Twilight Epilogue

This is it, my friends! The end of Twishite Twitlight Twilite Twilight! This is the last chapter! THE LAST CHAPTER HALLELUJAH! THE END! FINITO!



No wait, I shouldn’t celebrate yet! I mean, I haven’t yet done the last chapter, so I should do that before I celebrate.

So Edward is obviously taking Bella to prom, probably because he’s been living a miserable sexless existence for the past century and this is the first opportunity he’s had to get laid. Bella is pissy, because that’s her normal frame of mind.

 
Edward helped me into his car, being very careful of the wisps of silk and chiffon,

… of what? Her football helmet?

 
the flowers he’d just pinned into my elaborately styled curls, and my bulky walking cast. He ignored the angry set of my mouth.

Well DUH. What else would he do if she’s pissed? Ignore her! It’s not like he’s gonna start caring what she thinks NOW.

 
“At what point exactly are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I asked grumpily. I really hated surprises. And he knew that.

…. um, how does he know that?! I don’t remember there being any non-lethal “surprises” since they’ve gotten together, so is he supposed to know that because he’s “perfect” and “perfect” men automatically know everything about you? Or does Bella just wander around listing all the stuff she doesn’t like?

“I hate rain. I hate heat. I hate cold. I hate surprises. I hate fudge. I hate kittens. I hate democracy. I hate walruses. I hate rocks. I hate dirt. I hate dogs. I hate cats. I hate houses. I hate open spaces. I hate confined space…”

Or maybe he should know that because she hates everything.

 
“I’m shocked that you haven’t figured it out yet.” He threw a mocking smile in my direction, and my breath caught in my throat.

  1. “Oh no! I had forgotten to breathe again, sort of how my heart randomly stops!”
  2. It wouldn’t be an odd day of the month unless Edward was mocking Bella. It’s orgasmic gasp so sexy!
  3. I’m shocked she hasn’t figured it out either. Um, it doesn’t take a friggin’ genius to know what is being planned. I mean, they’re obviously going to prom. It’s only been mentioned about a billion times in this book that OH NOES the prom is approaching, and Bella doesn’t plan to go because she’s so adorably clumsy and she hates boys. And now Edward is taking her somewhere in formal clothes! Whatever could he be planning? Oh, the suspense.
  4. Seriously, is Smeyer stupid enough to think we DON’T know what’s going on? Is she TRYING to make her heroine look even stupider than she’s already been established as?

 
Would I ever get used to his perfection?

I wish she would, because I’m sick to death of these descriptions of how pretty he is.

Bella/Smeyer is starting to sound like one of those annoying women who desperately tell EVERYBODY about how their boyfriend is the hottest, sexiest, prettiest ETC ETC, and how much better than everyone else he is, and how everyone else is jealous of him. And of course, he never is and they never are, but she deludes herself that he is and they are. It’s getting kinda pathetic.

I’d never seen him dress in black before, and, with the contrast against his pale skin, his beauty was absolutely surreal.

And his purple lipstick, blush and lash-thickening mascara just added to his beauty.

That much I couldn’t deny, even if the fact that he was wearing a tuxedo made me very nervous.

What, is she terrified of formal clothes?

What else is making Bawla grumpy? Why, she’s wearing feminine clothes! Feminine clothes with COLOR! Apparently Alice spent the whole day making her over, and since Bella is an ungrateful little bitch, she complained all the time.

 
Then she’d dressed me in the most ridiculous dress — deep blue, frilly and off the shoulders, with French tags I couldn’t read — a dress more suitable for a runway than Forks.


What a fashionista!

  1. Fortunately, Bella’s total lack of breasts, hips and waist meant the runway dress fitted perfectly.
  2. Someone needs to tell Smeyer that bitching about people being nice to you doesn’t make you sound humble, it makes you sound ungrateful.
  3. What do you wanna bet that poooooorrrr Bella is the center of attention because she’s just SO gorgeous when she wears a designer dress? Pass the barf bag.

 
Nothing good could come of our formal attire, of that I was sure.

“He might be taking me somewhere NICE. I hate nice places! I like sleazy places where food poisoning and muggings are the norm!”

 
Unless… but I was afraid to put my suspicions into words, even in my own head.

THE HORROR! He might be taking her to PROM! Quick, run for your life! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO PROM AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHIIIIIEEEEEEEE….

I swear, I’ve seen less dread-filled buildup in a friggin’ Stephen King book. What is Smeyer trying to imply here? That it’s a terrifying and horrifying prospect to GO TO PROM? Why the hell is this such a big deal?

So then Charlie spontaneously calls Edward’s cell phone… or maybe it’s Bella’s cell phone, and Edward is keeping it to make sure she doesn’t talk to anyone he hasn’t approved. But either way, Charlie calls and Bella thinks about how Edward is now the bane of Charlie’s existence. Why? Because Smeyer has learned from Hollywood movies that fathers are always passionately prejudiced against boyfriends. And Hollywood movies are obviously the reflections of real life!

 
He had compartmentalized my bad experience into two defined reactions. Toward Carlisle he was almost worshipfully grateful.

… why? Because he dragged his daughter to the ER?

 
On the other hand, he was stubbornly convinced that Edward was at fault

He’s angry at one of the great and mighty Cullens? STONE HIM! STONE HIM! GIVE US BARABBUS…. I MEAN, GIVE US CHARLIE! CHARLIE!

