It’s tiiiiiiiime for the inevitable infodump. Having dropped countless hints about Edturd that really don’t amount to ANY logical conclusion, Smeyers decides to finally reveal what’s what. And yes, it will be completely unsatisfying.
As I sat in my room, trying to concentrate on the third act of Macbeth,
Because only smart people understand Shakespeare, and we need a clumsy way of communicating that BELLA IS SUPER-SMART and thus worthy of Edward’s sparkling penis.
Then one of the Hot Rich People drops off her truck.
I wasn’t looking forward to Friday, and it more than lived up to my non-expectations.
“Normal people are LAME. The state of Washington SUCKS. Socializing is for DUMB PEOPLE, not smart Suey speshulsparklesnowflakes.”
Since Bawla writhes in humble agony whenever anyone notices her, she’s in agony about people daring to mention that she fainted in class. Jessica, being a Designated Jellus Bitch, finds this the most entertaining of all. Considering that Bawla is stalking/being stalked by a sparklepire, I find this HILARIOUS… but then, I’m a bitch, and proud of it. Team Jessica!
“So what did Edward Cullen want yesterday?” Jessica asked in Trig.
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “He never really got to the point.”
Actually, he did sorta. But then, he only apparently gets to the point if he spills all his secrets in the lap of the crazy new girl.
“You looked kind of mad,” she fished.
“Did I?” I kept my expression blank.
I’m starting to think that Kristen Stewart was the perfect choice for Bella – sulky, expressionless, and devoid of any talents or personality.
Jessica keeps fishing for information and Bella keeps blowing her off and being bitchy inside her own empty skull. Apparently she thinks the only reason Jessica could be curious about Bella’s bitchy mood and Edward’s weird behavior is to gossip. Why? Because she’s an attractive female aka THE ENEMY. All women are the enemy, for they want Edturd’s wiener and are wildly jealous of Bella! ALL OF THEM!
And of course, she wangsts forever about how HE’S NOT AT SCHOOL OH HORRORZ! and gets depressed about how she doesn’t know how long it’ll be before her rapey sadistic kidnapper comes back to school.
Then she bitches some more about her classmates: Mike is all puppyish and rather cute, and Lauren is being a Designated Bitch. We also hear that Lauren is…. BLOND. Meaning that Stephenie Meyer was probably rabidly jealous of a blonde girl in school, and probably got snubbed from the Popular Blond Girls’ Table when she was a teenager.
Also, it provides Bella with a necessary Sue trait – the only people who dislike her are Just Jellus Bitches/Bastards, who are overshadowed by her awesomeness.
“…don’t know why Bella” — she sneered my name — “doesn’t just sit with the Cullens from now on.”
Good question. I mean, why would anyone WANT Bella to sit around with the common sheep? She doesn’t talk to them, laugh with them, reply to them, think about them, or do much of anything except gaze longingly at the Cullens and drool. Why would anyone WANT to have a big soggy lump of self-importance sitting there sneering at you?
I’d never noticed what an unpleasant, nasal voice she had, and I was surprised by the malice in it.
- Of course she has an unpleasant, nasal voice. The detractor of a Sue cannot have a beautiful melodious voice.
- I’m also shocked that she’s “surprised” by the malice in it. With her personality, you’d think that she encounters malice on a daily basis. Oh wait, she’s too busy ignoring people to notice common sheep loathing her.
I really didn’t know her well at all, certainly not well enough for her to dislike me
“I’m just an angelic innocent unworthy of scorn! PEOPLE ARE MEEEEEAAAAAN TO MEEEEEEEE… ”
Anyway, Charlie is glad that she’s going off to La Push, presumably so he can have some “alone” time without a droning whine going in the background: “Forkssucks IluvPhoenix Edwardishot I’msosmartandawesome IwannasexEdward parentsarelameblahblahblah…” Of course, Bella doesn’t think anything of the sort:
I think he felt guilty for leaving me home alone on the weekends, but he’d spent too many years building his habits to break them now.
