The Cullen Coven – The Cullen Home

The Cullens‘ house in Forks is more than a hundred years old. Painstakingly restored by Esme,

And by “restored” they mean “turned into a generic modern house, removing all charm or historical detail from it.”

 
The back, south-facing wall is three stories of glass.

The neighbors have already asked the Cullens to stop walking around nude, as their pasty bodies aren’t THAT great to look at.

 
The inside of the first story is open and bright, with few internal walls.

This is something of a drawback during their indoor paintball fights.

 
To the left of the front door is a wide central staircase. To the right is a raised area with a grand piano in the center.

Directly in front is Carlisle’s life-sized reproduction of Michaelangelo’s “David.” He says it’s there just because he loves art. Esme’s not so sure.


“I like statues of naked young men… because it’s art!”

Behind the stairs is the office of C.E.E. Inc., the Cullens‘ personal company, where they manage all of their business dealings.

They claim to be producers of novelty TV-shirts, but everything is in development hell. It turns out none of the Cullens are good at coming up with witty sayings.

Also, for real? They named their “personal company” (what IS that?) after Carlisle, Esme…. and Edward. None of the other “kids,” just Edward, even though they’ve been with them almost as long. Wow, this doesn’t diminish the slashy overtones at all.

At the top of the staircase on the second floor is the room that Rosalie and Emmett share.

This is their S&M dungeon and part-time sauna, with an area set aside for Emmett’s stamp collection.

 
first comes Jasper‘s study,

Why he only studies taxidermy is anyone’s guess. Jasper’s a little creepy.

 
then Alice and Jasper‘s room,

Most of which is devoted to Jasper’s mummified feet collection. Alice doesn’t like to talk about it.

 
with an attached closet that is larger than the room itself.

HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT YET THAT ALICE LOVES CLOTHES?! After all, our dour sullen lump of a heroine can’t be smart AND stylish! Smart people don’t like clothes! So she needs Alice to FORCE attractive clothes on her!

And notice the way this is laid out. Alice doesn’t need an office, just a giant closet! Jasper has the work ethic of a narcoleptic squirrel, but he gets an office because he was born with a penis! Alice just needs to think about pretty dresses!

… did I mention ALICE LOVES CLOTHES?!

 
Carlisle‘s office is next, with an area inside for Esme‘s study

Funny how it’s only the MEN who have studies and office, with Esme just getting a token corner of her husband’s where she probably does scrapbooking. After all, a GURL could never do anything business-related… even if her name is one-third of the fucking company title. That’s just a formality!

 
and Carlisle‘s personal library.

A small hidden bookcase contains his extensive collection of Victorian porn and his embarrassing photo collection.

 
During Bella‘s pregnancy, the library was converted into a combination exam and delivery room.

Because they wouldn’t use the kitchen and dining room that they NEVER USE for that function, especially since it has WATER and heating elements and stuff like that. No, they needed to use the library, which has NONE of that!

The room that Carlisle and Esme share is at the top of the staircase on the third floor. Edward‘s room is also on this floor, facing south.

I would make a joke about this, but I think I’m pretty much exhausted the “slashy overtones” gags about Carlisle and Edward – after all, his bedroom is right next to Carlisle’s.

 
The remainder of the third floor is called the library and is used for any technically illegal activity, such as forging birth certificates and hacking into computer systems,

… WHAT?

So now, not only are the Cullens supposed to be super-smart, superpowered, sparkly AND ridiculously wealthy, but now they have L33T Hax0r Skillz?!

Pardon me if I find it hard to believe that. These people are still hung up on problems from a century ago, but we’re supposed to believe that not only can these self-indulgent turds work modern technology, but they are the BEST HACKERS EVER OMG.

 
which the Cullens must do in order to maintain the various identities needed to live unnoticed in human society.

Are we seriously supposed to think that NOBODY in any government has bothered to check out these people? I’m sorry, people. Hacking and forgery are not foolproof magic that can eradicate any/all traces of a person’s IDENTITY, nor does it magically go unnoticed when you shuffle shit around.

Also, these people are supposedly running their own corporation! You cannot do that while hacking, cracking and forging stuff about your fake identities all the time. And this is the age of the Internet, with records being easily accessible and cross-referenced via computer. Are we SERIOUSLY supposed to think that the Cullens can hack’n’crack any computer system anywhere, including backups AND paper records, without anyone noticing, “Hey, that Rosalie Hale girl looks just like… that other chick with the same name”?

I could MAYBE buy that there was some massive vampire information network allowing them to adopt and abandon fake identities, with tentacles reaching into the federal government…. but Smeyer doesn’t do that. She just figures, “Woo, you whip up a fake birth certificate and just stick it in the magic Interweb record thingy! VOILA!”

Yeah, this is another symptom of the Sue Species – not only are humans allegedly unable to KILL Smeyer’s vampires, but apparently we’re all such stupid sheep that NO HUMAN could possibly catch on to their massive trail of information debris.

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