New Moon Chapter 7

I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing here

GASP! The H-E-double-hockey-sticks word! Quick, pass the holy water red editing pen so I can purify this profanity-laden book!

 
Was I trying to push myself back into the zombie stupor?

Probably, because Smeyer doesn’t seem to realize that you can express sadness without being suicidally emo.

 
Had I turned masochistic—developed a taste for torture?

TURNED? You mean, she wasn’t meant to be a hardcore masochist right from the start?! I’m surprised she doesn’t wear nipple clamps under her bland sexless clothes.

 
I should have gone straight down to La Push. I felt much, much healthier around Jacob. This was not a healthy thing to do.

I love how people say this book is a good influence because nobody in the cast has sex until they get married. But at the same time, it has the message that you can do all sorts of shit that is psychologically unhealthy (like dating A VAMPIRE WHO IS ALWAYS HUNGRY FOR YOU), and that that is PERFECTLY FINE. You don’t die or end up screwing up your life – you will just end up gorgeous, rich, immortal, with a “perfect” hellspawn baby and constant furniture-smashing sex with a “perfect” asshole husband.

“Jennie, are you shooting up with heroin? Don’t you know how bad that is for you?”
“Like, DUH. I totally know that. But because I’m a bland white teenage girl, things will magically turn out all right for me!”

So apparently Bella is driving through the woods. Really slowly. Riveting, isn’t it? Apparently she’s decided to imitate her nightmare and start searching for Edward in the woods… even though I somehow doubt he’s squatting in a cave in the woods. For some reason, someone who spent the whole first book whining about how HORRIBLE it was to move from one place to another, it doesn’t seem to have sunk in that HELLO DUMBASS! Edward might have… moved somewhere else!

 
Unattainable and impossible, uncaring and distracted… but he was out there, somewhere. I had to believe that.

Without a hot rich boyfriend, I have no presence or purpose in life!

 
The feeling that I was starting over—perhaps the way my first day would have gone if I’d really been the most unusual person in the cafeteria that afternoon.

“Yes, I am soooooo speshul and unique and UNUSUAL compared to all these boring sheeple. Ignore the conjoined twins Jake and Max doing magic tricks in the corner, next to Trixie with her third eye and single enormous boob, across from Alex the man-tiger hybrid …”

Seriously, how arrogant and self-centered do you have to be to ASSUME that you’re the most unusual person in any random group of people unless there are FUCKING VAMPIRES?! News flash, puta – you are not not unusual. The world is full of whiny, bland, stupid, unintelligent girls with no actual talents, who think their wangst makes them special. One of them starred as Bella in the movies.

I was lying to myself by splitting my reason for coming here into just two parts. I didn’t want to admit the strongest motivation. Because it was mentally unsound.

  1. Stephenie Meyer seems to be operating on the LKH principle that if your obnoxious heroine admits her defects that all the readers can PLAINLY SEE, then she doesn’t have to worry about actually trying to FIX those defects.
  2. In other words: we can already tell that your heroine is mentally ill, stupid, and self-destructive.
  3. When you actually draw attention to it by repeatedly TELLING us that she is mentally ill, stupid and self-destructive, you’re just underscoring that you are aware of how sick and twisted your characters are, but that you don’t have a problem with any of their behavior.
  4. Especially since they also actively AVOID what they consider to be “healthy” behavior.

So Bella has decided to go out to Edward’s house in the hopes that it will make her hallucinate his voice again. Has it occurred to her that they might have SOLD the house? Of course not! And I doubt it would stop her anyway. I can easily imagine the Mormon Anita Blake breaking into a total stranger’s home because her boyfriend once lived there. I can also imagine the people returning home and discovering a naked insane teenage girl rolling all over their piano.

 
But those precious moments when I could hear him again were an irresistible lure.

I loved hearing him burp and yell “Woman, get me a beer! Don’t make me slap you around!”