 
— because, if not for him, I wouldn’t have left home in the first place.

That is REALLY DUMB. That’s like saying that poison or razors are at fault for people committing suicide, because without them people might not try to cut their wrists or poison themselves.

But of course, Smeyer needs a reason for Charlie to be opposed to Edward… for no real reason. It’s not like his opposition would keep Bawla from dating Edward, and she’s a legal adult as of the beginning of the next book so it’s not like she can actually be STOPPED from dating him.

And you know what? This is Charlie’s ongoing trait. He never blames Bella for her actions based on boys rejecting her or upsetting her somehow, even though she acts like a complete lunatic ALL THE FUCKING TIME and lies to him constantly. No, it’s the fault of EVERYONE ELSE.

 
And Edward was far from disagreeing with him. These days I had rules that hadn’t existed before: curfews… visiting hours.

  1. … you know, like a REAL teenager instead of a Sue.
  2. Not that Bella actually will follow those rules. She’s too mature and smart for THAT.
  3. Is Charlie the one making these rules, or Edward? It’s not clear, and Edward is controlling enough that I could easily see him laying down rules like that.

So then Edward finds out that Tyler is at Bella’s house, apparently having deluded himself into thinking that showing up out of the blue at a girl’s house will make her swoon and go to prom with you. She won’t have a dress or anything, but the glowing allure of the Sullen Goddess will be just as dazzling in her worn-out sweats.

And this is even more evidence that Smeyer has never actually met a teenage boy and has no idea what they think like. Teenage boys, with a few exceptions, tend to have fragile egos. And because of that, they don’t tend to put themselves in a position of being humiliated and rejected unless they have a decent chance at success. Which suggests to me that Tyler is…

  • A. … clinically insane.
  • B. … suffering from brain damage from the car crash that has left him with no short-term memory.
  • C. … dreamed up by a crazy thirtysomething woman with no insight into the male brain whatsoever, who just wants him to further glorify her self-insert.
  • D. … all of the above.

So since Tyler is there, Edwad decides to act like a smug asshole and tell him off. Yes, because Bella couldn’t reject him YET AGAIN on her own. Now because he’s the man and she’s his property, it’s HIS job to say “Sorry, no sale” to her suitors. Someone please incinerate this asshole.

 
What was Tyler doing at my house? The awful truth began to dawn on me. I looked again at the inappropriate dress Alice had forced me into.

  1. Wait, she’s only NOW realizing that he’s taking her to the prom?
  2. Why is this an “awful truth”? Bella acts like she’s allergic to cheesy dresses and bad pop songs, and she’ll shrivel up like a raisin if exposed to them.
  3. And why is this a huge secret? I mean, I could understand Edward being all mysterious if he was planning to do something… UNEXPECTED, as in NOT PUBLICLY SCHEDULED FOR WEEKS IN ADVANCE. Like if he were gonna take Bella to Paris or on a plane ride or…. SOMETHING that hadn’t been posted all over the school for the last month.
  4. Also, why the fuck didn’t Edward bother to ASK HER? I mean, Bella does everything Edward wants, so why the fuck doesn’t he just say, “Bella, I’d like to go to prom for the first time in my entire miserable century-long unlife of staying home every night, so would you please come with me?” Why all the cloak-and-dagger?
  5. The answer of course: ASKING Bella implies that she has some free will in the matter, and we all know that The Perfect Man will never let you make your own decisions about anything. So he makes this big mysterious deal out of something that EVERY TEENAGER IN THIS TOWN is doing.

 
“I’m sorry if there’s been some kind of miscommunication, but Bella is unavailable tonight.” Edward’s tone changed, and the threat in his voice was suddenly much more evident as he continued. “To be perfectly honest, she’ll be unavailable every night, as far as anyone besides myself is concerned.”

“Uh, what if she WANTS to go out with someone else?”
“Too bad. I make the decisions, and she has to go along with them whether she likes it or not.”
“So what, if she wants a girl’s night out-”
“I’LL KIDNAP HER AND KEEP HER IN MY CLOSET! SHE’S MINE! MINE! MINE!”

“No offense. And I’m sorry about your evening.” He didn’t sound sorry at all. And then he snapped the phone shut, a huge smirk on his face.

Ah, nothing says “perfect man” like being a jealous a-hole to other men.

So Bella immediately throws a screaming tantrum. She turns bright red, she starts crying, and she shrieks “You’re taking me to the prom!” at Edward. I’ve seen four-year-olds who handle disappointment more gracefully. If she didn’t have her leg in a cast, she’d probably throw herself on the floor and start screaming and kicking.

Again, this is the character who is supposed to be more mature than any of the teenagers OR adults. But when she finds out she’s being taken somewhere she doesn’t want, she immediately starts screaming and crying… LITERALLY.

 
It was embarrassingly obvious now. If I’d been paying any attention at all, I’m sure I would have noticed the date on the posters that decorated the school buildings.

Or she might have GUESSED that expensive dress + flowers + nighttime + people constantly talking about the prom MIGHT MEAN THAT SHE’S BEING TAKEN TO THE PROM.

Is Smeyer seriously trying to make her heroine look like a fucking idiot?

 
But I’d never dreamed he was thinking of subjecting me to this. Didn’t he know me at all?

