New Moon Chapter 12

So now Bella is about to die a horrible and gruesome death… except this is Twilight, and Stephenie Meyer is allergic to action. And Bella is her Sue. FUCK ME, this is going to be horribly anticlimactic, isn’t it?

So Bella wakes up because something is scraping her window, and immediately assumes that it must be Victoria and/or Laurent. Um, why would they scratch her window? Wouldn’t they just hurtle through and kill her? SCRATCHING THE FUCKING WINDOW IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU’RE A FUCKING DOG POLITELY ASKING TO COME INSIDE-

Sorry. I’m just REALLY, REALLY annoyed that Bella is not going to be slowly torn into a thousand tiny pieces. It really rubs me the wrong way when people I hate are threatened with death, but I know they’re not going to die because they’re Sues. I WANT THEM TO DIE, DAMMITALL!

Back to the story, back to the story.

 
I choked back the building scream. I would have to keep quiet through this. Somehow. I had to keep Charlie from coming to investigate….

Yeah, because screams are the only thing that would wake someone. Smashing windows, smashing furniture, snarling, bones snapping… those couldn’t wake ANYONE.

And I can fully believe that Bella could stay quiet while being murdered. She’s too lazy to scream.

 
And then a familiar, husky voice called from the dark shape.
“Bella!” it hissed. “Ouch! Damn it, open the window! OUCH!”

A naughty word! Behold the corrupting influence of Native American culture! HORRORZ!

Yes, it’s Jacob. Since he’s a boy, he wants to creep into Bella’s bedroom in the middle of the night because, well, for a virgin she’s kinda easy. But since he’s a Native American and not an elegant WASP vampire, he has to enter the room in the most undignified way possible. And since he isn’t Bella’s Troo Wuv, he is forced to spend time with her when she’s awake instead of sneaking in to watch her SLEEP.

So Jacob has climbed a tree to get to Bella’s bedroom cuz he’s heard that it’s really easy for supernatural teen boys to get in. And the scratching is apparently because he’s frantically bobbing around on the tree, about to fall off and break his neck. Bella, being Bella, does not bother to try to get him OFF the three because hey, he’s not her.

So why doesn’t the superpowered werewolf just jump onto the roof and knock on her window? Because Stephenie Meyer is trying to write comedy. And yes, it is as funny as big-eyed orphans being mowed down by a thresher.

“I’m trying to keep”— he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him—“my promise!”

“Now give me those library books if you want them returned before opening!”

 
“Get out of the way,” he ordered.
“What?”

Does she work at being this stupid? Does she expect him to just swing back and forth on a treetop all day like Tigger?!

Apparently she does, because after she FINALLY realizes that he’s trying to jump into her window, she tries to make him stop. Why? Because even though we’ve established that he’s not clumsy anymore, she expects him to fall to his death—or at least maim himself against the wooden siding.

Okay, listen carefully:

  1. This is not a big house. The fall from her window probably isn’t gonna kill him. Injure him, sure, but not kill him unless he fell headfirst.
  2. Maim himself on the SIDING? Does Smeyer know what siding is? Does she realize that the it’s not pointy?

But no, he lands on his feet like a cat, which he thinks is pretty cool. Wow, this is a first for Smeyer – a realistic reaction for a teenage boy!

However, this makes Bella HULK MAD, presumably because she prefers her supernatural boytoys to be tormented and self-loathing. If they’re having FUN, they’re just not attractive to her!

 
I’d cried myself to sleep over this boy.

Yes, she cried herself to sleep over a guy she flatly refused to date and used for her own ends. Boohoo. Poor wittle her.

 
His harsh rejection had punched a painful new hole in what was left of my chest. He’d left a new nightmare behind him, like an infection in a sore—the insult after the injury.

Well, bitch, maybe you shouldn’t have pinned your entire emotional well-being on a guy. Oh wait, she’s Bella Swan.

And now he was here in my room, smirking at me as if none of that had passed.

If I had been friend-zoned by a person who used me as human pot, then had a meltdown because I wouldn’t spend time with them anymore… I’d be smirking too. If not laughing and pointing.

But since we’re supposed to feel so sowwy for poooooooor little Bella, we’re told how very painful it is to have hot teenage boys creeping into her bedroom because it reminds her of Edturd. Awwww, let’s all forget Bella’s horrible behavior and sympathize with her!

 
“Get out!” I hissed, putting as much venom into the whisper as I could.

