Twilight Chapter 18

So the evil vampires have arrived. To be Evil. And Do Evil Things. Screwit, the last shreds of subtlety just screamed and died.

 
They emerged one by one from the forest edge, ranging a dozen meters apart.

Do they still count as being “together” if they’re forty feet apart? I mean, why are they walking around so far from each other?

 
The first male into the clearing fell back immediately, allowing the other male to take the front, orienting himself around the tall, dark-haired man in a manner that clearly displayed who led the pack.

That’s werewolves, dumbass. Why aren’t the Cullens considered a “pack” if they also group together for no legit reason? Oh wait, subtle hints that these are BAD vampires.

 
The third was a woman; from this distance, all I could see of her was that her hair was a startling shade of red.

Eh, who cares? Hair color is all that defines a girl in this series.

  • Blonde: nosy bossy airheaded bitch.
  • Redhead: slutty bitch.
  • Brunette: either perfection (Bella) or at least not a huge annoyance to her (all other brunette women)

And since these are cartoonishly BAD vampires, they aren’t rich, well-dressed, cultured vampires like the Cullens. No no, these are LOWER-CLASS vampires with tattered clothes, no shoes and animalistic behavior. The girl even has various leaves and similar foresty crap in her hair, since obviously she’s too trashy to comb it out. Thanks for the subtle message that “rich = good,” Smeyers. In case you didn’t catch onto that, she even mentions that they notice Carlisle’s polished, urbane stance.

The man in front was easily the most beautiful, his skin olive-toned beneath the typical pallor, his hair a glossy black.

Dammit, how do you have “olive-toned” skin that is pure white?

Of course, the woman is specially animalistic and basically acts like a big cat, and the other guy just sort of stands there. Oh, and she keeps talking about them as “female” and “males,” which is apparently her unsubtle way of banging the whole “they’re like animals because they’re POOR and NASTY and aren’t like the rich awesome Cullens!” thing into our heads like a dull tent peg.

 
The second male hovered unobtrusively behind them, slighter than the leader, his light brown hair and regular features both nondescript.

So what, drinking human blood somehow makes you LESS perfectly perfect than the “vegetarian” vampires? How the hell does that work? In fact, you notice that Smeyers doesn’t address the looks of the woman or the second man – the Cullens each get a hymn sung to their perfect prettiness, but less “moral” vampires aren’t pretty at all.

 
Their eyes were different, too. Not the gold or black I had come to expect, but a deep burgundy color that was disturbing and sinister.

GET IT? Their eyes are RED because they drink BLOOD! Get it? SYMBOLISM!

Seriously, I don’t know why the hell that would happen. I mean, why would their eyes change color based on their diet? And since humans are animals, why would drinking animal blood make your eyes golden but drinking human blood makes them red? Oh yeah, clumsy symbolism! Pretty morally-perfect vampires get GOLDEN eyes to reflect their superior status, while the nasty plain impoverished vampires have red eyes to reflect that they are VILLAINS.

… even though blood in mammals is mostly the same, and the difference between the blood of, say, a gorilla and a human would probably be negligible.

Also, why are they not wearing shoes?

So the leader vampire says that they are Victoria, Laurent and James, and ask if they can play baseball with the Cullens.

 
“We’re headed north, in fact, but we were curious to see who was in the neighborhood. We haven’t run into any company in a long time.”

Keep moving, people. The only “company” in here is pretty annoying.

Then they have a talk about hunting ranges, and Laurent is surprised by the news that they live in the area PERMANENTLY. Because apparently vampires couldn’t possibly hide out in New York and snack on homeless people, or they couldn’t knock out people and just take a LITTLE blood. No, they can only live in one place and be absurdly rich if they eat animals. LOGIC!

 
“Why don’t you come back to our home with us and we can talk comfortably?” Carlisle invited. “It’s a rather long story.”

Long, boring and dull. And filled with creepy pedophilia overtones.

