New Moon Chapter 23

So Bella is waking up… and because she’s Bella, she can’t just wake up like a normal person. No, she has melodramatic dreams about evil red-eyed Catholic “fiends” who are even more horrifying because they’re NICE, but she knows that they’re evil because… they didn’t do anything to her or the Cullens.

But of course, Edturd is there as an angel. Excuse me.

Better now.

And for some reason, Bawla is now convinced that she is still living her Edturd-free life. Why is she sure of this? Presumably so she can have more melodramatic reactions, and continue living in her little cloud of delusion so he can dramatically assure her that he’s really there..

Something cold touched my forehead with the softest pressure.

It took me a moment to realize that it was a vampire erection.

She spends a few paragraphs wangsting about how her delusions are too realistic, then decides to wake herself up… and when she sees and feels and hears Edturd lying next to her in bed, she immediately decides that she’s had a psychotic break. Yes, apparently she’s decided that the past few days were ALL A DREAM. Why has she decided this? FOR TEH DRAHMAZ!

After all, feminine brains are so very delicate and easily overheated. You can’t expect a woman to THINK.

I opened my eyes again—and Edward was still there, his perfect face just inches away from mine.

I tried to tear off his pants, and he ran away in a panic from my wanton womanly sex drive, like any man would!

The face, the voice, the scent, everything—it was so much better than drowning.

… I don’t even understand what that means. Is she saying that looking/listening/smelling Edturd is nicer than dying a slow horrible death of oxygen deprivation?

“Oh, crap” I croaked. My throat was thick with sleeping.

Gasp of shock! Bella has been infected with Catholic naughty words!

“I’m dead, right?” I moaned. “I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie.”

Yeah, she cares SO MUCH that she didn’t even give him a second thought when she went bouncing off a cliff, just so she could hallucinate about her asshole ex.

Edward frowned, too. “You’re not dead.”
“Then why am I not waking up?” I challenged, raising my eyebrows.
“You are awake, Bella.”
I shook my head. “Sure, sure. That’s what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won’t, because I’m dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…”

  1. I just… I… my brain is burning from how BAD this dialogue is.
  2. It is actually difficult to read because even SOAP OPERAS have more realistic reactions than this shit.
  3. I’m calling it – Bella remembers everything perfectly, but she’s putting on this show because she wants attention from Edturd.
  4. Oh, and Smeyer? People do not talk like that. Nobody IRL thinks that they’re dead when they’re not.
  5. And Bella’s fakey compassion for her family and friends is not convincing because SHE SPENT MONTHS TRYING TO KILL HERSELF WITHOUT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT THEM.

“I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare.”

… Edturd, listen up. Listen carefully.

You are not a nightmare. You are not scary. Nobody finds you frightening. EVER.

This fact has been shown to us repeatedly over the course of this series. Even in Midnight Sun, where you keep assuring yourself of how scary and monstrous you are and how everybody is terrified of just your PRESENCE… the ordinary humans don’t find you frightening. Gianna didn’t find you frightening. Other vampires don’t find you frightening. The werewolves don’t find you frightening – hell, they LAUGH at your kind.

The only person on the planet who thinks you are scary is your pathetic girlfriend, and she only thinks that because she wants to be the bestest at everything, so she’s convinced herself that whatever she wants to be is terrifying to weak lesser humans. And frankly, she’s too shallow to date a guy who is as pathetic as you, so she’s determined to see you as scary and powerful.

You are neither. You are a loser.

You didn’t even kill the vampire who tried to murder your girlfriend – you came up with a limp excuse to let other people do the work, even though you outnumbered him. And the ONLY member of the Volturi guard whom you tried to attack… was a tween.

And you STILL got your ass handed to you in front of EVERYONE. The only way you could have been more a pathetic bitch there was if Aro spent the meeting shooting bullets at your feet to make you dance. Who if their fucking right mind would find someone like you scary, especially after we’ve seen how pathetically ineffectual you are?

Those are not the actions of someone or something to be feared. They are the actions of a sad little weenie who can only feel good about himself if he can bully others, but is too weak and cowardly to actually do that.

You are a sparkling boy-bander, but with less reason to exist.

Your “scariness” is just ego masturbation.

You have literally done NOTHING to make anyone fear you. AND NOBODY DOES. Whenever someone thinks or speaks about you, it’s not with fear. EVER. The only person who is scared of you is a psychotic gold-digger who is even more useless and unimpressive than you are.

YOU ARE NOT SCARY. YOU WILL NEVER BE SCARY. You are the sexual fantasy of an ignorant, frustrated Mormon housewife embittered by having to get married early and pop out babies, when she really wanted to fuck Henry Cavill and live a glamorous life. That is not scary!

And the fact that you have to KEEP mentioning how scary, monstrous and nightmarish you are just reinforces that you’re NOT. You know why? Because people who ARE scary and nightmarish don’t have to fucking say so. Hell, they may not even KNOW so. They are scary and monstrous because that is WHAT THEY ARE, not because they remind people, “Hey, audience? I’m the stuff of your nightmares, okay? I’m so scary! Everyone is scared of me! So just remember what a monstrous scary nightmare I am, ‘kay?”