  1. NO! No he doesn’t! He doesn’t know you AT ALL.
  2. You two barely know each other at all, and what little you DO know is just because he interrogated you for three friggin’ days and you spent ten minutes in his room.
  3. What, does Smeyer think that people get deep insights into each other after’s opinions on everything after dating for a WEEK, half of which was spent comatose in the hospital? Or does she delude herself into thinking that the “perfect” man will automatically understand everything about you?
  4. And “subjecting” her to the prom? Again, what is so friggin’ horrible about the prom? Bella makes it sound like recreational torture and mutilation are part of the festivities! WHY DOES SHE FUCKING HATE IT SO MUCH? No reason is given! She’s just bitching because she can!

 
He wasn’t expecting the force of my reaction, that was clear. He pressed his lips together and his eyes narrowed. “Don’t be difficult, Bella.”

“Don’t bother me with your protests. I’ve decided what I want to do, and you have to come along. Don’t make me spank you! You’re a woman, and therefore must be treated like a child.”

 
“Why are you doing this to me?” I demanded in horror.
He gestured to his tuxedo. “Honestly, Bella, what did you think we were doing?”

“I’m being melodramatic and whiny for no reason! I’m horrified by the idea of going to prom, but there’s no real explanation! There’s not a lot of context except my hatred of other people!”

He has a point. It’s pretty friggin’ obvious even for someone as dense as Bella… but if he thought she KNEW, why the hell was he playing mysterious earlier?!

So now Bella is still crying, embarrassed and angry and about two ticks away from throwing a full-out temper tantrum. Apparently she expected something ELSE to be the result of Alice making her over all day… meaning she probably expected a romantic sexathon all-night-long vampirization. Stay tuned for my thoughts on THAT.

 
I’d guessed there was some kind of occasion brewing. But prom! That was the furthest thing from my mind.

“I was expecting something like waterboarding, flogging or maybe being keelhauled. But PROM! That is just TOO HORRIBLE!”

So while Bella sits there squalling and crying that her boyfriend could be so CRUEL and INSENSITIVE as to take her to prom, Edward is getting pissed off at the idea that she’s not swooning over what an asshole he is.

 
“This is completely ridiculous. Why are you crying?” he demanded in frustration.

“I don’t really care how you feel – I just want you to stop whining.”

 
“Because I’m mad!”

“I’m mad because you’re treating me nicely and it’s not living up to my faked-up expectations!”

 
“Bella.” He turned the full force of his scorching golden eyes on me.
“What?” I muttered, distracted.
“Humor me,” he insisted.

“Or I will glare at you until you do as I want! Because intimidation is the core of any good relationship.”

 
His eyes were melting all my fury. It was impossible to fight with him when he cheated like that.

Cheated? What’s “cheating” about this exchange? Is this another example of “sexiness can overcome a woman’s annoying free will”?

Bella: I’m angry for no real reason! Wah! I’m mad!
Edward: smolders sexily
Bella: Now I’m horny, and that automatically erases anger! Can we have sex now?
Edward: No, I’m a Mormon vampire. You can lust after me, as long as no actual sex goes on. And even if we do, it’ll be a fade-to-black copout.

 
“Fine,” I pouted, unable to glare as effectively as I would have liked. “I’ll go quietly. But you’ll see. I’m way overdue for more bad luck. I’ll probably break my other leg. Look at this shoe! It’s a death trap!” I held out my good leg as evidence.
“Hmmm.” He stared at my leg longer than was necessary. “Remind me to thank Alice for that tonight.”

  1. So what, he’s hoping she DOES break her other leg? What a charmer he is.
  2. And again, feminine or sexy clothing is bad. The best and most alluring clothing is shit-colored sweats and khaki, designed for sexless gnomes.
  3. So it’s bad for a woman to reciprocate a kiss, but okay for a man to ogle a woman’s legs. Ah, repressive fundy logic.

So Bella then falls into a funk because WAAAAAAHHHHHH Rosalie still doesn’t like her though I was on quite good terms with her sometimes-husband. Uh…. sometimes? Do they get divorced every now and then?

 
Emmett enjoyed having me around — he thought my bizarre human reactions were hilarious

… what reactions? Her dull stares, whining and temper tantrums?

And really, the vampires act just like humans, except more Bellaesque (ie whiny, bitchy and pretentious). What is “bizarre” about human behavior, and why would this be such a novelty to Emmett since he goes to HIGH SCHOOL?

 
… or maybe it was just the fact that I fell down a lot that he found so funny.

Ah, so being a douchebag to women is a family activity.

Also, I’m not sure why Bawla is so depressed about the fact that ONE of the Cullens doesn’t like her. What, is she just so used to EVERYONE adoring her on first acquaintance that she can’t cope with ANYONE not liking her, and it makes her depressed to even contemplate it?

 
“Is Charlie in on this?” I asked, suddenly suspicious.

Yes, because when you hate the guy your daughter is dating, you are going to help him trick your daughter into going to prom with him. Did he also rent them a hotel room for afterwards?

 
“Of course.” He grinned, and then chuckled. “Apparently Tyler wasn’t, though.”
I gritted my teeth. How Tyler could be so delusional, I couldn’t imagine.

Yes, because a guy’s natural response to almost hitting a girl with his van is to become sexually obsessed with her and even turn up on prom night to pick her up despite getting turned down.