So they agree to not hunt humans in the local area and everybody is very friendly and nice… until they smell Bella’s Yummy Floral Blood of DEATH!

And of course, all the Evil Vampires immediately want her yummy blood! Yeah, for some reason her smell is irresistible only to Edward and the Evil Vampires, but the other Cullens aren’t even tempted to have sex with… I mean, suck her blood. Allegedly her smell is supposed to be super-attractive to only CERTAIN vampires based on personal taste, but of course we wouldn’t have a silly plotless climax.

Actually, when you think about the silly “sex=bloodsucking” thing, this is all another rape peril for poor helpless Bawla. It’s like Smeyers introduced all the Cullens and realized, “Hey, this means that Bella isn’t the center of attention anymore! I have to introduce a new danger to her and her alone so everybody is fawning on her! Quick, to the ShitLitmobile!”

Seriously, this is how the entire series goes – it’s just a long string of random events that make sure everybody is paying attention to Bawla. Think about it:

  1. Twilight: The Evil Vampires want her yummy blood, so the Cullens all have to save/protect her.
  2. New Moon: she becomes suicidally emo. Evil Vampire Chick returns to kill her so the werewolves have to focus on saving her; the Cullens have to come save Eddie by dragging her in instead of bringing him a cell phone. Oh, and the Volturi start kicking up a fuss about her.
  3. Eclipse: The entire alleged plot is basically about Evil Vampire Chick wanting revenge on Bella – not the Cullens, on Bella. So she makes an army, and the werewolves and vampires have to join forces to protect ONLY HER.
  4. Breaking Dawn: Bella gets married. Bella gets knocked up with impossible vampire spawn. Bella becomes prettiest speshulest awesomest vampire ever.

She’s the center of attention in all these scenarios.

Seriously there is no pretense of any plot or focus except BELLA BELLA BELLA PAY ATTENTION TO BELLA. For instance in Eclipse, it would have been cool if the newborn army were planning to wipe out the whole town or something like that as revenge against the Cullens… but no, an entire ARMY was made just to kill ONE WORTHLESS PASSIVE IDIOT.

… why is this story so STUPID?

So where was I? Oh yes, the wind blows Bawla’s yummy freesia scent in the direction of the Evil Vamps, and this makes James HONGRY for her flowery blood. So he wants to rape her suck her blood, even though the Cullens seem to be just fine with the smell.

So James wants her yummy blood, and he and Edward have a growl-off like a couple of cats fighting over the last bit of catnip.

 
It was nothing like the playful sounds I’d heard from him this morning; it was the single most menacing thing I had ever heard, and chills ran from the crown of my head to the back of my heels.

“It was SOOOOOOOOOO HAWWWWWTTTTT!”

 
“What’s this?” Laurent exclaimed in open surprise.

It’s an annoying Mary Sue. Please eat her and end this abomination.

Carlisle says that Bella is with them, and Laurent… well, just read it.

 
“You brought a snack?” he asked, his expression incredulous as he took an involuntary step forward.

Okay, that is the best line in this whole book. I like Laurent. I am now Team Laurent!

Laurent is understandably befuddled by this… because he can’t understand why they have someone like Bawla along if they aren’t planning to kill her. And this guy hasn’t even gotten to know her. If he spent ten minutes listening to her whine and dribble, he would be like, “Why haven’t you killed this annoying bint yet?”

James still hasn’t said a word, just fixates on Bella’s flowery blood. Laurent accepts the invitation and promises not to hurt Bawla. But since we need some artificial drama, I’m sure James is gonna go prancing off at the drop of the hat. Seriously, is this guy’s IQ in the 30s? He never talks, he just prowls around sniffing and being beastlike.

So Edward, Alice and Emmett drag Bawla off to the car, since she’s too passive to walk without being dragged. And then he tosses her over his shoulder again like a sack of potatoes and they go running through the woods.

 
The sense of exhilaration that usually seemed to possess Edward as he ran was completely absent, replaced by a fury that consumed him and drove him still faster.