Like being an artist, or sexy, or smart… if you have to say it, IT AIN’T SO.

And you know what? If you DID appear in anyone’s nightmares, it would be as a boring wanking emo asshole who irritated them into waking up. You have all the menace of a marshmallow peep, but are less useful to society. People may joke about how uncool and useless you are because you sparkle, but that’s actually the LEAST uncool thing about you. Die in a bonfire, you stupid twat.

Wow, that was very cathartic.

“But I can’t imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?”

  1. Yes, because murders are the only thing that sends someone to hell.
  2. Being a sociopathic hate-filled self-harming manipulative shithead who endangers others out of laziness… nah, that’s not worthy.
  3. And yeah, you fish for those compliments, Edturd. It must have been hard to spend all those months away from Bella’s constant ego handjobs.

I grimaced. “Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn’t be with me.”

Scuse me. Need to puke.

So Bella lies there being oblivious for awhile, since she apparently can’t believe that stuff she actually did happened, even when she… you know, spent THREE DAYS doing just that. And she’s weirdly nonplussed for someone who supposedly was sssooooooooo sad about those poor humans being massacred.

I felt a faint, unfamiliar blush warm the skin over my cheekbones as I slowly realized that Edward was really, truly here with me, and I was wasting time being an idiot.

  1. Wasting time and being an idiot are pretty much a full-time job.
  2. Why is she blushing? Is she blushing because he’s in bed with her, although being a Righteous Man he would never actually DO anything with a girl in bed?
  3. And Bella? Edturd is a colossal dick. If he were going to leave, he would have done it when you were sleeping.

It was almost impossible to reassign my dream as reality. I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept.

You know, she was more open to the idea of sparkly vampires than the idea that she went to Italy. I just… I… ugh.

“That depends.” Edward’s smile was still hard. “If you’re referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes.”

  1. You WEREN’T nearly massacred in Italy.
  2. First of all, a “massacre” involves more than three people. Using a bigger word does not make you sound smart.
  3. And the Volturi don’t want you OR Alice dead, shithead. They’ve made it very clear that they want you on the payroll.
  4. Also, the Volturi were INCREDIBLY ACCOMMODATING.
  5. How can they have “nearly” killed you all if you broke their laws and they were willing to look the other way?
  6. Hell, they didn’t even force the issue of killing/turning Bella – they just took Alice’s word for it that she’ll get turned somewhere down the road.
  7. None of that screams, “We’re about to kill you.” Honestly, the thing that endangered them the most was Edturd’s pathetic attempt to take down a vampiric One Direction fan.
  8. Frankly, it just smacks of Edturd’s never-really-explained hatred of the Volturi. Usually when a character has a personal hate-on for the villains, there’s some kind of history… but here, nothing.

“How strange,” I mused. “I really went to Italy. Did you know I’d never been farther east than Albuquerque?”

  1. … see? Even Bawla doesn’t think they were in danger. All she has to say about it is, “Duuuurrrrr, I went to that boot-shaped place!”
  2. But don’t forget, she was SO disturbed by all those people getting killed.
  3. And way to make your “smart” heroine look like a provincial twit.

He rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should go back to sleep. You’re not coherent.”

Wow, I totally missed Edturd being a condescending prick.

So it turns out that Bawla was asleep for over fourteen hours, and apparently Charlie hasn’t bothered to check on her since Edturd dumped her in bed, pawed at her boobies, stole some stuff from her underwear drawer and pretended to leave. Yeah, his daughter only went missing for days without any kind of explanation, and reappeared swooning in the arms of her abusive ex-boyfriend. Last time that happened, she had been beaten unconscious and had broken bones.

So I can see why he wouldn’t check on her or reassure himself of her safety.

It also turns out that he’s decided to ban Edturd from the house. This isn’t surprising to anyone except Bella.

“Charlie banned you from the house?” I asked, disbelief quickly melting into fury.

“I mean, you only made me vanish for a few days last year, after which I was hospitalized for a suspicious beating! And then brutally dumped me and left me lost in the woods, causing a massive psychological breakdown that almost caused me to be institutionalized! And then I went missing AGAIN with no explanation and came back exhausted and clinging to the guy who ruined my whole life! HOW DARE HE!”

His eyes were sad. “Did you expect anything else?”
My eyes were mad.

My face is sad. My eyes are mad. Holy fuck, how did this actually get published.

And now, some satireknight poetry:

My eyes were sad.
This writing is bad.
Where’s that vodka I had?

I was going to have a few words with my father—perhaps it would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood.

Really? I totally forgot about that, since she acts like her dad still has control over her life and she HAS to stay around him.

Oh, and being a legal adult doesn’t mean that your parents have to let you do whatever you want. You can see who you want and go where you want, but it doesn’t mean that whatever your parents own is now yours, except you don’t have to make the mortgage and insurance payments. Charlie can ban whoever he wants from HIS PROPERTY.

If Bella doesn’t like that, she can take her “quite enough” sockfull of money and buy her own fucking house… or more likely, sponge off the Cullens.

It didn’t matter so much, of course, except in principle.

Of course not. She’s under one man’s control until she’s handed off to another to be his Stepford Wife.

All too soon there would be no reason for the prohibition. I turned my thoughts to less painful avenues.

