Fire and Ice Part 2

We then switch over to… a fantasy castle that some dumbass decided to build on the side of an active volcano.

“Our insurance is just insane!”

Even worse, there seems to be lava down near the base of the mountain… which means that not only is it active, but it could whittle away that tiny important exit that leads OUT of the castle. And that’s not even mentioning the toxic gas, ash, the fatal heat, the possibility of small eruptions, volcanic vents…

Was this a thing in the eighties?

I assume this is Fire Keep, since no other place of importance has been mentioned, and they might as well name the castle set in an active volcano “Fire Keep.”

And here we are introduced to Paunchy McBaldington, also known as the kind and noble king. He looks about thirty-forty pounds heavier than in his previous picture – you know, that pencil sketch. He looks kind of like a prehistoric pedophile Santa Claus with an artist beard.

And prepare to get really creeped out.

But, Father, I want to be with you when you meet Nekron’s men.

Never… ever… EVER say the words “I want to be with you” to your dad when you’re wearing a string bikini that can’t even hold up your tits.

You will serve your people better here with your studies, my daughter.

“Now get back to studying astrophysics. We can’t have people thinking you’re just an airhead in a string bikini.”

Give me your love.

You have it always, Father.

… AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to go lock myself in the bathroom and scrub myself raw while crying “CAN’T GET CLEAN!”

This scene probably wouldn’t have seemed so skeevy if Teegra weren’t practically naked. Seriously, she has her boobs right out in the open. She is wearing a G-string that conceals nothing. Her ass is on display. Her nipples are barely covered. It would be fine if she were wearing clothes. But she’s not.

And the fact that she apparently lounges around her father with her goodies on display all the time…. UUEUEEEEGGGHHHHHH. This is apparently just what she wears. And she goes naked around her dad.

And yeah, I know this is supposed to be an ancient culture where people wore a lot less clothing… but fuck, the king is wearing a wooly tunic. Why is his daughter dressed like a stripper who doesn’t understand sizing? I’ll tell you why: because this was made by two men who wanted to see a woman lolling around in almost no clothing, that’s why.

Meanwhile, those three robed weirdos are approaching Fire Keep… which doesn’t seem to have any guards or anything. I’m not sure why the king won’t let Teegra watch the meeting, since she can study anything. Maybe he doesn’t like having other guys stare at her ass.

All matter in our world is from the natural bases which are earth, air, fire and water.

“And the only one who can use them all is the Avatar. Wait, sorry… better fantasy story.”

The four elements from which all things are created.

Except Tommy Wiseau. We’re not sure what HE is made.

And during this, we finally see Teegra and her teacher.

What? That isn’t how YOU went to school? You didn’t wear a string bikini and a gauze napkin, and loll around pushing your ass up in the air? And your teacher didn’t slouch on pillows wearing some strategically-placed scarves? Wow, you must have been so BORED.

How can you talk about elements when the war draws nearer to us ever hour?

Yes, she looks so concerned about politics, rolling around seminude and trying out sexy pose after sexy pose.

It’s like they decided to make a porn, but forgot to put in the actual porn. It was bad enough when the camera was ogling Lam’s crotch, but at least he didn’t thrust it right in the camera while wearing transparent briefs. If they had drawn a vagina on Teegra, we’d be fucking seeing it.

Hey, Bakshi? It doesn’t make us respect Teegra’s mind or her spirit to have her do nothing in her very first scene except whine and show off her crotch and tits.

Princess Teegra, we all have our duty. Your father’s duty is to be king and lead.

“Of course, he couldn’t lead cockroaches to an old cupcake, but it’s still his duty.”

Your brother’s duty is to soldier.

“And my duty is recite awkward dialogue.”

And your duty is to learn.

This woman must be new. After two or three days, you would expect her to know that this whiny bimbo probably can’t do math on her fingers.

You mean my duty is to stay shut up…

No, your duty is to shut up. There’s a difference.

… while all the men do the fighting and share all the glory.

Oh, great. We’ve got a Disney princess here, who is dreaming of MORE than her luxurious life of privilege, and assuming she can handle important dangerous stuff like fighting.

Tell me, can you imagine THIS person


being any use in a fight? Especially since we have absolutely no reason to think she even CAN fight or has received any training?

I think this is Bakshi and Frazetta’s pathetic stab at depicting Teegra as a strong independent spirit who wants to be treated as a man’s equal blah blah blah. Except, you know, they depict her as a whiny, ignorant, useless, childish bimbo who flashes her naughty bits all the time and complains about everything. In other words, they not only missed the mark, they missed it SO FAR that they ended up on the other side of the planet.

And her whining is even stupider because there is no fighting planned. This is a boring diplomatic meeting. Yes, there MIGHT be fighting in future, but not right now. So she’s whining for no reason.

We think that stinks. Don’t we, Shaitan?

… and she named her pet after the devil. This character will have to actively work to make me hate her more.

