy book.

Bella has a typically purple-prosey reaction, gawping at Jacob and going on about how she’s stabbed through with his double-edged words. The pain twisted in familiar patterns through my body, the jagged hole ripping me open from the inside out, but it was second place, background music to the chaos of my thoughts. I want to take a red pencil and stab through Stephenie Meyer’s prose. That is all.

Bella pretends that she has no idea what he’s talking about, which would be more effective if she hadn’t done her emo traumatized act as soon as he mentioned the Cullens. Jacob even points out that he can tell it.

“I think you understand exactly who I mean. You’re not going to make me say it, are you? I don’t like hurting you.”

Really? Because I would LOVE to hurt Bella.

I shook my head back and forth in denial, trying to clear it at the same time. How did he know this? And how did it have anything to do with Sam’s cult? Was it a gang of vampire-haters? What was the point of forming such a society when no vampires lived in Forks anymore? Why would Jacob start believing the stories about the Cullens now, when the evidence of them was long gone, never to return?

She really is an idiot. A smarter person might assume that the VAMPIRES ROAMING AROUND IN THE WOODS might have something to do with this. Or they might assume that hey, if the belief in vampires in rooted in fact, MAYBE THE WEREWOLVES ARE AS WELL.

And really, she thinks that a bunch of people would randomly group together JUST TO PICK ON VAMPIRE GROUPIES?! I know Bella thinks the universe revolves around her flat butt, but why would “haters” bother with someone as useless as her? Oh right, they wouldn’t.

It took me too long to come up with the correct response. “Don’t tell me you’re listening to Billy’s superstitious nonsense now,” I said with a feeble attempt at mockery.

Ultra feeble. Especially when she sits there drooling for five minutes beforehand.

Bella keeps sneering at Jacob’s father, apparently believing that everybody is as contemptuous of their parents as she is. Jacob makes some weird cryptic comments about the Cullens, and Bella freaks out.

I was surprised and distracted as the warning words came in Edward’s voice again, when I wasn’t even scared.
“Quiet now, Bella. Don’t push him,” Edward cautioned in my ear.

“I really don’t want you to realize that he’s a supernatural creature who could potentially snap and kill you at any moment. If you DID, you’d decide he was your soulmate.”

While Bella is talking to the voices in her head, Jacob gets sick of listening to her and starts back. So Bella yells after him: “You remember your friend, Quil? Yeah, he’s terrified.”… “He’s frightened that he’s next.” Yup, that’s how desperate she is – she’s actually talking about somebody other than herself.

Jacob immediately shows the same emo melodrama that Bella has been tormenting us with.

“He won’t be next,” Jacob muttered to himself. “He can’t be. It’s over now. This shouldn’t still be happening. Why? Why?” His fist slammed against the tree.

Again, why is he all emo about this? I know it’s the stereotype for werewolves and vampires in bad paranormal romances to be all tormented because “I’m a horrible monster now!”, because it’s cheap and dirty character “development.” But again, this is something he’s had time to get used to, and nobody on the rez sees him as monstrous. WHY IS HE WHINING?

“I have to get back.” He whirled and stalked away so swiftly that I had to jog to keep up.
“Back to Sam!”
“That’s one way of looking at it,” it sounded like he said. He was mumbling and facing away.

“I knew it! You ARE gay!”
“Wait, what was that voice? Was that God?”
“Just ignore it. It says that whenever I mention the word ‘gay’.”

“Go home, Bella. I can’t hang out with you anymore.”

“Your complete rejection of me just turns me on more!”
“What? Look, go away. I said I can’t hang with you.”
“Aren’t you going to tell me I’m stupid? That I’m worthless? How about laughing at me when I fall down?”
“What? NO!”

Since Bella is a weak pathetic girl and not a strong wonderful man, this comment causes her to burst into tears again.

“Are you…breaking up with me?” The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking. After all, what Jake and I had was more than any schoolyard romance. Stronger.

BULL. SHIT. What they had was Bella stringing Jacob along because he made her occasionally forget that her sparkly boyfriend dumped her worthless ass, and Jacob spending time with her because he was desperately hoping she would eventually date him. She didn’t pay attention when he was talking to her (since his conversation doesn’t turn Smeyer on), used him to brush off other would-be suitors, and generally treated him like a used kleenex.

That’s not more than a schoolyard romance. That is much, much LESS. That isn’t even a friendship.

Bella Swan is a lot like a passive version of Anita Blake. Both women expect every relationship to be all about other people doing stuff for them, while refusing to do anything for the other person/people. Bella literally contributes NOTHING to all her relationships – at the series end, even her kid is being raised by somebody else.