Once again…

so I wouldn’t scare him away with the frantic, gnawing craving that was raging inside me.

… for dick!

It also turns out that Edturd couldn’t give Charlie any explanation for what happened or where Bella went. Wow, imagine Charlie being SUSPICIOUS of that.

“Well, maybe Alice will come up with something,” he offered, trying to comfort me.

“… and then we came back through the wardrobe, and only a minute had gone by! And all the rainbow unicorns were dancing and having crumpets, and the yumyum trees were playing music for us! And then we came back to Forks, safe and sound!”
“Alice, that’s a bunch of crap.”
“How did you KNOW?”

Then Bella decides that hey, screw her dad, she has her hot ex-boyfriend to lust after! And since she’s decided there’s a time limit on his presence, she’s going to act like a weirdo and ask him random questions.

“What have you been doing, up until three days ago?”

…. really? “Whatcha been doin’?” I guess “What’s the weather forecast?” was too exciting.

His face turned wary in an instant. “Nothing terribly exciting.”
“Of course not,” I mumbled.
“Why are you making that face?”
“Well…” I pursed my lips, considering. “If you were, after all, just a dream, that’s exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up.”

  1. What imagination?
  2. Seriously, she could only imagine “distractions.”
  3. I still don’t even know what that means!
  4. But she sure couldn’t imagine anything THAT exciting. This is somebody who thinks a life of privilege and glamour is being in a white empty box in the middle of Nowheresville.
  5. You know, advertising that you’re suicidal and regularly hallucinating is not a great way to win your ex back.
  6. And why would she assume that Edward was doing anything exciting and exotic? This is the guy who has spent his immortal life of wealth and privilege… going to public high schools over and over.
  7. What’s exciting for these people? Going to the Farmer’s Market and getting on-sale lemons?!

He sighed. “If I tell you, will you finally believe that you’re not having a nightmare?”
“Nightmare!” I repeated scornfully.


“I was… hunting.”

Thank you. I needed yet another reason to hate you.

“Is that the best you can do?” I criticized. “That definitely doesn’t prove I’m awake.”

“You murdering innocent people? Totally something I could plausibly dream of!”

It’s then revealed that he was trying to be a tracker. And he sucks at it. Who was he tracking? Who knows, or cares. Apparently it’s not relevant. And no, if you’re thinking it’s Victoria, he immediately declares that he had NO idea she was dangerous.

“I—” He took a deep breath. “I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that.

Yes. You do.

“that I had no idea. I didn’t realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria,”—his lips curled back when he said the name—”would come back.”

  1. Yeah, the Cullens just killed her Forever And Ever Sealed In The Temple Chosen In The Pre-Existence Soulmate…
  2. … for a human, whom all the vampires (including the Cullens) view as livestock.
  3. Who EVER could have expected that she might, MIGHT be slightly pissed about that?
  4. Especially since we’re later informed that the vampires not only have the One And Only Perfect Soulmate, but they never get a second try.
  5. And oh dear, he never realized. If only he knew someone who could see the future! Like, say, what would happen in the future if he left Forks! Too bad nobody like THAT is in the series.

“I’ll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James’s thoughts.”

“I mean, she’s just a GIRL. That means she’s useless and pathetic and can’t do anything without a man!”
“Oh, Edward! You are so smart!”

“But I just didn’t see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him.”

“I thought only hot rich people could have soulmates!”

“I think I realize why now—she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.”

Or you’re just a misogynistic twat and you figured that no woman could possibly be a threat.

“Not that there’s any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself—”

  1. Nice fantastic racism there, asshole.
  2. Considering you spent the whole first book talking about how much you wanted to kill her and how you were soooooo dangerous, it’s pretty rich that you’re calling the werewolves who REPEATEDLY SAVED HER while you were off being emo “the worst thing out there.”
  3. Immature? Volatile? Takes one to know one, asshat.
  4. And you know what? This brings up the giant plot hole again that apparently the Cullens DO NOT FUCKING KNOW ABOUT WEREWOLVES.
  5. Yeah, because Carlisle only made a treaty with the Quileute werewolves.
  6. Meaning the werewolves are in the area.
  7. And meaning that Carlisle, the sparkly perfect guy who can do no wrong, apparently didn’t think it was worth telling his cult… I mean, “family” that there were hostile werewolves.
  8. Even though the treaty limits where they can go and brings instant death on the Cullens if they kill ONE HUMAN… Alice and Edturd were never told that they were in the area.
  9. There’s so much stupid here that I could wrote a thesis paper on it.

In fairness, this scene actually is a tiny bit touching, and it almost seemed like Edturd was feeling genuine remorse and might have changed the way he looked at Bella and tried to protect her. So when I first read this, I thought that it was probably the best written scene in the whole shitty series so far, because it actually has some character growth and it makes you feel the way the characters do.

Then I hit myself on the head with a hammer to restore my sanity.

Because Edturd has not only been an ass to Bella before, but he continues being an ass after this exchange. IN THE SAME SCENE. There’s no character development, because after his little ego guilt trip, he goes right the fuck back to being a controlling, manipulative, misogynistic douchenozzle.