“No,” he protested. “I came to apologize.”
“I don’t accept!”

“You dared to reject a Sue! That can never be forgiven!”

 
I tried to shove him back out the window—after all, if this was a dream, it wouldn’t really hurt him.

… where the hell did she get the idea that this was all a dream?!?!?!?!

For one thing, she was WOKEN UP from a dream by him. For another, she hasn’t indicated that she thinks this is a dream at ANY point before this. Hell, she was freaking out because she was convinced that he was going to “maim” himself against the side of the house! And now she’s trying to push him out the window because she’s suddenly decided that everything is just a dream.

He wasn’t wearing a shirt,

Of course not.

 
His skin was burning hot, like his head had been the last time I’d touched him. Like he was still sick with the fever.

Get it? He’s HOT because he’s the opposite of a sparklepire, which are inexplicably much colder than their surroundings. He’s HOT. Get it?

Then Smeyer apparently realizes that Bella isn’t supposed to have any emotions except emo-ness, laziness and horniness. So her anger vanishes without a trace, and she becomes all woozy and tired. Why? So Jacob can grab her and support the weak little woman.

 
He caught my elbow as I swayed again, and steered me back to the bed. My legs gave out when I reached the edge, and I plopped into a limp heap on the mattress.

Then I shouted, “Make me a woman, you hot hot sexualized non-white slab of man-meat!” and stuck my legs in the air.

I’m only half kidding. This whole scene reads like Stephenie Meyer wrote in a graphic sex scene with Jacob, then removed it.

 
Anguish replaced some of the bitterness in his face.

WHAT BITTERNESS?!?!?!?! Was the editor too busy passing out in a drunken stupor to do his/her job?!?!?!?!

You see? It’s like something was cut from this scene, and suddenly the characters are doing something else. Maybe she DID write in a sex scene.

 
“Right,” he agreed, and took a deep breath. “Crap. Well…I—I’m so sorry, Bella.” The apology was sincere, no doubt about it, though there was still an angry twist to his features.

  1. WHY IS THERE AN ANGRY TWIST?!?!?! Nothing he’s done, said or emoted up until this point has indicated bitterness or anger!
  2. Gasp! Another naughty word! That evil Native American culture!
  3. Why is he apologizing? Frankly, he was a lot nicer than the bitch deserved.

 
“Why did you come here? I don’t want apologies from you, Jake.”

“I just want you to hang around every single day, demanding nothing and expecting nothing, so I won’t feel lonely because my boyfriend dumped me! You know, forever. Is that so much to ask?”

Jacob keeps apologizing, and talking about how he can’t tell Bella anything. Bella just lies there mewling.

 
“But I can’t explain,” he said, still angry. “I wish I could.”
I let my head fall into my hands. My question came out muffled by my arm. “Why?”

“Because it’s a common urban fantasy cliche that every supernatural group is cloaked in secrecy for no good reason. The best authors actually deal with the possibilities and effects of ‘coming out.'”
“So… how come this book doesn’t?”
“Because this is Twilight.”
“Oh.”

Jacob sits there making constipated faces, and Bella lies there like a lump. Finally Jacob comes up with a non-explanation for his lack of explanation: “Look, Bella, haven’t you ever had a secret that you couldn’t tell anyone?”

“Sure! Like my anatomically correct anime doll collection, or my pornographic Jane Eyre fanfics, or my trips to Anthrocon, or my agalmatophilia-”
“Uh yeah, like that. Except a secret you don’t blurt out.”

 
“Something you felt like you had to keep from Charlie, from your mom…?” he pressed.

So… just about everything, then?

 
“Something you won’t even talk about with me? Not even now?”

“The fact that I’m just using you for my personal ends?”
“Besides that.”
“My sexual fantasies about Michaelangelo’s David?”
“…”
“My unicorn fetish?”
“How about you just stop talking?”

 
I felt my eyes tighten.

That would be impressive, given that eyes CAN’T tighten.

 
“Can you understand that I might have the same kind of…situation?”

“Except for the part where I’m actually a werewolf and had no choice in the matter, whereas you’re a human who is just obsessed with vampires. So… we really don’t have the same situation.”

 
I still didn’t see how it applied to him, or Sam, or Billy. What was it to them, now that the Cullens were gone?

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, not everything revolves around your sparkly boyfriend and his culty family, you twat!