Bullcrap. People break habits of much longer duration than fifteen years for the sake of children. I suspect he’s eager to leave her alone on the weekends just so he can have some time away from her constant sneering and contempt.
She also reflects that he won’t like her going off to Seattle with Rapeman… I mean, Edturd, so she plans not to tell him. Very smart. In real life, this would probably lead to her getting raped/murdered/found decomposed in the damp woods, or all of the above. But since she’s a Sue, nothing bad will happen to her.
There’s also a totally pointless conversation about a place that isn’t good for camping. Presumably that’s where the Cullens go for their munchies.
Anyway, she wakes up the next morning and turns into a huge drama queen because OMG THE SUN IS THERE! IN THE SKY! LIKE IN PHOENIX! Yes, it is very boring to hear her ramble about how it was definitely the sun as if it never appears in Washington EVER, and how she doesn’t dare to leave her window for fear that the blue sky will vanish. Yo, Smeyer – being a drama queen about everything does not make your Sue seem smart or mature. It makes her seem mentally ill.
So she saunters over to the Newtons’ store and immediately we discover that Smeyers, like Laurell K Hamilton, thinks that all pretty blondes are Evil Vapid Bitches who aren’t half as attractive as their Sues.
Three other girls stood with them, including one I remembered falling over in Gym on Friday.
Pot, meet KettleBella. It’s amazing she can stop focusing on herself long enough to notice someone else’s falls.
That one gave me a dirty look as I got out of the truck, and whispered something to Lauren. Lauren shook out her cornsilk hair and eyed me scornfully.
EVIL BITCH! STONE HER STONE HER! How dare she NOT LIKE the awesome Emo Queen of Phoenix who has graced their pitiful little town with her awesomeness!
“You came!” he called, delighted. “And I said it would be sunny today, didn’t I?”
“I told you I was coming,” I reminded him.
Yeah, but Bella’s made it pretty clear that she loathes him and everyone else at his school except the Cullens. Why would he assume that her reluctantly agreeing to something she’s already decided to hate means she would actually mean it?
“We’re just waiting for Lee and Samantha… unless you invited someone,” Mike added.
“Nope,” I lied lightly, hoping I wouldn’t get caught in the lie.
… especially since Bella apparently feels no remorse over lying to people. Isn’t she a wonderful person?
Of course, she’s hoping that Eddiegirl will appear and suddenly make the whole thing fun.
He smiled blissfully. It was so easy to make Mike happy.
“Who’s a good dumb classmate? You are, boy! YOU ARE! Here’s your chewies and your squeaky toy! Fetch! Fetch the textbook!”
“You can have shotgun,” he promised. I hid my chagrin.
I’m hiding my chagrin too. I would LOVE to see him “give” Bella a shotgun. In the face.
Anyway, she manages to wedge Bitchy Jessica between herself and Mike, so she won’t be bothered by him.
It was only fifteen miles to La Push from Forks, with gorgeous, dense green forests edging the road most of the way and the wide Quillayute River snaking beneath it twice.
… and yet at the start, she was whining about how all those gorgeous dense green forests were “too green” and like an alien planet.
Anyway, there’s actually a rather nice interlude where they’re looking at the pretty beaches and woods and rocks and all that crap – and Bella actually manages to keep her wangst’n’whines to a one-sentence minimum.
The clouds still circled the sky, threatening to invade at any moment, but for now the sun shone bravely in its halo of blue sky.
Seriously, enough wanking about the clouds and the sun, okay? Even in Washington, I’m sure they have plenty of sunny days. It’s like Meyers thinks that there’s nothing in-between blazing deserty sun and endless Venusian clouds.
Anyway, Mike and the boys display that they have at least one more skill than Bawla by gathering wood and setting a fire, which turns out to be blue. We also discover that there’s actually ONE thing that Bawla likes there, namely tide pools on the beach – but since she’s SO freakishly clumsy, she tends to fall into them. You’d have to have a magnetic attraction to the ground to fall into A TIDE POOL.
We’re also assured that the other girls are super-girly, and wore inappropriate shoes to the beach, and don’t like hiking. So Bawla decides to go off with the boys and have a gangbang. No wait, I thought I was reading Anita Blake for a moment there, because all this contempt for girls is sounding pretty familiar.