” I am the most miserable excuse for—”
“Stop,” I interrupted him.

Stop? Why stop? He was finally making sense!

I didn’t want to be a source of guilt and anguish in his life.

… except if she gets to be a rich hot sparklepire. Then she’ll stalk him forever, regardless of what he wants.

He should be happy, no matter what it cost me.

Happy? Edward is never happy. That is reserved for people who aren’t rich deep readers of Shakespeare!

I’d really been hoping to put off this part of our last conversation. It was going to bring things to an end so much sooner.

Yeah, apparently she doesn’t care THAT much about him being miserable, because she wanted to put off the whole reassurance thing for her own selfish reasons.

Drawing on all my months of practice with trying to be normal for Charlie,

So even though she supposedly means it, she has to fake it? Again, what about Bella DOESN’T say “sociopath”?

So Bella lectures him about how it’s not his fault that she tried to commit suicide and that she knows he’s such a suffering angel who blames himself for everything and I puke and have a seizure and wow this is stupid.

“You can’t take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it’s just part of how life is for me.”

…. is she claiming that suicide attempts are just a part of normal life for her?!

“So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it’s not your job to take the blame.”

“And if I stumble and swallow a whole bottle of pills or accidentally slash open both my wrists with a straight razor, it is totally not your fault.”

Seriously, she JUMPED. On PURPOSE. DELIBERATELY. That is NOT comparable to accidentally tripping. I know Smeyer is trying to pretend that suicide doesn’t exist, but even she isn’t stupid enough to claim that Bella leaping off a cliff was an accident!

Is she?

“Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die,”

“… which I totally didn’t, because nobody in this story is allowed to deviate from Mormon morality, and suicide is bad! Did I mention that I’m like Juliet?”

“that would have been my choice, and not your fault.”

As much as it pains me, that is true. When your ex starts self-harming, that is NOT your responsibility. Nobody should stick around with their ex just because the ex threatens to kill themselves.

… except I bet Smeyer would argue otherwise if the ex is hot and rich.

“I know it’s your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything,”

… no, not really.

“It’s very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—”

“I mean, if you die, then Carlisle will only get to have sex with Esme, and that will make him so SAD!”

“Isabella Marie Swan,” he whispered, the strangest expression crossing his face. He almost looked mad.

“I will spank you if you say that again, you stupid little girl!!”
“Oh Edward! You’re so sparkly and rich!”

“Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?”

Of course not. There’s no chance of him feeling guilty.

“Then… what are you saying? I don’t understand.”

Here’s a quick rundown: he’s tried to commit suicide over you seemingly committing suicide. He started quoting Romeo and Juliet after you bodyslammed him. He (didn’t) almost get into a fight with the Volturi over your sad ass. He spent the next several hours cuddling, sniffing, kissing, licking, dry-humping and pawing at you. He’s been lying in bed with you for the last day.

There is a slight, SLIGHT chance that he doesn’t feel total indifference to you.

I think what pisses me off about this is that Smeyer is being SO manipulative. Bella doesn’t even consider for a moment that hey, all this behavior MIGHT mean he still likes her. She’s just going to keep burbling, “But I don’t get it. I don’t get it. I don’t get it” so Edturd will make a whole speech about how wonderful she is and how much he wuvs her.

It’s all just a ploy to have a big dramatic scene, and have all the fangirls squeeing “He still wuvs u, Bella!” while I quietly puke in a corner.

Honestly, this isn’t just manipulative and cheesy. It’s downright bad storytelling. And considering how often we’re told how smart Bella is, this makes her look waaaaaayyyy below average in intelligence. Like, “really smart gerbil” intelligence.

“even if it wasn’t my fault, I would have gone to Italy.”

Because apparently there are no OTHER ways for vampires to kill themselves.

“Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie.”

And what would THAT have changed? Rosalie didn’t lie. She just relayed the information FROM Alice. At that point, Alice would have told him the same fucking info.

“But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?”

Yeah, because it’s not like a pair of killer vampires were in the region bumping off random people for MONTHS. And it’s not like Charlie’s best friend has severe diabetes that has already damaged his legs and could kill him at any time.

No, Bella is the ONLY person Charlie knows who could end up in a coffin.

“The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake.”

Being an idiot is not the same thing as having the odds stacked against you, you insufferable twat. You have had NO odds stacked against you. NONE. There are NO serious obstacles to your relationship, because that would actually cause some conflict.

The only thing that is sort of an obstacle is that he’s a vampire and she’s a human. Except that she wants to be a vampire, he can turn her into a vampire, and we’ve been assured she will definitely become a vampire, so even THAT isn’t an obstacle.

Hell there would be no obstacles AT ALL if Edturd weren’t a controlling ass. Remember how he went to great lengths to suck the venom out of Bella in the last book, even though chances were he’d just go nuts and drink her dry? Which was pointless because it turns out that not only is she destined to be a vampire, but she’d get murdered by the Volturi when they found out what he did?

Yeah, if he had just left her alone and let her become a vampire, or turned her when she made it clear she wanted that, or after the whole debacle with Jasper… NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. No injuries! No breakup! No run-in with the Volturi! No threats from Victoria! No suicide attempts! And now that she’s legally an adult, the only obstacle between them would be Edturd’s secret lust for Carlisle!