Yet we’re supposed to buy that she has this deep, strong relationship with Jacob… because Smeyer SAYS SO. No showing, just telling. Even though she’s spent the last chapter telling us over and over that Bella is desperate to see Jacob because he’s the human equivalent of medical pot.

“Jacob…why? Sam won’t let you have other friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!” The blank emptiness of my life before—before Jacob brought some semblance of reason back into it—reared up and confronted me. Loneliness choked in my throat.

You see? She’s not upset because her close friend is saying he doesn’t wanna be friends anymore, and she’s concerned for his well-being because he’s suddenly acting drastically different. She’s upset because SHE’S SO LONELY AND EMPTY WHEN HE’S NOT THERE TO DISTRACT HER FROM HER POOR WITTLE BROKEN HEART, O WOE! Cry tears of blood for Bella’s unhappiness, poor lamb!

I didn’t believe that this was really what Jacob wanted to say. It seemed like there was something else trying to be said through his angry eyes, but I couldn’t understand the message.

How about “Die in a fire, bitch”?

Now some of you might think that I’m being too hard on poor wittle Bella, given that I never miss an opportunity to snipe at her for being a cruel soulless grasping bitch whose life goal is to fuck a sparkly vampire. Well, here’s the reason WHY I hate her… well, the latest reason, anyway.

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t…before…I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob.” I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie. “Maybe…maybe I would change,” I whispered. “Maybe, if you gave me some time…just don’t quit on me now, Jake. I can’t take it.”







Allow me to express myself through pictures from animated series. Each one is worth a thousand words describing my hate for this.

I would like to point out this paragraph to every Twilight fangirl who thinks that Bella is a good person.

It is not “good” to casually use another person’s romantic feelings with no intention of reciprocating them, merely because you’d be “lonely” if there wasn’t someone spending all day every day with you. IT IS FUCKING VILE. And Bella has been doing that LITERALLY since she first met Jacob, when her way of finding out info about tribal legends was to flirt with him.

And now, to show just what a completely selfish, amoral person she is, Bella actually LIES to Jacob by implying that hey, maybe she’ll start liking him THAT WAY after all if he just doesn’t dump her worthless ass. And don’t give me any shit about how it’s only “almost” a lie. It’s a lie. She’s made it clear a thousand times that she doesn’t intend to date Jacob, and her boring internal monologue has made no reference to reconsidering this. She’s just saying whatever it takes to keep Jacob dancing attendance on her every day.

Again, note how she doesn’t even pretend that she gives a shit about Jacob or his well-being. It’s all “I can’t take it! My traumatized little emo self would just collapse!” I’m just shocked that, considering how much Bella wants supernatural dick, she doesn’t immediately start stripping off, awkwardly slap herself on the flat ass, and say, “You want this, right? Just don’t dump me, and you can do whatever you want!”

And the worst part? Smeyer expects us to sympathize with this mewling lump of bitchy selfishness.

We are supposed to be ON BELLA’S SIDE.

We are expected to feel SORRY for her.

WHAT. THE. HELL. No. A thousand times NO. I do not feel an ounce of sympathy for somebody who is as selfish and cruel as Bella, merely because she’s SAD and LONELY and wah wah wah her boyfriend dumped her and her heart is broken. She deserves to be lonely and sad, because of the way she’s treated Jacob.

And in a semi-realistic world, she would either realize that she was wrong, or she’d spend the rest of her dull, pointless existence being shunned whenever she pulled this shit on someone.

But this is Twilight, and the author’s Sue cannot be held accountable for any of the shit she does or says. So instead of telling Bella off and leaving, Jacob immediately claims that everything is his fault. BAH.

“No. Don’t think like that, Bella, please. Don’t blame yourself, don’t think this is your fault. This one is all me. I swear, it’s not about you.”

“I’m not good enough to be your friend anymore, or anything else. I’m not what I was before. I’m not good.”

I am suddenly filled with a desire to hunt down every copy of this book ever printed, and turn them into a bonfire. Yes, this is what the VICTIM of manipulation, lies and stalking says.


“What are you saying? You’re much better than I am, Jake.”

Finally, the bitch says something that isn’t a lie.

Jacob keeps being wangsty for no real reason, and then runs away from Bawla while she continues begging him not to go. Then she just stands there, drooling on herself while it rains on her. Oh poooooor tragic Bella! Don’t you feel SO sorry for her? She’s standing in the rain because she’s SO devastated and yet convinced that Jacob will come running back to her! It’s just like a bad romantic comedy! This is a signal that you should feel sympathy for her despite her being a sociopathic bitch with no redeeming qualities! FEEL SYMPATHY FOR HER, DAMMIT!