… and Bella would know this HOW? She can’t see his face! Is he loudly announcing, “The sense of exhilaration that usually possesses me is completely absent! It is replaced by a fury that consumes me and drives me faster!” as he runs?

 
We reached the Jeep in an impossibly short time,

… except it happened so OBVIOUSLY IT’S NOT IMPOSSIBLE, YOU DUMB BITCH.

 
and Edward barely slowed as he flung me in the backseat.

What a lovely boyfriend. He treats his girlfriend with less care than he treats his sweater.

They all jump in the jeep, and start driving away. And since Bella can’t do anything for herself, Emmett has to buckle her in. Or… he’s supposed to. I don’t know if he does, because it’s never mentioned. Since he’s kind of a prick, I like to think he left her unbuckled so she would flop around like a rag doll.

 
Edward was growling something too fast for me to understand, but it sounded a lot like a string of profanities.

“Dang fudge crow! Dang it all to heck! Fudge! Fudge them all! Crow! Fudge! Dang! Goshdarnit it all!”

Seriously, “a lot like”? What does a string of profanities sound like OTHER than a string of profanities?

So Edward drives like a traffic cop on the Autobahn, and apparently is driving out of Forks. Bawla immediately throws a party and serves cake in the back seat… wait, that would be earlier in the book. No, now she’s freaking out because he’s taking her somewhere… else. Apparently it’s more upsetting to be taken away from scary vampires than to have scary vampires who want to eat you alive… oh wait, this is Bella who doesn’t think scary vampires are something to be run away from, but something to leap at with legs open.

 
“Dammit, Edward! Where are you taking me?”

“Don’t make me use another four-letter word! I’ve already scandalized the author’s parents with my reckless use of ‘holy crow!'”

 
He didn’t look back, his eyes on the road. The speedometer read a hundred and five miles an hour.

You mean it isn’t safer to steer with your feet while tweeting and drinking a milkshake? My oh my, you learn something every day.

 
“Turn around! You have to take me home!” I shouted. I struggled with the stupid harness, tearing at the straps.

… so she can do what, leap out of a car doing 105?

And since she can’t even get out of the seatbelt, Edward tells Emmett to grab her and hold her still.

 
“No! Edward! No, you can’t do this.”
“I have to, Bella, now please be quiet.”

Again, not rapey at all.

So Bella starts shrieking about how if they take her away, Charlie will send the FBI after his family… or, judging from the testimonies of classmates who’ve seen her unsubtle slobbering at school and her contempt for Forks, they might just assume that she decided to elope with Edward.

 
“Calm down, Bella.” His voice was cold. “We’ve been there before.”

“Especially after that incident in 1987 when Carlton seduced a class of visiting teenage boys. We had to run to Siberia that time.”

 
“Not over me, you don’t! You’re not ruining everything over me!” I struggled violently, with total futility.

Note how apparently it doesn’t matter that they’re KIDNAPPING HER AGAINST HER WILL and will be causing untold grief and worry for her parents. It only matters because it will ruin their luxe lifestyle.

Alice tells Edward to pull over the car so they can talk this over, and Edward just glares at and ignores her. Nice to know that his assholery extends to the entire female sex, and not just Bella. Can we please stick a diamond-encrusted stake through his heart?

“You don’t understand,” he roared in frustration. I’d never heard his voice so loud; it was deafening in the confines of the Jeep.

Yes, apparently being sparkly and superstrong also gives you EPIC VOCAL CHORDS OF EAR-BLEEDING DEATH.

 
“He’s a tracker, Alice, did you see that? He’s a tracker!”

  1. This would mean more if he actually told us what a tracker was, and we got some kind of logical explanation for WHY he’s a tracker.
  2. Holy random plot twists, Batman! And by that, I mean the introduction of a random character who serves ABSOLUTELY NO PURPOSE except to endanger Bella, and who is never gonna be developed beyond that.
  3. Can I please reiterate that Alice’s “gift” is possibly the most useless one except Esme’s “power of LOVE”? So she could see there would be a thunderstorm… but she DIDN’T see that the other vampires would head that way or that one of them would be a Plot Convenience To Keep Bawla in Peril?