So then Bella gets disoriented because, even though she hasn’t been there in months, she decides it’s taking WAY too long to drive through the woods. And the house is deserted and is being invaded by Killer Alien Ferns – because, you know, they’re so rich and awesome that they don’t NEED to sell a house they don’t plan to ever come back to. They probably have empty houses littered all across the world! They can’t even keep track of their hundreds of abandoned houses!

 
Though nothing had changed on the outside, the emptiness screamed from the blank windows. It was creepy. For the first time since I’d seen the beautiful house, it looked like a fitting haunt for vampires.

Stop reminding us of better vampire stories.

Also, THIS

will never, ever look like a “fitting” vampire house. Call me back when they buy a rambling Victorian infested with bats.

So Bawla stands there for awhile, drooling on herself and wangsting about how she can’t feel her ex’s presence by standing outside an empty house. Oh, and she leaves the engine running for no reason. Global warming is YOUR FAULT, bitch! Then she just goes scampering back to her truck and goes off whining about how she’s getting addicted to Jacob, but she doesn’t give a damn. Bella NEEDS supernatural penis!

 
Jacob was waiting for me. My chest seemed to relax as soon as I saw him, making it easier to breathe.

And now she was DRIVING while unable to breathe. Selfish WHORE.

 
I was somehow able to laugh. “You seriously aren’t sick of me yet?” I wondered.

A very valid question. And the answer is…

YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A THOUSAND TIMES YEEEEESSS!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT, WE ARE SOOOOOOOO SICK OF YOUR WORTHLESS ASS!!!!!!!! GOODBYE!!!!!!!

He must be starting to ask himself how desperate I was for company.

Oh, I’m sure he knows just how desperate she is for supernatural penis company.

 
“Nope. Not yet.”
“Please let me know when I start getting on your nerves. I don’t want to be a pain.”
“Okay.” He laughed, a throaty sound. “I wouldn’t hold your breath for that, though.”

  1. So Jacob has a voice like Lauren Bacall? That’s a little strange.
  2. Bella doesn’t want to be a pain? Uh, since when?
  3. And this makes Jacob the ONE PERSON with a penis who won’t get sick of Bawla’s presence. I mean, have you ever flashed a copy of Twilight at a man?
  4. It’s kind of like showing the Bible to Ricky Gervais.

Seriously, Bella Swan is the worst nightmare of ALL heterosexual men on this planet. Many men would seriously consider the choice if given the option of having Bella Swan fall in love with him or being castrated with a spoon. Any man I have EVER seen expressing an honest unabridged opinion of Twilight has expressed loathing for Bella and Edward both.

And even with THAT in mind, does anyone else think it’s amusing that Jacob only wants Bella around because he wants to bone her?  No man she encounters wants to spend any time around her for reasons OTHER than sex. EVER.

Jacob has magically resurrected the motorcycle, but is sad and mopey because he thinks Bawla won’t come around and see him if she can’t get free labor out of him. Wow, even Jacob knows she’s a selfish bitch who is just using him.

 
Finally, he asked me, “Bella, if I told you that I couldn’t fix these bikes, what would you say?”

“I would say that you are total fail because you’re poor and Indian instead of rich and toothpaste-colored, and you can’t even fix something for a spoiled middle-class white girl.”
“Yeah, that’s what I expected.”

Nah, Bella makes some noncommittal lie about how they’d just do homework or something.

 
“So you think you’ll still come over when I’m done, then?”

“That depends on whether my perfect sparkly boyfriend returns. He doesn’t allow me to talk to people. Or leave the kitchen. He’s DREAMY.”

 
“I guess I am taking advantage of your very underpriced mechanical skills. But as long as you let me come over, I’ll be here.”

You see? You see what I mean? Even Bella admits that she’s taken advantage of him. What part of her charming selfless personality is THIS?

“Hoping to see Quil again?” he teased.
“You caught me.”

Stop trying to be funny, Smeyer. You’re bad at it.

 
“I have to work tomorrow, but Wednesday we’ll do something nonmechanical.”

“Like, you can cook meals for me and do my homework, and I’ll reward you by staring blankly while you talk. I’m so generous!”