Thankfully, we ditch the bimbo and head to the king’s creepy-as-hell throne room.

“… and the pit of molten lava is for my enemies. What were you saying again?”

Seriously, that is the kind of throne room you expect to see the VILLAIN hanging out in. Why would a good character, or even a neutral character, need a lava pit in his throne room? Look at the right edge of the picture! That is a lava pit!

If you peacefully surrender, my lord Nekron will cease the destruction of…

“… all your gay bars!”

This is your message of peace? A demand for our total and unconditional surrender?

“Well, we will allow you SOME conditions… as long as they involve Precious Moments figurines.”

I love the totally natural, uncontrived way that Taro is standing there. Sure, minions of evil are demanding their surrender, but he’s gonna pose like Captain Morgan and show off that ass he worked so hard for!

And for some reason, I want rum.

We call it an offer of alliance, Your Majesty.

Then maybe you shouldn’t have used the word “surrender.”

Also, the voice acting for these weird creatures is TERRIBLE. This guy sounds like a timid accountant.

I call it blackmail.

“Speaking of blackmail, we have these pictures of Princess Teegra running naked through the streets…”

My lord Nekron’s offer…

To hell with Nekron and his offer. We are free men, not slaves.

“Now our women, THEY are slaves. You think they wear those stripper getups because they want to?”

“Take me seriously! And my midriff vest!”

That said, I do kinda like Taro despite his strange midriff-baring furry vest. Unlike Lam, he’s actually shown some intelligence (meaning he TALKS), and he’s got a lot of fire and guts, unlike his whiny spoiled sister. So he’ll probably die, like most characters I like.

King Jarol, be reasonable.

My son, Taro, speaks more with his heart than with his head.

“I speak more with my stomach than with either of those. Did you know that you look like a giant gingerbread man?”

But he speaks for all of us.

… all two of you.

There can be no alliance. We will fight you to the death.

Uh, yeah. Um, the last people who tried to a fight a glacier got beaten to death with icy wangs, so… you might want to come up with a real strategy.

Then again, I question whether a glacier could overcome an active volcano. Wouldn’t the heat melt it?

Perhaps, you will soon change your mind.

“We brought plenty of tequila. Drink up!”

No, it actually means that Neanderthals are rock-climbing the side of Fire Keep… because apparently they can do that. Fast. They can’t stomp on the hands of a guy dangling below them, but they can climb up a sheer wall faster than I can walk.


Oh, and in case you’re wondering, this rock-climbing is a good example of why a lot of rotoscoping fails. The Neanderthals aren’t climbing the way you do up a vertical surface, where you’d be bracing your toes and fingers into the cracks. They’ve got their hands and the balls of their feet flat against the wall… meaning this are three guys crawling on the floor, with the camera behind them.

Hell, one of them actually flops onto the wall with his legs flat against it. They’re not even hiding that this isn’t a wall!

I know this is controversial, but THANK GOD for greenscreen.

Meanwhile, Teegra is taking the nap of a future porn star. Since her dad and brother have been “negotiating” for a whole two minutes, I can only assume that her teacher got sick of her whining and left.

ZZZzzzzz… I’m such a feminist heroine…. zzzzzzz

Doesn’t everybody sleep like this in a string bikini?

But oh noes! Her pet demon…. uh, panther smells the Neanderthals coming… which is not surprising, because I doubt they’ve bathed since the Nixon administration. One of them throws a dagger with insane accuracy and wounds the panther… which makes me wonder why nobody did that to the hero five minutes ago!

“Oh noes! Who ever could have guessed that I’d be useless in a crisis?”

“Oh noes! I’m being kidnapped by the evil minions of evil! It’s too bad I’m not a strong capable woman who can take care of herself, like the filmmakers clearly thought I was!”

And she keeps screaming a LOT, in slow motion, while her hair floats around like a shampoo model.

“Somehow I haven’t gotten any more useful in the last five seconds!”

Okay, we get it. You’re in peril. Yeesh.

See, this is the reason I don’t take her whining about not getting to fight and have glory seriously. Not because she spends all her time whining and lolling around in a string bikini… but because the FIRST hint of peril causes her to just sit there screeching and wetting herself, and then cower. What a wimp.

Oh, and you can’t tell by the pictures, but there are music stings to show that this is sooper serious.

“Get back to the kitchen and make me a sammich!”

Oh, and the teacher is still there, and she gets throttled by that grinning Goro there. I think she was asleep, because Teegra sits there screeching for a good fifteen seconds before she stands up. Also, she’s gotten a LOT whiter in the last scene.

Oh, and nice boob shot of the woman being brutally beaten. Real classy.

Aren’t there any GUARDS here? Or do they force the princess’ poor teacher to also double as her bodyguard? Actually, we’ve only seen four people in Fire Keep. Doesn’t a king usually have…. subjects?

“It’s so unfair that I don’t get to do any fighting! Feminism!”