It also doesn’t make much sense. Apparently we’re supposed to see a dislike for “manly” things and clinging to feminine stuff as a sign of inferiority… even though the entire series puts forth that a PROPER woman needs to be as stereotypically girly and feminine as possible (cooking, cleaning, staying in the house, never bothering the menfolk with petty little woman troubles, etc).
The hike wasn’t too long, though I hated to lose the sky in the woods.
“I wanted to marry it and have its blue cloudless babies!”
The green light of the forest was strangely at odds with the adolescent laughter,
You know, Smeyer needs to do two things:
- Actually visit a forest. A forest would need to be thick to the point where there were multiple layers of leaves that interlock before the light would change color.
- Stop sounding like a snotty fortysomething woman pretending to be a snotty teen. A teenager wouldn’t think of other teenagers’ laughter as “adolescent,” they’d just think of it as LAUGHTER.
But I have to admit, since Bawla has shown no interest in anything but the city of Phoenix, it’s nice to see her actually displaying some interests. She decides to risk life and limb by actually peering into a tide pool, and displaying that Smeyers failed marine biology.
twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring the crabs within them,
Crabs don’t tend to live in “twisted” shells if they can help it. Plus, when they scurry, they generally need to stick body parts OUTSIDE the shell if they wanna scurry.
one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds,
Yes, because everybody loves going to the races and betting on the… eels.
I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my mind that wondered what Edward was doing now,
Probably dragging some girl physically back to his chic Volvo. Kidnapping is fun!
and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.
“I’m a sadistic jerkass who hasn’t gotten laid since EVER and secretly wants to kill you. I will now allow you to swoon over how perfect I am.”
Anyway they head back to camp and naturally I fell a few times. Except apparently she didn’t fall on the way THERE, but logic already blew out its brains a few chapters ago.
And when they get back, they discover a bunch of guys are there, and Bella immediately notices that they are werewolves. D’OH! I meant Indians. However could I make that mistake. And obvious it’s not racist at all to have all the brown-skinned Amerindians turn into big hairy smelly savage beasts while lily-white vampires just sit and sparkle and acquire vast amounts of money. No racism there at all.
Again, I direct you to the Sparkledammerung if you want explanations about this, as well as various other sites that address how the American Indians (aka “Lamanites”) were traditionally regarded.
Basically the belief is white = good and the whiter the better. The Book of Mormon says black people are the descendants of Cain who have been cursed – funnily, no mention of the fact that Moses married a black woman, and his sister got zapped by God for mocking them both over this issue. To make the whole thing even more offensive, apparently the belief about Amerindians is that they were descended from the Tribes of Israel or something like that, buuuuuutttt… (taken from the http://www.realmormonhistory.com/god&skin.htm site)…
“…wherefore, as they were white, and exceeding fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a SKIN OF BLACKNESS to come upon them.” (Book of Mormon, page 61, 2 Nephi 5, verse 21)
“And the skins of the Lamanites were DARK, according to the mark which was set upon their fathers, which WAS A CURSE upon them because of their transgression…” (Book of Mormon, page 201, Alma 3, verse 6)
“…for this people shall be scattered, and shall become a DARK, a filthy, and a loathsome people, beyond the description of that which ever hath been amongst us,…” (Book of Mormon, page 468, Mormon 5, verse 15)
The Book of Mormon, however, predicts that the Indians will repent of their sins and become white:
“…and many generations shall not pass away among them, save they shall be a WHITE AND DELIGHTSOME PEOPLE.”
(Book of Mormon, page 102, 2 Nephi 30, verse 6. (The word “WHITE” was changed to “PURE” in later editions of the Book of Mormon))
Now, I totally understand that most modern Mormons have changed general perspectives on this, and do not advocate this sort of racism. But given the depiction of werewolves especially in this series, if I were an American Indian I would be REALLY fucking offended about being unfavorably compared to and at loggerheads with the ultra-mega-white perfect constantly-worshiped sparklepires, and depicted as turning into a big savage beast. And there are OTHER problematic implications that I’ll get into later.