“I don’t know why you came here, Jacob, if you were just going to give me riddles instead of answers.”

“You MUST know that I’m not very bright! You’re expecting me to THINK for myself without a boyfriend!”

So then Jacob spends approximately fifty pages trying really hard to get Bella to figure out what readers will have figured out several chapters ago. It’s pretty torturous, partly because Bella is pretty stupid. I’m not even kidding, she is really, really stupid. Smeyer believes that reading classic literature for school (and misunderstanding it) is a sign of brilliance, but when she’s actually given any kind of intellectual challenge, Bella just sits there drooling and mumbling.

In fact, he even points out that he basically told her all the details already. Which he did.

“You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf—well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves.” Jacob, Twilight

Then he comes up with the brilliant idea that if Bella can guess what his secret is, it’s okay for her to know it. I… don’t really understand how that works.

So we have this TORTUROUS scene where Jacob keeps pelting her with GIANT HINTS, and Bella responds to each one with “Uhhh…blearrggh… Edward is purty!” And for me, this scene is absolutely horrible because Smeyer DID NOT DO A GOOD JOB concealing that there’s a connection between freakishly giant wolves attacking a vampire, and a bunch of teen boys acting mysterious. Anyone with a brain (meaning not Bella) could figure it out.

And Bella hasn’t got a clue. Allegedly it’s because she’s so tired, but let’s face it: she hasn’t made the connection between GIANT WOLVES = Quileute legends she was told about before. And she didn’t figure out that giant wolves chasing a vampire was a little odd. So yeah, she really is that stupid.

 
He took a steadying breath and nodded. “Maybe it will come back to you. I guess I understand why you only remember the one story,” he added in a sarcastic, bitter tone.

“You mean the story about the hot, sexy, marblesque vampire boy who sweeps a plain, boring girl off her feet and ravishes her in a bed of money – I mean, copies of Pride and Prejudice?”
“… no, I’m pretty sure I never told you THAT one.”

 
“Do you mind if I ask you a question about that?” he asked, still sarcastic. “I’ve been dying to know.”
“A question about what?” I asked warily.
“About the vampire story I told you.”

… I don’t think that Smeyer knows what “sarcastic” means. Generally, if you say something sarcastically… you’re not really meaning what you say. Jacob is.

“Did you honestly not know?” he asked me, his voice turning husky. “Was I the one who told you what he was?”

Nah, she had all sorts of hints that he was a vampire. The changing eye color… the sparkliness… the lack of social skills… the overgelled hair… the sexual repression… the fact that he and his family were always wandering around in the daytime… I mean, who could look at those qualities and NOT immediately think, “Vampire”?

 
“See what I mean about loyalty?” he murmured, even huskier now. “It’s the same for me, only worse. You can’t imagine how tight I’m bound….”

Aaaaaaaand sex scene. Seriously, all the talking about husky voices? All we need are heaving bosoms.

… never mind. No bosoms.

 
I didn’t like that—didn’t like the way his eyes closed as if he were in pain when he spoke of being bound. More than dislike—I realized I hated it, hated anything that caused him pain. Hated it fiercely.

I’m pretty sure that’s arousal, not pain. Yes, my friends: Jacob is into bondage.

 
“Isn’t there any way for you to get free?” I whispered, touching the rough edge at the back of his shorn hair.

Aaaaand we’re back to Bella stringing him along. Here’s a tip: you don’t fondle the back of a guy’s neck when you don’t plan to have any kind of romantic/sexual relationship him. If you do, you’re an evil manipulative whore.

 
“No. I’m in this for life. A life sentence.” A bleak laugh. “Longer, maybe.”

… so he thinks he’ll be a werewolf in the afterlife?

“No, Jake,” I moaned. “What if we ran away? Just you and me. What if we left home, and left Sam behind?”

“Then you can ravish me all day long, while I mope about the boyfriend who dumped me!”

Seriously, this reads like a passage in a bad romance novel. Moaning? What if THEY ran away? There’s been no indication that she’s actually reconsidered her feelings for Jacob; she just spent the evening thinking about how mean he is and how much he hurt her, not that she actually loves him.

So I can only assume that her wiggling around on the bed, moaning and asking him to run away with her means… they leave town, find an apartment, and she keeps insisting that she just wants to be friends, but she also wants him to spend all his time with her, support her, and generally be human pot.

DIE.