 
At school, where Charlie couldn’t interfere, Edward and I were inseparable — except for those rare sunny days.

“Those days were intolerable, because I actually had to walk around myself instead of being carried on a golden litter by the Cullens.”

So Bella keeps asking like a giant brat, refusing to get out of the car and being snotty because she knows Edward can’t physically drag her from the car while other people are watching. Or he could do that, and kill the other people like he was planning to do earlier in the story. He’s such a good person!

 
The lot was crowded with people in formal dress: witnesses. He couldn’t remove me forcibly from the car as he might have if we’d been alone.

“There were people watching, so he couldn’t drag me out of the car against my will! Our relationship is totally not abusive!”

He sighed. “When someone wants to kill you, you’re brave as a lion”

More like…. “stupid as a rock.”

 
“— and then when someone mentions dancing…” He shook his head.
I gulped. Dancing.

“I have an irrational fear of ballroom dancing! I have panic attacks when confronted by… by… PEOPLE DANCING!”

 
“Bella, I won’t let anything hurt you — not even yourself. I won’t let go of you once, I promise.”

“I won’t let you sit down, because those chairs are only meant for one. I won’t let you hang out with anyone unless I’m there staring at them threateningly. And I won’t let you go to the bathroom unless I get to go into the women’s room and watch you pee. I don’t care if you really have to go – you’ll just have to hold it. REMEMBER, THIS IS LUV, NOT STALKING.”

But no, Bella thinks this is just SO wonderful. So he singlehandedly lifts her from the car, and for some reason this doesn’t attract ANY attention from the dozens of people nearby. I guess they all magically melted away when they become inconvenient. Amazingly, he doesn’t carry her into the school. When she’s physically fine, he insists on carrying her everywhere. When he has a REASON to carry her, he makes her hobble around on her broken leg. Prince Charming, this dick.

 
In Phoenix, they held proms in hotel ballrooms. This dance was in the gym, of course.

“Have I mentioned lately how lame and tiny Forks is, and how awesome and huge Phoenix is? I have? Several times? Well, I’m going to jam it down your throat ONE LAST TIME just in case you haven’t noticed it. I’m so subtle!”

 
When we got inside, I giggled. There were actual balloon arches and twisted garlands of pastel crepe paper festooning the walls.
“This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen,” I snickered.

  1. Yes, because when you see cheesy decorations, you automatically think of slasher films. Because logic.
  2. I think this comment is meant to make Bella seem witty and “above” such things, but it just makes her seem creepy and morbid.
  3. It’s also a pretty funny comment from an author who proudly claims to be such a wuss that she can’t watch/read any horror movies.
  4. And her descriptions of horror movies in the next book show that Bella has never actually seen one. At least, no R-rated ones.

So they walk in and see the dance, which of course is dominated by the Cullens. They are just SO gorgeous that nobody else in the room compares to them, and they all dance up against the walls so the Cullens can have the center of the room, just as Hot Rich People deserve. I bet the prom organizers even rented a spotlight to point at them, just in case there was ANY doubt that they were the center of attention.

And in another vaguely homoerotic moment, Bella basically ignores Emmett and Jasper so she can burble about Alice’s snowy white skin and Rosalie’s cleavage. Can Smeyer just please just cut to the chase and have Bella elope with Alice?

Since the Cullens are always showing off, their clothes are wildly inappropriate for the occasion. Yes, you can really tell that these vampires are staying hidden so they won’t be noticed. They live life under the radar, so NOBODY could ever notice them or think they are in any way odd or abnormal.

Alice was striking in a black satin dress with geometric cutouts that bared large triangles of her snowy white skin.

She was later arrested for revealing large triangles on her ass and chest.

And no matter how much I try, I can only imagine Alice wearing this triangle dress:

Heh heh, it’s probably meant to be something more like this:

or maybe THIS

MIAMI BEACH, FL - DECEMBER 29: Actress Leighton Meester arrives at the opening of Klutch Nightclub on December 29, 2009 in Miami Beach, Florida. (Photo by John Parra/FilmMagic)

Classy. Perfect promwear, huh?

 
And Rosalie was… well, Rosalie. She was beyond belief. Her vivid scarlet dress was backless, tight to her calves where it flared into a wide ruffled train, with a neckline that plunged to her waist.

That actually sounds pretty trashy in a “Hollywood ho-bag trying too hard” way. I’d say that Smeyer is trying to indicate “Oooooh, Rosalie’s such a slut, she’s wearing a TIGHT RED DRESS that shows her BOOBS and hasn’t got a BACK” but since Bella is apparently dazzled by how she looks, I think Smeyer just gets her idea of dazzling fashion from the post-awards articles of People magazine.

How delightfully whorebaggy. I mean, isn’t that what YOU wore to prom? Assuming, of course, that you were the class slut hoping to bang the whole football AND baseball teams in one night.

And yes, I know the above dress isn’t exactly what was described, but it has the same amount of skin exposure as the one Smeyer described. THAT is the important thing.

 
“Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?” I whispered conspiratorially.
“And where do you fit into that scheme?” He glared.
“Oh, I’m with the vampires, of course.”

I think Bella is SUPPOSED to be joking, but I honestly can’t tell. After all, if the Cullens DID go berserk and start drinking the blood of all the teens there, she would totally lock the doors and cut the phone lines. After all, the Cullens are PRETTY AND SPARKLY, so they’re automatically in the right.