Seriously, I like Alice best of the Cullens (which is like listing your favorite evil dictator) but she really, really sucks. She never sees any impending danger or problems, yet the Cullens apparently center their lives on what she sees. It’s like having someone say, “Don’t worry, I foresee that you will suffer no medical problems after your surgery,” but they fail to mention the asteroid that crashes through the roof of the ICU and squishes you like a bug.

It’s like Smeyers wrote in her gift just because it sounded cool, without thinking about what it would do… oh wait. That’s exactly what it is.

And speaking of Alice, we still haven’t found out why Edward was fuming and growling about her earlier in the book. Did Smeyers just forget that? EDITOR, PLEASE.

 
It meant something more to the three of them than it did to me; I wanted to understand, but there was no opening for me to ask.

Yeah, because yelling the question at EMMETT, who hasn’t spoken and is sitting right next to her, is out of the question.

 
“Pull over, Edward.” Alice’s tone was reasonable, but there was a ring of authority in it I’d never heard before.
The speedometer inched passed one-twenty.
“Do it, Edward.”

“Shut up! You’re not the boss of me! I can drive like a crazy person if I want to! That guy I just ran down didn’t have more than twenty more years to live anyway! And I’m sure that puppy was a stray anyway!”

 
“Listen to me, Alice. I saw his mind. Tracking is his passion, his obsession — and he wants her, Alice — her, specifically. He begins the hunt tonight.”

  1. He’s obsessed with the smell of MARY SUES! He wants nothing but the blood of Mary Sues! Seriously, apparently the only person he’s obsessed with is Bawla, of course. He couldn’t possibly get obsessed by random other people in the town – oh no, it can only be Bella!
  2. This is a really stupid idea if you think about it. Why would the vampires tolerate this a-hole if he puts hunting random people above the good of his little group? Why would they allow him to live, knowing that he is a HUGE RISK?
  3. It’s established later that any vampire who exposes his identity (by SPARKLING) to the world at large is killed, but apparently a vampire who only cares about hunting a particular human down to the exclusion of all else IS NOT ONLY TOLERATED, BUT ASSISTED BY OTHER VAMPIRES. This is unspeakably stupid.
  4. Answer: no logical reason. He’s just a plot convenience peril for Bella to be threatened by.

So then Bella has her second unselfish moment in the WHOLE BOOK, freaking out because the vampires will probably track her scent to Charlie’s house. Since Edward is sexually uninterested in middle-aged cops, he just ignores this. He only even SLOWS the car because Alice starts taking Bella’s side.

 
The car slowed again, more noticeably, and then suddenly we screeched to a stop on the shoulder of the highway. I flew against the harness, and then slammed back into the seat.

Again, so very wonderfully considerate. For someone who likes to wax eloquent about how fragile and breakable Bella is, he sure doesn’t try to avoid it.

 
“I’m not leaving Charlie!” I yelled.
He ignored me completely.

Why doesn’t Smeyers just have him backhand her every time she talks, and get the whole attitude over with?

And even though Emmett points out that all of them can keep James from harming Bawla, Edward is determined to wangst about it and how they’d have to kill him to stop him.

 
“You didn’t see — you don’t understand. Once he commits to a hunt, he’s unshakable. We’d have to kill him.”

… so? I’m still not seeing the problem here. Let’s see, evil murderous vampire is targeting your girlfriend… so why not kill him? It’s like there’s something missing from this conversation.

 
Emmett didn’t seem upset by the idea. “That’s an option.”

See? Even Emmett agrees with me.

 
“And the female. She’s with him. If it turns into a fight, the leader will go with them, too.”

Your leadership skills suck if you only get to be the leader if everyone agrees with you.

So Edward keeps having a floor-kicking temper tantrum, screaming about how there’s no other option except kidnapping Bawla. Uh, yes there are, but you don’t like them. Alice isn’t taking his shit, fortunately.