“You need your sleep—I need you firing on all pistons. You’re going to figure this out, you have to.”

Jacob, this is Bella. She has only one piston, and it’s all rusty and full of muck.

 
He frowned. “I had to sneak out—I’m not supposed to see you. They’ve got to be wondering where I am.”

“I snuck out the back of the gay bar. I told them I needed to use the bath-”
“WHAT DID I SAY? GAYS ARE NOT REAL!”
“Is she still doing that?”
“Yep.”

Bella starts whining and snarling about the other boys, and Jacob defends them by saying that he actually likes all those guys, including Sam.

 
“It’s not safe,” he mumbled, looking down.
His words sent a thrill of fear through me.

No no, that’s not right. The line should be: His words sent a thrill through me. After all, Bella finds it incredibly hot when men endanger her needlessly with their presence.

Bella assumes that he knows all about the vampires who are stalking her… even though she has no reason to think so. Jacob just keeps being vague and noncommittal.

 
“I promised you that I wouldn’t ever hurt you….So I really blew it this afternoon, didn’t I?”
“I know you didn’t want to do it, Jake. It’s okay.”

“Now hurry up and ravish me!”
“Huh? What?”
“Why do you think I’m moaning and writhing around on a bed with while a hot non-white half-naked guy looms over me? Just don’t get upset if I call you ‘Edward’ during sex.”

 
He grinned at me suddenly. The grin was not mine, nor Sam’s, but some strange combination of the two.

… why would he smile at her like either of them? It sounds like he’s imitating them. In fact, has EITHER of these characters ever cracked a smile?!

“It would really help if you could figure this out on your own, Bella. Put some honest effort into it.”

“You want me to put EFFORT into it?”
“Uh, yes.”
“But I’ve formed a whole identity around being too passive to do ANYTHING! Plus, there’s no man here to tell me what to think!”

Jacob keeps dropping vague ominous comments, and Bella is too lazy to demand a concrete answer of SOME kind.

 
He hesitated as he passed me, staring at me with an expression like something was stabbing him.

“Bella, can I use the bathroom?”

But no, he suddenly yanks her off the bed and starts bear-hugging her, which I suspect led to another sex scene in the rough draft of this story. Then he lowers her back onto the bed gently… and again, I detect a deleted sex scene. I think I figured out why Twilight’s plot is so flimsy: it’s a porn minus the porn.

 
“I know you can do this. I need you to understand. I won’t lose you, Bella. Not for this.”

Ohhhhh, the dialogue HURTS. It burns, it stings…

So Jacob vanishes out the door, and Bella immediately falls asleep. And because Smeyer thinks we readers are as dim as Bella, she immediately has a dream about the forest near La Push’s beach, where Jacob-from-the-first-book is trying to drag her away into… THE DARKNESS!

But no, Bella doesn’t WANT to go to the darkness. So she stalls, expecting The Light (aka Edward) to come in and save her from Native Americanness with his dazzling rich whiteness!

Except this dream doesn’t turn out the way her other ones do. Yes, Bella’s magical Plot Convenience Powers are working overtime, because Dream-Jacob immediately collapses to the ground and turns into the wolf who passed by her in the meadow. OMG! Bella’s just so brilliant, her mind has figured it out while she’s sleeping! While also analyzing the complete works of James Joyce! BULLSHIT!

 
This wolf stared intently at me, trying to convey something vital with his intelligent eyes. The black-brown, familiar eyes of Jacob Black.
I woke screaming at the top of my lungs.

  1. … WHY? Why is this so terrifying?
  2. Was Bella just feeling neglected, so she started howling so somebody would pay attention to her?
  3. “Black” and “brown” are not the same color.
  4. I don’t know if Smeyer knows this, but most eyes are not so distinctive that you could recognize them in an ANIMAL’s face.

Charlie wakes up, grumbles and rolls back over because he’s sick of Bella screeching at the top of her voice every single night. I guess his concern over how much Jacob had hurt poor wittle weak Bella wasn’t THAT intense.

I remembered it all now—every word that Jacob had said to me that day on the beach, even the part before he got to the vampires, the “cold ones.” Especially that first part.

Especially the part about knitting! Lots of knitting!

So then Smeyer lazily cut-and-pastes a whole section from Twilight, word for word. You know, maybe I’m just a dull non-Bella/vampire hoomin bean, but I suspect that if someone told me tribal legends about werewolves, I would fucking LISTEN. Bella just apparently FORGOT all of the conversation except for “vampires are real, go stalk them.”