Don’t forget: Edward has already murdered several people for purely selfish reasons that could be avoided. He sat in class and planned to murder them all. And in New Moon, he’ll cold-bloodedly plan to kill several more, before deciding to spread death and devastation as widely as he possibly can without actually getting his hands on a nuke. And of course, Bella will not care at all about any of this.

So…. once again, why should I believe that this is a joke?

 
He smiled reluctantly. “Anything to get out of dancing.”
“Anything.”

Including murder. What a wonderful person is our heroine!

And so because Edward is “perfect,” he insists on dragging his girlfriend’s broken leg around the dance floor whether she likes it or not.

 
Eventually he towed me out to where his family was twirling elegantly — if in a style totally unsuitable to the present time and music.



So Bawla starts whimpering that she can’t dance, and acting pretty panicked for someone who doesn’t give a shit what others think. Also, I don’t think anyone expects someone with a BROKEN LEG to slow-dance well. And since Bawla can’t even DANCE by herself, Edward just put my arms around his neck and lifted me to slide his feet under mine. Ah, the gentle lifting by the… NECK, what the hell? Are her armpits too freesia-stinky for him to touch?

Also, what kind of sick asshole FORCES his injured girlfriend with a BROKEN LEG to dance? You could make her fall and compound her fracture, you douchebag. At least, you’re forcing her to put her body weight on her broken bone, and no, having her stand on your feet is not going to fix that. This is another charming scene that really gives the lie to people insisting that Edward acts like an asshole because he’s “old fashioned” – I’m pretty sure a guy who did this in 1900 would STILL be considered an asshole.

Also, is this scene reminding anyone else of something? Something… from a very famous show… about vampires… and an ordinary girl who actually got off her ass and did something…. something…. something…

Yeah, apparently Smeyer can’t be bothered to come up with her own ideas. So she just rips off Joss Whedon, like the hack she is.

 
And then we were whirling, too.

I promptly puked on him, because I’m allegedly prone to motion sickness.

 
“I feel like I’m five years old,” I laughed after a few minutes of effortless waltzing.

“Partly because you treat me like I am.”

 
“You don’t look five,” he murmured,

“…. despite your lack of boobs, hips and waist.”

 
pulling me closer for a second, so that my feet were briefly a foot from the ground.

… followed by me screaming in pain as he dropped me back onto my injured leg. We broke up in the ambulance.

So Bella reluctantly admits that hey, dancing isn’t quite as crappy as she expected. Not that she even gave it a chance before deciding that thumbscrews were preferable to it. It seems kind of weird to decide that dancing is torturous when you’ve NEVER DONE IT BEFORE and have NO REASON to think it is.

But then… Designated Love Rival… I mean, Jacob shows up. I mean, how dare he come to a PROM. Doesn’t Jacob know that this prom belongs to HIM exclusively, and anyone he doesn’t like has NO BUSINESS being there? Especially since Jacob is SO not white and rich! How dare he bring his Indian poverty into EDWARD’S prom!

And since Eddie is incredibly controlling and obsessively jealous, Edward starts snarling and glaring because THE HORROR! someone wants to talk to Bella. Yeah, this is obviously the sign of a healthy relationship – if anyone tries to talk to the girlfriend you have personally staked a claim to, you fly into a rage.

“GRRRRR AAARGGGGGHHH EDWARD MAD EDWARD SMASH!”
“Edward, that was the WAITER coming over with my order.”
“Don’t care. You’re MINE, and no other guy gets to spend ANY time with you!”
“Oh, your asshole behavior is such a turn-on!”
“Shut up, you stupid whore. You are amusingly stupid.”
“Yes, master!”

 
Edward’s voice was scathing. “He wants to chat with you.”

“HOW DARE HE! Nobody gets to talk to MY girlfriend!”

Seriously, Edward’s reaction points to one of three possibilities:

  1. He’s a racist and hates Indians, and possibly anyone else who isn’t the color of refined sugar. Totally possible, considering when he’s from.
  2. He’s incredibly controlling and doesn’t want Bawla to interact with any possible sexual rivals… like his “dad.”
  3. His hostility is just to mask the overwhelming sexual desire he feels for Jacob, since “bisexual” does not exist in this series despite the homoerotic hints and Edward’s bitchy-girl attitude. And that whole “he’s got the sperm that will one day be Jacob’s troo luv” thing.

Or, you know, it might be all three.

 
“Hey, Bella, I was hoping you would be here.” Jacob sounded like he’d been hoping the exact opposite.

I felt much the same, Jacob. I felt the same.

So Jacob cuts in, while Bella notices that Jacob didn’t have to look up. He must have grown half a foot since the first time I’d seen him. Um, it’s been like a week at most since she saw him last. Also, it’s kind of gross that a middle-aged bitch who “pretends” to be a teenager is about to start ogling a teenage boy who isn’t done growing vertically… and who is named after her brother.

So they awkwardly converse about how tall Jacob has gotten, and they sort of wobble in place instead of really dancing. It also turns out that he was paid to come to this by his dad, who HORRORS! wants him to keep an eye on the vampire groupie.

 
“Well, I hope you’re enjoying yourself, at least. Seen anything you like?” I teased, nodding toward a group of girls lined up against the wall like pastel confections.
“Yeah,” he sighed. “But she’s taken.”