 
“There’s another option,” Alice said quietly.
Edward turned on her in fury, his voice a blistering snarl. “There — is — no — other — option!”

I think Eddie is just searching for any excuse to kidnap Bella and control her for the rest of her life. He isn’t even bothering to LISTEN to what Alice says – he just starts screaming that she’s wrong.

And a fun fact about this series: EVERY book involves Edward either scheming to isolate Bella “for her own good” or succeeding at it. Not kidding. At all.

I broke it. “Does anyone want to hear my plan?”

… what plan?

No, seriously, what plan? This is a book with a first-person narrative, which means we are supposed to be INSIDE THE HEAD of the main character, reading about all their thoughts and feelings. Yet there is NO INDICATION of a fucking plan before this. Bella just blurts it out with no thoughts beforehand about a plan… and even worse we’re supposed to actually believe that she DOES have a plan.

This is the EASIEST form of narrative you can write, and Smeyers just screwed it up.

“No,” Edward growled.

“Now shut up, take off those shoes, and bring the man a sandwich! I don’t need any of them dumb wimmenfolk pretending they can think!”

 
“Listen,” I pleaded. “You take me back.”
“No,” he interrupted.

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate this brat? He’s just looking for an excuse to kidnap Bella. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if that James guy even IS hunting her, or if Eddie just made it up.

“Dang it to heck, that cashier was rude to me!”
“I read his mind, and he wants to kill you, Bawla! I must kidnap you and drag you off to some secluded cold place, where you will obey me forever… I mean, be safe!”

 
I glared at him and continued. “You take me back. I tell my dad I want to go home to Phoenix. I pack my bags. We wait till this tracker is watching, and then we run. He’ll follow us and leave Charlie alone. Charlie won’t call the FBI on your family. Then you can take me any damned place you want.”

… that’s it? THAT is her plan?

Seriously, Winnie the Pooh could come up with a safer and more complex plan to deal with the bad guys than Bella could! Only the stupidest and most pathetic of vampires would actually fall for a trick like that.

See, this is stupid because it just doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s already established that the entire trio of vampires is gonna get involved in this, so I don’t see why one or two of them couldn’t follow the Cullens while one of them checks the airport and/or Phoenix. Actually, why don’t they would even need to do THAT much. If James is planning to start hunting Bawla and the other two will help him, WHY WOULDN’T THEY BE WATCHING THE CULLENS NOW? It’s like they think the Evil Vampires will only start paying attention to what the hell they’re doing in the EVENING. Pay attention to what they’re doing now? Naaaaahhhh, no way.

It’s especially stupid because it will only DELAY Charlie bringing the FBI in. What, does she think Charlie won’t call Renee in a day or two to confirm that Bella got there in one piece and her clumsiness didn’t cause the plane to crash? When he does, he’s gonna find out Bella not only never arrived, but never left the Washington airport. And since she only vanished after admitting that she was dating a Cullen and suddenly spending time with his family… and they vanished at the same time… THEY WOULD BE PRIME SUSPECTS ANYWAY.

I just don’t GET this. There are so many holes in this idea that it’s hilarious. It’s like Smeyers doesn’t even know how the world works and doesn’t care enough to have her plot twists make any logical sense. Would it kill her to give an actual shit about her work? Or is she just so blindingly stupid that she can’t see the GIANT PLOT HOLES and how hysterically bad they make her ridiculous attempts at plot?

But since Bella is supposed to be Awe-Inspiringly Smart (because we all know reading a book = tactical knowledge), we’re supposed to think it’s just BRILLIANT.

 
“It’s not a bad idea, really.” Emmett’s surprise was definitely an insult.

Are we supposed to hate Emmett for his snarkiness? Because it’s not working.

So even though Emmett and Alice think it’s a DUUUUUUUHHHHHH good idea, Edward is still wanking on about how, “It’s too dangerous — I don’t want him within a hundred miles of her.” What, afraid he’s gonna have sex… I mean, guzzle her blood before you can, prettyboy?