 
“I have no idea. We can go to my place so you won’t be tempted to be obsessive.”

… obsessive about WHAT? Did I miss something?

So Bella offers to have Jacob come over to her house twice a week so they can shag like bunnies do homework together, even though they’re not going to the same school or same grade. Yay, I’m sure Jacob was hoping to do something fun like HOMEWORK when she offered to do something nonmechanical. Bella really is as fun as a moldy sponge – when she offers to go do stuff with you, she means hanging around her house doing boring stuff.

Seriously, Smeyer must have the most boring life ever if her Sue never even WANTS to do anything except sit at home doing homework.

He made a face, and I wondered how much he was leaving undone to be with me.

Funny how this didn’t cross her mind BEFORE he got her what she wanted.

So Bella drops yet another oops-I-totally-didn’t-mean-to-make-us-sound coupley moment, presumably to assuage any tiny stillborn bits of guilt about Jacob’s homework. And no, she doesn’t notice that he’s thinking, “Ol’ Jakey’s finally gettin’ some!”, even though it’s as obvious as an Adam Sandler character.

 
“Here’s to responsibility,” he toasted. “Twice a week.”
“And recklessness every day in between,” I emphasized.

Excuse me, I need to laugh my head off at the idea of Bella doing anything more exciting than making fried chicken.

So Bella goes home and provides us with more dull details – Charlie got a pizza, Renee wrote an email, Bella writes another email. Thrillsville.

 
Angela and Mike seemed ready to welcome me back with open arms—to kindly overlook my few months of aberrant behavior.

Of course they do. Mike wants to bone her like every other teenage male in this series, and Angela is like Piglet: timid and happy with any approval from someone slightly less uncool than her.

Jess was more resistant. I wondered if she needed a formal written apology for the Port Angeles incident.

What a bitch. I mean, staying away from a self-destructive loon who could have gotten them both horribly hurt or killed? HOW DARE SHE!

So Bella tolerates Mike because he’s NICE and FRIENDLY and doesn’t give her Suicidal Death Machines of Death.

But then OH NO HORRORZ, Mike asks her out! The social awkwardness of it all! Doesn’t he know that the only penises that interest her are attached to supernatural creatures?

 
“I don’t date,” I said slowly, realizing how true that was.

“It would be too much like having a life!”

So she shoves him off by saying that she has a study session with “a friend,” which Mike pretty obviously interprets correctly. Then Bella wangsts about how everything felt like an echo—an empty echo, devoid of the interest it used to have. HELLO? SMEYER? We read the first fucking book, and we KNOW that Bella was totally uninterested in anything non-Cullen-related back then. Stop pretending Bella actually had a life BEFORE the Cullens left, because she didn’t!

So halfway through the second book, Smeyer finally has Bella making ACTUAL FOOD, namely lasagna. There’s a slim chance Charlie won’t have a coronary before Broken Down.

 
Jacob stayed for dinner, and took a plate home for Billy. He grudgingly added another year to my negotiable age for being a good cook.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. IT’S FUNNY. See Smeyer introducing HUMOR? It totally fails! This is as funny as the Penn State scandal.

So Bella starts spreading her boring blandness into Jacob’s life too – when they aren’t fixing her Sucide Death Machine of Danger, they sit around watching the Discovery Channel or doing homework. Is Smeyer even aware that other people in the world do this thing called “having fun” where they go out and DO SHIT that entertains them? This woman seems to aspire to be as dull as possible.

 
“I probably ought to go.” Jacob sighed. “It’s later than I thought.”
“Okay, fine,” I grumbled. “I’ll take you home.”
He laughed at my unwilling expression—it seemed to please him.

Uh, Jakey-poo? She’s not reluctant because she’s hot for you. She’s grumbling because she’s a lazy bitch whose life ambition is to become a mattress tester, so she can do nothing but lie there all day.

So after ushering Jacob out of her house – seriously, the dude is a technical wizard but has to be chauffeured by Bawla? – Bawla sits around contemplating her nightmares and how the scenery is now of the place where the Cullen house is… except the house has VANISHED.