“My heart will always belong to the pierced biker chick down by the river. Wild chicks are the best – I can’t stand those boring bland passive girls who never do or say anything interesting. Sorry, why are you grinding your teeth?”

No, of course he’s supposed to be enamored of Bawla. Big shock. He’s a teenage male, which means he’s supposed to mindlessly adore a girl with the color and personality of dried paste. That’s how it works. And despite being really stupid and having no deductive abilities AT ALL, Bawla somehow figures this out.

So it turns out that Billy bribed him to go to the prom to ask Bawla to break up with Edward.

 
“There’s no way I’ll be mad at you, Jacob,” I assured him. “I won’t even be mad at Billy. Just say what you have to.”

Bullshit. She’s still demonizing Billy for daring to not approve of someone dating a vampire.

 
“Yeah. He was… kind of over the top when you got hurt down in Phoenix. He didn’t believe…”Jacob trailed off self-consciously.
My eyes narrowed. “I fell.”
“I know that,” Jacob said quickly.
“He thinks Edward had something to do with me getting hurt.” It wasn’t a question, and despite my promise, I was angry.

Oh, nobody expects oh-so-perfect Bawla to keep her promises.

And NEWS FLASH: Edward DID have something to do with her getting hurt, in that she never would have gotten hurt if she hadn’t gotten involved with his sparkly ass. But it was mostly her own idiot stupidity.

 
“Look, Jacob, I know Billy probably won’t believe this, but just so you know” — he looked at me now, responding to the new earnestness in my voice — “Edward really did save my life. If it weren’t for Edward and his father, I’d be dead.”

“Or worse, I’d be a hottie rich vampire and thus even more inexplicably desirable than I am now! And don’t forget, if Edward hadn’t gone panting after me, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt at all!”

But wait, there’s more! And lest he displease the great Bawla Wan, Jacob is even willing to go get a job and save up for the car parts he needs! Anything rather than saying something that might make her ANGRY!

 
He shook his head. “He said to tell you, no, to warn you, that — and this is his plural, not mine” — he lifted one hand from my waist and made little quotations marks in the air — ‘”We’ll be watching.'” He watched warily for my reaction.

Oh my, I wonder what that means. The incredibly obvious story about werewolves and vampires earlier in the story has left me in such suspense.

Bawla, polite as ever, starts laughing hysterically at Jacob’s father, and Jacob shows that he cares more about Bawla not hating him than about her mocking his father. Because he’s a horrible son, and Bella is a horrible person all around.

Then Edward cuts in, and basically elbows Jacob out of the picture for the crime of talking to Bella while being in possession of a penis. Jacob wanders off to weep a thousand crystal tears over not getting to date the town’s resident vampire groupie/shallow whiny bitch, because that is all any teenage guy in this book wants (and in the movie, she’s even attractive to the town pedos). So Bawla and Edward start slow-dancing to a fast pop song, which sounds pretty damn stupid.

 
“Feeling better?” I teased.
“Not really,” he said tersely.

“You talked to another man! Why don’t you just fuck him on the dance floor? I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED! TIME FOR A BEATING!”

“Don’t be mad at Billy,” I sighed. “He just worries about me for Charlie’s sake. It’s nothing personal.”
“I’m not mad at Billy,” he corrected in a clipped voice. “But his son is irritating me.”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you or anything. I just hate that in the next book, most of the readers will start liking him way more than me even though he’s obviously meant to be that guy who’s meant to be the sad-sack second option to me!”

No really, why is he mad, people?

 
“First of all, he made me break my promise.”
I stared at him in confusion.
He half-smiled. “I promised I wouldn’t let go of you tonight,” he explained.

“I promise I was going to creep around creepily, refusing to release you even when you desperately need to pee!”

But no, there was another reason that he was pissed! Oh my what can it be? Can it be that Jacob looks hotter shirtless than him (since vampire abs look like uncooked dinner rolls)? Can it be that Edward just realized that psychologically normal girls don’t like controlling assholes? Can it be that he realized that OMGosh, he’s a tormented vampire who sparkles and thus is lamer than every other guy alive? What is it? Why is he mad?

 
“He called you pretty,” he finally continued, his frown deepening. “That’s practically an insult, the way you look right now. You’re much more than beautiful.”

… oh bullshit! Again, this is what middle-aged sexually unsatisfied housewives WISH men talked like, not how any man actually talks. They want men to get upset when Sues are complimented, because obviously the Sues are not being complimented ENOUGH! They want showers of rose petals! They want topless towers burned! They want all the women to slit their wrists because they can’t possibly compare with the gorgeousness of the plain-Jane Sue! Only THEN will she have been complimented enough!

And even worse, this is a schmooooooooze line. It’s a cheesy line that idiot men use to butter up idiot women in hopes of getting laid, not a genuine compliment. So it’s even STUPIDER that we’re supposed to not only think he MEANS this idiot line, but that he’s actually getting ANGRY because of it.

I laughed. “You might be a little biased.”
“I don’t think that’s it. Besides, I have excellent eyesight.”

I love that Bella doesn’t even disagree with him. After all a Sue only is self-deprecating so others can disagree with her and tell her how glorious she is.