 
Alice thought for a minute. “I don’t see him attacking. He’ll try to wait for us to leave her alone.”

Oh well, we now have Alice’s psychic assurance that he won’t attack. Meaning that he WILL attack but she won’t see it coming.

“It won’t take long for him to realize that’s not going to happen.”

In which case, who cares? If he can’t get past the whole Cullen family, and they don’t leave Bawla unguarded, then WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? Stop wangsting for no good reason!

 
“I demand that you take me home.” I tried to sound firm.

“… but it was diminished by the fact that I’ve shown no backbone to Edward at all. Because he’s hot. And you can’t stand up to hot men.”

 
He didn’t look up. When he spoke, his voice sounded worn.

… followed by a speech that doesn’t sound “worn” so much as “controlling douchebag.”

 
“You’re leaving tonight, whether the tracker sees or not. You tell Charlie that you can’t stand another minute in Forks. Tell him whatever story works.”

I sincerely doubt things like school transference and the like will magically fix themselves in one evening, but I guess Edward doesn’t think Charlie will notice shit like that.

 
“Pack the first things your hands touch, and then get in your truck.”

So she has to bring an assortment of doorknobs?

 
“I don’t care what he says to you. You have fifteen minutes. Do you hear me? Fifteen minutes from the time you cross the doorstep.”

“And if you DARE to take any more time, I will break in there, kill your father and drag you out screaming! And if he happens to not be home, then tough tits!”

 
“Emmett?” I asked, looking pointedly at my hands.
“Oh, sorry.” He let me loose.

I can see why he got stuck with Evil Blonde Bitch Rosalie instead of the freesia-scented jewel that is Bawla Wan. He’s snarky, yet actually APOLOGIZES to a woman instead of making fun of her. He’s SO not worthy of Bella.

So Edward starts ordering everyone around like the dickwad he is, but Alice and Emmett don’t just lie down and accept whatever he orders them to do. Bella does, of course. She basically fades out of the scene while the vampires argue, because she doesn’t actually have anything to say. Our heroine.

 
“Think it through, Emmett. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”

Forever, if we readers are lucky.

 
“We’re going to make it there before him,” Alice said confidently.
Edward seemed to accept that. Whatever his problem with Alice was, he didn’t doubt her now.

… despite the fact that she’s made two EPIC FUCKUPS in the space of just one day. The only way Alice could be less impressive as a future-seer is if she were using a Magic 8-Ball!

“What are we going to do with the Jeep?” she asked.

I have a few suggestions.

 
His voice had a hard edge. “You’re driving it home.”
“No, I’m not,” she said calmly.
The unintelligible stream of profanities started again.

… and now we see Eddie’s true colors when a girl tells him that she’s not gonna just do whatever he says, and can’t be intimidated by his sex appeal or strength. He just sits there spewing four-letter words and throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old. Isn’t that just DREAMY?

Seriously, you can tell how a guy views women by how he treats his female family members. In Edward’s case, he obviously wants them to sit down, shut up, do whatever he says, and screams obscenities at them if they don’t.

You know how we’re assured that he’s so charming in an “old fashioned” way? Yeah, he’s not. He’s “old-fashioned” in the sense of being a sexist ass who looks down on all women. Probably also racist.

 
“I think you should let me go alone,” I said even more quietly.
He heard that.
“Bella, please just do this my way, just this once,” he said between clenched teeth.

JUST THIS ONCE? Since when have they done anything HER way? She doesn’t even to fucking control what she EATS, because you’re busy telling her how everything’s gonna be.

 
“Listen, Charlie’s not an imbecile,” I protested.

“I just treat him that way.”

 
“If you’re not in town tomorrow, he’s going to get suspicious.”

“… except that you’re a Cullen, which means he will automatically suspect everybody EXCEPT you.”

 
“Then what about this tracker? He saw the way you acted tonight. He’s going to think you’re with me, wherever you are.”