ALL THE OBSTACLES ARE PUT THERE BECAUSE EDTURD IS A CONTROLLING DICK. All other problems are entirely due to the fact that they are both IDIOTS who constantly act in defiance of common sense.

You want a couple who have the odds against them? Consider this.

Yeah, I just made a reference to something other than the Dresden Files. Amazed?

Basically this show is about this guy who can resurrect the dead with his magic touch, but if he ever touches them again they die a second time, forever. I just realized how weird that sounds, but whatever. Anyway, he encounters his childhood sweetheart/soulmate, who was the only bright spot in his otherwise miserable childhood… and she’s dead. So he brings her back to life and they start dating again, but he can’t touch her.

THAT is a relationship with the odds stacked against it. They can’t kiss directly, can’t have sex, can’t have a spontaneous moment because they always need to have their skin covered by something, and of course kids are pretty much out of the question for now. Oh, and she’s legally dead, which constantly threatens them with exposure.

And really, almost none of the problems they have are their own doing. The only CHOICE that brings about obstacles in this relationship is the one that brought them together. So yeah, things like the “no touching” rule is a genuine obstacle, because there is literally no other option that would allow them to have a normal relationship.

Bella and Edturd? They can live emo-ily ever after whenever they want. NOTHING stands in their way. Edturd just chooses not to because he’s a sanctimonious sniveling sparkling PRICK.

Hell, the Volturi just basically confirmed that they’re gonna HAVE to whether Edturd likes it or not. The villains are making sure they get a happily ever after! FUCK THIS SERIES!

“I’ll never criticize Romeo again.”

Please don’t. No character in Twilight should dare to criticize a character from Shakespeare’s works.

“But I still don’t understand,” I said.

You never do. Why stop now?

“That’s my whole point. So what?”
“Excuse me?”
“So what if I was dead?”

… wait, what? That has NOTHING to do with what he said. Was the editor in surgery for a liver transplant by now?

“I remember everything that you told me.” Including the words that had negated all the rest.

  1. Because if you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend that you love them 9,999 times, then yell that you hate them ONCE, that blots out all the 9,999 times.
  2. Because logic.
  3. Oh, and this isn’t a great ad for never dating anyone until you meet your Wun Troo Lurv.
  4. You see what I mean about trying to manipulate you by making Bawla too stupid to live? Anyone with half a brain would have figured out what Edturd did, and that maybe he might have been lying.
  5. Bella? Not a clue, because she wants Edturd to proclaim his Forever Troo Lurv about fifty more times.
  6. In conclusion: Edturd is a really shitty boyfriend.

“I thought I’d explained it clearly before. Bella, I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.”
“I am…” My head swam as I looked for the appropriate word. “Confused.” That worked. I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying.


“I’m a good liar, Bella, I have to be.”

“I lie about being scary, I lie about being dangerous, I lie about slipping things in your drinks, I lie about my burning passion for Carlisle…”

For some reason, the revelation that her vampire boyfriend who lies constantly is a LIAR just shocks poor Bawla, who is also a liar who pours lies from her lying face-hole.

“I’m a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly.” He winced. “That was… excruciating.”

So even Edturd is amazed by how gullible she is. I’d expect him to also think that she’d get a clue after he spent the last few days humping her leg.

“I didn’t want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn’t convince you that I didn’t love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I’d moved on, so would you.”

  1. Get on what with what life?
  2. Come on, neither of them has a life.
  3. And all this melodrama is making me queasy.

“Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I’m so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn’t protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn’t work. I’m sorry.
“But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I’ve told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?”

Yeah yeah, melodrama melodrama + things men never say.

I honestly don’t know what Smeyer is trying to communicate about Bawla here. I guess since she doesn’t understand “show don’t tell,” she doesn’t get that she’s making her heroine look like a fucking idiot who can’t grasp the most basic human psychology.

It’s simple, really. He gets all upset because his fake-brother tries to suck Bella like a ripe orange. Then he breaks up with her very abruptly. Anybody who hasn’t suffered catastrophic brain damage could figure out the connection between these two events, and derive the basic meaning from it: HE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE OF THE DANGER, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

“I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn’t want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!”

I have to stop and marvel at how many cheesy, silly, Lifetime-movie speeches Stephenie Meyer can cram into a single chapter. It’s like this was written by a clueless 13-year-old who has probably never had a conversation with a man who isn’t her dad.

I know it’s total wish fulfillment, especially since Edturd spends this whole chapter repeating over and over and over that Bella is wonderful and he wuvs her so. But it’s such BAD wish fulfillment. It’s not enough that her dream guy spends all his time obsessing about her, and he’s a virgin, and he never has nor ever will want anyone else, and blah de blah de blah. He also has to sit around saying cheesy crap like this, which no man ever has or ever will say.

“How can I put this so that you’ll believe me? You’re not asleep, and you’re not dead. I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.”

I’m going to just post this.

Let that speak for itself.

“Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?”

Because Smeyer can draw out this torturous manipulation even longer, while verbally masturbating about how wonderful her Sue is.

“It never made sense for you to love me,” I explained, my voice breaking twice. “I always knew that.”