And as usual, Bawla doesn’t really bother to notice any of the names except another chick named Jessica and a guy named Jacob. Like all other boys, he starts panting like a wolf dog as soon as he sees Bawla. Since he is not sparkly, white, rich and a total bastard, he doesn’t get a second glance.
Bawla sits next to Angela, and reflects that Angela barely talks, so Bawla doesn’t have to be bothered with actually socializing. Yay for antisocial behavior! So she starts thinking about Edturd and how his presence makes time pass differently. Yawwwwwwwn.
As they finished eating, people started to drift away in twos and threes.
Mike: “I call threesome with Lauren and Jessica!”
Lauren: “Fine, but you have to leave Bella behind. She’d just lie there and whine the whole time.”
Bella: “Edwardishot Forkssucksballs IluvEdward IluvPhoenix I’msosmartandawesome Edwardismytrooluv I’msomuchbetterthanallyoudorks…”
And as you’d expect from a large group of unsupervised teenagers on the beach at night with no adults around, they start skipping rocks, walking and looking at wildlife. Not a beer, condom or wandering hand to be seen. Man, this party is BORING.
In fact, the whole party is kind of weird. I’m not saying every gathering of teens has to involve people getting stoned and fucking, but it’s really weird that they’re not doing ANYTHING. Shouldn’t someone at least be making out? Or smoking something?
But of course, that’s getting rid of all the annoying common sheep so Bawla can be ALONE and nobody is bothering her with their presence. This kid Jacob comes over, and he’s depicted as being incredibly hawt and prettyful – but Bawla decides he’s not that hot as soon as he DAAAAARRRRES to call her “Isabella.” How dare he! A guy she’s never even met before DARING not to know Her Sullen Majesty’s nickname! STONE HIM!
Anyway he’s the son of her dad’s fishing buddy, and they’ve never met before; the only ones she ever met were his sisters, and apparently Bawla was too busy throwing tantrums and being antisocial to ever make friends with them. After all, they’re from WASHINGTON.
“Married. Wow.” I was stunned. The twins were only a little over a year older than I was.
I bet that girl won’t need to have her fetus chewed out of her stomach either. Just a wild prediction.
So they chitchat about cars, which succeeds in making Jacob a better-rounded and more likeable character than Bella since he actually has interests and a brain. Since another character is getting the spotlight, Designated Bitch Lauren shows up and basically starts talking for no reason.
She didn’t sound like she thought it was nice at all, and her pale, fishy eyes narrowed.
Fishy like Bella’s pasty skin, or Edward’s clammy hands?
Anyway, she tries to PO Bella by pretending she’s concerned that the Cullens didn’t bless the trip with their magical presences.
“The Cullens don’t come here,” he said in a tone that closed the subject, ignoring her question.
“Sues are strictly banned from the reservation. If they come on, we turn into wolves and… uh, I mean we use deadly force to keep the plague from spreading. Deadly force with guns. And kung-fu. Not with lycanthropy, because that would be silly.”
I stared at the deep-voiced boy, taken aback, but he was looking away toward the dark forest behind us. He’d said that the Cullens didn’t come here, but his tone had implied something more — that they weren’t allowed; they were prohibited. His manner left a strange impression on me, and I tried to ignore it without success.
… translation: we’re probably never gonna see this guy again, especially since we haven’t heard how prettyful he is. At the very least, he’s not important.
Jacob interrupted my meditation. “So is Forks driving you insane yet?”
Yes, the men in white coats are coming for Bawla in the morning. She’ll be locked in a padded cell and heavily sedated for the rest of her short, miserable life.
… oh come on, I can dream, can’t I?
Then in case we’re actually starting to think that Bella might have some redeeming qualities, Smeyers makes sure to add a new repulsive characteristic… Bawla decides to flirt with Jacob in order to get the information she wants from him.
It was a stupid plan, but I didn’t have any better ideas.