 
Charlie was outside washing the cruiser, so when the phone rang, I dropped the toilet brush and ran downstairs to answer it.

Ah yes, the manly man is doing manly things like washing his manly car. Because that’s what men do. The women, meanwhile, must clean the toilets.

Yeah, no matter how many times Smeyer tries to cram this fakey-fake “domestic goddess” thing down our throats (especially since Bella comes across as hugely lazy and self-involved), she can’t erase the fact that Charlie HAS BEEN LIVING ALONE FOR ALMOST TWO DECADES. And when Bella got there, it wasn’t exactly a pile of filth, McDonald’s wrappers and unwashed clothes. It was EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT IS NOW.

Oh, but we can’t have a book where the females don’t do housework and serve the menfolk, and the menfolk don’t sit around scratching their dicks and belching! We must show the world as it SHOULD be!

But then Jakey calls Bella and informs her that…

 
“I believe that… we have a date” he said, his tone thick with implications.
It took me a second before I got it. “They’re done? I can’t believe it!”

Uh, when a guy says “we have a date” to you with lots of implied subtext… he doesn’t mean “I’ve finished slaving away for you, middle-class white girl.”

 
What perfect timing. I needed something to distract me from nightmares and nothingness.

Someone suggested that I actually get a life instead of wallowing in emoness, but I ignored them.

 
“Jacob, you are absolutely, without a doubt, the most talented and wonderful person I know.”

“Except my sparkly boyfriend and his hot rich family. Like, they’re perfect in every way, so a plebe like YOU couldn’t possibly compare. But you’re the most talented wonderful person among all the boring mundane losers who are TOTALLY below… hello? Hello?”

 
“You get ten years for this one.”
“Cool! I’m middle-aged now.”

Just what every teenage boy aspires to be.

So because Bella takes her domestic duties SO seriously, she just dumps everything and leaves the house. Charlie doesn’t care, because he wants her to hook up with Jacob. Yeah, because transparently stereotypical Sitcom Dads are just fine with their daughters running off to spend time with horny teenage boys in empty garages with no possibility of adults showing up.

 
I parked my truck off to the side of the Blacks’ house, close to the trees, to make it easier for us to sneak the bikes out.

… out to WHERE, dumb bitch? I’m pretty sure that your dad might notice the ENORMOUS MACHINE lying in the back of a pickup. Is she planning to hide it under her bed?

So the motorcycles have magically become like new, mainly because Jacob worked his ass off. And promptly Bella starts wussing out. Because she’s good at that.

 
but I didn’t feel quite as excited as before; I was trying to imagine myself actually on the motorcycle.

The entire point of this motorcycle is so she can put herself in danger. But then she gets spooked because… it’s dangerous.

YOU. SO. DUMB.

So Jacob announces that he knows where they can ride their motorcycles, and Bella spends the whole time ignoring Jacob so she can stare at the ocean. Whoa, that’s like, deep, man! Then suddenly Bella’s Whorey Senses start tingling! Hark! There be supernatural penis nearby!

 
I couldn’t tell from the distance how old they were, but I assumed they were men.

After all, all the women are at home cooking and cleaning, where they belong!

 
Despite the chill in the air today, they seemed to be wearing only shorts.

So she can see what they’re wearing, but can’t tell if they have tits. Remember, she’s the SMART person in this crappy series!

 
I slowed automatically, my foot hesitating over the brake pedal.

“I have a chance of being violently gang-banged after all! Hey, half-naked hot men…!”

No, she freaks out because the guy leaps of a cliff, and decides to jump out of her car even though she KNOWS it won’t help. Oh, who am I kidding? She only jumped out because she knew it wouldn’t help. If she did have a chance to help, she’d lie there like a slug.

Jacob laughed, and I spun to stare at him wildly. How could he be so calloused, so cold-blooded?

It’s “callous,” you dumb bitch. He’s only “calloused” on the hands from producing your fucking bike.