  1. That much is true. I mean, their relationship is based on looks and smell, and both people are repulsive dimwitted sociopaths who treat everyone else like shit.
  2. I can’t see why God would love them.
  3. So saying, “I don’t love you anymore” is totally believable to her…
  4. … but she doesn’t get the same message from him laughing at her misfortune, calling her stupid, making fun of her all the time, et cetra?

“I’ll prove you’re awake,” he promised.

“Now turn over and stick your ass up in the air…”

He caught my face securely between his iron hands, ignoring my struggles when I tried to turn my head away.

… well, I thought there was something missing: rapiness!

“Please don’t,” I whispered.

That doesn’t help either.

“okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it’s going to be hard enough without this, too.”

This is just getting monotonous. He just spent several minutes of my precious life vomiting bad romantic dialogue about how much he wuvs you, and the only response is, “Whatever, don’t kiss me because you don’t love me and you’re gonna leave.”

Edturd immediately concludes that hey, she clearly moved on emotionally and isn’t actually interested in him anymore. Which is stupid, because SHE JUMPED OFF A FUCKING CLIFF.

I stared at him darkly for a long moment. “The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

“And once I’m hot and sparkly, I’ll stalk you for the rest of eternity! You’ll never escape me!”

His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn’t fight him.

… again.

Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met.

Because you can’t kiss someone because you’re hot for them. You have to because your willpower magically evaporates. Free will is evil!

So it’s a super horny, writhy, lying-in-bed-together kiss that leads to absolutely nothing. Pretty sure in an earlier draft this led to a Hamilton-style three chapter sex scene, but since Smeyer has a “good girl” reputation to keep up, they just ACT like a couple minutes of kissing was sex.

When I was starting to get dizzy, he pulled away, only to lay his ear against my heart.

The word is “boob,” Smeyer. Stop pretending women don’t have them.

I lay there, dazed, waiting for my gasping to slow and quiet.

It takes almost nothing to get her off, huh?

“By the way,” he said in a casual tone. “I’m not leaving you.”

PUH-LEEZ. Like any man says that after spending the night!

No, Edturd goes off on a random spiel about how he wanted her to have a normal human life, so he left so she could have it. Again, this makes no logical sense. Edturd has constantly proven that he has nothing but contempt for humans, so why the hell is he SO determined for Bella to have a “human life”? He hates humans. He hates human lives. Why does he suddenly think it’s wonderful for HER to have it?

“It seems you can’t be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us.”

Doesn’t make any difference. He’s too much of a wimp to kill anyone OR protect her.

Anger glinted metallic in his black eyes. “You think I’m lying to you now?”

  1. “How dare you think I’m lying to you after I lied to you and then said I was a very good liar!” smack
  2. Also, what does anger look like, hmm?
  3. So they keep bleating at each other, with Bella insisting that he won’t really mean it, and Edturd bleats about how miserable he was without her.

“I’m not as strong as you give me credit for,” he said.

“I’m actually a sad little wimp who cried when Felix smacked me.”

“Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me;”

That much is true. Not sure why it’s supposed to be comforting.

So he announces that he was planning to come back and declare Bella his property again. Yeah, that killed what little tension there was – if Bawla had just moped around a few days more, he would have turned up and all this would have been for nothing.

“It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back.”


“I’d be happy to beg now, if you’d like that.”

“Haha, just kidding. You’re stupid and useless, now get me a sammich.”
“Oh, Edward, you’re so wonderful!”

And oh fuck, he’s talking again: “Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”

  1. Ugh… the writing HURTS. It’s so cheesy and purple, yet also so hackneyed. It’s a really mediocre author with very limited vocabulary trying to be poetic. And failing.
  2. Also, “brilliancy” has this useful synonym: “brilliance.” Learn to speak English.
  3. And SUCH a bad metaphor. So a moonless night is affected by a METEOR?
  4. You know what meteors do? They make little glowing streaks in the sky, which are nowhere near bright enough to fill the sky with light and last only a couple seconds. There are meteor STORMS which don’t even come close to lighting up the sky.

And you know what happens to meteors when that happens? They burn up. They burn up in the atmosphere. They don’t do anything because they cease to exist except as a puff of space ash. That’s what the glow is from, you stupid semi-literate twit. And they sure as fuck can’t glow brighter or longer than STARS, which are giant balls of burning gas that last for millions of years.

If you see a meteor burning so brightly that it blots out the darkness… it’s not a meteor, but a METEORITE. Which, FYI, will then crash into the ground and cause more damage than dozens of nuclear bombs. Just what you want to compare your girlfriend to, you fucking idiot.

I wanted to believe him. But this was my life without him that he was describing, not the other way around.

… punch her. Please, someone hammer her in the jaw.

Bella keeps insisting that he can’t possibly want to be with her, ie fishing for compliments.

“What about your distractions?”

I still don’t even know what the hell those were. Was it a euphemism for something?

Of course, Edturd announces that nothing could distract him from his beloved Bawla, and… he felt like his chest was empty! And now a sad kitten.

“Like I’d left everything that was inside me here with you.”

“Especially my spleen and large intestine.”

“I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven’t been able to really breathe in so long.” I filled my lungs, luxuriating in the sensation. “And my heart. That was definitely lost.”