 
“Werewolf,” I gasped.

Gasp! To think werewolves exist AS WELL AS vampires! Such a shock!

Yes, Bella is simply shocked to think that Jacob and his friends are actually werewolves. Never mind that Jacob told her about how vampires (who turned out to be real) had only one enemy, which was werewolves… she ONLY thought that this legend meant that vampires were real, and not the werewolves. She NEVER even entertained that possibility, even though the legends were BY THE PEOPLE WHO CLAIMED TO HAVE WEREWOLVES AMONG THEM.

Bravo, Smeyer. You tried to prove that Bella was super-smart because she “intuited” Jacob’s obvious werewolfiness in her dreams… only to prove that she’s an idiot incapable of logical thought.

 
The whole world lurched, tilting the wrong way on its axis.

“Darn! Holy crow! I immediately accepted the existence of sparkling vampires without question, but the idea that werewolves exist is just UNBELIEVABLE!”

What kind of a place was this? Could a world really exist where ancient legends went wandering around the borders of tiny, insignificant towns, facing down mythical monsters? Did this mean every impossible fairy tale was grounded somewhere in absolute truth? Was there anything sane or normal at all, or was everything just magic and ghost stories?

  1. “I’m having a completely fake, over-the-top reaction! Clearly the existence of TWO supernatural species instead of ONE means that every single legend and mythical creature MUST be true! It’s only logical! I JUST CAN’T COPE WITH THIS!”
  2. And yes, this does seem ridiculously over-the-top.
  3. She thought the world was fine-and-dandy as long as there was just sparkling vampires… but for some reason there is no sanity or normalcy in the world once she finds out that ONE OTHER SPECIES exists.
  4. And I’m honestly surprised that this illogical idea doesn’t please her. It makes it more likely that a sparkly beautiful immortal Sidhe will prance into town and immediately fall in love with her plain self.

 
I clutched my head in my hands, trying to keep it from exploding.

Normally I would assume that this was just a character describing how they feel. But this Bella. She literally thinks that there is a physical hole in her torso.

“Charlie! I mean, Dad! Don’t come in!”
“Why not, Bella?”
“Because my head exploded last night!”
“Sure it did, honey.”
“I’m so selfless that I don’t want you to be traumatized! There are chunks of brain and bone everywhere! It’s so horrible!”
“Sure there are, honey. Now get up for school.”

 
A small, dry voice in the back of my mind asked me what the big deal was. Hadn’t I already accepted the existence of vampires long ago—and without all the hysterics that time?

….

glances around

whispers I think my snarking is seeping into the book. Is that possible? Is that a Jasper Fforde kind of thing?

 
Exactly, I wanted to scream back at the voice. Wasn’t one myth enough for anyone, enough for a lifetime?

You shut up.

Bella spends most of the following scene trying very hard to justify her melodramatic reaction. Come on, the characters of Dracula had less of a reaction to finding out that Dracula was a vampire, and they had never been confronted by the supernatural before! Smeyer is trying SO HARD to convince us that this is a shocking revelation, but it ISN’T. Anyone with a brain figured this out several chapters ago.

Here’s a simple equation:

  • Werewolf legends with Indian werewolves AND vampires + vampires being real + giant wolves that scare vampires + teen Indian boys forming an alpha-led group = THOSE BOYS ARE FUCKING WEREWOLVES

It’s not that hard for anyone with three brain cells to figure out.

 
Besides, there’d never been one moment that I wasn’t completely aware that Edward Cullen was above and beyond the ordinary. It wasn’t such a surprise to find out what he was—because he so obviously was something.

“After all, nobody could be hot AND rich unless they were a vampire! It’s just logical! As soon as I found out he was hot, rich and snobby, I KNEW he had to be something special!”

 
But Jacob? Jacob, who was just Jacob, and nothing more than that? Jacob, my friend?

Jacob, the guy I used for my own personal ends and acted like a whiny bitch when he ditched me?

 
Jacob, the only human I’d ever been able to relate to….

That is because the author unsubtlely tries to drop hints that Bella is destined to be a vampire, and she’s the “perfect” candidate to be one. So because she’s already superior, she can’t possibly relate to any mere puny humans.

Know what this reminds me of? The attitude of the White Court vampires in the Dresden Files. Who are AWFUL PEOPLE.