So after the glass-jawed teacher goes down with one punch, Teegra keeps sniveling and cowering. She doesn’t even try to use the knife embedded in her pet to take down the ONE BAD GUY who is grabbing her. Nope, he just snatches her up like a sack of potatoes and carries her off.

“This is what feminism looks like!”

A sack of potatoes with an ass and tits. Again, classy.

You know I understand that showing sexually attractive people is a part of entertainment. People like seeing sexy hot people in not much clothing and/or naked, which is why porn is probably the most popular form of entertainment in the world.

But when an entire major character can be summed up as “has boobs and poses in sexy ways”… there’s really nothing good I can say. I mean, take the character of Black Widow from the Marvel movies.

She’s sexy. She dresses in tight clothes and is played by the beautiful buxom Scarlett Johansson. She sometimes does things in a sexy way. But she has more to her character than that – she is brave, she’s a spy, she’s a brilliant martial-artist who can kill you in a dozen ways with her bare hands, she has a very nasty history, she has an ambiguous but rock-hard moral code, and she interacts with different characters in very interesting ways that have nothing to do with her sexuality. You can easily describe this character without using the words “boobs,” “sexy” or “ass”… which is what makes her a CHARACTER.

Teegra? So far, her only characteristic aside from “boobs,” “ass” and “naked” is that she whines and is a huge coward.

“Why do the men get all the fighting and glory?”

And no, ineffectually whacking the villain with your fists does not count as real resistance. I don’t think the guy even noticed.

So they carry her back to… wait, they’re taking her back out the way they came? How?! Are they really going to try to scale DOWN the Keep with a struggling victim?

Meanwhile, her teacher….

I wonder why her mouth flapped wide open….

Yes, Ralph. We know what you like. Please stop.

You know, I sort of wonder if this is because Bakshi made that Lord of the Rings movie, which had no tits, no asses and no nudity whatsoever… except Gollum. Since he had to repress it, all that nudity and sexual symbolism all came spurting out in THIS movie instead.

Then we hear Teegra scream and… zoom out.

Did they… drop her?

I mean, I assumed she was the love interest because she’s hot and useless, therefore a good damsel. But the way that is filmed makes it seem like they went to the window and threw her off.


“For some reason your last scream was much more audible than the ones before it!”


“Wait, we have guards, right? I mean, I haven’t seen anyone for days. I’m so lonely…”

So Jarol snatches away the treaty for… some reason, while Taro whips out his sword. The metal one. It’s sad that I have to specify that.

So the emissary rips off his purple cloak to reveal…

“Fear my expired mustard-colored skin!”

I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a shocking reveal? Because it wasn’t. We could clearly see that he was a booger-colored chimpanzee all along.

And after giving Taro a good ten seconds to prepare himself, the emissary gets stabbed to death along with the others. Even the king manages to kill one by… by…

The king treats his enemies with DIGNITY.

… smothering it with his Santa belly. What a way to go.

Make for the glacier. Man the Dragonhawks.

Electric sliding to the rescue!

Ah, so those are the guards. I can see why they don’t want to be seen. I would hide if I were wearing nothing but a loincloth, bracers and a really silly Hermes helmet.

And I think the guy to the left is unsuccessfully ninja-sneaking. There’s no other reason for him to be bent like that.

To the rescue! All six of us redshirts!

Really? That’s all the guards they have? That’s like seven or eight guys! WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE IN FIRE KEEP?


“Sorry, sir! We’re a little dizzy from the heat and volcanic gas!”

And what are the dragonhawks?

They’re pterodactyls.

See, this bothers me. Why would you give a composite name to a creature that has apparently always existed? It’s like calling a turkey a chicken-raven.

The Dragonhawks will find her, Father.

“And then they will eat her. We really need to find some new flying mounts.”

They’ve got to.

Dammit, she was kidnapped about two minutes ago from a bedroom on top of a SHEER WALL.

Actually, why didn’t anyone go to her room? They just heard a scream and assumed she was already being carried off to the glacier!

The night’s so dark, the jungle so thick. A bird couldn’t find its own nest.

I could: your eyebrows.

Seriously, does he put mascara in those things?

And seriously, SHE’S BEEN GONE FOR TWO MINUTES. Unless those baddies have the speed of Quicksilver, they should still be in the immediate area. Why are you sending people to the villain’s lair?!

“A bird couldn’t find its own nest!”
“Daddy, I’m over here!”
“It’s just impossible.”
“Daddy, the bad guys are still climbing down the wall.”
“There’s no way of finding her!”
“OMG daddy, I’m going to start covering up my boobs if you don’t get a clue.”

What do we do then, Father?

… I still like this guy. He’s pissy in all the right ways.

We wait.

“And eat cookie dough. I really like cookie dough!”

For Nekron’s new demands?

For his siege!

… you are a TERRIBLE king. And not just because you make people live on a volcano.


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