Here’s two for the price of one!

And something for the shitty attempts at symbolism.

He closed his eyes and laid his ear over my heart again.

Fortunately this was Twilight, so there were no boobs involved.

And then Edturd finally reveals that he was trying to track Victoria. Why? Um… never entirely made clear. I guess he’s pissed because her boyfriend tried to kill Bawla?

… wait, WHAT? We’re supposed to see Victoria as a villain because she wants to hunt down and kill the girlfriend of the person who killed her lover… but when Edward wants to hunt down and kill the lover of the guy who TRIED to kill his girlfriend, we’re supposed to cheer?

I mean, I’m not saying that Victoria is a good person or whatever, but Edturd did this purely out of spite. He believed that the threat to Bella was over, and that Victoria was NOT coming after her. He only JUST found out that Victoria has apparently been sitting in the ocean, waiting for a chance to pop Bella’s head like a ripe grape.

And it’s not like Victoria was standing outside the building fending off the Cullens while her boyfriend tried to kill Bella. Her whole involvement was to run off in a random direction, and the Cullens were dumb enough to follow her. And for that, Edturd decided she deserves to die.

I’m sorry, why the hell should I side with Edturd? Fuck him!

“You were hunting Victoria?” I half-shrieked as soon as I could find my voice, shooting through two octaves.

And then I can add “shrill” to Bella’s long list of annoying traits.

For some reason, this makes her angry, and she immediately decides that even a bunch of other vampires couldn’t possibly kill Victoria. Why? Because DRAMA.

“But I’ll do better this time. She won’t be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer.”

… but… she’s a vampire. She doesn’t need to breathe.

I think Smeyer thought that was a cool one-liner, but it’s too long and awkward. Especially the “breathing in and out” part. How else do people breathe?

Insanity. Even if he had Emmett or Jasper help him. Even if he had Emmett and Jasper help. It was worse than my other imaginings: Jacob Black standing across a small space from Victoria’s vicious and feline figure. I couldn’t bear to picture Edward there,

WHY THE FUCK NOT? Victoria is ONE VAMPIRE and she lost her only ally. She has no special powers to make her deadlier in a fight.

Just two or three other vampires killed her boyfriend, so why is it suddenly so scary to imagine a few of them killing HER? Oh right, because Bella needs some excuse for the third book to happen.

even though he was so much more durable than my half-human best friend.

  1. He’s not half human. GOT IT?
  2. Why the hell does she assume Edturd is stronger or more resilient than the werewolves?
  3. Oh right, because Edturd must be the best at everything. If God appeared in front of Bella, she’d insist that he couldn’t be as powerful as her sparkling prick boyfriend.
  4. The werewolves dispatched a lone vampire without any trouble. Why the hell should Victoria somehow be more difficult?

“It’s too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—”

“I was only going to kill her because her boyfriend tried to kill you, but now that I know she’s been stalking you, I HAVE to kill her! I’m the only one allowed to stalk you!”
“Oh, Edturd!”

And after… what? Victoria hasn’t actually done anything to her yet.

“Didn’t you just promise that you weren’t going to leave?” I asked, fighting the words as I said them, nor letting them plant themselves in my heart. “That isn’t exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?”

… except for the part where Victoria is hanging around the same area they’re currently in. So tracking her down would be easy and quick.

But silly me. I forgot that Edward only attacks prepubescent girls.

“I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria”—the snarl became more pronounced—”is going to die. Soon.”

“And by that, I mean I just wimped out on actually hunting her down even though it should take maybe a day, tops.”
“Oh Edturd, you’re so dangerous!”

“Maybe she’s not coming back. Jake’s pack probably scared her off.”

So one minute nobody can possibly kill Victoria without being in mortal peril, and then the werewolves scare her off by… uh… existing.

Edward’s eyes narrowed, but he nodded. “It’s true. The werewolves are a problem.”
I snorted. “I wasn’t talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble.”

  1. “Like, I was totally going to have sex with one of those werewolves and I acted like they were my best friends in the world because they kept saving my ass. But now that I like, have sparkly white rich vampires again, I don’t need them anymore.”
  2. Bella really is the worst friend ever. When she isn’t selling out the vampires, she’s treating the werewolves – you know, the people who repeatedly innocent people from vampires – with contempt.
  3. Yeah, remember them? They knew she was in bed with their mortal enemies, but they trusted her with their secrets, spent all their time protecting her, and were generally really nice and accepting.
  4. How does she repay them? As soon as she gets a sparklepire again, she ditches them faster than a pair of old panties and sneers about “a handful of adolescent wolves.”
  5. What a bitch.

So what problems are bigger than that? Well, the Volturi. I can’t disagree, because they DID issue an ultimatum: turn her or she dies. But Edturd acts like this isn’t a big deal, because he’s an idiot.

“Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again,” he added lightly.

Yeah, thirty. Because hey, it’s no big deal if they kill her when she’s thirty. It’s only a big deal if you’re brutally murdered as a teenager.

And yeah, that’s basically how Bella feels – she’s horrified that Edturd would “let me get all old anyway,” because she’s a shallow little ass and Stephenie Meyer is terrified of aging. Edturd insists that he’s just going to hang around for the next ten years (you know, the rest of her life, since thirty is “all old”) and not turn her.