And he wasn’t even human.

What did this say about me?

It says that you’re the author’s Sue, and that she doesn’t see anyone who IS human as being worthy to even polish your shoes. No, the only people worthy of spending time around Bella and interacting with her are people who have a vast array of superpowers, speshul qualities and sexual perversions superhumanly hot boys.

 
I knew the answer to that one. It said that there was something deeply wrong with me.

Smeyer, stop trying to pretend that “I’m so very different!” is a FLAW. It’s not.

What is deeply wrong with Bella Swan is that she’s an utterly self-absorbed sociopath gold-digger who only likes people if they serve some kind of end for her. That is something deeply wrong with her.

Why else would my life be filled with characters from horror movies?

Oh, like Bella/Smeyer has ever seen a horror movie. She probably thinks Scooby-Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf is hardcore horror.

 
Why else would I care so much about them that it would tear big chunks right out of my chest when they went off along their mythical ways?

Because you can’t cope when a MAN isn’t around to validate your existence?

 
There was no cult. There had never been a cult, never been a gang. No, it was much worse than that. It was a pack.

… how is that WORSE than a cult? A wolf pack is (in nature) basically a family. They care about each other, look after each other, and work as a team. Most people consider that behavior to be GOOD.

A cult, on the other hand, often has a charismatic leader who takes charge of his followers’ lives and acts as a “family.” They often use coercive persuasion to rob people of free will, keep people isolated from others, give them a new identity…

… wait…

I think I just figured out why Smeyer thinks a pack is actually WORSE than a cult.

So Bella decides she simply must see Jacob RIGHT AWAY, presumably so she can announces that he’s totes a werewolf… which I figured out several chapters ago. Well, I did read summaries… but whatever. When she goes galloping downstairs, Charlie is there. Wow, so he was awake while she was screeching her head off, and he didn’t even bother to knock? He really DOESN’T give a shit!

Turns out that Charlie is only there because we need it to be exposited that another person was killed, and a giant gray wolf was seen near the body. Bella is simply SHOCKED, even though she’s known there were giant wolves and fatal attacks on people for WEEKS.

 
“The rangers are going out armed, taking armed volunteers. There’re a lot of hunters who are eager to be involved—there’s a reward being offered for wolf carcasses. That’s going to mean a lot of firepower out there in the forest, and it worries me.”

… um, shouldn’t they be calling in some special services for this? There have been what, five or six deaths in a short span of time in a very particular area. All they have are some rangers, guns and a few bloodthirsty yahoos?

And why is this such a surprise? Apparently the Cullens were regularly murdering large predators all over the place for A FEW YEARS. It wasn’t just once or twice – it was several animals per month! Apparently that raised absolutely no alarms about human safety!

“They’re going to shoot the wolves?” My voice shot through three octaves.

“But they CAN’T! I just found out that they’re sexy supernaturals who can offer me a haven from all these icky humans!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’M GOING TO GET LAID!”

 
“What else can we do? What’s wrong?” he asked, his tense eyes studying my face. I felt faint; I must be whiter than usual. “You aren’t turning into a tree-hugger on me, are you?”

  1. … I wasn’t aware that being a tree-hugger was such a serious offense.
  2. He clearly doesn’t know Bella as well as he thinks. Would you really expect her to be an environmentalist?
  3. How can Bella POSSIBLY get any whiter? The only way she could possibly look whiter is if she tried to rap!

 
“I’ve got to help, Bells. People are disappearing.”
My voice shot up again, almost hysterical now. “No! No, don’t go. It’s too dangerous!”

“You might shoot the sexy supernaturals! I neeeeeed hot teen boys with superpowers, Charlie!”
“Seriously, what are you talking about?”

So once Charlie leaves to go a-wolf-hunting, Bella decides that she CAN wait to go see Jacob. So she collapses to the floor and just mopes around.

 
Jacob was my best friend; I needed to warn him. If he really was a—I cringed and forced myself to think the word—werewolf (and I knew it was true, I could feel it), then people would be shooting at him! I needed to tell him and his friends that people would try to kill them if they went running around like gigantic wolves.

OMG! Like, they TOTALLY never have guessed that freakishly huge predators might get SHOT AT, especially if people have recently been killed in vicious attacks! Good thing they have Bella Swan to tell them that! All hail her vast brain!

Up until now, only strangers had disappeared. Did that mean anything, or was it just chance?