 
“They’re just cliff diving, Bella. Recreation. La Push doesn’t have a mall, you know.”

Uh, Forks doesn’t either.

 
He was teasing, but there was a strange note of irritation in his voice.

Jacob’s thoughts: “Damn, she’s annoying. First I have to spend weeks fixing a bike for an entitled brat who’s too cheap to get it done professionally, and now she screeches my ear off when she sees people actually having fun. I better get some booty after all this trouble!”

So they natter on about the cliff diving for what seems like an eternity, with Bella playing the fluttering timid female… until she finds out that Jacob has gone cliff-diving too. And then suddenly she’s slavering for it.

 
I’d never witnessed anything so reckless in all my life.

It was even more reckless as the people who wore band T-shirts and drank Red Bull! Could these be the legendary people with LIVES?

Bella demands that Jacob take her cliff diving, and he unsurprisingly thinks this is a shitty idea, since Bella does nothing but lie around being boring. Bella actually tries to run off and leap off the cliff RIGHT AWAY, and Jacob has to convince her to wait for a less cold day.

 
“Sometimes you’re a little strange, Bella. Do you know that?”

“I mean, that girl Jessica says that you tried to get some dudes at a bar to rape you. And you turned down that one guy by insisting, ‘I only date supernatural creatures.'”

 
I sighed. “Yes.”

“I’m so very speshul and unusual. Nobody understands my unique self.”
“Actually, I meant you’re a fucking lunatic.”
“Yes, my speshul snowflake self comes across as mentally ill, but to the millions of squealing teenage girls who idealize me, I am a shining saint of romantic awesomeness.”
“… I changed my mind. I’m going home.”

So Bawla ogles the half-naked guys jumping off a cliff until Jacob gets pissed and makes her drive away. We also get a whole bunch of EPIC FORESHADOWING about these guys.

Jacob declares that those guys are “The La Push Gang” but that they’re “like hall monitors gone bad.” Since no supernaturals in Smeyer’s little imaginary world can be anything but All Purity And Sunshine or All HamFisted Evil, they are who chase away undesirables, meet with the council and “keep the peace.” Sounds like the Mafia, but with less clothing.


And may their first child be a furry child…

“They’re all about our land, and tribe pride… it’s getting ridiculous.”

Because becoming a werewolf immediately makes you a jingoistic douchebag, apparently.

 
“Embry also heard from Leah Clearwater that they call themselves ‘protectors’ or something like that.”

And who do they protect the people of the reservation from? NOBODY. They spend the next few books only protecting Bella, because for some reason she’s SOOOOOOO fucking important to them.

So Jacob sits there fuming about the werewolves gang for a few minutes, and natters on with more EPIC FORESHADOWING.

 
I spoke quickly again to divert myself from the bleak memories. “Isn’t Sam a little too old for this kind of thing?”

“I should know best, since I’m a middle-aged hag.”
“Do you EVER shut up?”

 
“Yeah. He was supposed to go to college, but he stayed. And no one gave him any crap about it, either. The whole council pitched a fit when my sister turned down a partial scholarship and got married. But, oh no, Sam Uley can do no wrong.”

Okay, Smeyer. Enough with the clumsy foreshadowing. We get it. Jacob’s pissed because werewolf boy isn’t going to college and the council doesn’t care.

Here’s one thing I don’t get: why isn’t Sam going to college? It’s not like the werewolves in this series go insane and start killing things at the full moon. Why couldn’t he go to college? The Alphas managed it nicely!

The answer: Smeyer doesn’t think college is important if you’re a supernatural creature. Being a werewolf or vampire means you don’t need to pay rent! LOGIC!

 
His face was set in unfamiliar lines of outrage—outrage and something else I didn’t recognize at first.

Then he farted.

So while Jacob takes the bikes down, Bella refuses to drop the subject and starts nosing around in Jacob’s business. Lemme guess, she’s one of those people who likes to pick at scabs. Mind your own beeswax, bitch.