Here’s a shocking plan that didn’t even OCCUR to Bella: honesty. Say, “I’m a little puzzled by the Cullens, could you explain this to me?” But no, apparently callously flirting with a boy to get whatever you want from him isn’t a nasty manipulative bitch thing to do at ALL. Especially when it’s your very first instinct with NO thoughts about what you could do that doesn’t involve being a nasty skank who casually toys with teenage boys’ affections for her own gain.
I hoped that young Jacob was as yet inexperienced around girls, so that he wouldn’t see through my sure-to-be-pitiful attempts at flirting.
“Young” Jacob? Uh, he’s old enough for Bawla to ogle him. And she’s obviously got no experience with boys, so who is she to talk?
“Do you want to walk down the beach with me?” I asked, trying to imitate that way Edward had of looking up from underneath his eyelashes.
Then I did his special Marilyn Monroe wiggle-walk, pressed my fingertip to my lower lip just like he does when he’s being coy, and let out one of those little high pitched giggles that sound sooooo awesome coming from him.
Seriously, I’d ask if there’s any way she could make him sound more effeminate, but this is the guy that wore makeup, base and enough hairspray to immobilize a yak in the movie. So yeah, there are ways…
It couldn’t have nearly the same effect, I was sure, but Jacob jumped up willingly enough.
“I am SO gonna get laid by a non-werewolf tonight!”
“So you’re, what, sixteen?” I asked, trying not to look like an idiot as I fluttered my eyelids the way I’d seen girls do on TV.
Nah, I’m pretty sure that anyone who flutters their eyelashes looks like a complete idiot.
Anyway, Bawla sits there making stupid conversation with him and making all sorts of stupid clumsy flirty comments, which is all the more obnoxious when you consider that she’s doing all this so she can better stalk Hot Rich Guy.What makes it MOST obnoxious is that Jacob seems like an incredibly nice guy who develops more dimension in a few paragraphs than Bawla or Rapeman have all book long!
“Who was that other boy Lauren was talking to? He seemed a little old to be hanging out with us.” I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters, trying to make it clear that I preferred Jacob.
“I love hangin’ out with the youngsters. Mah rheumatism is hurtin’ something awful, so I hobbled on down from the old folks’ home and sat on the beach with ’em skippin’ stones. It’s almost like I’m one of ’em!”
It’s official: Bella is a middle-aged woman in the body of a boring teenager. What sixteen-year-old is going to refer to other sixteen-year-olds – and even NINETEEN YEAR OLDS – as “youngsters”? Even pretentious ones who think that they’re mature beyond their years and all that crap?
Here’s the sign of a bad writer: they can’t write anyone younger/older than themselves, and instead make everyone sound the same age as themselves.
He looked away, out toward James Island, as he confirmed what I’d thought I’d heard in Sam’s voice.
So why not ask that from the start? And who cares what direction he’s looking at, since the island is probably never going to be mentioned again?
Anyway, apparently Jacob isn’t supposed to talk about this whole subject, so Bawla is even more cartoonishly flirty. So apparently out of pity (although she assumes that he’s JUST THAT HOT FOR HER), he starts spilling Uber-Infodump-Of-Doom.
“Do you like scary stories?” he asked ominously.
“I love them,” I enthused, making an effort to smolder at him.
I’m sorry, was this scene INTENDED to be hilarious? You can only be too cartoonishly “seductive” before even a horny teenage boy will figure out what’s what.
“Do you know any of our old stories, about where we came from — the Quileutes, I mean?” he began.
I feel sorry for the Quileutes, honestly. Not only have they been culturally assaulted by this racist travesty of a series, but now they have to fend off the Twilight fans who probably really believe that they turn into wolves.
Anyway, Jacob starts talking about how the Quileutes are said to be descended from wolves, and how there’s also these “cold ones” (wow, could they be VAMPIRES?) that are kept off Quileute land by an old treaty made by great-grampy.
“You see, the cold ones are the natural enemies of the wolf—well, not the wolf, really, but the wolves that turn into men, like our ancestors. You would call them werewolves.”
