Vampires – Supernatural Abilities

Most vampires find their key personality characteristics intensified by the vampire transformation in the same way their physical abilities are strengthened,

So what she’s saying is Edward was only MILDLY douchey and sexist when he was a human, and becomes MASSIVELY douchey and sexist when he becomes a vampire. Suddenly it all makes sense!

 
but relatively few have abilities that can be classified as supernatural.

… except the Cullen family, which just so happens to have 5 out of 9.

 
More common would be a human with a love of learning becoming a vampire with an insatiable scholarly curiosity, or a human with a deep value for human life becoming a vampire with the strength to avoid human blood.

Or a guy who’s only slightly creepy about kids becoming a vampire who nabs a bunch of nubile teenage vampires who worship him. It sounds kind of culty, doesn’t it?

And honestly, that sounds INCREDIBLY annoying. I mean, imagine someone who is irritating in some small way, like a person who enjoys dominating any conversation. Or if they were self-centered derps who wrote bad vampire tween-porn and obsessed over imaginary Abercrombie & Fitch models? CAN YOU IMAGINE how insufferable they would be as a fucking vampire?!

But a few vampires do develop additional abilities that go beyond the natural.

Such as the ability to sense pizza or the ability to untangle Christmas lights.

 
For example, a human who was very sensitive to other people‘s moods might develop the vampire ability to read thoughts or influence emotions.

How does “sensitivity to others’ moods” = INFLUENCING those emotions?! Wouldn’t you think that someone who has a naturally soothing personality would be able to influence others?

Also, empathetic awareness of others’ moods is NOT the same thing as reading their thoughts. Moods can be read in things like facial expressions and body language. THOUGHTS cannot.

And even then, I refuse to believe that Edward Cullen is supposed to have EVER had the slightest drop of empathy or sensitivity to others. Because guess what! He may be able to read minds, but he doesn’t give a shit about anyone and he isn’t even slightly sensitive to how they feel!

 
A human who had some limited precognition might develop into a vampire with a strong ability to see the future.

And a human with a pocketful of fortune cookies might become Alice.

A human with a good instinct for hunting might become a powerful vampire tracker.

“Instincts” are not the same thing as psychic abilities, you dumb bint. For one thing, you can DEVELOP those sorts of “instincts.” It’s not the same thing as READING THE FUCKING FUTURE.

 
The proportion of supernaturally talented vampires to “normal” vampires is greater than the proportion of psychically gifted humans to “normal” humans.

This is due to something called “Mary Sue Syndrome,” in which Sue Species such as elves, faeries and vampires must be better in every way than everybody else.

 
This is due to the same factor of temperament that results in more beautiful humans being selected to become vampires. Vampires are also drawn to gifted humans when they look to create companions.

…. which is absolute bullshit, because vampires couldn’t really know about something like empathy. Nor does there seem to be any kind of rhyme or reason to what becomes a “superpower” in Smeyer’s vampires. I mean, some of them seem totally random. Being sensitive to others’ moods is NOT a psychic superpower, nor is influencing OTHERS’ moods.

And guess what! Neither is crap like “sensing relationships,” (WTF?) “being unnoticeable,” “being attractive,” “love,” “self-preservation,” charisma or “making people happy”! None of those are psychic powers! And some are complete Sue bait that CAN’T come from psychic abilities, because there is NO psychic ability that would allow you to “make things turn out the way you want.” Ferfucksake, that’s Eragon level Sueness!

And there’s one vampire who is the fucking AVATAR! What preexisting psychic ability does THAT come from?!

It’s almost like Smeyer assigns “superpowers” to her vampires randomly according to whatever sounds cool, rather than what MAKES SENSE…

 
“I‘ve always loved superheroes, so the vampires I created actually have a lot more in common with superheroes than with horror-genre vampires.” —Stephenie

You know, when you’re writing a VAMPIRE NOVEL, it isn’t a good thing to draw attention to the fact that YOUR vampires have almost nothing in fucking common with vampires by anybody else!

And if you DON’T like traditional vampires and DO like superheroes…. WHY NOT WRITE A FUCKING BOOK ABOUT SUPERHEROES?!

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