 
The bike suddenly looked intimidating, frightening, as I realized I would soon be astride it.

Just pretend it’s Edward. After ten minutes, you’ll be bouncing along at ninety MPH, screaming “HARDER! FASTER!”

So after Bella starts bothering him, Jacob admits that Sam Uley treats him in a weird way and the weird unofficial hierarchy among the tribe’s council.

 
“My great-grandpa, Ephraim Black, was sort of the last chief we had, and they still listen to Billy, maybe because of that.”

… the hell? Why does Jacob ALSO call his dad by his first name?! Is this some sort of thing that Stephenie Meyer thinks is normal?

So Jacob reveals that Sam treats him as if he’s going to join his gang, and that “He pays more attention to me than any of the other guys. I hate it.” Well, maybe he’s just so entranced by your glistening abs.

This is Bella’s opportunity to pretend she actually cares about someone else, and get mad because someone is DARING to maybe possibly think Jacob might join his gang! She’s just OUTRAGED. I mean, how DARE Sam just hang out and not say anything even vaguely threatening or inviting to Jacob! What a fiend!

Then Jacob mentions that his buddies Quil and Embry have also been avoiding him lately.

 
The thoughts didn’t seem connected, but I wondered if I was to blame for the problems with his friend.

Hmm, she’s been spending every day with him while one of his friends had a major crisis. Ya think?

 
“You’ve been hanging out with me a lot,” I reminded him, feeling selfish. I’d been monopolizing him.

Funny how she only notes this after he’s given her what she wants.

But worst of all… now Embry is actually hanging out with Sam Uley! The horror! I mean, it’s not like Jacob dumped him for a girl! And Jacob is freaking out because he thinks Sam is somehow brainwashing these boys into following him, and that Sam will target him next.

 
“Then this week, out of nowhere, Embry’s hanging out with Sam and the rest of them. He was out on the cliffs today.” His voice was low and tense.

“And we had a date to go dancing this weekend! Just the two of us in a romantic nightclub! I HATE HIM!”

It turns out Jacob has been asking his dad about this, but his dad didn’t really say anything helpful, just that he’d explain in a few years if Jacob didn’t do… something. You know, it occurs to me that this would actually make a really awesome urban fantasy, focusing on a boy’s coming-of-age with some psychological horror and the struggle to remain independent… plus werewolves.

Instead, we focus on Bawla Wan’s boring-ass life and whining. Fuck this book.

So what does Bella do? Well, if she stayed in character in this chapter, she would sit there drooling and thinking about herself while Jacob talks, since she’s never shown any interest in anything he’s said before. The only reason she’s paying attention now is because it’s related to the plot. So instead she… randomly hugs him.

 
I threw my arms around him instinctively, wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against his chest. He was so big, I felt like I was a child hugging a grown-up.

Add another chalk mark to the “Infantilization of women” board. When Smeyer isn’t depicting the IDEAL relationships as that of young females and much older paternalistic men (Bella/Edward, Jacob/Renesmee, Carlisle/Esme), she’s emphasizing that women are just like little children.

Even weirder, the whole “wrapping them around his waist” is not something that a grown woman has to do unless she’s smaller than Kristen Chenoweth. That is something small children do. Unless Jacob is so huge that he could not fit into a normal people’s house, there is no way that an average-sized woman should be THAT SMALL compared to him.

In fact, she hammers this home by having Bella talk like a five-year-old: “Oh, Jake, it’ll be okay!” I promised. “If it gets worse you can come live with me and Charlie. Don’t be scared, we’ll think of something!” I’ll give you my teddy bear and my bankie, and we’ll make a blanket fort for you to live in! Don’t be scared!

Seriously, she just hugged him and said THAT. Considering that Bella takes pride in acting like a bitter world-weary divorcee, that seems so contrived that it actually burns. And given the later “child bride” theme of the series… it almost makes you wonder if Bawla was written to be extremely underage.

 
“Thanks, Bella.” His voice was huskier than usual.