DUH. Why does Edward even need to be told this? Shouldn’t he remember the part where he started having a growl-off with Generic Peril?

 
Emmett looked at me, insultingly surprised again. “Edward, listen to her,” he urged. “I think she’s right.”
“Yes, she is,” Alice agreed.

No, not really. But at least nobody has come up with ANY good ideas yet.

Also, has it ever occurred to the Great And Mighty Edward that maybe if EVERYONE disagrees with him, he might be WRONG? Oh right, he has a penis, so he’s always right.

Also, can anyone explain why they aren’t talking to Carlisle and the others? It’s been awhile now, and there’s no reason why they can’t use a CELL PHONE to call the others, confirm if the Evil Vampires are there or not, and act accordingly. Except of course if James is confirmed to be playing chopsticks on Edward’s piano, Edward doesn’t get to shriek obscenities at people and this scene has no tension.

 
“Emmett should stay, too,” I continued. “He definitely got an eyeful of Emmett.”
“What?” Emmett turned on me.

Yeah, that was my reaction too. How I do love unintentional homoeroticism that the author didn’t mean to put in there. And Twilight is even worse about it than Eragon is.

“You’ll get a better crack at him if you stay,” Alice agreed.

You see? You see? It’s not even subtle! What’s next?

“His butt is mine,” Emmett shouted. “I am going to ream him until he screams for mercy!”
“Not if I get him first,” Edward replied. “I’m going to tear him a new one with my fist!”

So Alice brings up the idea of Jasper and herself taking care of Bawla… wherever. Edward bitches and moans about it, but he can’t actually come up with a reason why not.

 
“Hang out here for a week —” I saw his expression in the mirror and amended “— a few days. Let Charlie see you haven’t kidnapped me, and lead this James on a wild-goose chase. Make sure he’s completely off my trail. Then come and meet me. Take a roundabout route, of course, and then Jasper and Alice can go home.”

The stupid here is so thick that I think I’m drowning in it. I’m pretty sure that Charlie will notice if two residents are COMPLETELY ABSENT from the whole STATE, and cannot be traced… only a couple days after his daughter started dating one of them. Is she really stupid enough to think that he will go, “Oh, two of the Cullens have totally vanished… but the guy my daughter is dating hung around for two or three days before ALSO vanishing, so obviously there’s nothing suspicious about him.”

Also, the whole “come and meet me” thing kind of undermines the whole “he’s completely off my trail” plan. So Eddie leads James on a wild goose chase… why wouldn’t he also follow him to Bawla?

 
“Meet you where?”
“Phoenix.” Of course.

No other place on planet Earth is worth going to!

 
“No. He’ll hear that’s where you’re going,” he said impatiently.
“And you’ll make it look like that’s a ruse, obviously. He’ll know that we’ll know that he’s listening. He’ll never believe I’m actually going where I say I am going.”

Or… he could NOT know that they’ll know that he’s listening, and he can totally believe she is actually going where she says she’s going, and thus will end up going RIGHT TO WHERE SHE IS. Which is almost certainly gonna happen, especially since Bawla is making the HUGE assumption that he will somehow KNOW that they know that he’s listening… which we have no evidence to support. Again, Winnie the Pooh is a better strategist than this chick. And much smarter.

“She’s diabolical,” Emmett chuckled.

If by that he means she’s from hell, then yes.

 
“And if that doesn’t work?”
“There are several million people in Phoenix,” I informed him.

There are several million people in the state of Washington, yet they just happened to stumble across the ONLY PERSON James decides to obsess on hunting. Stop trying to use realistic arguments in a story where the entire world revolves around Bawla’s pasty ass.

 
“It’s not that hard to find a phone book.”
“I won’t go home.”

Thus ensuring that her father will freak and sic the authorities on the last group of people she was seen with.

 
“I’m quite old enough to get my own place.”