Translation: Stephenie Meyers secretly watched Underworld and decided this was a totes cool backstory for her story. Why can’t there be a single urban fantasy (other than the Dresden Files) where werewolves and vampires honestly could not give a flying crap about each other?
Anyway, usually werewolves hate the “cold ones” but there was a special gang of them who didn’t hurt humans (wow, can it be EDWARD AND HIS CREEPY INCESTY FAMILY?), and becuz they were So Speshul And Awesome and “civilized” the Quileutes decided that they weren’t that bad. So they agreed that if the vampires stayed off Quileute land, the Quileutes wouldn’t tell the “pale faces” about them.
Seriously, “pale faces”? Did Smeyer do all her research on Native Americans by watching old westerns?!
And I’m sure this sounds terribly, terribly dangerous until one considers that Meyers’ vampires supposedly can only be killed by one another (although considering how lame they turn out to be, it’s possible that is a lie). They have “diamond” skin, super-endurance and all that crap, minus the traditional weaknesses like garlic, holy water and sunlight. So what precisely could the “pale faces” do to them? Now I suppose you could try bazookas or something of the sort, but back then you could just shoot bullets and a few homemade bombs – and since Teh Sparklepires also have sooper-speed, they could probably dodge those.
So… “we’ll totally tell the white guys about you being vampires!” isn’t much of a threat, is it? Especially since eighty years ago, people would probably associate vampirism with Dracula. As in, they wouldn’t believe that these people who walk around during the day, have no aversion to garlic, can mess around with holy water and live in a town with no drained bodies are bloodsuckers without proof.
What’s more, I’m sure they’d be so dazzled by the sparklepires’ gorgeousness and perfection that they would never dare to actually be upset by their presence. After all, they are PERFECT.
But since there needs to be a trumped-up reason for the werewolves and the vampires to be kept apart, Jacob says that they’re dangerous because they might lose control and start chugging blood. Since Eddie, Emmett and Jasper all fantasize about it and occasionally go berserk (including Emmett attacking random smelly strangers), I can see why the Quileutes do that.
Oh yes, and he reveals outright that those Speshul Suey “cold ones” are the current-day Cullens.
Okay, we sorta knew that already, because this book is really really predictable, but… it would have helped a little if he had left us with a LITTLE doubt. And why is he spilling all that crap to Bella, a girl he’s known for five minutes (most of which she’s spent acting like Jessica Rabbit)? The fact that Jacob has to tell Bawla any of the crap after this – especially regarded as factual info – just shows that she’s a moron who needs to be spoon-fed the obvious.
“And what are they?” I finally asked. “What are the cold ones?”
He smiled darkly.
“Blood drinkers,” he replied in a chilling voice. “Your people call them vampires.”
… seriously, a shred of mystery or suspense. I’m begging you. No, on second thought, I would not give Smeyers the satisfaction. Whatever happened to not just vomiting all the exposition out in the open?
I stared out at the rough surf after he answered, not sure what my face was exposing.
If Kristen Stewart is any indicator, then “intense constipation.”
Anyway, Jacob acts very lighthearted about it, which is just making him look dumb – apparently he actually believes all this, but he’s telling some random bitchqueen that he’s NEVER EVEN MET BEFORE all about it. Sure, Bawla says she won’t tell anyone, but we already know she’s a liar.
Then Mike and Jessica show up and Mike gets all jealous of Jacob, apparently just so it can be reaffirmed that Bella is more desirable than Helen of Troy.
“You should come see me in Forks. We could hang out sometime.” I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I’d used him. But I really did like Jacob. He was someone I could easily be friends with.
… and by “friends” she means someone she can milk for information on Teh Sexsee Vampires.
Anyway, poor Jacob clearly thinks he has a chance in hell despite being an Indian, poor and not pale skinned, so he teases Mike a little since Mike has even LESS chance because he’s happy, nice and attentive.
It starts raining, and amazingly Bawla doesn’t whine about it. Everybody heads back to the car, and she isolates herself in the back seat so she doesn’t have to talk to any of those icky human beings that don’t sparkle. Thankfully, the pain ends there. For this chapter, anyway.