“Can we have sex now?”
“No! I’m saving myself for the sparklepeen!”
“… it was worth asking.”

 
This didn’t feel anything like the last time someone had embraced me this way. This was friendship. And Jacob was very warm.

  1. I can see why this is a new situation for Bella. Can you imagine someone like her having FRIENDS?
  2. These sentences have nothing to do with each other.
  3. No, it’s NOT friendship, you stupid bitch. I’m surprised Jacob isn’t popping a giant boner right now.
  4. I mean, you flirted him into a crush in the previous book, and now you’re spending all your time with him WHEN YOU KNOW HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.

I didn’t normally relate to people so easily, on such a basic level.

“I’m a cold, bitchy, misanthropic shell of a human who treats her own parents like tapeworms. Be impressed by my speshulness!”

Not human beings.

Wow, there’s a shock. I wonder if there’s something supernatural about Jacob. The suspense is just too much for me. I’m eager to know what happens next.

And can someone explain to me why Bella’s inability to connect to ANYONE else who isn’t a sparkly rich vampire is supposed to be a good thing? Oh right, special smart elite people are on a different level from mere plebeians.

And yes, Jacob doesn’t see this whole standing-there-hugging-and-cuddling thing as being platonic. Yeah, for some reason this is supposed to be a surprise to Bella… even though she KNOWS he has the hots for her, and she’s been encouraging him for the past few weeks so she can get what she wants from him. She seems to get convenient amnesia about this sort of thing whenever it might get her something. Bitch.

So… does Bella do the honorable thing and tell Jacob that she isn’t really interested in him romantically? Does she explain that she’s coming off a bad breakup? Does she try to emphasize that she values his friendship and likes him as a person, and that she doesn’t want him to get the wrong idea about her feelings?

 

 

….

 

 

ARE YOU KIDDING? Expecting Bella to be honest and brave is like expecting a piglet to conduct an orchestra.

So because she’s a lying coward, Bella just drops an incredibly lame hint about how she’s two years older than Jacob. Hey, Smeyer? Little tip on teenage boys: they are horny. When they are horny for a girl, they don’t STOP being horny just because there’s a small age gap. A sixteen-year-old boy is not going to magically stop wanting to bonk an eighteen-year-old girl because she mentions her age. It’s especially dumb because SHE WANTS TO FUCK A CENTENARIAN… but a two year gap is supposed to make Jacob run for the hills.

Then again, this is the woman who keeps writing in troo lurv as “father/daughter incesty-overtoned mutual obsession.” Could you really expect her to pair a younger man with an older woman? Ew, so perverse!

 
He patted my head. “You’re like a little doll,” he teased. “A porcelain doll.”

“Almost like that Anita Blake character… except that she’s violent and psychopathic, whereas you’re a passive lazy blob who is merely sociopathic.”

 
“Let’s not start with the albino cracks.”
“Seriously, Bella, are you sure you’re not?”

  1. This isn’t half as funny as Smeyer thinks it is.
  2. Actually it’s about as funny as getting stitches.
  3. Also, I have shocking news for her: pale skin is not that superspeshulsnowflakey a trait. LOTS OF PEOPLE HAVE IT.
  4. But since Bella is a blatant Sue, EVERY quality she has much be uber-speshul, like Anita Blake’s giant nuclear tatas. So she can’t just be fair-skinned, she has to be the PALEST HUMAN ALIVE.
  5. If her Sue were half as pale as she claims, she would be getting sunburned ALL THE TIME.
  6. And yes, Smeyer, we get it. Your nasty, vile excuse for a character is destined to become a vampire. Your clumsy foreshadowing doesn’t impress me.

He stretched his russet arm out next to mine. The difference wasn’t flattering.

It wouldn’t be, considering what the color “russet” looks like.

I think Jacob has some sort of circulation disorder.

So Jacob accidentally reminds Bitcha that they’re there to ride the Death Machines Of Suicidal Doom, and suddenly Bella is thrilled to go off and endanger herself… even though she was freaking out five minutes ago. Continuity is for losers!

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