In fact, Bella is SO pathetic that maybe a few hours later, Billy eventually comes rolling out and announces that he’s already informed Billy that Bella is on her way home. I doubt it was Smeyer’s intention to make Bella look like a pathetic delusional loser, but that’s what she’s doing.

So she drives home, emoing all the way. And since he’s acting weird and tormented, does Bella keep thinking about Jacob and how she can help him? HELL NO. She thinks about herself! Who else would Bella Swan think about?

Not as bad! Not as bad! my mind tried to comfort me. It was true. This wasn’t as bad. This wasn’t the end of the world, not again. This was just the end of what little peace there was left behind. That was all.


Come on, am I supposed to take this shit seriously? We’re supposed to think that poor wittle Bella is THIS devastated over a guy she not only wasn’t dating, but never would have spent time with if he hadn’t been the human version of medicinal pot? She couldn’t even be bothered to listen to Jacob when he talks, but supposedly their relationship is SO deep that him ending it just devastates poor wittle her.

Honestly, this comes across as three possible things:

  1. Bella just takes any opportunity to spaz out, be emo and whine a lot.
  2. Bella freaks out if she doesn’t have a hot teenage male to stalk, and basically revolve her entire life around.
  3. All of the above.

I’d thought Jake had been healing the hole in me—or at least plugging it up,

Well, plugging your hole is pretty much what he wanted to do, you dumbass. Otherwise, why would he hang out with you?

I’d been wrong. He’d just been carving out his own hole, so that I was now riddled through like Swiss cheese. I wondered why I didn’t crumble into pieces.

Swiss cheese has more than two holes in it, you know. And ferfucksake, SHE WASN’T EVEN DATING THE GUY. Maybe if she had a LIFE, somebody deciding to end a friendship wouldn’t make her go all emo.

So she gets home, and for some reason Charlie actually cares about how she feels.

“Billy called. He said you got in fight with Jake—said you were pretty upset,” he explained as he opened my door for me.

Yeah, here’s a funny little nitpick that the editor didn’t notice. A few paragraphs ago, Billy said that Charlie called him. Here, Charlie claims that Billy called him.

And this is from an author who claims she edits “obsessive-compulsively.” Then again, she IS only typing with one hand.

Then he looked at my face. A kind of horrified recognition registered in his expression. I tried to feel my face from the inside out, to know what he was seeing. My face felt empty and cold, and I realized what it would remind him of.

“Oh shit. Does this mean I have to put up with six more months of you sitting around like a dead lump?”

So Bawla gives him the briefest and least informative response imaginable, then goes off to take a shower. Of course, she is so sad and lonely that even the hot water can’t warm her up.

And when she comes downstairs, Bawla hears Charlie talking to Billy on the phone. Now, honestly Charlie comes across as one of the more endearing characters in the series… which isn’t saying much.

But seriously: this dude is the WORST friend in the world. Recall that in Twishite he actually got into a fight with Billy, a guy he’s known and been friends with for YEARS, over the Cullens. He didn’t even know them and had apparently never even spoken to them, but he decided that they were wonderful people because he hadn’t ARRESTED any of them yet (despite Edward breaking every traffic law in existence) and GOT ANGRY at his old friend when he dared to suggest otherwise.

And in this one… well, he flies off the handle and blames Jacob and the others because his daughter is having her second massive emotional meltdown in a year. Yeah, it can’t possibly be something wrong with HER, it must be THEIR fault!

“Don’t you put this on Bella!” Charlie suddenly shouted.

“Don’t you dare blame her for her own actions! This isn’t that kind of a book!”

“Bella’s made it very clear all along that she and Jacob were just friends….”

Yeah, except to Jacob. He had to pry it out of her mouth the last time they saw each other, and she didn’t want to say it at all. Oh, how I love it when writers clumsily try to retcon their characters’ bad behavior.

“No, Billy, I think she’s right about this….Because I know my daughter, and if she says Jacob was scared before—”

Yeah, because if there’s one person you can trust, it’s Bawla. She NEVER lies.

And funny how he didn’t believe her at ALL earlier in the chapter, and brushed off all her concerns. But once she gets all mopey, suddenly he totally believes everything she says!

“What do you mean I don’t know my daughter as well as I think I do!”

Well, even if you leave out the whole “she’s a vampire groupie” thing, she’s emotionally unstable, a stalker, and incapable of living without a guy to center her life around.

“If you think I’m going to remind her about that, then you had better think again. She’s only just starting to get over it, and mostly because of Jacob, I think.”

Yes, because it’s totally healthy to “get over” something by using someone else.

