The Volturi Guard – Demetri

NAME: Demetri

Nickname: Dickhead.

DATE OF BIRTH: Around 1000 A.D.

Thanks for the very precise information.


They have an orthodox church there, almost as bad as those evil Catholics!

PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION: Demetri is tall and lean.

However, he has strangely womanly hips.

His pale skin has a faint olive tone.

I would love to see how that is possible. It’s like saying an albino has a faint olive tone.

Not only is Stephenie Meyer the whitest person in the world, but she apparently only consorts with the whitest people. Otherwise, she might have noticed that OLIVE SKIN HAS COLOR.

SPECIAL ABILITIES: He is a skilled tracker. He catches the essence of a person‘s mind and then follows it like a scent over any distance.

Fortunately, Bella’s lack of mind and utter blandness make her immune.

EDUCATION/OCCUPATION: He is a member of the Volturi guard.

They have great dental and medical!

FAMILY/COVEN RELATIONSHIPS: Guard members show the Volturi the loyalty they would family.

So they bicker a lot and fight at Christmas?


“Haha! We secretly sacrifice mailmen to our dark overlord Cthulhu!”

Demetri was originally discovered by the Egyptian coven‘s leader, Amun. Amun worked with Demetri to develop his tracking ability,

Note how Smeyer dodges the whole “Amun made him a vampire, probably against his will, and apparently for no real reason. But he’s a friend of Carlisle, so no possible blame!”

and the two were very close.

Translation: homoerotic tension up the wazoo.

It turns out that the Volturi had a tracker already, but Aro wanted Demetri because he was way better than his old tracker.

Demetri had no interest in leaving Amun, but Aro had Chelsea dissolve the bonds between the members of that coven, and then tie Demetri to the Volturi. Demetri joined them immediately.

I love how Smeyer thinks total loyalty is something you can casually slap onto somebody, like a fake tattoo. It’s not a complicated emotion based on memories, emotions, intellectual decisions about who is trustworthy… nope, you can just detach it and reattach it on someone else. Easy peasy.

But then, she thinks people can find Eternal Twoo Wuv without even speaking to each other, and someone can fall in love with an ovum. So clearly logic is not at play.

Demetri is by far the best-known tracker in the vampire world.

He can locate a Pizza Hut from 500 miles away!

With the rare exception of strong mental shields, Demetri‘s gift is unstoppable

Yes, his gift that can only be stopped by Mary Sue powers.

And you would think that he could tell where the person was by WHERE HIS BLIND SPOTS ARE.

and allows the Volturi to find anyone, anywhere. Demetri can link to a target once he has physically met that person, or he can pick up a person‘s trail from anyone who has met them in the past.

BULLSHIT. You just contradicted yourself.

If he’s restricted by meeting a person or someone who has met THEM, he cannot find “anyone, anywhere.” I’m pretty sure that if he was searching for a Mongolian nomad whom he had never met, he would have difficulty finding them through me.

Smeyer is so full of fail that it actually burns.

“Nice fishing.” New Moon, Chapter 21

  1. That’s a terrible quote, because it makes no sense out of context.
  2. Why does it sound strangely dirty?

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