Bawla demands to know “the reason for all of this?” Edward doesn’t understand what the hell she’s talking about, and I don’t either. So they dance to the back door of the gym, and we’re given cameos by all the characters who we haven’t seen in half the book even though they are WAY MORE INTERESTING than our protagonists. Apparently we’re supposed to be impressed that Bella’s bothered to remember their names.

So then they go sit under some trees, and Edward starts being all emo and shit. I think we’re supposed to marvel at how deep he is… or something.

 
“The point?” I prompted softly.

I’ve been thinking that for the whole friggin’ book.

 
“Twilight, again,” he murmured. “Another ending. No matter how perfect the day is, it always has to end.”

Embroider it on a pillow and stick it on your couch. This isn’t deep, it isn’t interesting, and cramming the title is just makes it contrived.

So Edward burbles about how he brought Bella to the prom. No, it isn’t because he apparently has been staying home playing Monopoly on Saturday nights for the past century while his “siblings” go off and have fun and occasionally furniture-smashing sex. It’s for Bella! It’s all for Bella! Everything he does centers around Bella… or rather, his obsessive need to “decide” shit for her.

 
“I brought you to the prom,” he said slowly, finally answering my question, “because I don’t want you to miss anything. I don’t want my presence to take anything away from you, if I can help it. I want you to be human. I want your life to continue as it would have if I’d died in nineteen-eighteen like I should have.”

“And I am going to DECIDE what being human constitutes, and I’m going to DECIDE how your life would have gone. So get in there and dance on your broken leg! DANCE, DAMMIT! IT’S A HUMAN EXPERIENCE! DANCE IN PAIN AND BLOOD!”

Seriously, it’s not like Bella ever PARTICIPATED in “human life” before, so she’s not really missing anything. I mean, all she seems to have done is sit around in Phoenix/Forks not having friends, not dating, not going anywhere interesting, not liking anything…. she just sat on her ass being a big blot of negativity.

 
I shuddered at his words, and then shook my head angrily. “In what strange parallel dimension would I ever have gone to prom of my own free will? If you weren’t a thousand times stronger than me, I would never have let you get away with this.”

“Stop trying to show free will! I have a penis, so I automatically know what you should do! I’m going to make your life continue as it would have THE WAY I THINK IT SHOULD!”

He smiled briefly, but it didn’t touch his eyes. “It wasn’t so bad, you said so yourself.”
“That’s because I was with you.”

Pass the barf bag. She already had it in her head that prom was horrible, even though she apparently has never been to one before.

 
We were quiet for a minute; he stared at the moon and I stared at him. I wished there was some way to explain how very uninterested I was in a normal human life.

How about showing him your friggin’ diary? “Dear diary, today I sat around thinking about how speshul I am and how lame other people are. Didn’t go anywhere, do anything, or meet anybody.

And yes, again this is a Sue trait – they don’t want a “normal” life! They’re not destined for anything so MUNDANE. They only want the superawesomespeshul life in which they are hot, rich and immortal.

 
“Will you tell me something?” he asked, glancing down at me with a slight smile.
“Don’t I always?”

… NO. No, you don’t. For instance, you haven’t mentioned that you’re just USING your boyfriend to get hot rich immortality.

 
“Just promise you’ll tell me,” he insisted, grinning.
I knew I was going to regret this almost instantly. “Fine.”

… so if you KNEW you were going to regret it, why did you agree?! Is it so fucking hard to just say “maybe”?

So Edward finally asks a good question, namely the question of what the hell Bella thought he was getting her dressed and dolled up for. Bella doesn’t wanna answer, because she thinks it’ll make him mad if he knows.

 
“Well… I assumed it was some kind of… occasion. But I didn’t think it would be some trite human thing… prom!” I scoffed.

“I like, thought it would TOTALLY be something worthy of ME! And even though vampire things are basically the same as human things, human things suck because they don’t emphasize how special I am!”

Seriously, this says a lot about Bella, and none of it good. I can’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure that seeing yourself as superior to other humans is the sort of thing an evil villain would do. Apparently “human things” aren’t worthy of Bawla Wan, so we get to see her showing her contempt for them. And this is supposed to be our HEROINE, the person we actually like… and she’s acting like a villain.

 
“Okay,” I confessed in a rush. “So I was hoping that you might have changed your mind… that you were going to change me, after all.”

“Yes, I thought you had COMPLETELY changed your extremely strong viewpoints in just a couple days… for no real reason. It all seemed so plausible!”

 
“You thought that would be a black tie occasion, did you?” he teased, touching the lapel of his tuxedo jacket.
I scowled to hide my embarrassment. “I don’t know how these things work. To me, at least, it seems more rational than prom does.”

  1. Yes, it seems perfectly rational to put on expensive and fragile clothing so you can thrash around in agonizing pain for several days. That makes SO much fucking sense.
  2. And what exactly is “irrational” about prom? It’s a teen dance, so teenagers can go hang out, drink illicitly, dance and eventually have awkward embarrassing sex in the backseat of their mom’s car. There’s nothing irrational about it.
  3. This is just another failed attempt to make Bella seem too smart and “mature for this silly little human world, meaning that she’s destined for the Deep Awesome World of the vampires. Sorry, but being snotty about everything “normal” doesn’t make you sound deep and mature – it just makes you sound like a whiny arrogant bitch.