“If whatever Jacob has going on with this Sam character sends her back into that depression, then Jacob is going to have to answer to me. You’re my friend, Billy, but this is hurting my family.”

  1. Charlie clearly doesn’t know how friends are supposed to act.
  2. Here’s a hint: you don’t pick a fight with your “friend” because his son decided to spend time with other people instead of devoting EVERY SINGLE DAY to your daughter.
  3. Funny how the “good son” Sam suddenly is a sinister villain, when earlier in the SAME CHAPTER Charlie refused to hear a negative word about him.
  4. From that daughter he supposedly “knows” so well and trusts the opinion of… even though he won’t listen to her when she says stuff. Yeah, that’s Smeyer continuity.
  5. And it’s just fucking stupid that he apparently feels that Jacob is now REQUIRED to spend time with Bella just to maintain her emotional well-being, and THREATENS Jacob if his stupid daughter decides to have another meltdown because a guy doesn’t wanna see her anymore.
  6. What, does he plan to spend his WHOLE LIFE following that idiot Bella around, so he can threaten any guy who dumps her whining worthless ass and sends her into another meltdown?
  7. And it apparently never occurs to him that hey, maybe it’s ABNORMAL to completely collapse every time a guy either dumps you or breaks off a friendship with you. No, it must be the fault of the GUYS. They must have done something! It isn’t because of poor wittle fragile weak Bawla!

“You got that right—those boys set one toe out of line and I’m going to know about it. We’ll be keeping an eye on the situation, you can be sure of that.” He was no longer Charlie; he was Chief Swan now.

Chief Swan, dirty cop who threatens teenage boys who ignore his daughter. I’m so glad I don’t live in Forks, since apparently he’ll try to arrest your ass if his daughter gets upset by you.

And it’s doubly stupid because guess what! Tribal land isn’t under his jurisdiction, so Douchus Maximus is threatening to break federal law.

So Billy was going to blame me. I was leading Jacob on and he’d finally had enough.

  1. Well, DUH, you stupid bint. You WERE leading Jacob on, and I don’t see why his father should just chuckle indulgently and let you hurt him.
  2. Or is Charlie the only one who gets to be defensive about his kid?
  3. Also note how Bella acknowledges that she was leading Jacob on, but we’re not supposed to blame her or anything. She certainly doesn’t show any signs of blaming HERSELF.
  4. And she’s SUCH a wonderful person that she doesn’t even bother to interrupt her dad and admit she led him on. Nah, she’d rather her dad wreck his longtime friendship than admit she has a flaw.

There was much more to this than an unrequited crush,

Yeah, she’s totally upset about this because she’s afraid for poor Jacob. Oh wait, she’s not. She’s oh-so-traumatized only because she doesn’t have Jacob as her medicinal pot.

and it surprised me that Billy would stoop to claiming that.

Why? As far as he can see, it’s pretty much the truth. Sounds like he pretty much said the facts, and didn’t bother making excuses about Jacob spending time with Sam and Co.

It made me think that whatever secret they were keeping was bigger than I’d been imagining.

Which isn’t saying much. Unlike Han Solo, she can’t imagine very much. I mean, she thinks Abercrombie & Fitch vampires are awesome and scary.

At least Charlie was on my side now.

Yeah, until Bella accuses somebody he likes. Then he’ll just ignore her, because she’s just a dumb little woman.

So having been whiny, ineffectual and creepy all in one day, it’s time for bed. Bella cries herself to sleep in a pathetic attempt to make the readers feel sorry for her, and has another O-SO-SYMBOLIC DREAM!

It was a new dream tonight. Rain was falling and Jacob was walking soundlessly beside me, though beneath my feet the ground crunched like dry gravel.

“And then I realized that I was so ridiculously clumsy that I had broken all the bones in my feet, and that was where the crunching came from!”

So as if the racist undertones of the book weren’t strong enough, Jacob turns into the whiter-than-white Edward and thus becomes so beautiful that it shattered my heart. Cuz see, he’s WHITE now, so he’s beautiful! He wasn’t before, cuz he’s “russet”! That’s how it works! Get me a bucket so I can show my feelings on this.

It’s even worse when you consider that program I mentioned before. Ugh.

So Bella wakes up crying, and whines some more. At this point, I’m praying for Victoria and/or Laurent to show up and rip her whiny head off.

That’s when I heard the noise that must have wakened me in the first place. Something sharp scraped along the length of my window with a high-pitched squeal, like fingernails against the glass.

THANK YOU, GOD. Please tell me that the next chapter involves a slow bloody death.

And because this chapter is so wretched and stupid, here are some cute animals doing cute things. They dull the pain of Bella’s endless whining.


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