You know, a slightly smarter person would also have remembered that there are FUCKING VAMPIRES in the area. Here’s a thought: maybe THEY had something to do with it?

Oh wait, Bella’s too smart to remember little details like THAT.

 
Either way, I had to warn him.
Or…did I?
Jacob was my best friend, but was he a monster, too? A real one? A bad one? Should I warn him, if he and his friends were…were murderers? If they were out slaughtering innocent hikers in cold blood? If they were truly creatures from a horror movie in every sense, would it be wrong to protect them?

I love how suddenly she’s gone all moral about those scawy non-white impoverished Native Americans and their beastly ways, and it disturbs her SO MUCH at the thought that they MIGHT be killers.

But when it comes to rich white people who are vampires? They are, by definition, drinkers of human blood… and kill their prey… and when she first figured out they were vampires, she had no reason to assume they DIDN’T drink human blood… but she never even considered for a moment that they might be monstrous killers. In fact, the previous book had an infuriatingly stupid scene where she actually went through every single entry in a vampire website, IGNORING every one that said vampires were vicious monstrous killers and ONLY PAYING ATTENTION to the one about “good” vampires.

But when she finds out that the impoverished Native American boys are actually werewolves? Whose only concrete defining characteristic is shapeshifting? She can TOTALLY believe that they – including her “friend” – are monsters and murderers! I mean, if they were white and rich, that would be a different story!

I didn’t know anything about werewolves, clearly.

But that won’t stop me from assuming the absolute worst.

 
So I didn’t know what made them hunt, whether hunger or thirst or just a desire to kill. It was hard to judge, not knowing that.

You don’t even know THAT they hunt, your miserable bitch! You’ve seen them exactly ONCE, and what evil bloodthirsty things were they doing? Oh right, they were SAVING YOUR USELESS ASS from a vampire who was about to murder you!

Yeah, remember that vampire? The one who was about to KILL you? The one that ADMITTED he’s been secretly drinking human blood? The one working with Victoria? BOTH OF WHOM HAVE BEEN HANGING AROUND, MEANING THEY’LL HAVE HAD TO KILL PEOPLE?! BOTH OF WHOM YOU’VE ALLEGEDLY BEEN OBSESSED WITH FOR DAYS AND DAYS, CONVINCED THAT THEY’RE COMING TO MURDER YOU?

Yeah, guess what! Bella’s totally forgotten all about the killer vampires hanging around the region, and now thinks that the ONLY possible explanation is to automatically assume that the werewolves are bloodthirsty killers. Forget “judging,” you insufferable little skank – how about THINKING?!?!?!?!

But it couldn’t be worse than what the Cullens endured in their quest to be good.

YES IT FUCKING COULD. The Cullens have the money and resources to isolate themselves from human beings. But they selfishly choose to hang around human beings every day, putting those humans at constant risk. I wonder how many innocent people have been killed by them because of their “quest.” How GOOD they are!

So because the Cullens are shining saints and the Indians are not white-and-rich, Bella immediately has a maudlin flashback of what wonderful people Esme and Carlisle are. Note that her beloved Edturd, who frequently mentioned how much he wanted to kill her, is not included.

 
I thought of Carlisle, the centuries upon centuries that he had struggled to teach himself to ignore blood, so that he could save lives as a doctor.

… and one wonders how many people died so that he could get enough self-control to save other lives… in the same way a HUMAN doctor could.

 
Nothing could be harder than that.

Die in a fire. Trust me, you pampered little suburban wimp, there are things infinitely harder than deliberately putting yourself in temptation’s way so you can pat yourself on the back about not succumbing to it.

 
The werewolves had chosen a different path.

YOU DON’T KNOW THAT. I swear, this little bitch makes me absolutely homicidal. She’s decided that they’re all bloodthirsty killers without a single shred of serious evidence, and has completely forgotten about the “perfect” vampires whom she KNOWS are hanging around. The werewolves don’t even get a chance to defend themselves – she’s already decided they’re guilty.

Yeah, I bet Jacob will be SO convinced that she “loves” him.

 
Now, what should I choose?

The very fact that she even ASKS whether she should “choose” to follow bloodthirsty murderers just proves my point: she’s a sociopath. I guess she WASN’T joking in Twilight’s epilogue when she said she’d help the vampires murder people.

As for what she should choose, my personal favorite would be “slow gruesome suicide.”

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