  1. FUCK NO. She is seventeen years old, which means that legally she is still a minor. She cannot legally buy or rent a place of her own, and Edward should KNOW THAT since he physically looks that age.
  2. I guess Smeyers is still cramming the whole “Bella is an old soul who’s more mature than the adults” shit down our throats, or she would have written Bella as saying she’d get a hotel.
  3. Which makes absolutely no difference to actual laws.
  4. Ironically, Bella acting like she’s legally independent in this book… is followed by two books where she IS a legal adult, but for some reason thinks her father can control her life.
  5. Also, what seventeen-year-old says stuff like “I’m quite old enough”?
  6. “Oh yes, dear chap, I’m quite old enough to boff young Master Cullen, after I consume some buttered scones and tea.”
  7. I’ll tell you what kind: one written by an idiotic woman who wishes she were the heroine of a Bronte novel, and is weird enough to apply that kind of writing to a twenty-first century setting.

But of course, Edward doesn’t notice that gaping hole in her argument, because he just bitches at Emmett and Alice for no good reason.

“Look, if we try to take him down while she’s still around, there’s a much better chance that someone will get hurt — she’ll get hurt, or you will, trying to protect her. Now, if we get him alone…” He trailed off with a slow smile. I was right.

  1. Well, with that in mind, I vote for taking him down while Bawla’s around. If we’re lucky, both of them will be mortally wounded.
  2. Let it also be known that we don’t know how the hell somebody can hurt one of these vampires. Not even a hint. But what else can you expect when the author makes up vampire traits as she goes along?
  3. I also don’t get this whole tracker thing. If they pursue their prey “forever” unless killed, what do they do if their victim gets killed and they aren’t informed about it? Do they just randomly run around from place to place seeking them? Oh wait, another trait of an author making stuff up as she goes along.
  4. Bawla was NOT right. She never said anything like what Emmett said. He was making his own point independently, you dumb bitch.

So then since Edward has been a total dick to his siblings for the past few pages, he gets back to being a dick to Bawla. In his usual emotionally abusive way.

 
“Bella.” Edward’s voice was very soft. Alice and Emmett looked out their windows. “If you let anything happen to yourself— anything at all — I’m holding you personally responsible. Do you understand that?”

 

 

 

 

Wow. That was like a shining crystalline gem of emotionally abusive assness. I mean, how can someone say that and actually not be seen as the biggest dick to ever treat a woman like a turd? How can someone who apparently views YOUR LIFE to be his personal property and THREATENS you if you are endangered by an evil vampire be seen as the last of all Byronic hotties?

I don’t get it. I don’t fucking get it. This quote is a perfect encapsulation of EVERYTHING I loathe about the character of Edward. In just a few sentences he:

  1. Implies Bella is stupid.
  2. Is being controlling.
  3. Is sexist by insisting that somehow she is his property.
  4. Is insensitive since he’s THREATENING her instead in comforting her.
  5. Is acting abusive by implying that if she gets hurt then it’s HER FAULT for not just letting him kidnap her.

Does anyone else think Smeyers is some sort of closet masochist who loves having men treat her like shit and gets off on being objectified and mocked? But since Bawla is a doormat, she just agrees to what he says instead of saying what a smart independent woman would say, namely “Fuck you! I’m not your property, so I don’t have to answer to you.”

 
“Can Jasper handle this?”
“Give him some credit, Edward. He’s been doing very, very well, all things considered.”

What, no predictions of the future and how she doesn’t see Jasper snapping like a twig?

 
And graceful little Alice pulled back her lips in a horrific grimace and let loose with a guttural snarl that had me cowering against the seat in terror.

Sorry, but she dances instead of walking and she SPARKLES. She’s not scary, Smeyers. None of them are. Bring in Lara Raith, and you’ve got some hot vampire creepiness.

But the chapter wouldn’t be complete without…

 
Edward smiled at her. “But keep your opinions to yourself,” he muttered suddenly.

… a last dose of Edwardian bitchiness. I swear, he is bitchier than a kennel of female dogs IN HEAT, and only slightly hornier.

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