And if anyone thinks he’s unselfish, consider: that means he doesn’t want her to fall in love with anyone else, marry, have sex, have children or have a life outside of him. But she still gets to grow old and die. Yeah, that sounds like a bargain!

And what happens when the Volturi show up? Well, he apparently doesn’t have a plan. He’s not going to turn her, so he’ll unselfishly allow her to be brutally murdered and not even give her the option of a choice.

His eyes softened, while his mouth went hard. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul.”

  1. Nice try. We all know Bella doesn’t have a soul.
  2. Don’t even try to get into theological issues, you vapid waste of glitter.
  3. If you even believe in a soul in the Judeo-Christian sense, you’d probably also believe that it can’t be fucking destroyed.
  4. So where did Edturd get this weird theological position, which isn’t supported by anyone or anything?
  5. Especially since Smeyer’s vampires are depicted as being biologically based. They’re not supernatural. So why would a weird mutation in the body affect the soul?
  6. Again, I’m not even sure why Edturd has a say in this. Alice has already volunteered to turn Bella, and so did Aro. Why is he needed again?

Was this fixation with keeping me human really about my soul, or was it because he wasn’t sure that he wanted me around that long?

Neither. It’s because if you’re human, he can humiliate, bully and push you around. As a vampire, he couldn’t do any of that.

Of course, Bella wants to know what will happen when she looks as old as his grandmother, just like in her dream (oh smeyer you so smart!). And he bullshits her about how looks don’t matter and she’ll always be beautiful, and other horseshit no man would ever say.

“If you outgrew me—if you wanted something more—I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn’t stand in your way if you wanted to leave me.”

“Of course, I’ll spend the rest of your life stalking you and murdering your other boyfriends. But that’s just how much I love you and want you to be happy.”

His eyes were liquid onyx and utterly sincere.

Yeah, bullshit. He was enraged by the idea of her marrying anyone else when they hadn’t even spoken to each other; no way is he okay with her leaving him.

“You do realize that I’ll die eventually, right?” I demanded.
He’d thought about this part, too. “I’ll follow after as soon as I can.”

So vampirism bad, suicide okay? Some morals he’s got. I guess his belief in the soul is only when it’s convenient.

Bella points out that the “we’re just gonna hope they don’t remember this for a decade or two” plan is stupid, and Edturd reminds me why I say he’s stupid.

He grinned while I stared at him warily. Maybe I wasn’t the only crazy one.
“I have a few plans.”

“First, we slather pancake makeup on you, then we add lots of eye makeup and glitter. It’s foolproof!”

Nah, that’s giving him too much credit. He probably plans to hide Bella in a big cardboard box, and just tell the Volturi, “See, she’s not here anymore. Totally dead.”

He also informs Bella that all his little genius plans, which he’s only come up with in the last DAY, involve keeping her human against her will.

Then I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, I pushed his arms away so that I could sit up.

Comma clauses, they ran together, I hated it.

Also, how do you square your shoulders when you’re lying in bed?

So she’s planning to go to the Cullens’ house… which might still be empty. I mean, has anyone made any mentions of them moving back in?

and headed for the door.
He was there before me, blocking my way.

Ah, the perfect man – if he doesn’t want you to go somewhere, he’ll physically stop you. Is he going to chop of her leg and chain her to the bed?

I frowned, and turned for the window. It wasn’t really that far to the ground, and it was mostly grass beneath…

Yes, that drop that she claimed would kill Jacob earlier in the book. Funny how reality bends according to what Bawla wants.

So after two books of being spineless, useless and generally unable to do anything for herself, we’re supposed to believe that Bella suddenly is making her own decisions. I also believe in Bigfoot, space blobs and honest politicians, so I may be a little gullible.

I shrugged. “Either way. But you probably should be there, too.”
“And why is that?”
“Because you’re extraordinarily opinionated, and I’m sure you’ll want a chance to air your views.”

What views? He doesn’t have any. The only excuse he’s given is, “Being a vampire destroys your soul! I can’t prove or support this with any evidence or belief system, but it’s true!”

“This isn’t just about you anymore. You’re not the center of the universe, you know.” My own personal universe was, of course, a different story.

… except when she wants something and he won’t give it. Then suddenly he’s just a small galaxy with no impact on the universe whatsoever.

“If you’re going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say.”


No, seriously, WHY? Why should the other Cullens have anything to do with the process? Especially since the Volturi don’t seem to think that the vampires should be penalized for revealing their nature to Bella; otherwise they would have tried to off Edturd when they had the chance.

I’d also like to mention that it makes Edward look really stupid and clueless to think he can trick the Volturi, after they gave him a loophole that allowed him to save Bella from certain death. That just make him look like an ungrateful brat.

“My mortality. I’m putting it to a vote.”

… again, WHY? Why should a person’s ultimate destiny not be THEIR decision, but the decision of her boyfriend’s pseudo-family?

Oh wait, there’s a reason…and it makes no sense. I’m all for democracy, but this seems ridiculous, especially since ALICE HAS ALREADY VOLUNTEERED.


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