“No, you’re right, it’s not,” he agreed, his smile fading. “I’d rather treat it like a joke, though, than believe you’re serious.”

YOU TALKED ABOUT THIS TWO DAYS AGO! You already KNOW she’s serious, and you didn’t treat it like a joke then! Has Smeyers just FORGOTTEN about the previous chapter?!

 
“So ready for this to be the end,” he murmured, almost to himself, “for this to be the twilight of your life, though your life has barely started. You’re ready to give up everything.”
“It’s not the end, it’s the beginning,” I disagreed under my breath.

  1. If being one of the creepy, boring, bitchy Cullens is what she considers a “beginning,” then I’m gonna agree with Eddiegirl here – it’s the end. Then again, Bella’s creepy, boring and bitchy already, so it’s all good.
  2. And what is she giving up? Smeyer doesn’t want her Sue to be deprived of ANYTHING, so we really haven’t heard of ANYTHING that the vampires really miss out on. Let’s see, you get superhuman sex appeal, endless money, people worshiping you for no adequately-explained reason, and an array of convenient superpowers that make Superman look like a wuss.
  3. I mean, if there was any actual SACRIFICE involved in being a vampire, this might be slightly moving. Instead it just sounds like Edward is wangsting so he can get in Bawla’s panties.
  4. Okay, we later find out that vampire women can’t have babies. Yeah, it’s not like Bella’s shown any interesting in getting knocked up at all, especially since a loveless selfish bitch obviously wouldn’t get to be the Ultimate Mother Goddess Figure. She just wants the sparkly icy rock-hard penis, not the babies.
  5. And she certainly doesn’t give a damn about her parents. She already said so.
  6. Also, can I point out that Bawla has known this dude for, like, a week and a half? Smeyer has even SHOWED us that they barely even know each other, yet apparently Bawla is determined that they’re gonna stay together FOREVER.
  7. Then again, this is yet more evidence that Bawla is just using Eddie to become a vampire, and she cares a helluva lot more about Immortal Sparkly Hotness than she does about him.

 
“I’m not worth it,” he said sadly.

Can I get an AMEN?!

 
“Do you remember when you told me that I didn’t see myself very clearly?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “You obviously have the same blindness.”
“I know what I am.”

“I’m a huge asshole who likes to control women and pretends to be wangsty so they’ll get horny for me.”

 
“You’re ready now, then?” he asked.
“Um.” I gulped. “Yes?”
He smiled, and inclined his head slowly until his cold lips brushed against the skin just under the corner of my jaw.
“Right now?” he whispered, his breath blowing cool on my neck. I shivered involuntarily.
“Yes,” I whispered, so my voice wouldn’t have a chance to break.

Yes yes, sexual symbolism. Vampirism = sex, you shouldn’t “become a vampire” until you get married and can “become a vampire” legitimately instead of “becoming a vampire” on a park bench after prom.

It’s bad enough that Smeyer is bashing us over the head with her clumsy attempts at symbolism, but you can almost see her rolling around ecstatically screaming, “Oh yes, yes Edward! Yes, I want your icy rock-hard body! YES YES YES OOOOHHHHH YESSSSSS…” Uh, I mean, you can almost see her bouncing around thinking, “I’m so subtle! Such subtle symbolism! I’m sure people won’t pick up on my subtle subtle subtle bloodsucking = sex = premarital-chastity message!”

If he thought I was bluffing, he was going to be disappointed. I’d already made this decision, and I was sure. It didn’t matter that my body was rigid as a plank, my hands balled into fists, my breathing erratic…

“Dammit, this is like fucking Anita Blake. Can you do ANYTHING except lie there like a dead fish?”

But no, Edward was just screwing with her and he doesn’t plan to turn her into a vampire. Haha. What a charmer.

 
“A girl can dream.”
His eyebrows rose. “Is that what you dream about? Being a monster?”

That’s ALL she dreams about. It means she gets to be better than everyone else, which is the whole point of living for Bella. Being average is her worst nightmare.

“Not exactly,” I said, frowning at his word choice. Monster, indeed. “Mostly I dream about being with you forever.”

SHE HAS FUCKING KNOWN HIM FOR A WEEK. This is not true love, this is a CRUSH. This is hormones. This is about wanting to bump ice-cold rock-hard uglies.

So we have another dribbly googly-eyed exchange about how Edward plans to stick around (until Bella is no longer hot), and Bella wuvs him “more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?” Yes, our charming heroine has decided that the guy she’s been dating for a fucking week and has known for a few days longer is more important to her than her parents who have tolerated her miserable self for the past decade and a half. I wish a meteorite would hit this bitch in the head.

 
And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.

KILL HER! KILL HER NOW! PLEASE! YOU’RE A FUCKING VAMPIRE – YOU SHOULD ONLY PUT YOUR MOUTH TO AN ANNOYING BITCH’S THROAT IF YOU’RE GONNA KILL HER!

No, wait. I am calm now. Twilight is FINALLY over and I don’t have to do any more of it. The nightmare is over. Oh frabjous day, calloo callay! I can kiss these characters goodbye… and then wash out my mouth with bleach. I am no longer tormented by sparkly vampires, whiny bitches and plotless horrors…

 

 

 

….

 

 

Right? I mean, I don’t have to do any more, right?


 

 

 

 

….

No…. no, it can’t be…

 

 

 

 

HOLY SHIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO….

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